Read Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us Online
Authors: Micalle A. Culver
Two years after our end, I visited with Blake and he said (again), “Maybe now we can finally be together.”—No, my dear, we cannot. I looked him square in the eye and explained that it was far too late. It had never occurred to me that after all of these years I would need to expound upon my reasons, but I dredged them up for him anyway. One reason, I said, was that I would never be certain that I was his
first
choice or that I would remain his
only
choice. Too much time, I said, and too much heartache; it was beyond too late. The man was truly floored. He seemed to believe that he had all of the time in the world. He could not fathom that I would adjust well to living without him, that I wouldn’t return for yet another empty promise. Tears welled up in his eyes and he quickly excused himself and ran to the restroom. When he returned, it was as if the words had never been spoken to him. He was oblivious to “no.”
A few months later, he ran into my mother. When he asked about me, she shared some of my business plans that I had with my friend Sasha. “Huh!” he replied. “If it weren’t for Sasha, we would be married by now.”
Obviously even unto this day he lives another reality.
As I look back, I see that if I had stayed in the relationship with Blake, I probably would
still
be waiting for his promise of a divorce to be kept. I wonder if he had divorced Beth, would I have spent my life catering to his needs without ever having mine met. Would I have felt in debt to him for the sacrifice he made to be with me? Would I have used up my energy in pouring myself into him, and later grown bitter feeling that he selfishly took my energy and never refueled me? Toward the end of our relationship, my desire to share intimate moments with Blake had began to wane. I was feeling used and unimportant. Why would I want to share intimate moments with a man who neglected my feelings, thoughts, hurts, and obstacles in my daily life that affected my mental or emotional state? He had to have been of the belief that my love and desire for him were so great that I would sacrifice almost anything to be near him because that is what I had proven for so long. If he had gotten his divorce, I would have worried constantly that if I fell from perfection and stopped meeting his every desire, then he would have sought another woman, and I would have suffered everything that Beth suffered… . and still does. I once said to her, “Beth, sometimes when you win, you lose.” I wonder if she gets that now.
I learned after the ultimate end of Blake and me, that he simply moved on to the next woman… and then another… and then another… and on and on. He now flies new and younger girls to new and perhaps more fabulous destinations. Even if I had stayed with him, it probably would not have changed him. Some of the other women have been smarter than I was and left more quickly. Some have hung around for what they receive. (I’m told that Beth no longer controls his funds and so he is now able to give monetary gifts.) One other woman feigned friendship with Beth to forestall her suspicion. Blake remains married and holds me partially responsible, as he accuses me of leaving him for someone else.
I did leave him for someone else. Myself!
Blake has also admitted to me that he cheated on me during our relationship. The irony of this is that I had stumbled onto some pretty clear evidence of it, but because of his passionate display of undying love for me, I could not believe that he would do that or could do that to ME. When I confronted him, he told me all the things that I wanted to hear. When I heard them, I accepted them. I accepted what I wanted to believe, just as his wife had done for so many years.
I believed for so long that Blake always loved me. I believed that our affair was different from any other. Even years after our affair ended, I believed that he always had loved me, but that circumstances had proved to be too difficult. I came to accept that it was his fear that had cost us everything that we longed for. The screwy situation cost all of us a greater portion of our sanity, and it was his inability to gain control of his freedom of choice and forge ahead with what was in his heart that had caused all of the crazy craziness. Maybe, I wonder now, I romanticized what existed between us. I thought we were soul mates, but did I really know what existed between us, verses the fantasy vision that I bought into? A vision perhaps quite perfected by an artist long before it ever reached me?
Blake and I once spoke at great length about the choices he had made in his life, and I listened to all of his same complaints about Beth and all of his same justifications for staying married and having affairs. My heart broke for Beth at a level it never had before. In some crazy way, I have developed affection for Blake’s wife. It is strange to have a love of sorts for a person who rightfully hates you and to fully understand her pain and have no expectation of her forgiveness. I began to reason with Blake about her hostility, hatefulness, and bitterness toward him. I was trying to be a voice he heard when speaking her defense. A voice I was certain fell on deaf ears when she spoke them to him herself. I begged him to go back and give her a hundred percent or let her go so she could be loved, like she deserved, by someone willing to share his life with her. I asked him either to love her enough to give her what she needs, or love her enough to let her go. He has done neither.
