Authors: Dianne Harman
He looked at the others in the room. "Jill, what are your thoughts?"
Jill started to sob. Tears ran down her face as she answered Sean. "I can't go back to the way I felt after Rick died. I didn't want to live anymore and I almost committed suicide. I just can't do it. I have a second chance at happiness with a man I love and I'm not willing to give that up. I may hate myself for doing what I'm going to do, but I need the drug. If that makes me weak, so be it." Her voice caught as she said, "I'm not willing to go without the drug."
"For God's sake, Jill, how can you be so selfish? What about all the others who will become addicted? Do you think you have the right to sacrifice other people so you can be happy?" Sam asked.
Jill was becoming hysterical. "I won't go back to the way I was before. I won't."
Sean walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder. His touch was comforting and she began to calm down. As a priest and therapist, Sean was very familiar with the frailties of the human soul. He knew Jill seriously wished she could do without the drug, but like most people, she would do anything to avoid the mental anguish she had suffered after her husband died. Sean also knew that whoever gave up the drug was going to be hurting.
Jorge was the next to speak. "Luisa and I talked most of the night. We both wish we were strong enough not to take the drug, but we're going to continue with it. We may be making excuses, but Luisa feels that our baby became very sick because she was withdrawing from the drug, was tense, and passed it on to the baby. We tried for so many years to have children and now that we have a child, Luisa is committed to doing whatever she has to do in order to insure that our baby is healthy and happy and that he has a calm, peaceful mother.
"As for me, I cannot go into the Amazon going through withdrawals. I don't talk much about it, but it is a very dangerous place. I only told Luisa last night just how dangerous it is. If I am not fully focused on my safety, there is a good chance I will be killed. If I were to go through a withdrawal phase, that would only increase my chances of having a fatal incident. I must be aware of everything I see or hear and I have to make extensive use of my sixth sense, knowing when something is wrong or off or when I may be in danger. To be killed in the jungle because I'm going through a drug withdrawal would not be fair to my family or to my employees who depend on me for their very existence. I'm sorry, but like Jill, Luisa and I will be buying the drug.
"Sam, I see how angry you are and I understand. I'm sorry. And Sean, is this madman committing outrageous acts on unsuspecting people? Yes, I agree with you; he is. Again, I'm sorry if we've disappointed you, but Luisa and I have made our decision."
Sean turned to Doug. "And you, Doug. What is your decision?"
"I've decided to take the drug. My life has turned completely around since I started taking it and if I stop, I stand to lose everything: my job, the woman I love, and most of all, my self-respect. Sean, yesterday I told you I decided to come back to the Blue Coyote after some sales calls in Las Vegas. That part was true. What I didn't tell you was that I lost over $1,000 gambling in a casino sports bar, drank myself into oblivion trying to feel better, and capped it off by spending some expensive and unmemorable time with a prostitute.
“I hate myself for what I've done and I am determined not to do it again. If that involves me taking the drug so I never return to being the man who did those things, I will. I'm sorry for others who may become addicted, but who knows, maybe they'll be able to turn their lives around like I have. And what if there were no more wars? What if there was peace in the world? Would that be such a bad thing?"
Sam looked at him, aghast. "You can't mean what you're saying, Doug. This is wrong on every level and much larger than you are. I'm pleading with you. Don't do this, I beg of you."
"I'm sorry," Doug said. "I hope that you can forgive me and Jill, as well as Luisa and Jorge. Maybe we're just not as strong as you and Sean. Speaking for them as well as for myself, I ask that you not go to the authorities. The police will want to interview us and even though we are innocent, our names will no doubt be disclosed in the press. People will think that we are common criminals and drug users like you see hanging out on a street corner in the worst part of town. That's not fair, given the fact that initially we didn't even know we were being given the drug."
