Authors: Linda Leblanc
He boasted of landing at 9300 feet in Quito with no ill effects after being in Nepal and raved about the giant tortoises weighing up to 550 pounds and living 100 years, the iguanas, and hundreds of land and sea birds. “I missed you so much and wanted you with me. I would have taken better care of you.”
“I missed you too,” she murmured with her heart whispering,
Be kind and don’t hurt him
.
Beth spent five days in the hospital, resting and organizing her notes. Before going to Nepal, she had read numerous anthropological studies on the Sherpas but found the works dry and too analytical. She wanted to offer an intimate portrait of their lives that would engage readers. During visiting hours, the Denver world closed in on her, usurping her thoughts and emotions. Eric came every day with pictures of Galapagos and Nepal, saying she could keep the latter to choose which ones best illustrated her work. Friends from the Colorado Mountain Club seemed to come in designated shifts to ask about trekking in Nepal, a goal many of them shared.
When finally alone, Beth placed two pictures side by side: one with her standing on a rock next to Eric and the other with Dorje. Such different emotional realms. In the still of the night with only occasional hushed voices coming from the nurses’ station, Beth nestled her head in the hollow of Dorje’s shoulder, clasped her arm around his neck, and slid her leg snugly between his as they had slept in another hospital bed. Then she quietly escaped into the deep cavern of her loneliness where dreams yearning for his reality echoed off the walls. Was he thinking of her too? When she promised to write, he explained that letters never made it to Namche. So she could only fantasize about the moment they would reunite and hoped those images would pull her through the cold winter of writing.
Beth finished the longest work of her career in early February after spending the holidays with Eric’s family. They were kind and caring people who treated her well. His sister Carolyn and her husband became the siblings she never had. Since her father had never resurfaced, Beth didn’t know whether he was dead or alive and holidays with her mother and the current live-in sugar daddy and lesbian lover were insufferable and generally a designated time for the annual suicide attempt. Having resigned from the post as her mother’s keeper a year ago, Beth was now alone with painful memories of other holidays that even Eric’s loving family couldn’t expunge.
By mid March, the accolades for her work were overwhelming. It was the best she’d ever done and Beth glowed with satisfaction. “It belongs to you too,” she told Eric at dinner the night she received an award. “You’re an amazing photographer. I admire you tremendously.”
“And love me too,” he said smiling but with the faintest inflection at the end—not really a question but a glimmer of doubt.
“But of course,” she gave as her stock answer and added a playful kiss on his cheek. How handsome he looked in his tuxedo and so debonair as he led her onto the dance floor.
“You’re radiant tonight,” he whispered in her ear, “and seem much more present than you’ve been since returning from Nepal.”
“Really?” she said leaning back to look at him. “And how is that?”
“I don’t know. I can’t define it, just something that I feel.”
Moving to the slow dance of lovers, she rested her cheek against his and wondered if she’d been away from Dorje too long. Was it possible to return to the harsh reality of his world after being at home these past months? Or could he feel comfortable here? She imagined him sitting at one of the tables dressed in a tux and trying to converse about politics or religion. Most likely, he’d be miserable and feel out of place. In the Khumbu, he was a high-ranking sirdar who shone brilliantly among the other Sherpas, but would he garner the same respect here sitting among her cohorts? And would she feel the same about him? At times, the whole Everest experience seemed a distant dream now.
Eric’s hand interrupted her thoughts as it moved along her side and brushed the fullness of her breast. She hadn’t rejected his advances since her return but had often feigned the throes of passion. As long as the orgasms shook his whole being and he fell asleep spent and satisfied, the little gnats of doubt and guilt left her in peace. Feeling giddy with success tonight, she appreciated who he was and what he meant to her. When they returned to the table, she slipped her hand under the cloth and along his thigh. He jumped and glanced at her, his mouth agape. “Let’s go home,” she whispered. Thirty seconds later, he was out of his seat and seeking the waiter for the bill. Who cared that the main course had not yet arrived.
Instead of falling asleep immediately afterwards, he turned onto his side and faced her. “We haven’t moved forward with wedding plans except to set a June date and that’s not very far off. My family keeps asking, but I told them you needed to get well first and finish the piece.”
“And now it’s done,” she confirmed and tried snuggling up to escape his gaze, but he kept her at a distance studying her face. How could she say
No
to someone with such love in his eyes and who might be the very man she should or would marry? “Maybe we can look into some places this weekend.”
“I think Carolyn already has,” he admitted. “She wants to show you.”
The next morning, Eric’s sister drove them to a place on top of Lookout Mountain with an incredible view of the city and suburbs. “What do you think?” she asked.
“It’s perfect,” Eric answered and looked to Beth for confirmation.
“Yes, just perfect.”
“Oh, I’m so relieved you like it,” said Carolyn. “But you have to make a deposit today. It’s only available because of a cancellation. I’ve had your name on a long list ever since Eric came back and told us you were engaged.” She threw her arms around Beth and hugged her. “Welcome to the family. We love you.”
“I love you too,” came out so naturally it surprised Beth because she’d never said that to another woman. The relationship with her mother had shrouded most female interactions in distrust.
“If you’re free next week,” Carolyn said walking back to the car, “I could help with the arrangements. You’re running short of time and there’s so much to do.”
Caught up in Carolyn’s enthusiasm and enjoying the sisterly affection, Beth allowed herself to be carried along the next few weeks picking out the wedding gown, a dress for Carolyn as the only maid of honor, the invitations, cake, flowers, a photographer, and caterer. With everything suddenly taken care of and the reality of an impending marriage looming near while part of her heart was still roaming in the Himalayas, Beth panicked and called her editor seeking a momentary reprieve.
