Breaking News: An Autozombiography (22 page)

I kissed Maui’s soft little head and we made our way back out onto my drive, to the sight of a stinker right in front of us. Vaughan split her head as I locked the door. We made our way back to the A27, picking through the wreckage. A group of them were up the road, stumbling into front gardens, and when we reached the car park in the industrial estate we saw four more.

‘
What do you reckon chum?’ I asked Vaughan.

‘
Fuck it; let’s just chicken it,’ he said.

‘
Okay, after you,’ I started, but he was gone before I’d finished the sentence. I didn’t hang about. I sprinted after him, my rucksack pounding my kidneys. Vaughan was surprisingly light on his feet. We sprinted past the freaks and up to the doors of the DIY store. Jay and Al pulled the plywood from the doors, and we stepped once more into the gloom.

‘
Right, is everything packed up? There’s four of them out there.’ I was also eager to get back to Lou – we’d been nearly three hours, according to Vaughan’s watch. Whilst my rucksack of DVDs and books was still on my shoulders I got Jay to sit it inside the water butts as best he could, and gaffer tape their rims to my straps. Hilarious jokes were made about Jay inserting things into my butt. We all made some last minute adjustments to each others’ backpacks, Vaughan tightened his chain belt after I grabbed one of the short-handled axes off him, and Jay bound up our trouser legs with gaffer tape. Al actually tightened his belt – I don’t think I’d ever seen him without his pants showing – and tucked the nail gun he’d been practising with down the back of his trousers.

‘
We need to secure this entrance – make it so we can get inside quickly and safely in the future,’ he suggested.

Whilst Jay and I cautiously made our way into the car park, Vaughan and Al briefly discussed angles then took an end of plywood each and hauled it through to the other side of the store entrance. They placed it flush up against the outside of the door frame – it was a perfect fit – and Vaughan leaned up against it whilst Al shot six nails through the wood along each edge and deep into the metal door frame. Vaughan did an amusing face of terror whilst the nails went in around him.

‘
You two could have been on
Paul Daniels
,’ Jay suggested.

We laughed as we trudged across the car park. There was a distinct breeze in the air, for the first time in what seemed like weeks. It was a hot wind, and when we hit the first patch of grass after the tarmac sprawl of the industrial estate I picked up a handful and threw it into the air. It was going north to south – I never knew if that was a southerly or a northerly.

‘
At least that’ll blow the smoke from the town out to sea,’ I ventured.

‘
Let’s just attack the journey back,’ Al said as we traced our way across the field and back onto the track up to Cissbury. I swept the long grass with my fingers, plucking one out and chewing the stalk. I thought of Lou. Al reached the path first and I saw him look up it and stop dead. I quickened my pace joining him and Vaughan with Jay on my heels. We all stood and stared at the figures dotting the path, shuffling their way up towards the Downs. There were dozens of them.

‘
Fuck. That’s more than I’ve seen up here.’ Al said.

‘
The wind must be carrying the smell of the camp down here.’ I stuttered, the words catching in my throat. ‘Lou.’

I looked at Jay. ‘Right,’ he said, ‘we’ve got to move. We’ll have to keep moving too, or we’ll get bogged down. Run up behind them quickly, take one each, and keep going after the initial blow. We’ll outrun them, but we’ve got to keep going.’

Al had the first contact, quick to respond, sending a young woman reeling into the bushes with a sideways swing of his bat and a healthy crunch. He moved on to two men, one in what looked like a fast food uniform, the other naked but covered in wheals and sores. He’d been so quick neither creep had noticed him, but he hesitated behind Burger King, bat raised. The temptation was too great - he pulled the nail gun from his belt as Vaughan appeared next to him, raining the long handled axe down again and again on the top of Nature Boy’s head. Jay and I breezed past them, and as Al unloaded three or four nails into the top of the Burger King’s spine, felling him instantly, I heard him congratulate Vaughan with a ‘Dude! G’work!’

