Authors: Jessica Marx
I
work
through the weekend and spend my free time sleeping. Every time I speak to Ryan, I want to tell him, but I can’t. Things are going well between us, and this long-distance relationship we’ve formed seems to be working out. We’re both looking forward to my trip to California, which is just over a week away. I can’t wait to see him, and he’s excited to show me around and introduce me to everyone he’s met. I really hope he takes the news of my pregnancy as well as I expect him to.
Tara comes with me to my doctor’s appointment. The staff there is super friendly and happy about pregnancy and babies, which is a good thing, considering it’s their job. They are warm and welcoming and make me feel good about my situation even more by not judging me. I’m single and here with a friend, which doesn’t seem so much like the norm around here.
The doctor is pleasant. She does an ultrasound and informs me that I’m just about seven weeks along. Tara and I are both enchanted by the sound of the heartbeat; this is so new to both of us. I’m still filled with a lot of fear and doubt, but hearing the heartbeat and knowing there is really a little life growing inside me makes me think it will all be worth it.
I wish my mother was here to share in the joy I’m now feeling. I think once she gets over the surprise of it all, she’ll be delighted to know she’s going to be a grandma. I hope my stepfather will get on board with the rest of us and share in the happiness, but it may take him a while. I’m anxious to tell Ryan. It’s too bad I don’t have a recording of this to show him.
I make my next appointment before I leave. Tara and I go to the diner after to have some lunch and talk. She is thrilled and already calling herself “auntie.” I wish she could be there when I tell Ryan. Tara is much more emotional than me in general, and her feelings about this baby are contagious. I’m actually thinking of taking her with me when it’s time to tell my parents, but I don’t think they would appreciate her knowing before them.
We finish our lunch and I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t have to work today, so I run a couple of errands on my way back to the apartment. I plan on staying home and not doing much of anything. Since I’m in an unusually good mood, I call my mother to talk to her. I’ve been so down, and I know she’s worried about me. I’m sure she will appreciate hearing me in good spirits, and she does.
We talk for a while and I let her know I’m working a lot before I leave for California so I probably won’t see her. I could really take the time to visit, but I don’t want to see her or my stepfather until I’m ready to tell them the news. I hate lying to them.
I breeze through the rest of the week; working and sleeping and getting ready for my trip. Ryan sends me texts throughout each day, making me smile. He’s eager to see me and says he has a surprise—little does he know, I have a bigger one in store for him.
I
’m packed
and ready to go. I didn’t get any sleep last night because I’m so filled with emotion. I’m so excited to see Ryan—it’s been so long. We barely had any time together after we declared our love, and I long to be with him. I’m also terrified to tell him I’m pregnant. I haven’t figured out how to work that into a conversation yet. I’m counting on my instincts being right and him being happy about it. I’m hoping for the best.
I call my parents on the way to the airport to let them know I’m leaving and say goodbye. Then I send Tara a text and she wishes me luck. I also text Ryan and let him know I’m getting closer. He sends me back some smiley face and heart emojis. The driver helps me unload my suitcase and I get my luggage checked in. I have some time to kill so after I get through security I walk around to pick up snacks and something to read.
I’m thumbing through some magazines and a photo catches my eye. I stop cold and as I read the blurb I feel the color drain from my face. My body goes numb and I stand there frozen with my gaze locked on the page. I’m staring at a full page photo of Ryan and Calista James, one of Hollywood’s hottest actresses, and Ryan’s costar in the movie. They’re standing outside what looks like a restaurant and she is snuggled up against him. The article says they’ve been seen “canoodling” around town together and we should “look out for this hot new couple.”
Tears start running down my cheeks. I feel sick to my stomach, much sicker than I have felt in a long time. I make a move to leave the shop and the clerk stops me because I’m still holding the magazine and a bag of chips I haven’t paid for. Annoyed, I go to the counter and pay for the magazine. I can’t leave it there, I need to keep it so I have proof—proof of what a fool I am. Evidence of how stupid I have been thinking Ryan was going to wait for me. A reminder for the future when I’m raising a child alone while it’s father is canoodling his way through Hollywood’s newest and hottest girls of the month.
