Kellie
25
Meena was knocked out as she leaned on my brother Vic's shoulder as we all cuddled up on the sofa together to watch movies. All of us were in our pajamas, and she was the first one to lose her battle to see who could stay up the longest. I'd actually had a great time with her. Vic was skeptical at first since I'd told him about why I was having her over. My brother didn't get along with kids much and probably despised teens even more. But tonight, I think we all had a wonderful time together.
Our talk went well, or I thought so at least. I asked her about what was going on with her, and at first, she was hesitant about speaking with me. I could understand since I was her mom's friend.
“Meena, what you and I discuss will be between us. I'm not going to tell your mother.”
“You're not?” she questioned.
“No, I'm not. I know your mom and I are friends, but I also know you need a friend too. I told you awhile back to look at me as your big sister.”
She smiled as she lowered her head.
“I have wanted to talk to you, but I never did, thinking you would talk to my mom.”
I reached over, placing my index finger on her chin, lifting it for her gaze to meet mine. “Unless what you tell me is detrimental to your health, my lips are sealed.”
From then on, Meena and I talked about everything from what was going on in school, to her friendship with Asha and Shannon. I basically let her vent without trying to pass judgment. If anybody could understand not being able to communicate with their mother, it was me and Vic.
When Meena and I got on the subject of sex, she shocked me when she told me she was no longer a virgin.
“Are you serious right now?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yes, I'm serious.”
“Who?”
“It was with this guy I know,” she divulged.
“Did he use a condom?”
I knew I was throwing many questions out there to her, but I felt like they were important things to know.
“Yes, Kellie.”
“Did you see him put it on?”
“Yes,” she chuckled uneasily.
“Did the condom break?”
“No.”
“So you've had your period and everything?”
“Yes, Kellie. It's okay. I did everything right, including the guy I chose to lose my virginity to. I'm good. I don't have any regrets, so please don't freak out,” she said calmly.
“It's hard not to, sweetie. I'm sitting here trying to figure out when you grew into this beautiful woman.”
I could feel my eyes fill with tears at the thought of Meena growing up and knew why Sonya acted as crazy as she was. She was losing her baby girl.
“Don't do this, Kellie,” Meena said, reaching over and rubbing my leg.
“I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm getting so emotional about this. Seeing how fast you are growing is letting me know time is flying by. Life is on the fast track, and I pray it leads all of us to great things.”
“Me too,” Meena added.
Wiping at my tears, I asked, “Does your mother know?”
Frowning, she said, “No.”
“That was a dumb question,” I chuckled.
“You know how crazy my mom is. Just when I don't think the woman can get any crazier, she shows me she can. Like today at Macys. My mother was ready to catch a charge by beating my ass right there in front of the cop.”
“That's Sonya,” I mumbled with a slight chuckle.
“How does my mother expect me to come to her with anything if she's always going to overreact about everything?”
“Parents don't always know how to act. As many self-help books there are out there, I don't think there is a legit one that can tell a mom how to raise her kids. Just know your mom is doing the best she can, and she loves you.”
“I know, and I love her too, but she's embarrassing.”
“God placed the embarrassment gene in them to humiliate us. It's in the Bible,” I said.
“No, it's not,” Meena countered with a smile.
“Okay, I made that up, but what I do know is you stealing was grounds for your mother acting a damn fool.”
“But Iâ”
“Meena, I know what you're going to say. You are going to say you didn't take anything, right?”
“Yes.”
“Did you give your friend things to take?” I asked.
Dropping her head she said, “Well . . . yes.”
“Then you are guilty of stealing. You knew what you friend was up to, and that's why you are guilty of the same crime. Your mother got mad because she knows you're better than that. I know you are better than that also. You are beautiful. You are smart. You don't need to waste these blessings on nonsense, sweetie.”
When we felt like we'd talked enough, we switched modes and started to have some fun together. I decided it would be cool for Meena to spend the night. She didn't think Sonya would go for it, but lucky for us, she had no problems with it. That's when we decided to make it a movie night. Meena found my brother Vic to be hilarious. He kept her in stitches all evening laughing at his silliness. I know my brother enjoyed someone laughing at his corny jokes. After popping some popcorn and getting stuffed with bowls of ice cream, Meena drifted off to sleep.
“Now that was a good movie, sis,” Vic said as we watched the credits to the movie
The Perfect Guy.
“I know, right? Somebody told me it wasn't that good, but I thought it was great.”
“Evidently, whoever told you that doesn't know a good movie when they see one. I don't know if the drama kept my attention or Morris Chestnut and Michael Ealy. I would give anything to spend a night with either one of them sexy men.”
“There you go. You
do
know both of them are in a committed relationship and neither are gay?”
“So?”
“Vic,” I said looking at him with my head tilted.
“Sis, I got skills. I can turn a straight man my way.”
“I bet you can, but I never thought you were one of those men who ruined relationships.”
“Oh hell. Here you go, all in your feelings.”
“I'm just saying.”
“Kell, I'm joking.”
I scrunched my lips up at him like I didn't believe him.
“Okay, I wasn't, but . . .” he said holding up a finger, “I'm not a person who likes to ruin relationships. I know how it feels, and I would never want to put that type of pain on someone else.”
I smiled at my brother as I looked at Meena who still hadn't budged from his shoulder. With all his movement, I was surprised she hadn't woken up. She was really knocked out. Vic glanced at her too and smiled.
“Homegirl is slobbing and everything. I better get her up before my entire right side gets soaked.”
I giggled as I watched my brother gently try to wake Meena. This girl was a hard cookie to get up.
