Broadway Babylon (50 page)

“The sickness of jealousy is more intense in the arts and media because people’s successes and failures are so public there. You are most hated when you are most successful.”—B
ARBRA
S
TREISAND

“Shallow … very pretentious.… That’s like saying, ‘Entire part of mother played by Lizzie Flop.’ ”—G
EORGE
A
BBOTT
, commenting on the
West Side Story
billing—“Entire production conceived, choreographed and directed by Jerome Robbins”—of his former assistant

“Madonna is currently, in the wake of her latest and one hopes final movie disaster [
Swept Away
, 2002], looking for a Broadway project, preferably a musical, since her fans expect her to sing but even they know that she can’t act her way out of a paper condom.”—critic R
EX REED

“Mitch Leigh and Joe Darion don’t really have a true success on their hands with
Man of La Mancha
. It’s not only a one-song show, it is completely overshadowed by the song. The proof is all the people calling up for tickets to what they call ‘The Impossible Dream’ or the ‘Impossible Dream musical.’ ”—revue and record producer B
EN
B
AGLEY
on the musical adapted from Cervantes’
Don Quixote
which ran nearly six years on Broadway

“Don Black honed his craft … in the theatre. His first show was a musical about premature ejaculation, which, predictably enough, came off very quickly.”—theater columnist M
ARK
S
TEYN
on the lyricist of
Sunset Boulevard
and
Aspects of Love
, also movie songs like “Born Free” and “Diamonds Are Forever”

“You never know who’ll go from the stage to Hollywood stardom. It happened to Richard Gere … he was in a [1971] rock opera I was in,
Soon
. Three Broadway performances was all it lasted. He was flat and aimless, often rude, and pretty much talent-free. Very one-dimensional. But that’s part of the Hollywood requirement.”—P
ETER
A
LLEN

“Jack Cole was a genius of the dance. He did a lot for Broadway, then he did a lot for Hollywood. He’s the one who finally got a studio [Columbia] to start a dance unit where they would train dancers for the movies instead of bringing them in from New York. Jack also helped shape the moves and personas of Rita Hayworth, then Marilyn Monroe. He was gay and a part-time bastard, he was a perfectionist, and we engaged in fistfights from time to time.”—G
WEN
V
ERDON
, Cole’s pupil and then his assistant, pre-stardom

“I enjoyed doing
Pippin
[1972] and being in a hit. I did not enjoy those critics who felt disappointed that I didn’t give them Granny from
The Beverly
Hillbillies. I’m an actress, and there’s all sorts of grandmothers in this world, and I’ll whoop the tar out of anyone who wants to argue with me on that!”—I
RENE
R
YAN

“I did not get to act with Bette Davis in
The Night of the Iguana
. I simply shared a stage with her. The lady embodies that unfortunate cinematic habit of playing to the audience rather than to and with her professional colleagues.”—British actress M
ARGARET
L
EIGHTON

“They say there’s no fool like an old fool, and there’s certainly no ham like an old ham. The allegedly lovable Bert Lahr [the Cowardly Lion in
The Wizard of Oz
film] was a spoiled eccentric who got to overindulge in show after show. He’d been very popular, so he got away with it still. Then I worked with him in
Foxy
[1964], or tried to. Lahr fully intended to hog the entire thing, to make a wreck and a failure of it rather than play just his role and stop chewing the scenery.… The man was
impossible
. Which is putting it as politely as I know how, since the old fart is dead.”—L
ARRY
B
LYDEN

“Katharine Hepburn was selfish, as well as a liar from A to Z about her private life, even giving out a false birthdate—day, month, and year—for most of her life [that of her late, reportedly gay brother]. But, oh, Ginger Rogers made Kate look kind! What can I say about her? And they say one should only speak good of the dead. In which case, I’ll just say: Ginger Rogers is dead—
good
!!”—actor T
ONY
R
ANDALL

“Miss Hepburn is an acquired taste. Like Greek olives and Sapphic poetry.”—H
ERMIONE
G
INGOLD
, who in 1969 refused to say “lavatory” onstage; the same year, Katharine Hepburn became the first star to utter a four-letter word (“Shit!”) on Broadway, in
Coco

“Let me see … what was your dear mother’s name?”—G
EORGE
B
ERNARD
S
HAW’S
teasing reply when playwright Clare Boothe Luce (
The Women
), who idolized him, met him and gushed, “Oh, Mr. Shaw, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here!”