I don’t know who the bigger asshole is, me or Ryan. He’s been stringing me along, lying to me, making me feel like I’m the only woman in his life—
telling
me I’m the only girl he needs. I’m such and idiot for believing him. I should have realized that once he left New York and his friends to start living his new life as a movie star, he would change, just like he was afraid he would. What a dick. Here I am, pregnant and on my way to fly across the country to see him, and he’s been playing me for weeks.
I walk back through the terminal to where I checked in and let the attendant know I won’t be able to get on my flight due to an “emergency.” They will do what they can, but most likely, I will have to wait for my bag to be shipped back to New York once it gets to California, or something like that. I’m barely listening and I don’t really care right now. I walk back out into the cold and hail a cab. I’m still crying, but I’m also fuming with anger. I’m mad at Ryan, and even madder at myself. I let my guard down, I let him in, I was convinced what we had was real, but all of it was a joke.
I hail a cab back to Manhattan and seethe in the back seat the whole way home. The more I think about it, the more furious I become. I’m glad I never told Ryan I was pregnant. I have no clue what would have happened if I did. He might have strung me along the same way to make me feel better or to be a “man” about it, but nothing would have changed. I wouldn’t want it to anyway. I wouldn’t need him to be with me because we are having a baby if he isn’t in love with me. Fuck him. What a dick.
I storm up the stairs to my apartment and pace around. My anger begins to combine with sadness again as I think of everything I had planned for us. I had visions of our future together with this child and they were beautiful. Now, he won’t be a part of that picture—ever. Not after this. I’m going to be raising a child, alone, because I was naive enough to believe Ryan would be my knight in shining armor. I thought he would be my happily ever after, but this ending is a nightmare.
Ryan has always been honest and open. I never had reason to doubt anything he said; I trusted him. I’m glad my acting career is coming to an end before it begins. If Hollywood can change someone like Ryan, I wouldn’t stand a chance.
I curl up on the couch and cry some more. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Ryan has no idea I’m not on the plane and no one else knows I’m still here. I could call Tara but I don’t want to, not yet. I want to be sad, I want to get mad, I want to scream. I spend the entire day in my apartment on an emotional roller coaster.
My phone rings in the evening. It’s Ryan, and there is no way I’m answering. He leaves a voicemail and I don’t bother listening, I know he’s looking for me. It’s a little later than my arrival time, so I’m sure he’s wondering why I didn’t get off the plane. He sends a text next asking where I am. I don’t bother answering that, either. I have nothing nice to say, and I’m too upset to talk. He’s been playing me long enough, he can have a taste of his own medicine.
A dozen texts and calls, and about two hours later, I give in. I reply to his texts with one response, a photo of the magazine page. I don’t comment, I don’t engage him, just the picture. Then I turn off my phone.
When it starts to get late, I force myself to go to sleep. I have nothing to do for the next two weeks, but I sure can’t spend my time like this. I’ll have to think of something. I’ll also have to make new plans for my immediate future. I’m not showing yet, but I will be soon. I’m going to have to tell people something, and I prefer it not be the truth. I don’t need everyone knowing how foolish I am. I need a new plan.
I
turn
my phone back on the following afternoon to make a call to work and there are a ridiculous amount of texts and calls from Ryan. I scroll through but I already knew what they would say: it’s not true, we’re not together, blah, blah, blah. They look way too cozy in that photo for two friends. I put the magazine away for now so I can stop torturing myself by continuing to look at it. For a moment I feel bad that I’m making Ryan suffer like this, but I don’t let myself. I’m here, pregnant and alone. I should not be feeling bad for his stupid mistake.
I call my manager and leave a message that I’m still in town, in case there are any shifts I can pick up. I text my mom that I’m still in New York. I lie and say Ryan had a change of plans and is going to be shooting somewhere else, so I’m going to go to California a different time. I don’t know how I’m going to explain that one, which is why I sent it in a text. I start to call Tara and then stop myself. I will have to tell her what happened, I’ll call her later. I’m not in the mood to retell the story just yet.
Before it gets late, I go to the grocery store and get a few things. I don’t have much, since I wasn’t planning on being here for a while, and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Ryan has continued to text and call me, about every hour or so, but I have no interest in talking to him. I get the things I need, pick up a few movies to watch, and head back home.
I heat up some dinner and watch a movie. It works as a temporary distraction, and it’s nice to have my mind on something else, for a change. A drink would be nice right about now, but that’s not happening. Tara calls when I’m about halfway through, but I don’t answer. I’m taking the night off from my own drama. I must fall asleep on the couch just before the movie ends and slip into a much needed deep sleep. I wake in the morning to the sound of the door buzzer.
