Breakable (26 page)

“I
don’t understand. Pattern? What are you–”

“I
didn’t want you to know. I couldn’t let you think he was your future because if
I could go back and change it, I would. Stacy, you know what he’s like. He
just…he keeps trying to
fix
me. Trying to convince me that I need help.
And he’s so
angry
when I refuse...” she trailed off.

“You’ve
been avoiding me because…you’re in hospital? We’re
crazy?
” I hissed.

Her
eyes appeared from behind her hands. “No, Stacy. No. We aren’t. You have to
trust me.”

“Trust
you?!” I couldn’t breathe. It was all coming together in my head. She’d been
lying. About all of it. “You let me think I had no future with Mark when you
were married to him! You let me think you were scared of your husband, when you
were in an
asylum
. You made me think the only way out of this life was –
Older Me! You lied! You lied to me about
everything!
”

“I’m
sorry!”

“Why
would you do that?”

“I
want you to be happy! I want you to be free of all this! And you can’t if you
stick with him. Stacy, you have to believe me…”

I
stumbled away from her, but came up against the wall. So I turned, needing to
move. But there were only four paces between the walls of this bathroom. No
space to think. No space to breathe. “How could you lie to me? How could you
leave me in the dark? How
could
you?!”

“Stacy,
please, believe me–”

I
stopped cold. Then turned on her. The closer I got to the mirror, the further
she backed away.

“Believe
you? Why should I believe a single word that comes out of your mouth? You’ve
been lying to me for years!” Feelings of fear and rage spiraled through my
chest. Mark was her husband, but he thought she was nuts. And she’d lied to me
about it! All of it! Mark was her
husband…

“Stacy,
please–”

“I
have to get out of here. I can’t be near you right now.”

“Don’t.
Don’t leave. You have to let me explain. We have to figure out–”

I
met her eye and she cut herself off. I shook from head to foot, prayed that
every ounce of rage and betrayal was painted on my face for her to see. “I
never want to see you again. I will not listen to one more word you say. I will
not believe you. Ever.”

“Stacy!”

She
kept screaming at me, but I let the words hit my back and fall to the floor. I
couldn’t believe I’d trusted her. I couldn’t believe I’d wasted time being
afraid of what she’d think. And the things she said about Mark…

I
was halfway to the door when I stumbled to a halt. My stomach dropped.

In
her life when he learned the truth he’d had her committed. But in my life, he
was going to find out before we even got together.

The
effect would be catastrophic.

There
would be no college reunion for us.

There
would be no marriage.

No
future.

She’d
taken everything. She’d ruined
everything
.

“I
hate you.” The words came out as a bare murmur. The way she was yelling, I
didn’t think she’d hear. But her cries cut off as if she’d been shot.

I
didn’t turn. Didn’t look at her. Didn’t have to.

“Don’t
say that,” she sobbed. “You can’t–”

“I
hate you.” Since the day those words had become a weapon against me, I’d never
used them toward another human being.

But
they were true.

“You
can’t hate me! I’m you!”

I
did turn then. Let her see the truth in my face. “Exactly. That’s what you’ve
given me.”

Her
mouth dropped open.

I
swallowed hard. Little thumps and bumps still came from the other side of the
door, along with echoes of voices in the hall. I wished for privacy, but this
was the best I would get for a while, so I stepped right up to the mirror and
whispered to her.

“Tonight
I had him. I
could
have had him. But…but I thought…” I squeezed my eyes
closed, pushed away the memories of his heat. “You’ve been so busy lying and
hiding, you couldn’t see what you were doing to me. You’ve taken everything.
Everything I want. Everything I
need
. You’re worse than Mom.”

Her
head jerked back like I’d slapped her.

A
hand thumped on the door again. “Stace?”

“Dude,
leave her alone.”

“Mind
your own business, Mark.”

Oh,
no. Mark was there. My Mark. Outside the door…

I
wanted to throw myself out there and into his arms. I wanted to run so I’d
never have to see his face again. But Older Me was frozen in front of me.

She
swallowed hard, her eyes flickering from my face to her own hands. “You…you
don’t understand,” she whispered. “You will. I promise. I had to do it. For
you. Right now it feels like–”

“RIGHT
NOW EVERYTHING IS RUINED!” I screamed.

All
voices on both sides of the mirror, went silent. I could almost hear everyone
in the room behind me holding their breath.

“He
isn’t perfect, Stacy.” Her words came out fast, clipped. “You’ve got him up on
this pedestal and… when you get close to someone you find out they aren’t quite
the person you thought they were–”

“So
I should have jumped into bed with Dex then?”

Her
lips pressed together and her chin wobbled. “Stop it. I’m telling you the
truth. Everything I’ve done, it’s all been for you. It’s all been to help you–”
My door rattled again. Older Me cut off, looking over my shoulder. “Are you…?”

“Stacy?
Stacy, come out. We’ll talk.” It was Mark. He sounded worried I wanted to go to
him. Talk to him. I wanted to be
his.

