Read Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us Online
Authors: Micalle A. Culver
Finally, whatever you do, don’t stop having sex. Guys think of sex and love as two totally different things. They believe that they can love their wives and still want to have sex with other women. Once passion wanes in the marriage, he starts to think about having sex with other women and eventually he takes the step. If you want to be sure you’re not vulnerable to an affair, you had better find a way to charge up your libido.
Men cheat because they want to escape reality and play out their sexual fantasies. If you are not open to exploring at least some of his fantasies, those within reason, he is going to be tempted by someone who is open to them. If nothing keeps him faithful, however, don’t blame yourself. If you’re already doing all of those things and you end up with a man who is a serial cheater, then maybe it’s time to think about moving on. It’s not about you; it’s a problem within him.
Affairs generally happen when a husband feels that his needs are not being met. He feels bored, lonely, deprived, or lacking companionship. It is impossible for a wife to satisfy all of these needs all the time. The bottom line is this: If many of your husband’s needs are not being met together, over an extended duration of time, you’ll probably find yourself dealing with an affair. What to do? Stay connected and involved with his life, be open to radical honesty, and don’t give up sex. These are the best things you can possibly do. After those suggestions, the only person who can prevent an affair is the person who is contemplating having one.
Letting go of pain from relationship finality can seem almost impossible. Much of this feeling has to do with our female brains being hardwired to build strong, solid, lasting relationships through our Stone Age instinct for survival and our ancient dependency on a man to ensure that survival. The rest has to do with the female brain chemistry recording our being in love in the deepest parts of our neurological sensors.
Studies by Robert Joseph at the University of Texas concluded that a woman’s self esteem is maintained by her ability to sustain relationships. One of her greatest sources of stress, therefore, can be the fear of losing an intimate relationship. When a woman suffers the loss of a relationship, her brain behaves as though it’s in a drug—withdrawal state. Women who suffer through the end of a relationship can undergo serious depression. They cannot concentrate on anything other than their loss. They cannot sleep, cannot eat, and spend their hours in constant tears.
I suffered the unbearable pain after Brock and I split up. It was the most difficult break up I’ve ever experienced in my life. We were engaged and had been living together for five years. I spent the last year in a constant state of internal fighting to keep my relationship together. He would leave and a piece of me would die (more and more each time), but then he would decide that our relationship mattered to him and ask me to work it out again. Because my love was so deep, I turned into a puddle every time (first, second, third, fourth… you get the picture) he asked for reconciliation.
At the same time, however, I found myself becoming a little stronger with each parting. I started delaying his return, each time a little longer than the last. And each time he came back a new man, at least temporarily, and gradually my heart would open again. The relationship ended with my discovery of another girl in his life. I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how he could move on from “us,” how he could enjoy time with another woman, knowing that I was suffering such deep pain. How could he smile and laugh with her while I was dying?
My sanity was toast. I would think about them together, imagine him touching her, hear him saying the same things to her he said to me, see him sharing with her the bond I thought we had. I saw her as the one living my dream. I felt like I’d been robbed. I could think of nothing but him and her together until I was so sick of my own thoughts that I wanted to bang my head against a wall. (I literally did that once.)
I tried everything imaginable to make him regret losing me. I got breast implants. I tried several new hairstyles. I bought new clothes I couldn’t afford. I went out on the town trying to bury myself in a “good time” that I wasn’t really having. I went on dates with men whom I otherwise had zero interest in, were it not for the fact that I thought it might bother
him
. My dates were either drop-dead gorgeous (and sure to have no brain) or loaded with success (and sure to only be looking for an arm charm). The only reason I dated these men, of course, was because I hoped that Brock would hear about them and get jealous. But nothing worked the way I wanted it to. My whole life revolved around decisions I thought might bring him running back to me and actions that insured he wouldn’t. I couldn’t think of anything else.
