Blue Twilight (11 page)

“My God! What happened to her, Eric?” Terri asked in dismay.

“Shit. This is so hard for me to talk about. It’s why I’ve always considered myself such a lousy father; forget the fact that I was rarely around.”

Eric knocked back his scotch and water and ordered another.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re one of the nicest people I know,” Terri said, covering Eric’s hand with his own. “I’m sure whatever happened wasn’t your fault.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

The waiter set a second scotch and water in front of him, and Eric grabbed on to it with the desperation of a drowning man.

“Ellen—that was my wife—she was taking night courses at the time, trying to finish her teaching degree. We were still living together, although I’d already come out. Of course, we were more like roommates by then. Ones who fought a lot and sometimes didn’t talk.”

Eric stopped and took a long drink of his scotch.

“Anyway, I continued to support them both financially, what with Ellen still getting over the shock. I figured it was the least I could do under the circumstances. That meant I couldn’t move out on my own yet.”

Terri shook his head sympathetically. “You should have come to me. I had a town house in the French Quarter. I would have given you a place to stay.”

Eric massaged his temples with his fingertips, as if trying to rid himself of a headache that refused to go away. “Oh, what the hell. I might as well be honest about it. I was afraid to give up the respectability that marriage gave me. Pretty pathetic, huh?”

“Not at all. Your whole world had been turned upside down at that point,” I sympathized, though I still couldn’t understand why Eric continued to beat himself up so much.

“All Ellen asked in return was that I watch Lily three
nights a week until she got home from her courses. Naturally, I agreed. Lily was five years old at the time, and I loved being with her. Besides, I didn’t know if Ellen was going to ask for sole custody. I wanted to spend all the time that I could with my daughter.”

Eric abruptly stopped and stared at the wall, as if he were watching a movie in his head.

“Go on,” I gently prodded.

He took a deep breath and jaggedly exhaled, as though his very soul were trying to escape. “I was preparing dinner for Lily one night when the phone rang in the bedroom. It was someone I’d met at the Boy Toy. God knows whatever possessed me to give him my home number. Anyway, we were talking when Lily suddenly burst out in this horrible blood-curdling scream. I swear, I can still hear it to this day. I ran into the kitchen to find that she’d accidentally knocked a pot of boiling water off the stove and had gotten it all over herself.

“Oh Christ,” Terri muttered.

Eric angrily shook his head and wiped a few tears from his face. “Jeez, she was just a little kid, you know? Why the hell does something like that have to happen?”

“It was an accident,” I replied, not knowing what else to say. “What did you do?”

“I submerged her in cold water as fast as I could and then immediately rushed her to the hospital. But it was already too late. Lily was left with those scars that you see, along with others on her back and chest. That was the final straw for Ellen. She never forgave me. I moved out of the house the very next day.”

“But you still saw Lily, didn’t you?” Terri asked. “She knew it wasn’t your fault.”

“Yeah, I saw her, though not as often as I would have liked. Of course, my moving to Europe didn’t help. Still, she spent
summers with me, and I went back to New Orleans at Christmas each year. I always made it a point to tell Lily how much I loved her, and that she could count on me, no matter what. And for a while, we were fairly close. Then came the teenage years and everything completely changed.”

“That’s perfectly normal. All kids go through a transition period when they hit puberty,” I said, remembering my own nobody-will-ever-understand-me years. “Besides, the two of you have another chance to work things out. I imagine that Lily will be living with you now.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Eric replied, sounding more despondent than ever. “The problem is that Ellen died unexpectedly in a car accident, and her parents have insisted on keeping Lily with them until the end of the school year. They felt that uprooting her before then would only cause more trauma.”

“Well, I imagine there are only a few more weeks of school left. Which means that everything’s going to work out just fine,” Terri remarked, doing his best to sound upbeat.

“Not quite. Lily has run away,” Eric revealed.

For a moment, it looked as though he’d literally shrunk inside his clothes, until I realized that his entire body had started to slump.

