Breakdown (Crash into Me) (16 page)

I shivered.

“Come on,” he insisted. “Let’s get some air.”

I was still shaking when I stepped out of the car, no one noticing me as William made his appearance to the crowd. He ignored them though, slinging off congratulations and back slaps as he made his way to me.

“T-that was amazing.”

Protectively, almost possessively, William put his arm around me, guiding both of us through the herd of the crowd until we had a little space. I didn’t recognize many of the people hanging around the finish line, though judging by the roaring fire pits and piles of empty wine boxes, the crowd off at the finish line was just as rowdy as the starting line spectators. As I understood it, this was why William kept me so close to him.

“That first time is always a little wild,” he said in my ear carefully. “I should have warned you about it.”

“I’m g-glad you didn’t,” I tried to insist. “I—I-it…”

“Relax Jumper,” William put his hand on my shoulder and again I shivered. “I can’t tell if you sound like someone who was almost murdered or a kid on Christmas.”

I laughed. Admittedly, however, the sound was strange, even to me. The noise ricocheted inside my head and bounced back and forth from eardrum to eardrum. I rang out my ear, suddenly eager to see how my voice would sound after another test run. “I s-sort of feel like both. But I like it,” I confessed. “I really, really like it. When do we go again?
Can
I go again? How badly did we lose? Did I weigh you down?”

Laughing, William’s face relaxed. “I plan on going again tonight, and we can go again if you really want. But I don’t think you should do anymore tonight.”

“Why not?” I practically yelled, feeling more insulted than disappointed.

“Because you’re shaking like an old drunk.” Speaking softly, his brows came together while he frowned. “Let yourself grow into it. Once you get used to it your body will too.”

“No!” I knew I sounded like a kid instead of an adult, but I didn’t care. I felt more desperate than I had ever been in my life. I never wanted this feeling to end, and if that meant stealing, marring, killing, or selling my soul, I happily would have done any of them to keep the feeling alive in me. “I want to go tonight! Again! Right now!”

“You’ve gotta chill out, Jumper. We just won for Christ’s sake. Take a minute to soak it in.”

“No! No way, if I feel this great after one race, this alive, imagine what I’d feel like after two! Or three!” I scanned around me for another driver who might have me at their side. Granted, none of them knew me, but neither did William exactly, and he was still willing to take me. So it was still possible I could get someone else to take me, right? Still, they probably wouldn’t be nearly the do-gooder William was, and would want something in return for the privilege of riding with them. I shuddered and tried to make the thought go away. Once I did, however, a new whirlwind of insane thoughts starting going through me. How fast could I get my Subaru to go? How much would it cost to put a new engine in it? New tires? Or a nitrous gauge?

Prior to me working any of it out in my mind, William shook his head, just as determined as I was. “Even if I wasn’t responsible for you, I’d still say no, Jumper. This ain’t something for a newbie to be overdosing on.”

“Fine.” I shoved his hands away from me as if they would stop the electric pulse running through me, stop the adrenaline dead in its tracks. “If you won’t take me, I’ll find someone else who will.”

Chapter Nine

My thoughts were frantic, ranging from self-destructive to creative as I broke away from him and wandered away for myself. It was as though by acknowledging it I had jinxed myself, and The Rush was already starting to fade, pulsing away just as rapidly as it had hit me. Would I really have to wait another week to feel it? What would I do with myself until then? How was I supposed to pretend I was living for anything else?

I took my headband off and shook my hair loose, trying to ignore William calling out after me, or the smell of smoke and booze that came with the breeze. I ignored them all but the smoke smell, the stink from the barrel fire inspiring a new idea in me that was just as stupid as it was desperate.

Without saying excuse me, I pushed my way through the small crowd, stopping only when I was standing close enough to the fire barrel to feel the heat radiating from the flames. And while my skin crawled, heart pounded with the impending pain, The Rush was too irresistible to ignore.

When I stuck my hand into the fire my front teeth slammed down on my tongue to keep me from screaming, making me taste of gush of blood while my hand roared with pain. Biting on my tongue couldn’t keep me quiet forever though, and just when I was opened my mouth to scream, William was pulling me away, making no attempt to be gentle when he dragged my arm, and the rest of me, away from the barrel fire. This, of course, incited more looks from the people around us than my actual attempt at self-destructiveness did.

“What in the hell are you doing?” he yelled. “Are you out of your skull?”

“Obviously,” I seethed. “You knew that when you met me.”

I laughed lightly through the pain, the hurt of it so powerful that I couldn’t even enjoy William taking my hand in his.

“You need to get this looked at.” Glancing at it only briefly, he took my other wrist and half dragged me. The direction told me we were heading back for the car, but I didn’t at all like where the conversation was heading. “I’m taking you to the ER.”

“No” I literally dug my heels into the ground. If I was going to be an immature kid, I may as well have gone all in with it. I pulled hard enough until he let me go. “I can’t. I won’t!”

“Just look at your hand, Jumper!” You easily got a second degree there! You gotta get that checked out by a doctor.”

“Not a chance. If I go to the hospital, the insurance might notify my mom and dad. I don’t even know if I have the card on me—”

William shook his head, flabbergasted. “A free-clinic then!”

“No. I’ll have to wait for three hours for basic first-aid. I can save myself the wait and take care of it at home.”