He consumed my thoughts so much that I remember once going to my kitchen sink to get a glass of water and the faucet had a slow drip. The water drops didn’t have a patterned fall. One drip, pause, three drips, pause, two. If three drops fall together, then he will want me back. I thought to myself and allowed my kitchen faucet to become an oracle. Eventually, I collapsed on my couch, unable to move, and cried until there wasn’t a drop of water left in my body. Lying there, all I wanted was to die. My life was over. I could actually imagine dirt being tossed on top of me and my body sinking into the ground. It was too painful to be awake and it was impossible for me to sleep. My skin was gray, and I lost so much weight that I looked like one of those starving youths in the “feed the children” commercial. I wanted to be done with my life, except I had those kids to take care of, and I wasn’t doing a good job at being a parent because my mind was absent. I did not see how my depression could ever lift.
But it did lift. Things did change and eventually the only part of the pain that was left was its memory. I suffered other heartbreaks over the years and though I always felt deeply hurt, no pain was ever quite as deep as the pain that I felt with Brock. Getting up again always required great strength, but knowing that if I could survive my experience with Brock, I could get through anything, I was always able to go on with my life trusting that eventually the pain would pass.
Ending my affair with Blake, while different, was almost as difficult. I felt more mental pain than I ever had because that breakup offered a new set of challenges that I wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemy.
After Blake, I fell into one final disastrous relationship. This one was the one that made me figure out how to stop the emotional cycle. Having experienced so much tumult, by now I was tired of the emotional wear and tear these relationships were taking on my soul, my body, and my mind. (Free rent of the brain, my dad calls it.
)
Late one afternoon, I arrived at Shane’s house to pick him up and drive us to dinner. He opened the door wearing his standard grumpy face, left over from an unsatisfactory day at the office, said hello, and walked upstairs to finish getting ready to go out. I immediately felt rejected. There was no warm greeting, no kiss, no “Hi, honey, it’s good to see you.” I plopped down on his couch and waited for my girly boy to spend thirty minutes getting ready, even though he had already had plenty of notice to be ready when I walked in the door. I sat there, thinking about my children, who were home alone eating leftovers, about clients I had not followed up with earlier in my busy day, about all the useful things that I could be doing with my time instead of waiting for this guy to get dressed. When I hollered up to him, “Are you about ready to go?” his reply was in a tone that only furthered my frustration. Too much time to think on his couch got me to ponder an irony.
I had been reading a bunch of books about the Law of Attraction. You don’t have to be a New Age guru to believe in the basic psychology that your own feelings about yourself draw in or allow for certain types of partners to enter your life. I was really getting into the theories presented in these books. So there I was, sitting on Shane’s couch, and suddenly it came to me—“My God,” I thought, “I’ve been nothing but an asshole magnet!” And then I further contemplated these ideas about the laws of energy and like attracting like, etc. I thought, “Well, if I’m an asshole magnet, then I gotta figure out how to shut the magnet off.” It sounded like a good theory, and I joked about it with a few of my girlfriends until one day I got curious enough to do some serious research. Maybe it’s not so far fetched, I thought. How do you demagnetize a magnet? I Googled.
There are two ways to demagnetize a magnet. The irony is that I can see how these very steps are applicable to demagnetizing an asshole magnet as well.
1
. Heating,
hammering,
or
jarring.
When you hammer, heat or jar a magnet, you cause the molecules in the magnet to rearrange. When you heat a magnet, you cause the energy to free the magnetic pull.
Heating is akin to sweating out the discomfort of taking a hard look at what’s in front of you. It’s boiling out the bacteria of daydreams and fantasy, separating illusion from reality and forcing yourself to accept pure truth. Heating builds up a healthy sort of anger. It’s anger at yourself for accepting less than you really deserve; anger at the nerve of a man who treats you in any way that is less than respectful. Heating is reaching the boiling point that says, I’ve
had
enough.
It’s building up your passion and getting to the point of being really, really sick of dealing with assholes.
Next, you have to hammer reality into your head. You have to see the things present in your relationship that aren’t good for you, and pound yourself until you believe that you deserve better. You have to hammer in the belief that you deserve to share your life with someone who treats you with respect. You have to hammer into your belief system the fact that you are valuable, significant, and worth having a partner who will love you with as much love as you give him—exclusively. You have to hammer the commitment into your heart;
To
thine
own
self
be
true
.
Until you can be happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with someone else. Hammer that into your head.