“She overheard her grandparents discussing a possible upcoming custody battle. They don’t feel it’s proper for a fifteen-year-old girl to live with her gay father. After all, what kind of role model would I be?”

“What a total pile of crap,” Terri impatiently snapped. “That sort of primeval thinking belongs back in the Dark Ages.”

“Maybe so. But Lily was apparently upset enough to pack a few things and take off. She even left a note that now we wouldn’t have to fight over her. I just can’t understand why she hasn’t called me yet.”

“She has a lot to digest at the moment, what with her mother’s death and now this,” I replied, though secretly wondering the same thing.

There were times when I’d also wanted to run away during my teen years, as fast and as far as I could. The truth was, I knew someone who’d done just that.

“Have you called the police?” I asked.

“Of course, right away. You know what they told me? Eight hundred and fifty-thousand children are reported missing each year. Of that number, roughly four hundred, fifty-one thousand of them are runaways. The police have to concentrate on those kids that have been abducted. In other words, I was basically told good luck. I feel as if she’s fallen into a big black hole and it’s up to me to get her out.”

“I’m sure you’ll hear from her soon,” I said consolingly. “When did she leave?”

Eric suddenly looked as though he hadn’t slept in weeks. He propped his head in his hands, and his eyes began to flutter.

“Six weeks ago, and not a word since then. I’ve been racking my brain as to why she wouldn’t phone. The only thing I can figure is that Lily must resent me.”

He probably wasn’t all that far off the mark. She was at the age when girls were more aware of their body image than ever. I glanced at the photo again and could only imagine what Lily had to contend with—the grimaces, hurtful remarks, and taunts. At fifteen, I was fixated on straightening my hair and experimenting with makeup. What must Lily think every time she looked in a mirror?

“Any idea where she could have gone?” Terri inquired, while signaling the waiter for a check.

“Actually, I think she might be right here in San Francisco.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked, surprised at his response.

“Because she didn’t run away on her own. She left with her pimply faced boyfriend, and San Francisco is where he always said he wanted to go.”

“Who is this guy?” I asked, suddenly getting a whole new slant on the situation.

“His name is Randy Edgers. I met him while visiting Lily in New Orleans last year. The kid is a nineteen-year-old high-school dropout who worked in a video store. He’s all right, I suppose,” Eric said, and then made a face. “Who am I kidding? The kid’s a total loser. In fact, that’s the one thing Ellen and I both agreed on, and we told Lily so.”

“It probably made her want to be with him all the more,” I surmised, knowing that’s exactly how I would have felt.

“Terrific. Knowing that makes me feel so much better,” Eric caustically retorted. “I’m sorry, but it kills me to think Lily feels that’s all she’s worth. She deserves a hell of a lot more than that.”

“She’s rebelling, Eric. There’s no greater high in the world at that age. This guy’s probably telling Lily how much he loves and accepts her. The combination is totally irresistible. Then throw in that she most likely sees him as her knight in shining armor at a time when she’s not only grieving but is also confused and afraid. It makes it easier to understand how Lily might choose to pick up and run away.”

Like father, like daughter,
I was almost tempted to say.

“That’s all fine, Rach. But if Eric really thinks they’re here, the thing to do is to check every video store in town. After all, that’s where this kid worked in New Orleans, so he’s probably doing the same thing in San Francisco,” Terri interjected, cutting to the chase.

“That’s what I
have
been doing,” Eric said. “I must have hit every video store in the Bay Area over the past month. I even showed Lily’s picture around, but without any luck. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t find her. She needs a fa
ther now more than ever, and I’m not there for her. All I can do is wonder what might have been, had I done things differently. I never should have left New Orleans in the first place.”

There it was. The nagging regrets that we all learn to live with; the lingering question of “what if” when it comes to decisions that can’t be undone. I pushed down the tears that were beginning to creep up, bringing with them unwanted memories long suppressed.

“That’s why I asked you to come tonight, Rachel. I want you to help me.”