“Excellent. Greatest!”—telegram from G
EORGE
B
ERNARD
S
HAW
to actress C
ORNELIA
O
TIS
S
KINNER
in 1935 when she scored a hit with a revival of his
Candida

“I used to think Shaw was God. Literally. I was that young when
My Fair Lady
came out; its record album bore the show’s logo: Shaw, up behind a cloud
 … Julie Andrews as a puppet being manipulated by Rex Harrison, and both being manipulated by Shaw, with a snowy beard. He looked like what we were told a male God looked like, and was English besides.”—songwriter S
HARON
S
HEELEY
(Hirschfeld’s famous caricature, which included Shaw, who was Irish, was used for the hit musical’s posters, programs, and cast albums.)

“I’ve had people tell me they thought they’d seen a particular Broadway show, then realized they’d only seen my drawing of its cast members.… A famous actor at a party insisted he’d hated
Chicago
, until he was reminded he’d seen my caricature, only. That made me wonder if he’d hated my artwork, since he thought he’d hated the show?”—master caricaturist A
L
H
IRSCHFELD

“I loved Kander and Ebb’s music in
Chicago
, but [the show] was kind of depressing. Then when the O.J. [Simpson] thing came along and
Chicago
was back, everyone said how right it was for the times, about a murderer becoming a star from killing. Then I read it was based on a real-life story, so it was always true to life and the times. But I personally prefer the record album to the show itself.”—N
ELL
C
ARTER
(
Ain’t Misbehavin’
)

“Everyone’s a critic, right? I did a musical that was ahead of its time. It was
No Strings
[1962], an interracial romance. So I did
not
get the girl [Diahann Carroll]. Even so, I was informed that Senator Strom Thurmond wanted to make a political issue out of it. However, for some reason he desisted. Even though he hated the show, though of course he never saw it.”—R
ICHARD
K
ILEY
(
Kismet
)

“Pearl Bailey as an Irish-American, Jewish by marriage (in
Hello, Dolly!
). It’s stunt casting.… Pearl told a friend of mine that the reason she joined the Republicans was that when the Democrats were in power she was just one in the crowd, but when the Republicans were in, she and Sammy Davis Jr. were the only black celebs they could tap for public appearances and White House dinners.”—T
RUMAN
C
APOTE
, who wrote
House of Flowers
, in which Bailey starred

“Spare me homophobic Jews who as a minority should know better. I heard about [Tony Awards show producer] Alexander Cohen disparaging any and all Tony winners who dare to thank their same-sex partners in their acceptance speeches. He won’t have them on again. You know, one reason I moved to England is the hypocritical extent of prejudice back home, from the mainstream as well as this, that, and the other minority. It’s still
liberty and justice for most.”—K
ENNETH
N
ELSON
(
The Boys in the Band, The Fantasticks
)

“I do wish I’d seen that legendary [1931] Broadway staging of
Private Lives
with its all-gay, all-British cast … [of] Noel Coward, who wrote it; his protégé and reported lover Laurence Olivier; Olivier’s wife Jill Esmond, who later left him for a woman and moved to Wimbledon; and bisexual Gertrude Lawrence, Coward’s best friend.… I imagine there was plenty of subtext in
that
production.”—S
IR
N
IGEL
H
AWTHORNE
, star of stage, TV (
Yes, Minister
and
Mapp and Lucia
), and film (the first openly gay Best Actor Oscar nominee, for
The Madness of King George
)

“The motion picture we did was a classic. Burt Lancaster in it gave a classic performance, and I don’t think John Lithgow doing his part [in a 2002 musical version], or the new project itself, really merits discussion on my part, or certainly not comparison.”—T
ONY
C
URTIS
, costar of
The Sweet Smell of Success
(1957)

“Miss De Havilland was ushered in as we all stood as though for military inspection. ‘Well! Isn’t it something!’ volunteered the Hollywood superstar as she shook hands with the group. Then she quickly turned and left the cast gaping. Isn’t it something? Something is what? We all put our heads together pondering Olivia’s enigmatic statement, giving it every inflection, every intonation, accenting first one word, then another. Finally we decided it was like gazing at someone’s newborn child in its crib and, wanting to be polite, cooing, ‘What a beautiful bassinet!’ ”—J
OAN
F
ONTAINE
, who’d taken over the female lead in the hit play
Tea and Sympathy
, which her Paris-based sister deigned to attend while in New York

“The day will come when James O’Neill will be remembered only as the father of
Eugene O’Neill
.”—the reply of the then-famous actor’s son and future playwright to a journalist who scolded him, “If you weren’t James O’Neill’s son, you’d be down in the gutter with all the rest of the bums.”