Although Sam was obviously furious, he knew there was no point in arguing further with them. If he went to the authorities, these people's lives would be ruined. If he didn't go, there was a chance that more lives would be ruined. There was nothing more he could do. It was time to leave. It was apparent to him that he couldn't convince the others they were making a horrible decision. As he stormed out of Sean’s room, he asked Sean for his business card and told him he would stay in touch, so the two of them might be able to help one another when they started withdrawing from the drug.
No one was happy as they filed out of Sean's room. Each one of them had his or her reason for their decision. Sean also knew that no one could make the decision for someone else. He knew how painful life could be and if they chose to avoid that pain by taking the drug, who was he to judge? He knew Jeffrey was on the edge of complete insanity and that sooner, rather than later, he probably wouldn't be able to even make the drug. He wasn't as worried about Jeffrey's manic desire to save the world from war and chaos as he was about the people who may have unwittingly become addicted to Freedom after staying at the Blue Coyote. Nothing more could be done here. It was time to go home. With hardly a word to one another, the five of them walked down the stairs and knocked on the lab door.
Jeffrey was already in the lab and opened the door for them, saying, "Good morning. Some of you may be in a hurry to check out of the motel, so let's get started." He was so certain that each of them would want a supply of the pills that he began directing them as to where they should put their payments. Jeffrey had even prepared envelopes with the motel's mailing address on it in case they had to send their payment to him by mail. He didn't seem to notice that Sam was not part of the group.
"Wait a minute," Sean said. "I've decided not to take the drug. I'm going to gut this out. I've seen too many people with addictions to subject myself to this. I've had enough problems in the past." He said good-bye to everyone, wished them well, and made his way up the stairs.
The others quickly took the white vials, putting their payments in the small dish Jeffrey had set out for that purpose. Doug asked Jeffrey if he could send him a check when he returned home. Jeffrey knew Doug needed the drug and agreed to let him take the pills, knowing that the check would soon arrive in the mail.
The guests all returned to their rooms. Although Sean had already departed, before he left he had placed one of his business cards under the door of their rooms. On each card was written, "If you feel that you need to call me, don't hesitate. Months or years from now you may want to talk to me and I'll be happy to hear from you. Good luck!"
Sean drove to Phoenix, buoyed by the fact that Sam had turned down the drug too. He knew as time went by he would probably hear from each one of them. The drugs might mask whatever else was going on in their personal lives, but eventually they, too, would fail and each person would have to face his worst fears. Sean vowed to be there when they called.
CHAPTER 34
Sean returned to Denver feeling good. He knew that in a few months the feeling would wear off, but for now, he had to admit, it felt good. He couldn't wait to get home and tell Jeanne everything that had happened over the weekend. She was adamantly opposed to drugs and he knew she would strongly support his decision not to take the drug.
He was glad to get back to the clinic and his life. Soon, the events of the Memorial Day weekend became a distant memory. Sean and Jeanne bought a cabin in the mountains near Cripple Creek and Friday afternoons found them on the road, ready for a weekend of birding. The highway was always busy and it seemed as if everyone in Denver drove to the mountains on Friday and returned on Sunday evening. Jeanne and Sean shared the driving and each of them looked forward to their weekends in the mountains.
The birding was fabulous. He loved his new life. Sean and Jeanne were equally comfortable in the clinic and in the mountains. The clinic received a large grant from the federal government, allowing it to expand. It was gaining a reputation as the best clinic of its kind in the Western states. Many a day found Sean giving tours to visiting psychotherapists, politicians, and anyone else who had an interest in what the clinic was doing. He was a much sought after speaker, charismatic and knowledgeable. He soon found himself traveling all over the United States, representing the clinic and sharing its success with others.
Occasionally, he wondered about the guests at the Blue Coyote Motel and how they were. He thought they were all doing well since they were still feeling good, as he was. He expected to hear from Sam and knew it would be good for them to check on each other as the drug began its gradual withdrawal from their systems.
One Thursday night several months after the Memorial Day weekend at the Blue Coyote Motel, Sean went into his office and saw the message light on his phone blinking. He played the message.