I learned much from my experience with Blake and had many adventures that I had only dreamed of, for which I am grateful. Because Blake has also had a positive impact on my life I’m not sure that I would ever trade the experience if given the chance. That is a tough thing for me to admit, given that much of the positive came despite a torturous time in my life. Through him I have grown tremendously as a person. He helped me to expand my knowledge and confidence in business. He encouraged me to explore my intellectual interests and fed my hunger for travel. He also freed me of my fear of commitment. I am now very clear on what type of relationship I want and deserve in my life. Through this time, I have become stronger and more connected to myself than I ever thought I could be. But although the only dime I paid was for a subway ticket in London, I paid abundantly for my lessons in the deepest parts of my soul. Finding personal value through this kind of struggle is a much more difficult way to discover self, then setting out to discover self alone. I hope any other other woman who reads this will avoid the hurt and shame that comes when every skeptical person is proved to be right, that their love affair is not so unique and different, after all.
It wasn’t until after the affair was history that I realized how much of a mess I had made of my life on so many levels. Never once during my relationship with Blake did I think about how poorly my future would be affected. If I thought my life was difficult enough during the affair, I dare say the aftermath was worse.
When we figure out that the forest we’re lost in is unsafe, we need an incredible amount of strength to find our way out. Then we reach a clearing, only to discover that real life is on the other side of a canyon. We are weak, withered, and dehydrated. We’re only able to muster up enough fuel to go on because we can see the other side. We use up our last bit of strength to run, pole in hand, and plant it for a hearty vault across. However, the habitants of the other side are likely to protest that we’re bringing disease to their valley. Other women are unwanted guests everywhere they go, and should we reach the other side, we now must face another fight; one against those who would seek to throw us off the cliff.
A heartfelt caution to those who are involved in an affair
Looking back, I wonder how I would have read a story like mine in the beginning or in the heat of my affair. I know I would have still convinced myself that
we
were
different
. The story didn’t apply to me. If this were your story, I could have told you that you were a damn idiot several pages ago, probably right after the start of the first chapter. I would have said I was smarter than you, I would never let things get that out of control, I would have ended the relationship at the first major ordeal. I would never have put up with that kind of crap.
But it’s not that easy. Things happen very slowly and very fast at the same time. The beginning of an affair feels beautiful, the development can be full of rough patches, and the end is hell, no matter what kind of married guy you’ve got. If I were reading this book, I would have quickly searched my thoughts for ways to validate what I wanted to believe. I would have sold myself on the belief that my situation was different, better, and more hopeful. I’m certain that as you read about the physical arguments in my relationship it will offer much balance to the belief that your relationship is far from the same of what I experienced. I am quite sure that most affairs do not end so extremely, though I will say I am uncertain which ends really hurt worst. A softer ending where I was simply told goodbye might not have made things as easy on me as the anger of having a glass busted over my face did. I wasn’t left to long for him much, after that. The thing is, it didn’t have to go that far to cause all of the emotional destruction to my life.
It has taken years of struggling to learn one very valuable lesson that may be universally applicable to a woman who feels helplessly in love with a bad situation:
The
easiest
way
to
fall
out
of
love
with
someone
who
is
bad
for
you,
is
to
fall
in
love
with
yourself.
PART 2
The Players, the Stages and the Aftermath of an Affair
Nothing is as easy as deceiving yourself,
for what you wish you readily believe
~ Demosthenes
It took a great deal of emotional healing and soul searching for me to find my way back to who I was before I met Blake. As I have become older and wiser, I look back in wonderment at how I ever got so caught up, let alone how I even entered into the whole ordeal. Although I learned much about myself, being a mistress was certainly never someone I believed I could be. Being part of an extra-marital affair was something so against my belief system that I felt compelled to retrace my steps and discover where I lost my way.