“You live over an hour away.” He tapped the steering wheel impatiently, almost angrily, I thought. “I have some first-aid stuff at my place…”

Being alone with William? In his place, where he lived and slept, where he probably had dreams about cars and naked girls? Why wasn’t that as appealing as it should have been? I poked at my rapidly blistering hand, trying to picture how it would look later on, if it would scar or if I would lose feeling there entirely.

So maybe riding in another race tonight wasn’t very realistic, but if hanging out with William was the only alternative available to me I was glad to have it.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “That could work.”

“Okay.” He stopped his nervous tapping and leaned over me for the glove box, finalizing the surprises for the night by pulling out a lighter held to pack of cigarettes with a rubber band. “I don’t live too from here, so at least your hand won’t fall off—”

“It isn’t that bad.” I poked at the red flesh again, feeling the pain as my nerves protested against the assault. Judging by the lack of pain in the center of my hand I thought maybe there was a third degree burn—the nerves partially destroyed by the fire. I clenched my hand until it formed a fist. Without explanation, the pain was not as invigorating as I expected, even close to being thrilling.

His offer to help me, however, was.

The place where William lived could truly only be described as a
place
. Poorly lit and with clothes scattered on various parts of the concrete floor, it reminded me of the back of an album cover—something grungy, with that 80’s metal twinge.

Technically, I realized, it wasn’t even certifiable dwelling at all, just the basement of the Chinese restaurant from the corner.

“The owner barely charges me at all,” William said, reading my mind. “Ah, watch your step there.”

As instructed, I ducked to get inside the low entrance, instantly squinting at both the darkness and the smell.

“In return I do some basic maintenance on the van they use for deliveries and the wife’s car. All my clothes end up smelling like kung pao…” While he scratched the back of his head and hurried to straighten the place up, I forgot about the pain in my hand, immensely enjoying his almost nervous smile. Still, I didn’t understand why anyone like William Do-gooder would feel self-conscious, especially in regard for someone like me. In a weird way though, I appreciated it and looked away, if only to be anymore rude or intrusive than I already was.

“You don’t smell like kung pao,” I murmured. Not looking at him, I tried to take in the names of as many car magazines as I could and felt a slightly fascination to see a well-crafted beer bottle tree in the corner.

“You, um, don’t have to clean or anything. Especially for me,” I was quick to add. “I’ve seen much worse.”

Laughing, he used his forearm to swipe garbage into its container. “Kinda doubt that one, Jumper.”

I smiled at a semi-fond memory. “Seriously. You should see the bakery Thanksgiving eve. I don’t think even FEMA could help that disaster area. Besides, this is your place. Who cares what I think if you’re comfortable?”

William choked on a combination of air freshener and laughter. “I didn’t think of it that way. It’s just that I haven’t had a girl here in a long time. I always end up going to them.”

Blushing furiously, I looked away and pretended to stare at a massive box of hot wheels and matchbox cars. “Well, it isn’t like we’re here for that.”

“Right.” Swearing, and I think tossing the can of air freshener somewhere, the sound of William’s feet against the floor sounded panicked to me as he moved quickly. Mumbling apologies, he began digging through a closet attached to the small kitchen space, undoing all his good work that the brief cleaning session had done. Though my back was still turned to him, I saw envelopes being thrown like Frisbees, noisemakers, half-melted candles tossed aside, oil stained rags, and more than one tennis ball that bounced my way.

When I turned, I saw William trying to lug an enormous backpack over his shoulder. Naturally, he did it in a single try, but the pretend look of strain on his face was almost enough to make me smile. Moreover, I appreciated his effort to try and cheer me up.

“What is that?”

He started walking and I followed, kicking tennis balls out of my way as necessary and trying to decipher the sound of yelling from the kitchen above.

“In here, Jumper, is everything you could possibly ever need to survive a nasty night and then some. Now come on, let’s have a look at the damage.”

William led me into a bathroom that was only about half as disgusting as I imagined, though just as small. Not wanting to seem snobbish, I sat on the end of the tub as instructed, where I was slightly surprised when he came to sit close next to me.

“Okay,” he sighed. “Let’s see it.”

With a certain amount of reluctance, I gave over my hand. But for all his brass talk of sex and cars, his rough friends and blue collared profession, William was completely gentle, holding the back of my hand like it was a something precious. I watched his face while he examined my palm, how the expression between his eyes changed when he turned my inner hand towards the bathroom light. Then, when his rough thumb ran just slightly over my wrist, I watched the twitch of his lip. Maybe if I had been better with men, I would have been able to read exactly what was going on behind those late summer eyes of his, but as it was I couldn’t, and the frustration of it sent fresh throbs of pain to my hand.

I cleared my throat obnoxiously. The sound of my voice startled him and he dropped my hand as gently as he had taken it. “What’s the verdict?”

William looked up at me wryly. “We’re going to have to amputate.”

“Hardy har har.” I reached for the faucet and turned it on cold. “I’m in
stitches
over here.”

“Ah ha.” William sat up and dragged the backpack over. “I see what you did there.”

The water felt incredibly good on my injured hand. Not Rush worthy, but if I was honest with myself, I should have run cold water fifteen minutes earlier. And as it was, the sharp pain was starting to slowly subside.