“John, what do you have for me?”
“I’ve got a month in the outback of Australia with an Aboriginal tribe but not until June. It’s too freaking hot now.”
Her leg bouncing nervously, she insisted, “I need to go right away.”
“They’re looking for someone to do a story and photograph this tepui in Venezuela.”
“And what in the hell is a tepui?”
“A kind of table-like mesa. Mount Roraima’s the tallest one, about 9200 feet.” Beth slumped forward with her forehead in her hand, picturing Dorje standing at the same elevation in Lukla. “Sure you really want to do this?” John asked.
“Yes,” she answered, fighting back a well of tears. “And as soon as possible.”
“I guess you could go this week but only if Eric is willing.”
“He’ll go.”
“Then see if you can also talk him into taking the Nam job.
“What Nam job?”
“Right now there’s the largest number of troops since the war began. We think something big is about to happen and we want Eric there.”
“He knows about this?”
“Yes and turned us down again. He’s lucky to get this second chance.”
“I’ll speak to him.” After carefully researching Roraima, Beth waited until Eric was in a romantic mood.
“Now? You’ve got to be kidding,” he said.
“But I thought you loved exploring new places together,” she whispered snuggling up to him. “It’s one of the most spectacular mountains in South America and like nothing you’ve ever seen. There are 2,000 plant species found nowhere else in the world and endemic wildlife too” With a crooked smile, Eric leered at her out of the corner of his eye as she continued. “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle imagined prehistoric beasts roaming this fantastic landscape and wrote a book about it. Ever hear of
The Lost World
?”
That stretched his lips into a broad smile. “I’ve always been a sucker for dinosaurs,” he said and rolled her onto her back with her arms pinned over her head. “And beautiful women.”
At breakfast the next morning, Beth brought up Vietnam as promised. “It’s too damn risky right before the wedding,” he answered.
“But it’s what you’ve been dying to do.”
“You’re more important and I’m not going. So drop it. End of discussion.”
She’d never seen him this resolute. It was flattering but drove the guilt gnats into a frenzy. With the wedding sweeping her along like a pile of wind-blown leaves and no more escaping to Venezuela to climb a tepui, she’d have to settle back to earth soon.
Six days later, they reached the base of the stunning, sheer-sided mountain. Vertical walls of bronze sandstone skirted the huge plateau lifting it a mile above the rolling landscape. The next morning, Beth and Eric climbed through an ancient cloud forest inhabited by an abundance of orchids, prehistoric tree ferns, palms, and delicate flowers. On the summit, they crossed a black, craggy surface of naked, slippery rock and explored the quartzite plateau belonging to the oldest geologic formation in the world. Any guilt Beth had about bringing Eric here rapidly disappeared when he started shooting pictures of the endless labyrinth of surreal sandstone sculptured by sun, wind, and rain and blackened by a rock-encrusting lichen that covered every bare surface in all directions. “This is astonishing,” he exclaimed with the biggest grin she’d ever seen on his face.
When a swirling cloud descended with little warning and closed around them, they quickly learned the high summits of tepuis create their own weather. Caught in an electrical storm with heavy winds and pelting rain, they retreated to their tent under a rock-ledge shelter and closed the flaps behind them.
Eric zipped their bags together and crawled in with Beth who was shivering. “Shit, this is almost as bad as Nepal. Come here, Baby, I’ll keep you warm. I don’t know how you survived the cold in that avalanche.”
“Wasn’t easy,” she said, treading water to keep her head above the memories suddenly flooding in.
He opened the dam even wider. “Did you miss me all those cold nights alone?”
Seeing the words floating by, she couldn’t answer without time to line up her emotions and examine them. After skillfully avoided doing so for months, she again took the coward’s way out. “Of course I did.”
Even under the overhang, the temperature dropped as the wind whipped the tent walls. Shivering and listening to their incessant flapping brought back images of lying in Dorje’s arms. Engulfed in hot, choking tears, she could barely breathe. As Eric spoke lovingly of their future and how they could do the Australian job as a third honeymoon, Beth pretended to fall asleep. But her thoughts turned to Dorje, wondering what he was doing during the winter months when few tourists arrived. With no word from her, did he think she’d forgotten him, that he was only a diversion? Perhaps he sought the warmth and comfort of Shanti’s bed again or had even celebrated their
dem-chang
. The thought of making love with him again aroused every cell in her being, but doubts were gnawing at the back of her ever-too-rational mind. When caught up in the romance of the Himalayas, she thought she could stay forever. But this was her life: travel, exploring the far reaches of the world. It’s what brought her here and she couldn’t give that up. The man quietly dozing beside her was a good choice, but Dorje still had a firm grasp on her heart and wouldn’t let go. Rolling over, she buried her face in the pillow to muffle her tears.
Exploring Roraima’s summit the next day, they took a circular route to the junction of Venezuela, Brazil, and Guyana. Thousands of white crystals littered sparkling pools of clear water and lush meadows stood among the stark rock outcroppings. Often shrouded in fog or mist, Beth and Eric spent three days documenting the landscape’s otherworldly feel. Totally fascinated by the enormity of the landscape, Beth was able to keep her feelings about Dorje in check but knew she’d have to confront them soon.
Back in Denver, she hadn’t even unpacked yet when the phone rang. “Hi, I’m ready to go. Wanna come along?” asked a voice that rose and fell in the most peculiar places. She’d heard it before but couldn’t place it.