My first step was to ask myself, and other women who became involved in similar affairs at some point in their lives, if we were so different from other women. What let us get involved with a married man? What makes us different from women who refuse to cross the line? I asked the other women if they had the same feelings and thoughts I’d had. What were the similarities (or differences) in our characters? In our relationships? Was I a good person gone bad? Were we all inherently good and had we somehow cast ourselves into the pit? Why did we self-destruct so blindly? Did I, or did they, unknowingly suffer from low self-esteem, which is commonly associated with women who allow themselves to become the other woman? (Nope, I learned. The low self-esteem came as a result of the affair.)
I forced myself to painfully and honestly find the most obvious factors that would allow a woman to become involved with an unavailable man. Had I been so desperately lonely? Maybe, though I don’t think so. I knew plenty of available men who were interested in me. I think that I was experiencing some regret for not giving another man with a previous similar circumstance an honest shot, but my life was very full of other things that kept me occupied and content. I can even say, I had no time to slow down enough to notice any void in my life. Was I struggling with other things that were happening in my life? Perhaps.
I lost a friend who died abruptly a year before my involvement with Blake. This had a great impact on my life. It cratered my spiritual belief system and left me emotionally drained. I could no longer find meaning or purpose. The reality that someday we all will pass was in my thoughts, and the glorious afterlife suddenly seemed like something I might be selling myself to comfort me through the inevitable. Maybe I was angry at the fate of human life. Maybe I didn’t care anymore. Maybe moral foundation became “what’s the point?”
It’s human nature for us to look outside ourselves and find someone to blame, and so the thought crossed my mind that perhaps Sasha was an influence on me. I mean, I had just recently started to spend more time with her, and she was involved in an affair with a married man. But no, I couldn’t make her my scapegoat. I am an adult woman, and even in my youth, I was hardly a follower. And the way Sasha spoke about her situation didn’t make it sound appealing to me.
Then I had another thought. Blake was very wealthy. I had to boldly back myself into a corner and look for the truth. Was I desperately seeking marriage or a committed relationship with someone who would take care of me and ease my life’s burdens? Blake’s lifestyle certainly was tempting. It seemed to me that being his wife required nothing but the will to have fun, travel, and hold power and control in any business dealing I might choose to engage in—IF I chose to work at all. I’m not going to lie, the option of a luxurious life was enormously tempting. His having money did not hurt my feelings.
On the other hand, I think that most people would like a companion and lover. If he happened to be well off, all the better. Like a large percentage of women with a shoe fetish, money equals shoes to me and so I always view wealth from that perspective. How many pairs is this worth? It actually really helps me to place a value on just about everything in life because in the overall grand scheme of things—I’ll speak the curse words—shoes just aren’t that important. I was not looking for just anyone, and no number of shoes are worth the loss of love to me. In reality, the best looking shoes (and most expensive) always hurt the most to walk in, and regardless of my closet full of pretty pairs, I find myself always gravitating to the comfortable ones the most. No—it was not his money that made me love him. I would have rather he gave it all up so that we could be together.
Next, I asked myself, was Blake a safe partner for someone who was commitment-phobic? Did I harbor negative feelings about life partnering? Was I afraid of future disappointment within the confines of marriage that allowed me to secretly move into a situation that would offer an easy out? Perhaps this IS a good answer.
Maybe there are good answers to all my questions. But I still hadn’t come to the heart of the matter.
I learned a lot from the women who confided in me with their stories. We were all lost souls enmeshed in affairs with married men. While each story was different in its particulars, they were all the same. These women were not lower-class whores so hungry for the affection of a man they were willing to take on anything. They were not so empty of self-respect and pride they would bed down any man or do anything it took to steal the upstanding husband and father of a righteous family. The women who spoke to me were not vicious, heartless tramps who lured some vulnerable husband away from the clutches of his loving wife for the simple pleasure of laughing at a wretched, crumbled woman. Far from worthless sluts, these women weren’t ones to spread their legs for anyone.