“Julie [Andrews] is good at playing Eliza as a guttersnipe. She’s still learning how to portray her as a lady.”—R
EX
H
ARRISON
on his
My Fair Lady
stage costar (Audrey Hepburn did the screen version)

“Even though he was English, Rex Harrison didn’t try to hide his occasional displeasure with doing a stage [project]. He was washed up in pictures and he was insecure about playing Henry Higgins. Naturally he didn’t know it would make him a bigger star than ever, topped off with the movie [version] and his Academy Award.”—R
EID
S
HELTON
of the
My Fair Lady
original cast

“I worked with Shaw. I’ve worked with them all.… Now [the 1950s] the latest rage is the work of Tennessee Williams. He’s terribly daring. Maybe people need to be shaken up a bit. But I find life dark and dramatic enough without enduring his plays.”—E
STELLE
W
INWOOD
, who lived to 101

“I see Miss [Claudette] Colbert has in her post-film, post-prime career returned to the stage. She is interesting to watch, if not to work with. Stubborn as a mule. I once, in a pique of frustration, told her that I’d wring her neck if she had one.”—S
IR
N
OEL
C
OWARD

“Maggie Smith is very good, very technically proficient. However, she tends to be unvarying on the stage, more so than on the screen where makeup can achieve a lot, and to punctuate as much with her wrists as her voice.”—D
AME
C
ELIA
J
OHNSON
, Smith’s costar in the film
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

“In this show, you come out humming the fur.”—theater director D
EREK
A
NSON
J
ONES
(
Wit
),
on Cats

“In England it doesn’t happen. But
here
, they confuse me with
her
, and because we share the same first name I’ve even been asked if we’re related.… When I was asked if I was Hermione Baddeley I said, ‘No, she’s the fat one.’ I remember she was in a play called
Diary of a Nobody
. I think she wrote it herself.”—H
ERMIONE
G
INGOLD
(
A Little Night Music
)

“Why don’t you sue for nonsupport?”—D
OROTHY
P
ARKER
to an actress who’d not worked in twenty years but kept insisting, “I loathe the idea of leaving the theatre, I’m so wedded to it.”

“Even though his reputation was about crass commercialism, [producer] David Merrick did have one classy idol—[playwright] Arthur Miller. He met him one day, while Miller was accompanied by [wife] Marilyn Monroe. David, who was totally and even obnoxiously straight, only had eyes for Miller. For years, Merrick would recall, ‘I just couldn’t stop staring at Arthur Miller.’ ”—writer M
ORDECHAI
R
ICHLER

“Anita Morris was no dumb blonde. She was a dumb redhead. Very proud to be a sexpot. And very ambitious. She admitted, during
Nine
, that she’d marry any kind of man to get into the limelight. I once asked her what about using talent, and she said a famous movie actress had advised her, ‘Get under a man who’s established in the business, and work up.’ ”—Broadway star D
OLORES
G
RAY

“I once told [agent] Leland Hayward a joke. He claimed he had a great sense of humor. He didn’t appreciate this one. Anyway, at a cannibal market
they were selling brains by profession. Plumbers’ brains cost so much, teachers’ brains cost so much, etcetera, but most expensive of all were agents’ brains. This, the cannibal could not figure out, so he asked a salesman why? The guy says, ‘Do you know how many agents it takes to produce a pound of brains?’ ”—Z
ERO
M
OSTEL

“When we worked live performances, Gracie [Allen] often asked afterwards how many people had been in the theatre. She never asked how much the take was. Money matters didn’t concern her. Gracie thought there was no business in show business.”—G
EORGE
B
URNS

