Authors: Monica Alexander
Well, d
uh.
“Is it something with Ben? Did you get in a fight?
Is it Rachel?”
she probed.
I sighed, long and deep, and
looked out the kitchen window at
the people jogging and walking their dogs on the beach.
“No Mom. It’s not anything with Ben. We’re fine.
Rachel’s fine too.”
“Then what is it?” she asked, pu
tting her hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged it off.
“It’s nothi
ng.
I’m fine.”
She ga
ve me a stern, motherly
look. “It’s not nothing.
Are you on drugs?”
I almost laughed out loud at that question, but
I
knew it would
only make her more suspicious.
She’d probably think I really was
on drugs if I laughed at her. I just rolled my eyes instead.
It was ridiculous that because I was in a bad mood, she automatically assumed that I was ingesting illegal substances, but Chase wa
lked around the house stoned most
of
the time, and she never even
realized it.
“Mother, I am definitely not on drugs,” I said firmly, as I crossed my arms over
my chest, matching her stance.
“I can’t believe you would accuse me of that!”
“
Okay, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to assume. I’m just concerned about you.
You seem upset about something.
You’re not pregnant are you?
”
I let my head fall to the table, banging it lightly against the wood for a few beats. “No, I’m not pregnant,” I said, lifting my head slowly. “I’m fine.”
“
No,
honey, you’re not, but I understand
if you don’t want to tell me.
Just know that I’m here if you want to talk
, okay?”
“I know,
”
I said, thinking that even if I did tell her she wo
uldn’t be able to do anything
about it
.
What
was I supposed to say?
‘So, Mom, I’m pretty miserable about everything right now, so I’m thinking of shaking things up a bit – maybe
dropping out of
Gamma Pi
,
breaking up
with my boyfriend,
who you adore
, and
moving to New York after graduation. Oh, and
by the way I didn’t tell you abo
ut the fight I got into over Ben
and our subsequent twelve hour break-up, followed by a
tearful conversation in which he
begged
me
back only to realize days later that I might have made the wrong choice
.
What do you t
hink?’
No, that wouldn’t work.
She’d just try to ta
lk to me about how amazing Ben wa
s and
how I should marry him, and how she would just hate it if two of her kids lived so far away
.
She would be sup
portive, but in the wrong way.
Then she’d probably also tell me I was twenty-one and way past the age at which I could get away with being a sullen teenage
r
. She’d tell me to grow u
p, and I didn’t want to hear i
t.
I already knew I was being immature and petulant. I didn’t need to be reminded of it.
Of course as an actual teenager, I’d never gone through
a
rebellious phase. I’d been too focused and determined to waste my time rebelling against my parents. In hindsight, maybe if I’d acted out when I was sixteen like most normal kids, it would have been more accepted. Now I’m sure it just seemed grossly overdue and a little late in the game to be effective.
“Okay,” she said, looki
ng directly at me as I continued
to look away.
A
tall, lanky guy
with a golden retriever caught my eye, and I focused on him unti
l he disappeared from my view.
It was only then that I turned back to face my mother.
“Can I go?” I asked, staring i
nto her overly concerned face.
She was making me feel guilty for being upset, and I hated that.
She nodded.
With that I
got up,
turn
ed on my heel and walked away.
A part of me felt bad
for treating my mother like I was
, but I had t
oo much anger bo
iling inside of me to let my actions toward her affect me
.
I pushed aside my guilt and walked back upstairs.
Chase was allowed to sulk al
l the time.
Keely was kn
own for being the family brat.
But, me, as the ‘nice one’
, I
was expected to
be sunshine and flowers
day in and day out.
It just wasn’t fair.
Even my own mother couldn’t accept the
fact that I wasn’t smiling.
That
thought just made me angrier as I shoved the essentials into my beach bag and headed out, letting the screen door slam behind me.
Randy barked at me as I went, no doubt wondering why I hadn’t stopped to give him some love, but I just didn’t h
ave much patience in that moment
, even for him
.
Chase was standing o
ff to the side of the house
where he knew our mother couldn’t
see him, smoking a cigarette.
I
started to walk past and ignore him, but decided against it,
wheeling around
so I was face-to-face with him.
“Why?” I asked.
“Why what?” He looked
just shy of
annoyed that I’d stopped
to chat
.
He took
a drag off his cigarette
and stared at me expectantly
.
“Why do you get away with all sorts of shit, and I’m lectured about not
smiling
for one goddamn day
?”
