She tossed the towel in a laundry basket and set about drying her hair. If only he hadn't come early. She needed to finish getting ready and find Sierra. Before Sierra found him.
Five minutes later, she was dressed and on her way to find Sierra when her daughter stepped out of her room and stared down through the entryway toward Aaron. She made a face and looked at Jamie. “What's he doing here?”
“Sierra!” Jamie held a finger to her lips and closed the distance between them. “He's coming with us.”
“To Chelsea Piers?” Her voice was loud and whiny; Aaron was bound to hear her. “I thought it was just me and you, Mommy.”
“Look.” Jamie took her daughter by the hand and led her back into her bedroom. “I'm sorry; I should've told you he was coming. But don't be rude, Sierra. That isn't like you.”
She knit her blonde eyebrows together. “But why's he have to come? I wanted it to be just us. You and me.”
“Mr. Hisel wants to be our friend; sometimes Mommy needs a friend, okay?” Jamie straightened herself and made an attempt to fix her hair. “Try to understand, okay, honey?”
Sierra's shoulders drooped a notch. “Okay.”
They headed down the stairs together. Jamie had to remind herself to smile so Aaron wouldn't think anything was wrong. The plan was for a round of miniature golf followed by an hour in the pool. Jamie had hinted that she might swim too. But with Aaron along, she had no intention of getting into a bathing suit.
Aaron smiled at her, a smile that told her he was in no hurry. Not that morning for their outing, and not when it came to his interest in her. Jamie felt herself relax. There was no need to feel strange and awkward. This was Aaron Hisel, the man she'd counted on and shared her deepest sorrows with. Certainly they could share a day at Chelsea Piers together without her feeling all tied up in knots.
He crossed the old wooden floor and came up to Sierra. “Looks like we've got us a fun day ahead, huh?”
“Yes, sir.” Sierra shot Jamie a look, but at least she remembered to keep both her expression and her tone pleasant.
They headed for Jamie's van, and when Aaron climbed into the front seat, Sierra hesitated and looked at Jamie. No words were needed; Jamie could read her daughter's thoughts perfectly.
Small talk filled the ride, and Sierra remained silent. It wasn't until they were finished golfing and Sierra was in the pool that Aaron finally turned to Jamie and frowned. “She doesn't like me, does she?”
Jamie tried to look surprised. “Who? Sierra?” She forced a chuckle. “She's a seven-year-old, Aaron. She imagined our trip one way, and when it wasn't how she pictured it, she got an attitude. It has nothing to do with you.”
Aaron put his hand on her knee. “Come on, Jamie, it's okay. I'm not Jake and I never will be. I won't ever try to take his place. I can understand if Sierra feels funny having me around.”
Having him around? Jamie felt her head start to spin. He was talking like they'd already made a commitment to each other. She was probably supposed to be reassured by the fact that he didn't want to replace Jake, but what exactly did that mean? That if by some turn of events they wound up together, he wouldn't try to be a father to Sierra? That he'd treat her with kindness and civility but never the passionate love of a daddy?
It was too much for Jamie. She glanced at her knee and felt her breath catch in her throat. It was one thing for them to be together when they worked at St. Paul's or when they ate together at Battery Park. But here? With Sierra swimming nearby?
She stood up and collected her purse. “Want something to drink?”
Aaron lowered his brow. “Weren't we talking?”
“Yes, but …” She massaged her throat. “The chlorine in here. I'm dying of thirst.”
“Okay.” He made a sound that was almost a chuckle. “Get me a Coke, if you don't mind.”
Jamie felt anger bubble its way through her veins as she walked away. She
did
mind, in fact. She minded that she wasn't in the pool with her daughter, and that Aaron wanted a relationship with her. And most of all she minded that Jake had died in the first place. He should be here now, splashing and swimming with Sierra, picking the little girl up and tossing her into the water until she couldn't breathe from laughing so hard.
She minded all of it.
After she paid for the drinks, she stepped into an alcove, where she could see Sierra through a long window.
God … what am I doing here with Aaron? I'm not ready for this, I'm not
.
Daughter, be still
.
The holy whispers skimmed across the rough waters of her soul, calming the wind and whitecaps, giving her a moment of peace.
Thank You, God … even now You're here. She leaned against the glass. I'm so confused
.
I'm here. Be still and wait for Me
.
Be still and wait? Jamie took a step back. Where had she heard that before? It was a Scripture, wasn't it? Something Jake had written about in his journal. The journal she'd read a hundred times.
Be still and wait on the Lord
. Yes, that was it. Be still and wait. Being still was something Jamie was never good at. Oh, she'd gotten better. Losing Jake had done that for her.
But times like this, she was glad for God's reminders.
Ever since the fateful lunch with Aaron, she'd been going a hundred miles an hour, running from the future the same way she used to run from God. Be still and wait? It was exactly what she needed to hear, what she needed to do.
She folded her arms against her waist and stared at her shoes. Her heart was still racing, still screaming at her to run or tell Aaron the truth—that she simply couldn't make herself feel something that wasn't there yet.
Calm, Jamie … be calm. God knows what you need
. Bit by bit she felt the waves grow still, felt order restored to her soul. Her heartbeat slowed and she breathed in long and steady. Everything was going to be okay. Somehow the pieces of her future would come together, and the process would be easier if she didn't fight it. If she was still and waited on God.
She'd been gone almost ten minutes, and Aaron was bound to wonder about her. Holding tight to the direction God had given her, she rounded the corner and found a smile. Aaron was watching for her as she walked up.
“Long line?”
Lying would be the easy way out. She shook her head. “Not really.” One of the drinks in her hands was his, and she handed it to him. Then she took the spot beside him on the bleachers and looked for Sierra.
