Authors: Tabitha Freeman
Jake showed up
at my mom’s house
one afternoon unexpectedl
y, after Julianne had been gone almost two weeks
. I opened the door and it took me a minute to realize that he was really standing there.
“Hi,” he said, giving me a small smile. “How are ya, Ava?”
How are ya
? Was he serious?
“Um, come in,” I mumbled, ignoring his question. I noticed immediately that he had something
in his hand.
“Wow, it’s been a while
—
” He started, but I cut him off.
“Jake, why are you here?”
He looked around uncomfortably and sighed.
“This is for you,” he said, handing me a CD, along with a folded up piece of paper. “Pete wanted me to bring it by a long time ago, but I just haven’t…” His voice trailed off and he didn’t finish.
“You haven’t wanted to come by and see me because I’m crazy?” I guessed. He looked extremely uncomfortable now.
“I didn’t think you were ready for it before,” he replied, finally looking at me. “It’s…Tyson wrote this song right before…before he…before the wreck, I mean, and he was really adamant on recording it, like he…well, anyway, he wrote it for you…it’s really personal. I almost feel like he shouldn’t have shared it w
ith anybody else, but he had
to record it, you know?”
“I guess I’d know what you were talking about if I knew what this was,” I said, starting to unfold the paper.
“No!” Jake said quickly, holding his hand out and taking a step back. “I-I mean, I don’t want to be here when you read it. I don’t want to distract you or anything…you probably want to be alone…” He stuck his hands in his pockets and started stepping back towards the front door. I looked at him in utter disbelief.
“Do I really freak people out that ba
d?” I asked him. “My own
friends
? Am I just a blot of space without Tyson? A crazy, out-of-my-mind blot of space?” Jake didn’t answer.
“I gotta go,” was all he said before quickly retreating out the front door. I stared after him for a moment, not sure of how I should feel. I went to my room then and put the CD in my stereo. I sat down on my bed and unfolded the piece of paper
, holding out on hitting the play button on the stereo
.
Tyson’s handwriting.
Song Title: Ava
Artist: T. Andrews, 04-08-04
I went on to read the most incredible, heart-wrenching lyrics of a song that the rest of the world would never hear. It talked about his and my love for each other, of course, but that’s not really what the song was about. He wrote of how he wasn’t going to live forever, but he wanted to leave the world with an imprint of himself
.
He wrote
about
how he always knew there’d be a time when he’d have to fade away, but that didn’t
stop him from living life to it
s fullest. In a way, th
e song reminded me of the
premonition he’d made before he died, asking me to love again if something happened to him.
I must have read those lyrics thirty times or more before I got up, went over to my stereo, and hit play. Tyson’s voice came on and he sang those haunting words I’d just read. Oh
,
God. He really had known.
How
could he have known
he was going to die so young
?
I went to my closet then and, standing on my tiptoes, pulled a big, heavy box from the
top shelf. It was my ‘Tyson Box
’
.
All his demo CDs, every picture I had of him, every love letter he’d ever written me, all the things he’d given me…
I sat in my bedroom floor and began going through that box.
Ava
, one letter said,
this sounds corny, but I saw this mug with this big window on it and I
thought of you falling out of the church window the day we met, so I had to get it
…the mug was also in the box.
Ava,
another letter read,
So, I’ve decided that I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get Elton John to play
at our wedding.
I actually laughed at this one.
Ava,
another said,
I wrote this song the other day. The guys were making fun of it, but I really like it. What do you think?
Ava, you will not believe what Pete just told me! Oh my God, that girl Sharon that he’s been seeing for a month goes up to him the other day, and she started to say,
“Pete, we’ve going out for a mont
h now and I think it’s time we—”
Pete almost wet his pants
,
because he thought she was going to say they should live toget
her, but GET THIS: she says, “W
e should start calling each other by pet names.” HAHAHAHAHAAA!
Ava, I got stung by a bee right now and I think I’m dying. My pinky
toe is the size of a
tangerine…
Ava, Laura’s boyfriend dumped her and I’m seriously thinking about whaling on his sorry ass tomorrow night, even if he is a minor…
Ava, I seriously DO like your haircut, okay? I promise on my grandma’s life, okay? Please, b
abe, don’t cry about it anymore,
it really looks fine. I swear…
Ava, I ran over a rabbit today in the
Camino
and I was so pissed because I got all that shit all over my new tires…
Ava, so I was thinking
—
you know how you said the other day that if we had a girl, you’d wanna name her Cricket and I said tha
t was fine? Well, I lied.
Ava, we can’t name our kid after an insect, it just isn’t right…
Then, I came upon the more serious letters.
Ava,
I read,
Dad broke down again tonight. He said he doesn’t know if he can live without Mom anymore…
Ava, I just got off the phone with you. It’s 2 a.m. I said I was tired but I was lying. I just wanted you to get your rest for your big exam tomorrow. Things are so shitty, and I can’t believe they can be this way since I’m with you. But they are, regardless…
Ava, sometimes, I get sick of putting on the happy-happy extremities of a personality for people, you know, because s
ometimes I just feel like a nobody –l
ike toni
ght. My parents are at it again.
