Bound (3 page)

The house was so quiet. No classes to get to, no studying or packing to do. Nothing to occupy my mind with. I texted my friend Lacey from high school to see if she could meet me for coffee, but she was at work, like most other normal people.

I sighed and
looked around my childhood bedroom. It was time to double down on my efforts to find a job. Psychology majors weren’t exactly in demand in the Chicago area, but there were a lot of things I could do. I needed something to focus on. Something besides the aimless melancholy that had become my constant companion.

***

June 2013 – Ryke

How did anyone find what they were looking for in this hospital? It was all hallways and doors and elevators that only went to certain floors. Though I’d attended a lot of meetings here over the past year, I still wondered if I was lost as I wound my way through the maze.

The dry erase board with “Bereavement Support Group” scrawled across it confirmed I wasn’t lost. I pulled my baseball hat down over my forehead and walked in.

It was mostly the usual suspects: Rose, the 60-ish lady who always brought homemade cookies; Carlos, the young guy who’d nursed both of his parents through losing battles to cancer; and Trace, who no one wanted to sit next to because of his body odor. There were several other faces I recognized, and one I didn’t. She sat in one of the padded folding chairs arranged in a circle, and I recognized her expression.

She was trying to decide whether or not to bolt. I’d done the same
thing before my first meeting. ‘I don’t need to be here’, I’d told myself. ‘These people are all weak, but I’m not.’ But something had kept my ass glued to that padded chair. Something in the back of my head that said I’d been telling myself I was okay for more than a year, and I was tired of it. This seemed like a place where it was okay to admit I wasn’t.

I never said much at the meetings, but talking wasn’t a requirement. I’d told these people what happened to Maggie, and it felt fucking amazing when none of them looked at me with the pity I’d grown used to. None of them asked me how I was feeling. They didn’t say anything – just listened. And there was something about listening to them that made me feel
a little less fucked up.

“Hey, guys.” The shrink who led the group, Kirk, rushed through the door with his worn out leather briefcase in tow. He was a thin guy with his head shaved completely bald. I hadn’t figured out yet if he was gay or straight, not that I really gave a shit.

“Anybody want a cookie?” Rose passed around a paper plate layered with chocolate chip cookies as people took seats in the circle of chairs. I sat between Kirk and Carlos, feeling bad for the new girl when Trace flopped down next to her. Hopefully she had a bad sense of smell.

“Hi, I’m Kirk, and I lead this group.” He blew out a breath, looking across the circle at the new girl. “Welcome. All I ask is that you introduce yourself, though you’re welcome to share more when we go around. We don’t judge here. This is a place for support
, and everything in this room, including who’s here, is confidential.”

He looked at me first, and I shifted in my
seat. “Hi, I’m Ryke. That’s all I’ve got tonight.”

Kirk nodded and looked at Carlos. “Hi, I’m Carlos, and I lost my mom 15 months ago and my dad seven months ago. I’m doing okay.” He looked down at his hands. “I started cleaning out the room
in my house where I took care of my parents, which was kind of a big deal for me. I hadn’t gone in since Dad died.”

There was a long pause, and I knew
from the strained look on his face that Carlos was trying not to cry. I wondered why. Some dark shit had been shared in this group over the year I’d been coming, and crying wasn’t a big deal.

I glanced at the new girl, whose big brown eyes were soft with compassi
on for Carlos. I’d felt an instant connection with the people here, despite their annoying quirks, and I wondered if she did, too.

“Anything else you’d like to share?” Kirk asked softly. Carlos shook his head and wiped his nose.

The lady next to him, Kathy, started in about her kids and her late husband’s kids fighting over his money, and I zoned out. My calf muscles were still throbbing from the brutal workout the trainer had made me do earlier. I was glad tomorrow was an off day.

I moved to the edge of my seat when
it was the new girl’s turn. She was gorgeous, with a small, tight body and long blonde hair. But it was something else about her that was commanding my attention. That sadness on her face – I’d been there. The haunted look in her eyes – I’d looked that way. She’d lost someone, and though I didn’t even know who, I felt like she knew me. I wanted to wrap her in my arms, take her to bed and make her feel something so deep and powerful it made the sadness go away, if even for just a little while.

You’re a real asshole for getting a hard-on at a grief support group, Ryke.

I shifted in my chair as she sighed and then smiled.

“Hi, I’m Kate.
” She sighed again and squeezed her hands together. “I just graduated from Northwestern. I got pregnant back in August, and when I went in for a sonogram between 17 and 18 weeks, the baby had passed away.”

Rose gave a sympathetic murmur, but the room was otherwise silent. Kate looked around at the faces before she continued.

“Getting pregnant was an accident. The guy left me when I told him I was having the baby, and the whole thing turned my life upside down. But I adjusted, and I was starting to get excited when … it happened. I feel so guilty about not wanting the baby at first—” there was a catch in her voice “—because I feel like I got what I deserved.”

Her voice had risen
and tears hit her cheeks when she blinked. Kirk passed around a box of tissues and she grabbed one, wiping her face before she continued.

“I tell everyone I’m okay,” she said. “I even tell myself that. But I don’t know if I am. I keep waiting for things to go back to the way they were before, and it never happens. I don’t really know what to do. I guess … that’s all. Thanks for listening.”

“Thanks for sharing, Kate,” Kirk said. I wondered if he felt the same way I did. It was all I could do not to get up and walk over to Kate and take her in my arms. What a raw deal. And obviously she had no support from the asshole who’d gotten her pregnant.

It was Trace’s turn to talk, but I couldn’t stop looking at Kate. She saw me staring and looked back once, but I couldn’t bring myself to smile. It was creepy to smile here.