“Sweetie . . . Come on. Let's go to bed,” Vic said, sitting her up. Meena still had her eyes closed as she frowned from us disturbing her. Vic stood and Meena took this as her opportunity to lie down where he was sitting.
“Meena, sweetie, come on. Let me take you to your room,” Vic said, pulling on her. Meena sat up wiping her eyes over and over again like she had allergies. Vic took her free hand and pulled her up from the sofa. He looped her arm through his and patted her hand as he led her to the spare bedroom. I followed and watched Vic pull back the covers for Meena to climb in.
“Thank you, Vic,” she murmured.
My brother beamed like a proud stepbrother and tiptoed out of the room with me.
“I just love that girl,” Vic said. “And I don't get along with kids.”
“It seems Meena loves you too, and she doesn't get along with adults.”
We both burst into laughter as we returned to the living room to get comfortable on the couch again.
“Sis, it's close to two in the morning. If you expect me to go to church with you and the girls tomorrow, then a brother needs to get his beauty rest.”
I'd completely forgot about telling Monica we would go to church with her in the morning. She called and asked, and I said yes, figuring I needed to go. But now that I thought about it, I wished I didn't make that commitment to her because I would rather sleep in.
“Now we've watched a horror movie, a comedy, and then a thriller. So we're good.”
“I'm not sleepy though,” I admitted.
“And what does that mean? Is that sister code for stay up with me until I get sleepy?”
I tried to give him an angelic expression, hoping he would, but my brother quickly shot me down.
“Girl, there go, using your endearing face. You know it doesn't work all the time.”
“I know it's working now.”
“What else is there to do? We have talked, watched damn near six hours of movies, ate all the damn snacks. It's time to go to bed.”
“We can talk about taking a trip to Mommy's house.”
“Oh, hell nawh.”
“Vicâ”
“Kell, I'm not going to see that woman.”
“She's your mother.”
“She hasn't played the role of one in years, not to me anyway. The woman can teach Sunday school and mentor the little children, but she ostracizes her own son. Christians don't suppose to do that.”
My brother was getting very emotional, and I wished I hadn't brought up the idea. Seeing him this upset made me feel bad for him. At least I got to speak with her. She wouldn't talk to Vic, all because of the gender he chose to love. I knew now his relationship with our mother was a bigger undertaking than I thought. He'd done nothing wrong in my eyes. It was our mother who was the one wrong here.
“Can't you try one more time? You can be bigger than her.”
“Why? So she can shoot me down again? For her to tell me how I'm going to hell or look past me like I'm not even in the room? Kell, that's hurtful. It's destroyed me inside. I don't talk about it, because I'm mad at myself for allowing her to make me feel so guilty about the choices I've made. I've questioned myself every single day. Hell, I've questioned God why I'm the way I am. I can't help who I choose to fall in love with, and I'm tired feeling like I have to constantly explain the fact I'm an African American gay man. Everybody knows that's the worst person to beâever.”
“That's not true,” I said.
“But it is, Kell. Black society understands men who cheat, women who cheat, heterosexual relationships, abuse, lying, stealing, robbing, using drugs, prostitution, and so many more things, but accepting and trying to understand the fact a black man is gayâ”
“Vic, you know we don't accept all of those things,” I tried to explain.
“I was being condescending. You know damn well what I mean.”
“I do,” I conceded.
“I just want to be acknowledged for the man I am.”
“I love you,” I consoled.
My brother smiled hopelessly as he said, “I love you too.”
Vic and I had this conversation many times, but I'd never seen him this emotional about it. Seeing how hurt he was pained me. I could not imagine how he was feeling with Mom disowning him. Honestly, if I was in his shoes, I'm not sure if I would handle the situation any differently. I guess the little girl in me missed the times when we were a family. I figured I would go to the person who was less stubborn to try to fix this. But now I wasn't sure if I wanted to expose my brother to being shunned again.
“I didn't mean to upset you,” I said sincerely, reaching over to my brother and grabbing his hand.
“It's never you. It's the situation. Kell, I think about this all the time, wondering if I can go straight for the sake of my relationship with Mom,” he confessed. “But I know I wouldn't be living in my truth. I would be living for Mom and the world, and how is that fair to me?”
“It's not. You need to walk in your truth. I'm not going to push this issue anymore. It's not up to you to try make this work when it wasn't you who walked away from the relationship,” I accepted.
“Don't get me wrong, I really do want to see Mom. A part of me just wants to lay eyes on her if only one more time because I know tomorrow is not promised. I've actually had nightmares about never seeing her again, thinking I could have sucked it up and went to see her. So maybe this is God's way of telling me it's time.”
“I don't want you to think I pushed you into this, Vic.”
“Please, Kell. You know you can't push me into anything I don't want to do. I know in my heart I need to go see Mom even if the visit doesn't go the way I would like it to go.”
“So, are you saying we are taking a trip?” I asked.
Before Vic could answer the question, there was a knock at the door. Both Vic and I just gawked at each other.
“I know ain't nobody knocking at my door after two in the morning,” I said in confusion.
“You know it's for you because no one knows I'm here.”
“Who could it be?” I said, standing to my feet. I can't lie, I was a bit nervous. No one ever knocked or called me this time of the morning unless something was wrong. I was glad my brother was here because I don't know if I would even check to see who was on the other side of my door otherwise.
“There's only one person I can think of,” Vic said, standing with me, and he instantly got an attitude.
Swinging the door opened, I spewed, “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hunty. Slow your roll. I come in peace.”