"Sean, it's Sam Begay. You may remember me from the Memorial Day weekend a few months ago at the Blue Coyote Motel. When you have time, please call me at this number. It's my cell phone and I have it with me all the time. I don't know about you, but the good feelings are starting to leave. I'd like to talk to you."
Sean knew exactly what Sam was feeling because he was going through a similar loss. He was fortunate to have Jeanne to talk to, his own live-in therapist.
He dialed the number. Sam answered on the first ring. “Hello, this is Sam Begay."
"Sam, it's Sean. I'm glad you called and I think I know why. If you're anything like me, you're probably coming down from the drug Jeffrey gave us. Am I right?"
"Sean, thanks for returning my call so quickly. Yes, I am coming down and it's not pleasant. I can feel the old anger returning and I find myself short-tempered with everyone. I still refuse to buy the pills and take them, but I'm not enjoying this."
"Sam, I've spent some time thinking what we could do to help each other. I know alcohol has often been abused by tribal members. As a doctor, you're probably familiar with AA and how it brings together people who share the same problems.”
“Yes. It was started by a doctor and a friend of his who had no success in trying to quit their addiction to alcohol. What worked for them was being able to help each other stay away from alcohol.”
“I think we should do the same,” said Sean. “I have Skype and if you don't have it, you can easily get it. If you're not familiar with it, it's a camera that works through a computer so you can see the person you're talking to. We could agree on a time, say once a week, when we would meet and talk using Skype. We could discuss what's bothering us. It's not the magic pill we could have gotten from Jeffrey at the Blue Coyote, but if it worked for Dr. Bill and Bob, the founders of AA, and a lot of others, there's a good chance it will work for us. Want to try it?"
"Yes," Sam replied. "I like the idea. So when do we start? I can adjust my schedule to fit yours. It would be a lot easier for me to have the pill and the happy feeling the drug brought, but it's time for me to deal with the devils that haunt me once and for all."
They agreed on Wednesday evenings at 9:00 p.m. because both of them would have finished with their patients and they wouldn't feel rushed. Sean went downstairs to tell Jeanne what had happened.
When he told her about his conversation she said, "Sean, I think that's a wonderful solution. I am more than happy to listen to you, but it's far more effective to talk with someone who is in the same situation. That's one reason why AA has been so successful. It's hard for me to completely understand what you're going through because I haven't been there. From what you've told me of Sam, he seems like a good man and I think it's great you're both doing this. I'll make sure to keep Wednesdays clear."
She walked up to him, putting her arms around him. "I love you so much. This will work. I know it."
CHAPTER 35
The last five months had gone by quickly for Luisa. Carlos was nine months old, putting anything and everything in his mouth. He was an adorable, inquisitive, and very happy child. Carlos' colic had cleared up soon after Luisa returned from the Memorial Day weekend. She was far more relaxed and Carlos' improved health reflected the changes in her.
Jorge had adjusted to his trips to and from Brazil. While he didn't like being away from Luisa and Carlos, his time in Brazil had been productive. Under Jorge's watchful eye, Ortega & Ortega had been able to gain the respect of the indigenous people as well as the environmentalists. Although they were removing a valuable natural resource from the land, they were doing it in a manner that was respectful of the environment, something no other gold mine owner in Brazil had ever done. They still had problems with lawlessness, but that was to be expected anytime there were huge amounts of money at stake.
The memory of the Memorial Day weekend at the Blue Coyote was simply that, a memory. It only became real when Luisa opened the drawer where she kept her cosmetics and saw the two white pill bottles at the rear of the drawer. She and Jorge had spoken often about when they would start taking the pills and both knew the time was coming. They could feel that the "pick-me-up" they had received over that weekend was wearing off. She was beginning to feel nervous and anxious once again. For his part, Jorge was beginning to dread the Brazilian trips. They decided to take a pill on a Saturday in late October. It seemed to work just as Jeffrey had said it would and within hours they both felt much better. The anxiety and restless anger they both had been experiencing was soon gone. Life looked good again.