Book of Love (42 page)

I thought about all my adoptive parents and
how many times each tried to create a happy life for me, how
relentlessly they urged me into activities designed to muster a
laugh, though one never came. I was like a poisonous berry,
beautiful on the outside, damaged and sick on the inside. It was an
inevitable truth that each parent would fail, and so they sent me
back to the social workers, apologizing for their failure as
parents. After a while, I gave up hoping that I could find a place
to fit in, hoping instead that I could just be in one place for
longer than a few months. It was that fact that I moved in with
Heidi and her other foster kids, and for what I planned to be
forever – or at least until I was old enough to strike out on my
own.

I exhaled from deep within my charred soul
as I finally reached the town of Sedro-Woolly. There, the road
split and I turned onto Highway Twenty, heading east into the North
Cascades. The small town of Sedro-Woolly was far north, close to
the Canadian border and the San Juan Islands. It was just far
enough from Seattle to make me feel like I could leave the past
behind me and start anew. The town was the gateway to my future, a
new life.

As I headed into the wilderness, the trees
that edged the roadside seemed to welcome my presence, the branches
swaying in the gentle breeze. The air seemed full of magic, and I
saw the glimmer of bugs flying between thick rays of light, like
fairies in the trees. With my windows opened, the gentle clamoring
of water softly whispered in my ear as I passed spring after
spring, cascading down the granite rocks and into the roadside
reservoirs.

The mountains closed in around me like a
blanket, casting deep shadows on the road, but not the same
depressing shadows I had grown up around in the city. These shadows
revealed a whole other world beyond the dirty streets and sadness,
a world full of life. For the first time, I felt a soft warmth
flicker in my vacant soul and I gasped, the feeling ripping the
breath from my lungs.

Rounding the corner with caution, the trees
parted before me like a curtain at the opera. Sun poured into the
car, a fresh scent riding on the rays. The river that had followed
the road burst open into a large lake that was held back by a small
dam. The water sparkled clearer than I’d ever seen in Puget Sound,
and the glimmer made my eyes water. The air that blew into the car
was crisp and cool from the glacial waters, and I breathed deep,
feeling reenergized.

I gazed in awe, wondering how I’d let this
whole world hide from me for so long. As I followed the lake, I
kept glancing toward it, afraid that it would disappear as fast as
it had come, akin to a dream or a fleeting memory.

Like the meandering stream, the road wound
to the right and I crossed over the lake on a small bridge. I felt
a rush of something cold enter my body as though the water were
pulsing through me, becoming a part of my blood and filling every
vein. I allowed the feeling to control my thoughts, and I imagined
a tidal wave washing through my wounded mind, cooling each burning
gash.

Just when I thought I couldn’t have seen
anything any more stunning, the lake expanded further, revealing an
even larger dam before me. The structure was astonishing in its
sheer size and power, solid as though the Earth had made it. I took
in the complex structure and it amazed me to believe that man could
create something so magnificent. As I tore my gaze from the
structure, I saw that the college was now before me, nestled into
the hillside on the other side of the dam. I was almost there. I
was almost free.

As I turned from the main road toward the
campus, I slowed my car as it rolled onto the quaint cobblestone
roadway atop the dam itself. The gentle vibration was soothing as
the cobbles shuddered under my weight. The college had utilized
this dam as the crossing to the school, and I allowed myself to
imagine that it was a bridge to my fairy-tale castle.

To my left was the lake that I had driven
beside on my way up. As I peered over the ledge, I beheld the
plunging drop, my head experiencing a gripping vertigo. To my
right, the water churned, anxious and foamy in its attempt to
escape its confines. The lake itself was crystal blue, and rich
with minerals that added a milky consistency. Rocky peaks
surrounded the water on all sides, reaching with open arms into an
even bluer sky. The unique coloring was unbelievable and I
recognized it to be Diablo Lake, upon whose shores the college was
situated.