He shrugged.
“Se
riously Chase, I’m sick of it.
Why do I have to be the good one all the time?”
Pushing himself off
the house and standing upright, he look
ed down at me from his full
height,
“You
don’t,
”
he said, as if it were that simple
.
“Yes, I do.
It’s t
he way it’s always been
.
It’s what
they
expect!
”
I gestured back toward the house.
He laughed
a sort of
non-
humorous laugh and looked over my shoulder at so
mething.
“Who expects that?”
I thr
ew my hands up in exasperation.
“Mom and Dad
, Ben, my friends, everyone
!”
“You’re ridiculous,” was all he said.
I glared at him. “I’m not ridi
culous!” I knew
it wasn’
t the best retort, but my brain was so muddled that I had trouble thinking about anything else.
“It’s true.
They a
ll expect me to be so perfect.
It sucks!”
“If you’re so tired of being good, then don’t do it anymore,” he said,
looking at me like
was a moron for not figuring i
t out
on my own
.
“You’re a fucking adult. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it.”
I
opened my mouth to respond
, but no words came out.
“What?” he asked, stubbing his cigarette out against the hou
se and tossing it in the sand.
With one swift motion, it was bu
ried where no one could see it.
T
hen
he
popped a piece of gum in h
i
s mouth to hide to odor of
his
bad habit.
“I can’t just b
e bad.
I’ve never been bad in my life.”
“You drink,” he said.
“Yeah, so what. That’s nothing.
Do you know how many times I’ve been drunk in my life? I’ll
tell you. Three! That’s it.
Three freaking times, and it wasn’t even that fun
.
I’m not a good drunk – case and point, the other night!”
Chase nodded, knowingly.
“
I’ve never smoked – a cigarette or otherwise
,” I continued.
“
I have never
done anything dangerous
or reckless
, and I’m
nice to everyone, including Ashleigh Ballast who seems intent on sleeping with my boyfriend!”
Chase raised his eyebrows.
“Okay, well, I guess you can’t say that I’m nice to her anymore, but I put up with her shit for a long ti
me. She deserved to get hit.”
I was on a roll
and was getting out of breath from ranting.
“She’
s
a bitch,” was all he said, and I took i
t to mean he agreed with me.
“Anyway, my point
is that I am always on guard. I never have any real fun!
I’m never reckless.
I’m
rigid
,” I said, making a face as I echoed
what he’d
said about me.
I waited for him to say ‘I told you so’, but he
didn’t, so I continued my rant.
“
I liked being o
ut of control the other night.
It felt good.
I want to do it again, but without the physical violence
, obviously
.
”
He held out his
pack of
cigarettes, offering one to me.
I shook my head violently.
“No, thank you,” I said, and then
clamped by hand over my mouth.
It was like I couldn’t be anything but polite.
Chase just laughed at me.
“You so
need to loosen up
.
”
“Yes, I do,” I said
firmly, crossing my arms over
my chest.
“Fine, well, there’s a bon
fire tonight down by the jetty
.
I’m going with some people I met if you want to come.”
“Will there be beer?” I asked
him
.
Chase looked at me ske
ptically. “Um, yeah.
There will
be beer.”
“Good.
I’m getting wasted tonight.”
“Are you going to be able to handle yourself?” he asked, with good reason.
“Yes,” I said definitively
, knowing there wouldn’t be anyone at the party I’d want to lash out at, so I’d be good
.
“I’
ll be fine.”
“Alright then,” he said, smiling slightly at my stated goal.
My brother was smilin
g at me
and not
in
a mocking way.
He was smiling
at me in a more endearing way.
It was s
o strange.
“I will see you later,” I said
sharply
, turning away from him and
walking toward the beach, half-
shocked that I’d just had the most civil conversation I’d had with my brother in seven years and also ma
de plans to hang out with him. What was happening?
Who was this g
irl who’d taken over my brain?
I wasn’t
sure, but I kind of liked her.
She had moxie.
Later that night, I stood in front of the mirror in my
bedroom appraising my outfit.
I was going to hang out with m
y brother and people he’d met.
This would not be the usual
fraternity and sorority
crowd I was used to
.
I nervously smoothed my
straight, shoulder-length
hair, wondering w
hat I was getting myself into.
Instead of slipping into the
flowered
sundress I initially picked out, I
opted fo
r
jeans, a white
boyfriend
tank top
,
and flip flops,
hoping I looked just a little bad-ass.