Authors: Brian Friel

Brian Friel Plays 1 (43 page)

CASIMIR:
Helga.

EAMON:
Ah. (
To
CLAIRE
) Behave yourself.

CASIMIR:
Looking marvellous.

EAMON:
Me?

CASIMIR:
Splendid.

EAMON:
Hungover.

CASIMIR:
You weren’t drunk.

CLAIRE:
He was full.

EAMON:
Great cure this morning.

CASIMIR:
The A flat major, Claire? The Bedtime – wasn’t I right?

CLAIRE:
Full marks.

(
EAMON
suddenly
stoops
down
to
the
level
of
the
mouthpiece
of
the
phone
and
speaks
rapidly
into
it.
)

EAMON:
‘Mrs Moore isn’t poor –’

CASIMIR:
Eamon –!

EAMON:
‘Mrs Moore’s a rich aul’ hoor!’

CASIMIR:
Oh, God!

CLAIRE:
Troublemaker! Come on!

EAMON:
See you outside, Casimir.

CASIMIR:
No, nothing, Mrs Moore – I didn’t speak – sorry – sorry –

(
CLAIRE
has
EAMON
by
the
arm
and
drags
him
outside.
As
he
goes
he
bumps
into
the
chaise-longue,
the
table,
etc.
As
he
does:
–
)

EAMON:
Begging your pardon, your eminence, your worship, your holiness – sorry, Shakespeare, Lenin, Mickey Mouse, Marilyn Monroe –

(
They
are
now
out
on
the
lawn.
)

EAMON:
Like walking through Madame Tussaud’s, isn’t it, Professor? Or a bloody mine-field?

(
CLAIRE
grabs
her
head-dress
from
his
head.
)

CLAIRE:
Thank you.

EAMON:
Won’t she be a beautiful bride?

TOM:
Certainly will.

CLAIRE:
Lucky for you it’s not soiled.

ALICE:
Let’s see it, Claire.

CLAIRE:
I’m going to shorten that net.

ALICE:
Very smart. Did you get it in Derry?

CLAIRE:
Judith made it. And the dress. And her own outfit, too. Economy.

ALICE:
It’s very pretty.

CLAIRE:
Did you know that on the morning Grandmother O’Donnell got married the whole village was covered with bunting and she gave a gold sovereign to every child under twelve? And the morning Mother got married she distributed roses to everyone in the chapel. I was wondering what I could do – what about a plastic bag of vegetables to every old-age pensioner? I suppose it’ll soon be lunch-time, won’t it?

TOM:
That was great music.

(
She
looks
directly
at
him
and
does
not
speak.
He
feels
he
has
to
add
something.
)

Really wonderful. I enjoyed it. Really great.

CLAIRE:
No, it wasn’t.

TOM:
I thought it was.

CLAIRE:
I’m only a good pianist. I’m not a great pianist. I thought I was once. But I know I’m not.

EAMON:
(
To
TOM
) So there!

ALICE:
Is this what you’re going to shorten?

CLAIRE:
Maybe. I don’t know. What do you think?

ALICE:
Let’s see it on.

EAMON:
(
To
ALICE
) Granny sends her warmest love.

(
ALICE
turns
away
from
him.
)

She was disappointed you weren’t with me but I said you had a headache. That wasn’t a lie, was it?

(
ALICE
ignores
him.
She
addresses
CLAIRE
.)

ALICE:
Maybe a fraction of an inch; but I like it as it is.

EAMON:
Down in the village visiting my grandmother, Professor.

TOM:
So I understand.

EAMON:
Reared me from a pup, you might say. When I was three, the family had to emigrate to Scotland for work and I was left behind with granny. (
Arms
around
CLAIRE
.) Her very special love to you, she says. And she’s sending up a small present tomorrow.

CLAIRE:
I called in with her the day before yesterday.

EAMON:
And brought her yellow roses.

CLAIRE:
But I can’t persuade her to come to the wedding.

EAMON:
All she wanted is to be asked. And you were wearing a white cotton dress and a pale-blue headscarf and you looked like an angel. (
He
hugs
her
briefly
and
releases
her.
)
Over the years, Professor, I’ve lusted after each of the three O’Donnell girls in
turn. (
Sees
the
drink.
)
Where was this hidden? I thought we guzzled every drop of booze in the house last night?

TOM:
Willie brought it.

EAMON:
Willie who?

CLAIRE:
Willie who!

TOM:
Willie Diver.

EAMON:
Of course. Willie Slooghter, the ardent suitor. Sorry I missed him.

TOM:
He’ll be back later. He was putting up the baby-alarm for Judith. See – on the door-frame.

CLAIRE:
That’s going to be a great help.

(
EAMON
raises
his
glass
to
the
speaker.
)

EAMON:
The judicial presence restored. District Justice

O’Donnell, Sir, welcome downstairs again. (
To
CLAIRE
) Is it true that Willie practically haunts the place?