But
Older Me stepped forward again. “You said you could have… that Mark would have
slept with you. Why’d you stop?”

I
wanted to bite something. “Because…because he has a girlfriend. And I didn’t
want to be a cheater like she is…”

“Good.”
Her eyes closed and her chin dropped. “You only get one shot at this, Stacy.
Don’t do anything until it’s right. Until you
know
it’s right. I’ll be
here until…until you don’t need me anymore. I will. And I’m helping. I promise.
If Mark wants to be with you, he’ll still want it tomorrow. He’ll break up with
Karyn. He’ll
be there
the way you need him. He’ll wait.”

“But
what if he doesn’t?” I cried and the door rattled again. I was so confused. I
couldn’t wrap my head around Older Me lying and being married to Mark, and how
I’d left him when he wanted me…

“Who’re
you talking to, Stace? Open the door. Please!”

“Get
lost, jerk, she’s my date.”

I
looked at Older Me and she looked back me.

“I
love you,” she whispered. “I do. And one of these days…one of these days you’ll
realize it.”

And
somehow the word penetrated my skin, pressed into my muscles and bones and…felt
real. 

But
I was so angry with her.

Before
I could figure out how to respond a big bang sounded on the door and I jumped.

“Back
off, Dex!”

“Guys,
guys, we’re talking about
Watson
here. Seriously, let’s go drink. She’ll
crawl out eventually.”

Mark
snapped “Shup UP, Finn.”

“I’m
leaving now.” I didn’t want to look them all in the face. But I couldn’t stand
there with her for another minute. “I hope you’re happy.”

“Stacy,
please–”

But
I turned my back on her and flipped the lock open.

Chapter Thirty-One

The
clock says 1:05pm. My stomach tightens.

Doc
sighs, removes his glasses, and rubs his eyes. He doesn’t look soft. He frowns
at his watch, then says, in a tight voice, “Perhaps this is a good place to
stop for lunch, Stacy. What do you think?”

I’m
suddenly unsure of him. He isn’t measuring me. He’s blank.

“But,
we’re just getting to the good stuff!” I titter, the false lightness in my
voice especially obvious when I try to laugh. It comes as a croak.

He
shakes his head. “I think I can manage the wait.”

The
dryness in his tone puts a chill in my bones. He shouldn’t be willing to walk
away from this. And I don’t want time to think right now, time for life to move
slowly. We’re getting
so
close.

Part
of me wishes it would never come. But the rest of me aches to push time
forward. To get there. To get this over with…

Doc
closes my file, placing it on the table next to the lamp. “Why don’t you go get
some lunch? Strengthen yourself for the upcoming…trial.”

He
tries a tight grin. I can’t return it.

He
rises to his feet, looking at me until I stand too. He leads me to the door –
the one that isn’t locked, that only leads deeper into the hospital.

“Doc,
I–”

“Stacy,
have a break. Eat something. Consider what it is we’re trying to do here.
Because right now I feel we are at odds.”

Funny.
I’ve felt that way the whole time.

I
swallow hard. “No, we aren’t.”

His
smile is tight and insincere as he indicates the door. “Just give it some
thought. I’ll see you in half an hour.” He pulls the door open for me.

When
I pulled open the bathroom door in Finn’s parent’s beach house, Mark was
standing profile to me, looking at someone in the hall. He whirled.

For
a split second the image of him in later years – slightly heavier, still
devastatingly handsome – superimposed over his wary face. I wanted to rush into
his arms and tell him everything. But as he stepped forward with a gentle
“Stace?” it wasn’t the hush of tamped desire, but a careful, wary whisper.

By
hiding the truth from me
she’d
ruined everything.

A
few guys loitered in the hallway. I could see them through the open bedroom
door, talking, glancing inside, no doubt formulating stories for Monday.

Mark
cleared his throat. “Look, we need to go talk somewhere–”

“Hey,
get in line. Just because your date left.” Dex pushed forward.

Mark
turned on him, but I grabbed his arm, stepped ahead of him. I didn’t want this
to get out of hand. “Let me talk to him.”

Mark
snapped his head around to look at me, incredulous.

Dex
gave a smug smile and pushed him aside. “Yeah, see?”

With
a warning look at Mark I stepped up to Dex and slapped his face. I put my
weight behind it. The crack echoed against the vaulted ceiling.

Mark
and Finn’s jaws dropped. All conversation in the hallway ceased.

Dex
stared at me, wide eyed, rubbing his cheek. “What was that for?”

“You
should have taken your chances with Belinda,” I said. “Because you’ve got zero
chance with me.”

Dex’s
mouth dropped open. But instead of waiting for a response I walked over to Finn
whose face was wide with amusement until his eyes dropped to meet mine.

“I
find it really interesting that it was Terese’s mom who called all the other
parents tonight. I mean, who called her?”

Finn’s
eyes narrowed. “We’re pretty sure it was you.”