Dad loves Mom still and is all depressed, and Mom hates Dad for being so dramatic about it all, because she loves Chuck now.
Ava, what if our demo doesn’t go anywhere? What if I don’t make it? What if I can’t offer you what you need or all your heart’s desires? It’s stupid…I’m trying not to be so dramatic and iffy about everything, but seriously…I want our lives to be amazing, you know?
Ava, I think the band is going to break up. Everyone’s at each other’s throats, Kemper’s getting drunk and high every night. Nothing’s working out right with the music…
Then, there were the deep, deep love letters.
Ava, I never really knew if I should believe in God or not. But I met you and I fell in love with you, and you know, there has to be a God. Who else could’ve created something so amazing and then just dropped it into my life. You’re an incredible blessing that I needed.
Ava, do you ever think how crazy it is that our hands fit together perfectly? They just mold to each other, you know? Like two pieces of a puzzle that just…click.
Ava, when you told me you loved me tonight after the battle of the bands, I felt something surge through me that I’d never felt before. It was so incredible. I just looked at you, and I realized how much I really do love you, too. Like, I can’t even explain it. It’s like, every time you walk into a room, all the normal sounds go mute and everything/everyone else gets fuzzy and out of focus and there’s this glow around you and-okay, I sound like a total cheese puff, but…I’m crazy about you.
I began to cry then, as I was shuffling through all the things in the box. Not just the letters, but also the
gifts, the pictures…all the
memories that had shaped and molded my happy life.
“I don’t understand how this could happen!” I looked up at the ceiling, screaming out loud. “Why did this happen
to me
?”
I pulled my knees up and rested my chin on them, wrapping my arms around
my
legs and squeezing. Trying to squeeze out all the tears. Trying to squeeze out all the pain.
I got up and went to my mom’s room. She wouldn’t be
home from work for another few
hours or so. I went to the dresser beside her bed and opened the top drawer. I took out the bottle of sleeping pills and held them up. I just gazed at them for a moment, before going back into my room. I took a swig of Coca-Cola from the 12 ounce bottle on my nightstand and poured half the bottle into my mouth, swallowing several times to get them all down. I went over to the ‘Tyson Box’ and got some of his demo CDs and put them in my stereo. I then tipped the bottle once again, pouring the rest of the pills into my mouth and washing them down my throat with the Coca-Cola. I locked my bedroom door and crawled under my bed. Maybe Mom wouldn’t find me. She’d be devastated, but I just couldn’t do it without Tyson. I just couldn’t live without him anymore. I let my eyelids flutter closed as I listened to Tyson’s voice croon from my stereo. So many songs about our love…not long now, Tyson. I’ll be home with you soon…it’s not gonna hurt…it’s all gravy, baby…
Craneville
8
.
The world was black for a long time.
It wasn’t
a
peaceful
darkness
, though. It was silent, but not quiet. No serenity, no eas
e of knowing I was finally free.
My eyes opened slowly to a dim, yellow room. My eyelid
s were so heavy, that I couldn’t focus sight on anything.
Everything was fuzzy. I heard someone talking.
“Is that Sylvia?”
“Yeah. Only, her name’s Ava.”
“Oh, I know. There just calling her Sylvia around here…has she woken up yet?”
“Oh, no. She’s been out for a few days now.”
“Ever since her mother found her?”
“Yeah. She’s been heavily sedated.”
“Is her story true? Her boyfriend dies, so she goes crazy?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. She says his name a lot. Ty-something or other.”
“Sad story. Her mom’s really upset…hasn’t slept in days.”
“Yeah, the girl’s mental. If my kid was that crazy, I’d have her locked up, too.”
“How many sleeping pills was it?”
“Twenty-eight. It’s a wonder she’s still alive. She’d be gone if her mom hadn’t come home from work early and found her.”
I closed my eyes again.
I slept. Heavy sleep lacking the usual nightmares. I awoke, my eyes opening fully to a brighter room. Things were fuzzy at first, but they gradually came into focus. I immediately felt a presence next to me. I turned my head slightly and saw Dr. Julianne Walker sitting in a chair next to my hospital bed.
“Hi,” she said, giving me a grim smile. “It’s about time you decided to join us again.”
“How long have I been out?” I
asked, hoarsely.
“A week,” she told me.
“Your vacation,” I said suddenly. “You’re back already?”
“I came back early,” she said, quietly. “When I found out about you.” I tried to remember. Ah, yes. The sleeping pills.
“I ran out of chocolate milk,” I said lightly, but she didn’t laugh…or even crack a smile.
“Three strikes and you’re out,” she said, sighing. “Now, they won’t let you go home.”
“Who won’t?” I demanded. “Nobody can tell me what to do
—”
“Oh, yes they can,” she interrupted severely. “Now that you’ve tried to kill yourself three times, the state of Virginia doesn’t think you’re capable of being on your own
—
and frankly, I don’t either. It’s a wonder you weren’t in here after the first time.”
“What!” I exclaimed. “You can’t keep me here against my will! I’m over eighteen! I’m
—
”