Tara is here. Under normal circumstances she would not stop by unexpectedly, but then again, she may have called or texted me again while I was sleeping. I stretch and get off the couch to let her in. I try to fix myself a bit—even without looking in a mirror I know I must look like a hot mess. I guess it doesn’t matter. She’s seen me look worse.
I open the door to let Tara in. She takes a look at me, then takes a look at the mess on my coffee table from dinner last night, and the blanket on the couch before walking all the way in.
“What the fuck is going on?” she asks without saying hello. Her tone is more concerned than nasty.
“What do you mean?” I ask stupidly—obviously there is something wrong. I’m here and not in California.
“Seriously?” she replies. “Why didn’t you tell me you were here? I thought you were gallivanting around town with Ryan—in California. He called me going out of his mind and I didn’t even know you were here. You have us worried sick.”
“I’m sorry you were worried about me, but Ryan knows perfectly well why I decided not to get on that plane. You didn’t tell him, did you? About me?” I put my hands on my belly in a protective gesture.
“No. No, I didn’t tell him anything,” Tara explains in a soft voice. “Eve, he’s really upset. He had a surprise for you and everything.”
“Yeah, I know. I got it. Luckily I didn’t travel across the country for it,” I answer bitterly, pulling out the magazine and showing Tara the page that is now literally stained with my tears.
She looks at it for a moment before speaking. “Ryan told me about the photo Eve. He said it was a publicity stunt for the movie to create some buzz. The paparazzi love Calista James, and shooting her with her costar
allegedly
as a new couple gets the people interested. You know how these rag mags work.”
“Why are you taking his side now, Tara?” I ask coldly.
“I’m not,” she says. “I—we—know Ryan. He’s not like that, Eve. He’s an honest guy, and from what he told me, and hearing how upset he is, I believe him.”
“Well, that makes one of us. I don’t believe shit,” I say, sitting down. “He told me he was scared ‘the life’ would change him, and I think it did. Being photographed is one thing. Holding each other like that is another. They don’t look like they’re posing, they look like they got caught.”
“Eve, I am not taking sides. I obviously know your situation, but I’ve also heard his. I trust that Ryan loves you. I know this picture does not represent any reality,” Tara says cautiously, pointing to the photo. “I understand you’re upset, but you should talk to Ryan. You guys are meant to be together—we all know it. You owe it to yourself, and if not for you, do it for your baby. Ryan is the father, and if for no other reason, you should hear him out for that.”
“I don’t even know if I’m going to tell him about it anymore, Tara,” I reply bitterly. “He seems to have moved on, and I don’t need to look desperate trying to get him back. I’ll work it out on my own,” I finish sounding more determined than I feel.
“You have to tell him, Eve,” Tara grits. “Even if you hate him, he’s the father and has a right to know. You are, or were, in love with him. Don’t you think it’s worth hearing him out?”
In my heart I know she’s right, but I’m too upset right now to acknowledge or think about it. I feel like a fool, and I don’t need this child to be a constant reminder of that. I don’t want to think about having Ryan involved in my life forever because of our baby, nor do I want to think of him wanting nothing to do with it.
“I need time to think, Tara. If he doesn’t want to be with me, why should I bother him with it?” I ask.
“He
does
want to be with you, Eve. That’s what you don’t understand. With or without the baby, he loves you. I wish you would just talk to him.”
“I can’t. Not now. Maybe not any time soon. I have my own life to figure out now, and a baby, too. Everything is about to change—
everything.
I didn’t have Ryan before, and if I don’t have him now, I’ll manage.”
“Fine, Eve. But I think you’re making a mistake,” Tara warns. “I love you and I’ll be here for you, but I don’t agree—
at all.”
“You’re either with me, or against me, Tara,” I reply, my eyes full of tears. “I just need time, and I need you to keep this baby a secret long enough for me to decide what the hell I’m going to do.”
“I’m with you, Eve.” Tara smiles gently at me.
We hug, but there is still tension between us. It will dissipate over time, but we both know it’s there. I need Tara right now. She’s the only person in my life that knows the whole truth. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel alone. Maybe I will tell Ryan at some point, but right now, I just don’t know.