CLAIRE:
A little bit, I’m afraid. But he’s very helpful to Judith; and very generous.

(
CLAIRE
now
sits
and
begins
to
sew
her
head-dress.
ALICE
drifts
upstage
and
sits
alone
in
the
gazebo.
TOM
sits
close
to
the
sun-dial
and
glances
through
his
notes.
)

EAMON:
Always was. One civil and one decent man. (
Drinks.
) Your good health, William. D’you know what someone in the pub was telling me this morning? He has five hundred slot-machines in amusement arcades all round the country. Can you imagine? He’d be worth a fortune if he looked after them but he never goes near them! I’m sorry – Claire?

(
Offering
a
drink.
)

CLAIRE:
The doctor doesn’t allow me to take alcohol when I’m on sedatives.

EAMON:
Aren’t you a wise and obedient girl. Professor?

TOM:
It’s Tom. I’m okay.

EAMON:
That’s someone you should meet.

TOM:
Who’s that?

EAMON:
My grandmother. You’d find her interesting. Worked all her life as a maid here in the Hall.

TOM:
In the Hall? Here?

EAMON:
Didn’t you know that? Oh, yes, yes. Something like fifty-seven years continuous service with the District Justice and his wife. Lord have mercy on her; and away back to the earlier generation, with his father, the High Court judge and his family. Oh, you should meet her before you leave – a fund of stories and information.

TOM:
She sounds –

EAMON:
Carriages, balls, receptions, weddings, christenings, feasts, deaths, trips to Rome, musical evenings, tennis – that’s the mythology I was nurtured on all my life, day after day, year after year – the life of the ‘quality’ – that’s how she pronounces it, with a flat ‘a’. A strange and marvellous education for a wee country boy, wasn’t it? No, not an education – a permanent pigmentation. I’ll tell you something, Professor: I know
more about this place, infinitely more, here and here, (
Head
and
heart.
)
than they know. Sure? (
Drink
)
You’ll enjoy this. (
Now
to
ALICE
up
in
the
gazebo.
)
Telling the professor about the night I told granny you and I were getting married. (
To
TOM
) Not a notion in the world we were going out, of course. My God, Miss Alice and her grandson! Anyhow. ‘Granny,’ I said this night, ‘Alice and I are going to get married.’ ‘Alice? Who’s Alice? Alice Devenny? Alice Byrne? Not Alice Smith!’ ‘Alice O’Donnell.’ ‘What Alice O’Donnell’s that?’ ‘Alice O’Donnell of the Hall.’ A long silence. Then: ‘May God and his holy mother forgive you, you dirty-mouthed upstart!’ (
Laughs.
)
Wasn’t that an interesting response? As we say about here: Now you’re an educated man, Professor – what do make of that response?

TOM:
Oh boy.

EAMON:
‘Oh boy’?

TOM:
What do you make of it?

EAMON:
Would you like to meet her?

TOM:
That would be –

EAMON:
I’m sure I could manage to squeeze an appointment.

TOM:
Actually I’m leaving to—

EAMON:
She’d love to talk to you; I know she would.

TOM:
Perhaps some other –

EAMON:
She’s crazy about Americans. She has a sister a waitress in the Bronx and a picture of Tom Mix above her bed. Hello, Uncle George. Sit down and give us a bit of your crack.

(
This
to
UNCLE GEORGE
who
has
entered
left – his
usual
entrance,
finding
himself
in
the
middle
of
the
group
before
he
is
aware
that
they
are
there.
As
before
he
stands
and
stares
and
then
retreats
the
way
he
came.
)

EAMON:
There goes one happy man.

(
CASIMIR
has
hung
up
and
now
stands
at
the
study-lawn
door.
)

CASIMIR:
Can’t get past Letterkenny. But they’ll keep trying.

EAMON:
Casimir? (
Drink.
)

CASIMIR:
Later, perhaps. Now be patient for another few minutes and I’ll bring out a beautiful picnic lunch.

CLAIRE:
Do you need any help?

CASIMIR:
Me? Didn’t I tell you what the boys call me? The
kinder
mädchen.

CLAIRE:
What’s that? (
To
TOM
) What does that mean?

TOM:
Is it the … children’s maid? The nanny?

CASIMIR:
Well, yes, I suppose that’s the literal translation but in this context it means
–
it means
–
well, it’s really a kind of comical, affectionate term. They like to pull my leg, you know. Contrary to popular opinion the German temperament is naturally very – very frivolous and very,
very
affectionate. Where’s Alice?

ALICE:
Hello.

CASIMIR:
What are you hiding there for?

ALICE:
Getting drunk.

CASIMIR:
Now you’re being frivolous. Right
–
ten minutes at the outside.

(
He
goes
back
into
the
study
and
off
into
the
hall.
)