As I neared the other side of the bridge, I
noticed a cascading waterfall drop like a graceful veil from a far
peak and into the lake on its final decent. Its raw power humbled
me, reminding me of my infinitesimal existence on this planet. I
watched in silence as the falls misted the air around it, rainbows
flashing in its wake. The wind whipped toward me across the water
and I enjoyed the untamed beauty.

I tightened my grip on the wheel and held my
breath as I heard a gust of wind tickle the small waves of the
lake. The wind rushed toward me, unfazed by my position in its
path. As it landed on the car, the cool breeze whipped through my
long hair, making it dance. My skin prickled and I shivered from
the chill, the hairs on my arms now standing on end.

When I reached the other side of the bridge,
I released my breath, feeling refreshed and grounded as my car
rolled onto the gravel drive, the water no longer flowing below me
like a force of energy greater than I could control. I circled
Diablo Lake and just a few hundred feet farther east, the road
became even rougher. My tires struggled to find their grip so I
drove with caution up the hill toward the front of the small
cluster of buildings. I tried to stifle the anxiety and fear I now
felt toward this unfamiliar place. My mind was cautious, but also
roaring with curiosity.

An anonymous donor had created the Cascades
College a few years back. Its purpose was to provide a Masters in
Environmental Studies through hands-on experience and practice.
There were also primary classes but mainly it was a place to get
your hands dirty and experience the real world, in its truest
sense.

When I had learned about the college, I
remembered that it was the first time I’d felt my heart truly beat.
Something about its design, location, and description felt more
like home than anywhere I had ever been. I needed to be close to
the earth, close to the place where life began.

I was never the nature-loving type, yet my
choice to come here had been motivated by nature and my desire to
heal. Ever since I could remember, I possessed a strange talent for
growing plants; a green thumb, you might say. But my talent did not
simply involve using the right fertilizers and making sure to water
regularly. My talents seemed to involve something much more magical
and indescribable; something I was here to figure out.

Turning my car off with a heavy sigh, I sat
in front of the main learning center, the large ‘Welcome’ sign
looming over me. I felt something flicker in my chest as it had on
the drive up, and for a second time, it stole the breath from my
lungs. I was right to come here.

Taking in the small modern buildings, I
again wondered if perhaps I was dreaming. I had been trapped by the
city for so long, that I had never seen nature first hand. Though I
coveted the magazines on every store shelf, I now saw that pictures
could not give it justice. Nature was a sensory experience, meant
to be enjoyed in its natural environment.

A lanky red-headed man, startled by my
abrupt arrival, jumped up from a bench by the office doors and ran
toward my parked car with a smile plastered across his face. He
couldn’t have been much older than I, but his demeanor made him
seem years younger. He came bounding down the hill, tripping with
inherent clumsiness. He was quick to regain his composure with a
small smile of embarrassment. He wore a green plaid short-sleeved
shirt with hiking shorts and Columbia boots. I chuckled to myself,
finding his outfit a cliché.

The man was breathing hard as he placed both
of his hands on the window. He leaned down to my eye level, locking
his gaze on mine.

“
New arrival?” he asked, in
a cheerful voice that was also winded.

I looked at him with nervous eyes as anxiety
gripped my stomach.

“
Yes,” I managed to
squeak.

His eyes were a light blue like mine, but
unlike mine, his were full of life and happiness.

“
Great,” he exclaimed,
sticking his hand through my window for me to shake. “I’m
Scott.”

I stared at his hand for a moment, allowing
my anxiety to subside. Finally, I deduced that Scott was harmless,
and I grabbed his hand between two fingers and gave it a soft
shake.

Scott yanked his hand back just as quickly
as he had thrust it forward, unfazed by my reluctance.

“
Well, it sure is great to
meet you. Would you like some help with your things?”

He opened my car door, and I cringed as it
shuddered and scraped, rust flakes falling to the ground.

“
Um…”
I was processing the
information as quickly as I could. “Sure. That would be great.” I
pulled myself out of the seat.

“
Thanks,” I added, giving
him a small, tight smile.

Scott stood there with his hands on his
hips, smiling eagerly. He was like a dog, just waiting to be thrown
a bone.