“Some [audience members] just honestly forget [to turn off their cell phones during the play]. But there are others who simply don’t care whether or not they ruin the experience for everybody around them. Some night I’d like to stop the play, bring down the curtain, and tell everybody to get their refund from the guy with the phone, and walk off the stage.”—E
DWARD
N
ORTON
, in
Burn This
(2002)

“An associate once asked Irving Berlin if, due to his great reputation, he wrote songs for posterity? Irving answered, ‘No, for prosperity.’ ”—composer J
ULE
S
TYNE
(
Gypsy
)

“A hand upon your opening and may your parts grow bigger.”—opening-night telegram from D
OROTHY
P
ARKER
to actress Uta Hagen

“Fritz [composer Frederick Loewe] was possibly the last person to see [lyricist] Larry Hart alive. He knew how Larry had suffered from being short, which in the opinion of Fritz’s partner [lyricist] Alan Jay Lerner was why Lorenz Hart was homosexual. Well, the man had been killing himself with drink, out of remorse. It was a slow if not unexpected death, but Fritz said he had to check himself from admonishing his petite colleague, ‘You’re killing yourself by inches.’ ”—J
ULE
S
TYNE
(
Funny Girl
)

“That’s the risk an actor takes. I was shocked, in the revival of
Nine
, to see how short Antonio Banderas is. Movies really deceive. But I commend him. It’s just that the stage is so much more—real!”—Monaco columnist D
ELPHINE
R
OSAY

“I’m doing a limited-run show,
Bill Maher: Victory Begins at Home
[2003], because New York and the stage afford me more freedom of speech than you get on TV. And because on Broadway, the bigots stay home.”—
Real Time
host B
ILL
M
AHER

“You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Rosie O’Donnell impersonating the Cat in the Hat. She loved the [2000 musical]
Seussical
and took over the role
for a month. I pictured her as more of a puppy.”—harmonica virtuoso L
ARRY
A
DLER

“Every time [Ed] Begley came to the word, he broke into a jig and sang, ‘Oh, the cat woman can’t, but the cat man do.’ He couldn’t say the unfamiliar word with a straight face.”—playwright S
OL
S
TEIN
, in whose
A Shadow of My Enemy
Begley had an important speech containing the word “Katmandu” (the capital of Nepal). Despite the playwright’s having final say according to the Dramatists Guild, the speech had to go during out-of-town tryouts because the Broadway-bound star (an Oscar-winner) wouldn’t alter his behavior

“What keeps Neil Simon from being great is … he never quite lets go of the shtick.”—playwright A
NTHONY
S
HAFFER

“Broadway actors can be awful hammy. You ever see Merman or Ray Bolger in a play or musical? They can hardly wait for the other guy to shut up. Same today. I saw Madonna in a play—yeah, I said play. Same thing. And Jason Alexander from
Seinfeld
. Et cetera. On film, the desperation and greed don’t show, anyway.”—actress B
IBI
O
STERWALD
(
The Golden Apple
)

“What opinion would you have if someone kidnapped
your
baby? My baby was
Hello, Dolly!
Streisand and her agent went after it hard for Barbra.… The
Dolly!
set of the Harmonia Gardens is still there on the [20th Century] Fox lot. Every time I went by it to do an episode of
The Love Boat
, I did a Dance of Death, enjoying it abandonedly.”—C
AROL
C
HANNING
, who incorrectly described the film version as the studio’s biggest-ever bomb

“Back around the 1950s, before directing and before touring as a Shakespearean actor, I earned decent reviews Off-Broadway in a Strindberg play,
The Creditors.…
[Costar] Beatrice Arthur was very good, but too
strong
. I didn’t truly think she’d get very far in the theatre.… Ethel Merman was comparably strong, but she sang. And she tried to be sexy, though it came off as brassy instead.… Singing tends to feminize a performer, especially a female one.”—G
EORGE
R
OY
H
ILL
, who helmed the musical
Greenwillow

“A certain deep-closeted actor reportedly met his mate … performing in
Cats
. Ironic. Because how can you tell the gender, pro or con, of anybody acting in
Cats
?”—publicist B
ILL
F
EEDER

“It’s none of your business!”—G
YPSY
R
OSE
L
EE
to her son by Otto Preminger when he inquired who his father was (she finally told him at twenty-two)