I had the edge on Jay even with my heavy backpack, but I stumbled to the floor and the creep I’d singled out turned to face me. Why did I always get them head-on? He was tubby with a goatee beard and a faded
Wings
T-shirt stained black down the front. I leapt away from him as if I’d been stung, scratching a foothold on the chalky path. I could feel his fingers on my shoulder as I got to my feet and whirled around, flinging my club upwards towards his head. A very lucky shot - I shattered his jaw and sent black-rooted teeth skittering into the dust. The club came cleanly out of the other side, ripping a cheek off which hung loosely from the screws at the end. He was still coming at me, arms wild, when Jay’s sword came over the top of my head and into the top of the stinker’s. As the impact cleanly sliced off a four-inch deep bowl of skull-top he simply fell backwards a few steps, then started coming for me again. He had about a quarter of his head left - the middle section with his eyes and ears - but nothing above his eyebrows and nothing below his nose, except for the other cheek which flapped around the bubbling vent left open at the top of his windpipe. I backed up, colliding with Jay, and pulled out the axe I’d taken off Vaughan. His eyes flickered, looking uncooked in the sun, and the stumps of his jawbone ground away at the air. I took careful aim at the bone and cartilage exposed at the back of his throat and, just as he grabbed a handful of my shirt, I swung.

The axe - still factory-sharp - cracked into his two visible inches of spinal cord and he fell, his grip loosening instantly. I exhaled, looking up the track where the others were getting stuck in, felling freaks at a good rate. I dared myself to look behind me, and saw all the ones we’d passed still flat on the ground, except for the first one who was on his knees but fighting the inside of the bush Al had put him in.

We hacked and thumped and swung and sliced and felled, pushing up towards Cissbury Ring. I remember my backpack feeling lighter than air and my legs bubbling with might as we made steady progress. The zombies went down silently one by one, so that only our own heavy-footedness would alert them to our presence – the wind was in our favour. We ran the gauntlet through the more open spaces, dodging arms and hopping over the zombies which were rolling around on the ground even before we’d had a pop at them.

After a steady mile and a half of yomping I was starting to panic – they were growing in numbers the further up the track we reached, but we were up high enough now to clearly see the Ring over the tops of the surrounding vegetation. I saw Al cupping his ears before the radios crackled into life.

‘
Dogs.’

Carried on the wind was a twin baying noise sounding not dissimilar to the jet engine going down that Lou and I had heard on the first night. Then both radios clicked and sputtered. We listened, keeping still, until quite plainly we heard Lou’s voice cut through the static.

‘…
dogs but… you there… come…’ followed by silence. Everyone was looking at me, and I started to feel my throat closing up again. Then, mercifully, we heard ‘...much longer. They’re in the camp. Hello?’ We all sprang into life, heels digging into the chalk. Jay was on the radio.

‘
Lou I don’t know if you can hear us, but we’re on our way, we can hear you. We can hear the dogs. Keep doing whatever it is you’re doing, we’ll be there soon!’

‘
Just keep ploughing through them!’ I shouted to the others. They could climb the slopes and get into the camp. I was angry with myself, and my ears became very hot. We hit the first wave of ten or so, running straight past them. The last one caught Vaughan’s rucksack and pulled him to the ground. He managed to jam the top of the axe head under the woman’s chin, keeping him clear of her gnashing teeth but the handle was wedged into his chest, pinning him to the ground. He roared with pain as I ran back to him, seeing other freaks were nearly onto him, and slammed my club into her back with a snap. She went limp, and Vaughan heaved her off with the axe. Al was next to us now, and popped nail after nail into the faces of the three closest ones. One of them dropped, but the others merely slowed down slightly as their heads were jerked back with each shot.

I helped Vaughan up and we turned on our heels, Al following and firing with a pinging sound. Up ahead I could see Jay in trouble, backing up as two creeps bore down on him from the higher ground. Vaughan and I sprinted either side of Jay in a pincer movement on the group and taking out the outer cadavers, allowing him to vent his frustration on the one in the middle. He brought his sword down plumb in the centre of the chap’s head, cleaving off a slice like a water melon, but also unmistakably severing his spinal cord.

Al joined us, firing ahead before reloading on the move. There was an all-too-small gap until the next wave, which was still mercifully oblivious to our approach and stumbling up to the irresistible aromas of the camp, the dogs – and my wife. The path up to the Ring was in sight, the ancient woods standing dark and uninviting on our right. I could just about make out the V-shaped notch. It looked like it was ablaze – had the campfire got out of control? I couldn’t see for sure, but it looked like a bonfire had been piled up onto the chalk in the centre of it, and several creeps had caught light and were stumbling about. I could see perhaps two or three hundred figures lining our route up to the top.