I
bit my lip and pretended to think about it. “Weird, ‘cause Terese’s numbers are
all private – I know, because my caller ID can’t pick it up when she texts me
about how fat I am. So I don’t actually know her number – couldn’t even find it
when I tried to get it blocked. So…who has it? I don’t.”

Finn’s
face went blank.

“Do
you have her number, Finn? Don’t your moms play tennis, or something?”

There
was a flash of alarm behind Finn’s eyes, but he covered it well. Instead of responding,
he folded his arms and moved aside, tipped his head at the door. “If you aren’t
putting out, there’s no reason for you to be here. So leave.”

“Hey!”
Mark sprang forward, but I put a hand up to stop him and turned back to Finn.

“You
didn’t answer the question.”

Finn
leaned into my face until we were almost nose-to-nose. “This is
my
party. Why would I want to ruin it? Oh, wait, I already did – letting you show
up.”

Ignoring
his jab, I shook my head. “I know why,” I said quietly, holding his gaze.

“Why?”
Mark snapped.

Finn’s
eyes narrowed, but I could see him tense.

I
pushed past him, praying he’d let me go. He didn’t want me to expand on that in
front of Mark.

The
guys in the hallway saw me coming. They whistled and catcalled.

“Stacy,
what was that all about? Stacy!” Mark caught my arm just outside the door. I
pulled it back and kept going, pushing through a bunch of guys I didn’t know,
toward the stairs.

“Stace,
stop.”

“I
can’t.” I started down the stairs, the hair on the back of my neck at
attention, terrified of what might come at me if I stopped moving.

Mark’s
feet thumped on the stairs behind me.

“Wh–”

“I
have to get out of here, Mark. Can I have your car, please? Finn will give you
a ride home tomorrow.”

“But
Stacy, we need to talk.”

“Not
tonight. I can’t do anymore tonight.”

“I
didn’t mean
do
anything. I said talk.”

We’d
reached the bottom floor. Bumps and shouts rose overhead, but there were no
feet on the stairs. Yet.

Music
still pounded out of the empty living room. I took a right at the bottom of the
stairs and headed for the kitchen.

“Stacy,
stop!” Mark grabbed my arm again. I stopped, whirled on him.

But
he leaned in close, glancing around for listeners. My heart throbbed.

“Why
did you run away…out there?” he asked softly.

“Because
you have a girlfriend!” I hissed.

Mark
flinched, his fingers loosened on my arm.

“I
hate her, Mark. And not just because she has you. She’s…she’s evil. She’s not
being honest with you. And…” I stared at him, asking myself if I could risk the
truth, knowing I couldn’t, but hoping, desperately hoping he’d tell me he never
wanted to see Karyn again. That he’d tell me he was in love with me. That it
would be a different story for me and Mark – that I could tell Older Me she had
it wrong. That he loved me so much I could never be miserable with him. But he
didn’t move or speak.

Images
of him leaning in to kiss me, his hands cupping my face, the delicious
sensations of his touch, bombarded me. If he’d leaned in then, I wouldn’t have said
no. I wouldn’t have had the strength. I was desperate to be able to touch him
again.

But
he just ran a hand through his hair, then shoved his hands in his pockets. His
shirt still flapped around his hips. My fingers tingled with the memory of his
skin.

“Stay,”
he said, not meeting my eyes. “I’ll make them leave you alone.”

I
shook my head, aching for him to touch me again. “It’s better this way. No one
will be able to say we were cheating…”

Mark
stiffened and I wished I hadn’t said it. “Stace–”

“It’s
okay,” I whispered, backing away. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No,
I didn’t mean it that way. Tonight… You weren’t the one cheating.”

I
snorted to cover the tears. “Story of my life.”

He
tried to say something else, but I cut him off. “Look, forget about it, okay?
I’m done. This is like, one of the worst nights of my life. I just want to get
out of here and forget it ever happened.”

Mark
frowned. In the dark his eyebrows pressed together like a couple fists. “All of
it?”

Oh,
gawd. I wanted to use my fingers to smooth those wrinkles out of his forehead.
I want to squeeze him until he couldn’t breathe. I wanted
him.

I
shook my head. “Of-of course not. But… but you have a girlfriend and I’m a
social leper and… it’s just too hard.”

I
was giving him an out. I wanted him to talk me out of it – tell me he didn’t
care about Karyn, or what his friends thought. I wanted him to fight. But he
just stood there, staring.

Hope
died in my chest. I stepped back. “Those guys aren’t ever going to let this go.
I have to leave. You know that. Can I have your car? Please?”

Mark
nodded and reached into his pocket for his keys. He held them out, placing them
carefully in my outstretched hand.

I
took them and turned. I walked slow enough that if he came after me, tried to
stop me, he wouldn’t have had any trouble catching me.

But
he didn’t.

When
I reached the car and locked myself inside, away from the sounds of the guys
rehashing everything that had happened, I realized Older Me had been right
about one thing: Mark Grey, the love of my life and the most amazing kisser in
the world, wasn’t perfect.

He
wasn’t even close.