“She's over there.” Aaron pointed to the shallow end where a group of girls Sierra's age were playing a game.
“Thanks.” She glanced at Sierra and saw her stand on the side of the pool, her legs long and skinny. One of the girls in the pool motioned for her to jump, but she looked for Jamie first. Their eyes met, and Jamie waved, just as Sierra did a cannonball into the water and came up laughing.
Jamie set her drink down. “Aaron …”
“Uh-oh.” His smile didn't hide the regret in his voice. “Here it comes. The part where you tell me you've thought it over and you only want to be friends, right?”
She was about to explain herself but he kept on.
“Look, Jamie.” As a fire captain for the FDNY, Aaron had to be one of the toughest leaders in the department. And, from everything Jake had ever said about him, he was. But now his eyes were kinder than she'd ever seen them. “I never meant to pressure you. It's just …” He lifted his hands and let them fall again. “I guess I never would've known if I hadn't said something.”
The awkwardness from earlier that morning seemed ridiculous now. Her sudden fear of him was a slip back to the old Jamie—who was so often motivated by a paralyzing fear. The new Jamie, who believed in God's plan for her life, hadn't had to deal with fear in nearly three years.
Until Aaron told her he had feelings for her.
“You're not saying anything.” Aaron cocked his head. “I can take a lot, Jamie. But I can't take losing your friendship.” He reached for her hand, squeezed it once, and let go. “Okay, say something.”
“I will.” Her heart swelled with feelings—care or concern or friendship. Or something more, Jamie wasn't sure. “You're right, I have thought it over. But I'm not sure I want only a friendship, Aaron. I don't know
what
I want. I feel crazy saying it's too soon.” She allowed a sad laugh. “Three years is a long time, I know that. But in here—” her hand rested on the place above her heart—“I'm not ready to love someone else. At least, I don't think I am.”
Aaron sucked in his cheek and narrowed his eyes. He watched Sierra for a minute, splashing near one of the pool's smaller slides. “So … you haven't completely written off the idea?”
“No.” This time Jamie gave him a sideways hug. The sensation wasn't strange or awkward. In fact, it felt nice. Safe and warm, if not quite electric. She kept her fingers cupped around his shoulder and waited until he looked at her before letting go. “I care a lot about you, Aaron. I love having you there, talking with you—” she gestured toward the pool—“being together on days like this. It feels right, it feels like it could be more serious one day.”
Aaron slid closer to her so that their arms were touching. “That's more than enough for me.” He looked at Sierra again, and the hint of a smile played in his voice.
Now that the awkward feeling was gone, Jamie realized something. She wasn't only enjoying his company, she was enjoying the feel of his body against her arm.
A handful of emotions raced around in Jamie's heart. How terrible she was to enjoy the physical contact of a man who had been Jake's boss, his mentor; how awful that she could ever find another man's company, his presence, enjoyable. And the most dominant emotion—how good she felt, now that they'd talked things out, with him at her side.
She ignored the pangs of guilt and leaned into him for a few seconds. “Thanks for understanding.”
“I know you, Jamie.” He glanced at her and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. Then, just as quickly, he straightened and shot another look at Sierra. “I knew you'd need time. I just wanted you to know how I felt.”
She remembered Sue's warning, that Aaron could never be right for her as long as he didn't share her faith. Never mind his age or the fact that he'd been Jake's boss. If he didn't believe in Christ the way she did, what depth could they ever share together?
This would be the time to say something about it, to ask if he would ever be interested in learning more about God, maybe going to church with her. But somehow the subject didn't seem to fit. Besides, Jake had never pushed her toward God. He'd lived out his faith every day of his life. Maybe it was her turn to do that where Aaron was concerned.
She remembered the holy whispers in her heart a few minutes earlier. God wanted her to be still and wait. Didn't that mean waiting before making faith an issue with Aaron? Besides, she didn't want to upset him, didn't want him to slide back down the bench from her.
“I like this. Sitting with you like this.”
“Me too.” He gave her an understanding smile. “As long as we don't think about getting serious just yet, right?”
“Right.”
In the distance, Sierra climbed out of the pool and grabbed her towel. It was clear by her actions she was about to run toward them—probably needing something to eat or drink. Panic shot through Jamie. It was one thing to sit this way when Sierra wasn't looking, when she was too far away to make out exactly how close Jamie was sitting next to Aaron. But to have her daughter run up and see them … that was more than Jamie was ready for.
She nodded in Sierra's direction. “I think I'll get her a drink. Want anything else?”
“I'm fine.” The look in Aaron's eyes told her he understood, and better still, he was at peace with her actions.
Before she turned and went to meet Sierra, she smiled once more at him. “Thanks, Aaron. I … I feel so much better about things.”
“Me too.”
The awkwardness and angst and even the guilt lifted as Jamie walked away. Her steps were lighter than they'd been in a long time. And throughout lunch, only one thought about Aaron remained.
How kind and understanding he'd been through this new phase in their friendship, and how maybe—one day not too far off—his kindness might open doors to a place she would never before have considered.
E
IGHT
The angry butterflies were back. Sierra was dressed for bed and heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth, but all she could think about was the talk. This was the night she was going to talk to Mommy about the thing Katy said, the thing about their daddies and the helmets.
“Sierra, are you in your nightgown?” Mommy was in her room folding some towels.
“Yes.” Sierra did a gulp.
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“That's what I'm doing right now.”
“Okay, sweetie, I'll be there in a minute to pray with you.” Mommy's voice was happy, the way it sounded ever since the swimming at Chelsea Piers.
Why was she so happy? Was it because of a fun day out with Sierra? Or was it Captain Hisel? Captain Hisel was nice, but Sierra wasn't sure. He wasn't like her daddy at all, and that's another reason why the angry butterflies were in her tummy.