‘
Let’s dump the bags were we can see them from the Ring. We’ll have to break through,’ I panted. We could hear the dogs plainly now as Jay got back on the radio.

‘
Lou, are you there?’ he was breathless. There was no reply. ‘Lou, are you there, over?’ Al was trying too. Vaughan put his backpack on the ground, and I watched him help Jay as I levered my own off. Al was looking at me, waving the radio.

‘
Nothing,’ he said.

‘
Let’s do it,’ Jay said eagerly.

‘
Wait,’ I stood in front of them. ‘Just wait a sec. We need to do this right. Al, your bag’s got the nail guns in, right?’ Al nodded. ‘Okay Jay, cut off a length of rope a bit wider than the path is. Al, we’ll take one end, Jay you take the other. These cock-ends don’t look too nimble on their feet; so we’ll just trip them all up. We hold the rope across the path and charge them from behind. We’ll tip them over. Vaughan, take the bag with the nail guns and mop them up any stragglers with your axe.’

Vaughan looked gutted to put a backpack on. Jay handed us one end of the rope and we all started off up the hill. We thrashed through the grass verges either side of the track, trailing the rope between us. The first four went down a treat, heads thudding into the dirt, but the fifth one was a heavy-set bloke and we ended up just moving him up the hill. He even turned and looked at me before we stopped, his head lolling with every thundering step he took. Vaughan caught up, puffing life a steam engine, and axed the fat zombie full in the face. Jay threw him his radio.

‘
Get on that chum, see if you can reach her.’ He turned to Al and I. ‘Some of them are too fat to trip up, so when I shout ‘up’, just lift the rope over their heads. Vaughan can deal with the ones we leave.’

We sprinted off again, sending a pack of shuffling figures toppling. Jay would pre-warn us of a fat one every so often, and we’d leave them alone. We could hear Vaughan on the radio, pausing to dispatch the waifs and strays. The Ring was close, obscured from view by a densely packed thicket. Soon we hit our first flaming zombie, staggering about as if drunk, and hissing like a potato in a microwave. We saw more on the ground, charred and thrashing as we forged on, and soon Cissbury Ring was in sight. There was indeed a roaring bonfire in the V-shaped notch, spewing out flaming, flailing bodies as fast as they stumbled into it. It was made from gorse bushes. Clever girl, I thought. I just hope you’re still there.

I left Al and Jay to pull more of them to the floor as I thumped my way through the hordes ahead. There were fifty or more of them heading for the fire, and I could see hundreds of others stretching around the bottom of the earth ramparts. To my horror I saw several clambering up the slopes, dead fingers gripping clumps of dry grass, feet scrabbling on the chalk.

‘
They’re in the camp; let’s get a move-on!’ I yelled behind me.

Vaughan had joined the others, holding the nail guns from Al’s backpack to arm us with, but they had to be adapted first. Jay was ripping up gaffer tape and they both worked on each nail gun in turn, quickly placing a cross of tape over the safety plate. When they were done Jay held one in his left and his sword in his right, and Vaughan weighed up his axe as he ran to hand me my nail gun. I took it and turned to scale the hill, avoiding the inferno in the middle of the footpath. I could hear both dogs howling, and Jay shouting ‘Stick together’, as I ran to the bottom of the first slope. The heat from the blaze was fierce but I ploughed headlong through the freaks and started to monkey my way up the outer perimeter rampart. I used the screws on my club to pull at their clothes, clearing a path above me by sending them flailing down the hill. I lost my footing once and nearly ended up in the unappealing pile of twisted, fidgeting corpses below me. When I finally stood on the top of the chalk walkway I could see down into the secondary ditch, curving away around the Ring either side of me. The hollow was dotted with figures, some immobile, some gathering themselves up to scale the secondary, inner slope; steeper and less forgiving. One or two fell from the top ring and back into the ditch. I jumped in, firing my nail gun at the heads of those who spotted me. The nail gun was effective as a distracter, and Al would be the first to admit that a clean kill was rare. If you hit roughly the right spot at the back of the neck – always fire off at least three nails at a time – it either felled them instantly or most often twisted them to face a different direction. Sometimes it even sent them to the ground with the impact.