The meeting finished and everyone got up to have coffee and cookies.

“How’s it going?” Carlos asked me.

“Good. How bout you?”

“Pretty good. I found a new job that pays more, and my girlfriend wants us to move in together.
I don’t know, man, should I do it?”

“Uh … I don’t know, do you want to?” I asked, caught off guard. I wasn’t used to being asked for relationship advice.

His eyes bulged as he considered. “I don’t know, bro. That’s a lot of togetherness, you know? I mean, she’s great and all, but . . . Man, I keep thinking about it and it’s like, such a big step, you know?”

“I guess. But if you don’t want to, then don’t.”

Rose was talking to Kate, her hand squeezing Kate’s forearm a little. I wanted to hear what they were saying, but Carlos was getting louder as he went on.

“. . . not watching that damned HGTV when football’s on, you know?” he said. “And I’m not getting rid of my couch. It’s ugly and big, but it’s comfortable. I don’t want some tiny couch that I can’t even lay on.”

“Uh . . . yeah, I get that,” I said. “Did she say she wants you to get rid of it?”

He sighed and crossed his arms. “No, but that’s how they work, man. They act like it’s gonna be all fun and games. A home cooked meal and a blow job every night. But then, once they get there, they just take over everything.”

Kate took a cookie from Rose and bit into it. Rose was still chattering, but they both turned toward the doorway. Dammit. I wanted to catch her somehow. Say something.

“I love her, though. She’s my kitty cat,” Carlos said. I’d obviously missed something when I was staring at Kate.

“What about your cat?” I said.

“No, my girlfriend. That’s my pet name for her. Kitty cat. And she calls me—”

I didn’t even want to know. “Did you say you want to move in together or you don’t?”

“That’s what I’m saying, bro. It’s like I do but I don’t, you know?”

Was this guy actually a woman? I wanted to tell him to sack up and either do it or not do it but for the love of Christ stop talking to me about it.

“Yeah, that’s tough
, man,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Maybe you should just talk to her about some of this stuff. Tell her your concerns.”

“You think so?”

Why the fuck would I have said it if I didn’t think it? I nodded and he looked thoughtful.

“Yeah, maybe I will. Thanks, Ryke, you’re a good friend, bro.” Carlos came in for a half hug and I tolerated it.

When I backed away, I looked around the room for Kate, but she was gone. I wanted to punch Carlos. She’d probably never be back. I hadn’t gotten to say a word to the first woman I’d wanted to talk to in a very long time.

***

Kate

I squared my shoulders and smiled as I walked into a downtown building that was flooded with late-morning light shining through its tall glass walls. The click of my heels on the stone floor infused me with confidence as I approached the receptionist’s desk.

“Hi, I’m Kate Camden.” I extended my hand and she held up a finger as she finished typing something.

“Okay. Hi, can I help you?” Her tone made it obvious I was an unwanted annoyance.

“Are you hiring?” I reached for the stack of resumes in my messenger bag.

“Not at this time. And we don’t hire high school students.” The disdain in her voice made me do a double-take.

“High school? I just graduated from Northwestern with honors.”

“Oh. Well, you have a young face. And we’re still not hiring.”

I turned back toward the door with a sigh. I’d been at this for almost three hours. I’d been flat turned down dozens of times, had my resume filed three times and been propositioned for a date once.

I pulled my phone from my purse and saw that it was time to meet Kylie, my former college roommate. She was a paralegal at a downtown law firm, and we were having lunch at a sushi place near her office.

The lunch hour traffic was a nightmare, and the air conditioner in my
‘98 Honda had only been blowing hot air since my sophomore year of college. I cranked my window down and a warm breeze greeted me. My feet were sore from my open-toed heels and I’d been rejected by virtually every employer over two city blocks in downtown Chicago, but I felt good. I was out of the house, actually doing something.

I scored a parking place right outside the restaurant and saw Kylie in a small booth as soon as I walked in.

“Hey, girl,” she squealed, getting up to hug me.

“Hey, how are you?”

Her baby blue eyes brightened as she sipped her lemonade. “I’m good. Lots of hot guys at my new office. I ordered you an iced tea with lemon.”

“You remembered!” I smiled,
fondness for my former roomie washing over me. She was one of those sunny bundles of energy who saw the upside of everything.

“Of course I remember,” she said, smacking my arm lightly. “We lived together for two years. No long island tea, thoug
h, since you’re job hunting. How’s it going?”

“Well, my confidence is as shredded as my toes are in these shoes right now, so …”

“It takes time. Hang in there.”

I reached for the iced tea a waitress slipped toward me, sipping it eagerly. “How’s it going with Lance?”

“Oh.” Kylie waved her hand and scowled. “Over.”

“I’m sorry—”

“No, don’t be! I broke up with him.”

“Well, if you’re happy about it, then so am I,”
I said, grinning.

“I am. He’s a loser. I was at his apartment one night and he was in the shower and his phone rang with a text, so I was taking it to the bathroom in case it was work. I looked down at the phone and the text said, ‘I’m so wet, baby’.”

My lips parted with shock.

“I know.” Kylie rolled her eyes.
“I held the phone up so he could see it and he was all wiping the water off his face and then he read it and his eyes almost popped out.”

“What’d he say?”

“Well . . . I was kind of mean. I got all wide-eyed and told him the thought of another woman getting all wet over him made me horny. He looked like he’d won the lotto for a second. I told him I wanted to get her wetter and he was like, ‘Really . . .?’, and he was about to jump out of the shower when I threw the phone in the toilet and left.”

I threw my head back with laughter. Kylie and I
had gotten close over two years as roommates, and I missed spending time with her.