“
So what’s your name?” As
soon as I was out of the way, he jumped forward, lunging into my
backseat and loading his scrawny arms with my three somewhat small
bags, the makings of my whole life.

“
I,
uh….”
I stuttered, grabbing my throat, willing it to stop. “My name
is Estella.” My medications always caused me to think slowly, as if
I were in a cloud. It was an unpleasant but unavoidable side-effect
of the medication I needed to make it through my days.

“
Hi, Estella.” He grabbed a
sheet from his pocket, juggling his load as he struggled to bring
it to his face. He squinted. “Looks like you got your own cabin.”
His eyes widened with excitement. “Cool,” he crooned.

I nodded in agreement. I had worked a few
extra shifts at the fish counter of the local market to make that
possible. I wasn’t about to bunk up in a group dormitory again,
like I had for a good portion of my life at the orphanage.

“
Well, then.” He smiled
with a sweet glow as he urged me forward. “Follow me.”

“
Thanks.” I grabbed my
shoulder bag from the passenger seat and rushed to keep
up.

“
So, Estella…”

“
Oh, you can call me Elle,”
I quickly corrected him.

He looked back at me as I
followed behind him. “Okay then,
Elle…
What brings you
here?”

I looked at him sideways. What else would I
be here for? “For the Master’s course,” I said softly.

“
Oh, really?” He looked
back at me again, this time scrutinizing my face more closely.
“Aren’t you a bit young for a Masters?”

I shrugged, watching my feet as they
struggled to stay on pace, nerves again gathering in my stomach. “I
got my undergraduate degree while I was young.”

“
Really?” He sounded
shocked.

“
Well…” I felt embarrassed
and my cheeks began to flush. “It’s just that…it came so
naturally.” I paused, breathing hard as we passed under a large
pine that left a thick bed of needles on the ground. “It wasn’t
very difficult for me. I had a lot of time on my hands.”

The fact that I never had friends made me
resort to anything that could pass my time, and mostly that was
homework and studying. I was a first class nerd and social reject.
Even when I did try to make friends, my awkward personality
eventually put them off. I knew that at some point, Scott probably
would come to learn this as well. But for now, he seemed to accept
this.

His eyes smiled at me when he spoke. “Then I
am impressed. I’m in that program, too, but I’m not quite as young
as you. I’m twenty-one. I kept pretty much on pace with things
through high school.” He eyed me with curiosity. “I suppose we’ll
have the same classes. There aren’t many people here.”

I nodded, thinking that was how I’d wanted
it, quiet and secluded. As we rounded the path, I finally spotted a
small cabin nestled on the hill.

“
So, that will be yours,”
he announced. We approached fast, climbing onto the porch with our
boots echoing beneath us. He threw down a bag so that he could open
the door. I noticed there was no lock.

“
I will just set your bags
here in the corner. Does that work?”

I nodded again. “Yeah. Thanks, Scott.”

He thrust his hand toward me again, still
the same energetic spark to his face.

“
Well, good to meet you,
Elle.” He still didn’t seem fazed by my standoffish behavior. “I
guess I will see you tomorrow in class?”

I shook his hand and tried to give him
another smile, though I was never able to succeed in getting it
quite right. “Yeah, I guess I will. Thanks again.”

I shut the door behind him as he bounded
down the hill with the same awkward gait as before. As I looked
around the small, square cabin, I was pleased to see there was a
lot more than I’d first imagined. I had my own bathroom with a
small shower and a tiny kitchenette with a miniature refrigerator.
My bed was full-sized, bigger than I’d ever had, and I experienced
a small feeling of satisfaction at my turn of luck.

I reached in my bag and pulled out the thick
envelope Heidi had given me. I slid it in the crack where the
fridge met the cabinet, thinking I’d save it for an emergency. I
pulled my boots off, placing my stocking feet on the wood boards of
the floor, testing the texture on my toes. I then circled the
inside perimeter of the cabin, inspecting every square inch of my
new home and opening the blinds as I went to let in the light.