If relationships create the same brain chemistry reaction as drug addiction, then jarring is like suffering through the withdrawal, white knuckling your way through the separation. Jarring is just that: Forcefully shaking your fingers loose from the asshole you’re holding onto. Shaking loose and letting go. To let go means “to liberate, disengage, and set free.”
2
. Alternating
Current
. AC Current is also used to demagnetize. By using an alternate current, you produce a magnetic field of changing direction. When magnetic dipoles switch direction, the magnet will align with the new direction and it will reduce the magnet to almost zero. The magnet field is eliminated.
Applying Alternating Current is changing the direction of your life through will. Using alternating current means bringing new energy into your life. You have to turn your focus and change direction. As a woman, if you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you have probably focused on your partner so much that you have neglected yourself. Using alternating current in this sense means staying busy, focusing on things you enjoy. If you don’t know what it is you enjoy, that’s even better. You’re prime for new adventures and self-discovery. It’s time to get out there and explore new things in your quest to learn what it is that
really
makes
you
happy.
Shane and I had several break ups before the final one. In one of our splits, we were on vacation with two other couples. Before we broke up, we ate at restaurants every night that were not my taste, serving hamburgers, chicken wings, or (my least favorite meal in the world) Mexican food. Breaking up on a lovers holiday wasn’t the vacation of my dreams, but instead of being miserable and wasting the time off and the expense to get there, I chose to make the best of that vacation. The first thing that I did alone after we broke up was walk into a restaurant serving Thai food, which gave me a little piece of
me
alongside my spring roll. Shane and the other two couples were more interested in golfing, shopping, and night life than in seeing historical monuments. After our breakup, I grabbed a map of the area and made it a point to visit several historical sites. I grabbed brochures and made a list of everything that I would like to do and I did them. Before I hammered my way out, I was stressing about coordinating our activities and making sure that whatever we did with our day pleased not only Shane but everyone else in our group, too. Afterward, I lay on the beach and soaked up a lot of sun. I listened to waves crashing against the rocks, instead of an asshole yelling in my ear.
When Shane and I finally broke up, I flew to Maui to center myself, thinking that time relaxing on a beach would soothe my soul. I planned to “Ohm on a rock” and spend all of my time alone in contemplation. It was time to take care of
me
, and I called this trip my honeymoon following my marriage to myself. Every morning, I walked to a coffee shop several miles from my hotel. The exercise gave me a much needed endorphin rush, relieving stress and creating positive energy. On the way back, I walked along the beach, appreciating the scenery. I sat on rocks and stared at the ocean while I sipped my breakfast, making sure I also breathed in deep breaths of the air. When we feel appreciation and gratitude in the moment, our thoughts shift out of negativity. Next, I decided to allow myself to grieve instead of forcing myself either to stuff the pain inside of me or try to not feel it. Resistance to pain only prolongs it. So I didn’t resist the hurt, and my nonresistance allowed it to pass away much more quickly. When my muscles were tense, I bought myself a massage on the beach. I catered to
my
needs, not anyone else’s, and focused on loving myself. It worked. This is why I said earlier that the easiest way to fall out of love with a man who is bad for you is to fall in love with yourself.
What was even more helpful to my healing was that I opened myself to new experiences. Initially, I was adamant that this was
me
time
, and I refused to let anyone get in the way of my date with myself. My mission was to do only
what
I
wanted
to
do.
What I thought I wanted was to be alone. To my surprise, however, I met several people on the beach at Maui and shared many delightful dinners with them. I learned by being open that I also wanted new people in my life. These were the kinds of people I admire and would like to model in my own life. One couple stole my heart. They were a refreshing match vacationing with her mother-in-law in tow. I noticed how connected this couple was and I commented on how pleasant their relationship seemed to his mother while the couple were off swimming. “They complement each other very well” she said “I am really blessed to have her for a daughter-in-law.” I lay on the beach talking to the wife after she came back from her swim with her husband and she revealed to me her age, which was at least fifteen years older than she appeared. “I guess I’m really lucky to have a husband who keeps me active,” she said after I expressed my shock. Later they invited me to join them on several ocean dives.