“What can I do?” I asked, my stomach beginning to churn in a noxious mixture of anxiety and dread.

“You know San Francisco and probably have a better idea of where to search for runaways. Besides, you can always say that you’re with law enforcement, and people will listen to you.”

“Sure, as long as they don’t squint too closely at my badge and see Fish and Wildlife written on it.”

“Just spend a day or two going around the city with me, please. That’s all I’m asking.”

I looked at Eric and knew there was no way I could turn him down; no matter how painful opening up an old wound might prove to be.

“Fine. We’ll start tomorrow,” I agreed, my body contracting into a tight knot.

I thought again of the number of runaways, and knew that finding Lily could prove to be as difficult as stumbling upon the elusive Lotis blue butterfly.

Terri convinced Eric to spend the night on his couch, fearing he’d be too tired to drive all the way home. I helped get him upstairs and then retired to my own abode.

“Hey chère. You look wiped out. Just how many drinks did you have tonight?”

Santou had kept his word. He’d remained both lucid and awake—enough so that he was concerned about the amount of alcohol
I’d
consumed. We’d agreed that neither of us would go over a certain limit, after an incident we had while living in Georgia.

“I only had one glass of wine. It was just a strange evening, is all.”

“How so?” he asked, sitting on the edge of the bathtub as I washed up for bed.

“It seems Eric had been married at one time and has a child.”

I glanced at Santou, certain that this was information he already knew.

“Anyway, his former wife recently died in a car crash. Lily, his daughter, was supposed to stay with her grandparents until the end of school and then move in with her dad. At least, that was the plan. Then talk of a custody battle began. Now Lily’s run away and Eric has asked for my help. He thinks she might be somewhere here in San Francisco.”

“This is a police matter, Rachel. You know that.”

“Sure. We’re also both aware of exactly what that means. Her name will end up collecting dust in a file along with hundreds of thousands of others.”

“So, what does he think you’re going to be able to do?”

“I don’t really know. My guess is he needs moral support more than anything else. Eric wants me to spend a couple of days going to different neighborhoods with him. He’d like us to talk to as many people as possible, and show her picture around. I agreed.”

Santou stood up and kissed me on the back of the neck. “That’s because you’re a good person, and one hell of a soft touch.”

My throat constricted so much that I didn’t dare speak any further. It was only as I slid into bed and turned off the light
that I felt safe enough to allow a small tear to spill from the corner of my eye.

Big mistake. It opened up a floodgate. Sobs raced in, grabbing hold of my body and taking it on an emotional carnival ride.

“Rachel, what’s the matter?” Santou asked in alarm, flicking on the light.

“Turn it off!” I cried out, not yet ready to see or be seen by the world.

Santou doused the light. Then wrapping me in his arms, he rocked me back and forth in the darkness. He waited until my sobs died down and gently kissed my forehead.

“Now tell me what’s wrong, chère.”

I had no other choice—not unless I wanted him to believe that I was a total madwoman. Still, it was difficult to divulge a matter about which I’d remained silent for so long. It had been years since I’d told anyone. Mainly because there’d always been too many questions, few of which I wanted to answer.

“I had a sister that left home years ago.”

“What?” Santou exclaimed, pulling me with him as he sat up in bed. “When was this?”

“Shortly after my father died. Rebecca was sixteen years old at the time, and I was ten.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about it before?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I lied, and immediately burst into tears again.

Santou grabbed some tissues, and I wadded them up and blew my nose.

“That’s not true,” I admitted. “It’s because I always felt too guilty to talk about it.”

“Why should you feel guilty, chère? I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

“In a way, it was. I could have tried to stop her. Only I didn’t,” I confessed aloud for the very first time. “Rebecca
told me that she planned to run away and made me promise not to tell anyone. It seemed like such an exciting game back then that I kept her secret. I’ll never forgive myself for not having warned my mother.”

Whoever said confession was good for the soul had no idea what they were talking about. I still felt like crap.

“Did you ever hear from her again?”