Women are much more complicated than men. No matter how strong we are, our lives are often ruled by our emotions. Our choices are often based on what we feel, not what we think, and our brain chemistry often outweighs our logic. We only choose logic if it
feels
better, and often times, as our emotions overpower our thinking, we choose something illogical. Take, for example, stories about women who give up their children or tank their finances and surrender their entire lives all for the love of a man. I have personally known women who have sacrificed their business and all their possessions, women who have turned custody of their children over to their former spouse, women who turned their backs on their family and friends as if hypnotized—all to be with the man they fell in love with. These women were people most of us would see as intelligent, self-confident, and successful. As we watch their lives deteriorate, we say, “What the hell are you doing?” And they give us what sound like reasonable explanations. They forsake all for the glory of love. They believe they will find happiness with the man they have chosen.
In her book
The Female Brain,
author Louann Brizendine goes into great depth when explaining the chemical make up of the mind of a woman. “Once a person is in love,” she says, “the cautious, critical-thinking pathways in the brain shut down.” Brizendine goes on to say “Hormones then activate the brain circuits for loving, nurturing behavior while switching off the caution and aversion circuits. In other words, if high levels of oxytocin and dopamine are circulating, your judgment is toast.”
1
Oxytocin is a neurohormone that is triggered by intimacy. Brizendine cites several studies which conclude that the female mind is wired to build relationships and sustain them.
How many of us have experienced infatuation that was not reciprocated? Or tried a little too hard to impress a crush? Have any of us not made a fool of ourselves at least once stemming from nerves of being smitten? I suggest that even the best of us are vulnerable to foolish decision when we have relinquished our hearts to love.
The other woman is not sub human. What she is and who she is isn’t different than any other woman. She simply wants to be happy and hopes to someday share her life with a loving companion, someone who will brighten her day and on a bad one, offer support and comfort. She wants a man who will love her through life, and who she’ll never have to fear will someday be absent. Most any woman needs to feel appreciated and unique. She needs to feel supported and to feel a deep, intimate emotional connection exclusively with her partner. She wants to feel feminine, sexy, and beautiful to a man she shares everything with. She needs a successful, satisfying, fulfilling love relationship.
As I listened to the women I interviewed, I noticed that most of them had been through some serious difficulties before getting involved in their affair relationship. I also found several studies supporting the theory that women who involve themselves in impossible relationships typically do so because they have difficulty with the intimacy that a real partner represents. These women live with the fantasy that they are able to control the circumstances in which they meet their lover, what will happen when they do and how connected she will allow the relationship to become despite the limitations to the relationship. Historically, many of the women drawn toward limited relationships have experienced abuse or trauma in their lives. If she believes that she is able to control the relationship, she is unable to see its shortcomings. It is intimacy she is avoiding, and a relationship with a married man helps avoid it well or at least demands for its compromise under what she feels is in her own control. She can cut her time with him if she subconsciously feels that he is getting too close, or convince herself that what she is experiencing is a greater closeness than ever before because subconsciously she is free to open herself without feeling trapped. His marriage gives her a way out.
Of the numerous women I listened to, Sasha was approaching the end of a long term relationship that had destroyed her feelings of self-worth when she became involved in an extra-marital affair. Amy, too, had ended a long term relationship filled with feelings of rejection and heartache, which was followed by a series of additional bad relationships. In both cases, these women lived with their companion for eight years and were victims of infidelity by men unwilling to commit to marriage. Lisa had recently divorced, as had Angela, Vickie, Crystal and Jennifer. They had been married to men they described as not being their “partners.” They had not shared their lives with their husbands doing things together that were fun or connective. Their former husbands were rigid, controlling, possessive, not present, and either physically or verbally abusive. Trisha’s husband died of a drug overdose long after he had abandoned her and their children for the party scene. Wendy’s three-year-old daughter had been killed in an auto accident just two years before.
In fact, almost every “other” woman I interviewed had suffered a monumental change to her life, spanning from a frightening career change to traumatic loss, within a significant time of their becoming involved in their affair. I noticed that many of the women had also had difficult and extremely hurtful relationships in their past. Their childhoods had been filled with dysfunction, rejection, abandonment, or abuse. Their histories were a major factor in their romantic relationships.
I have been acquainted with numerous women who are needy and desperate for love and attention. I am sure they, too, are susceptible to the lure of an affair. However, the women that I interviewed were those who had single-handedly pulled themselves up from the ground and created astounding lives for themselves. They are strong, self-sufficient, intelligent, financially secure, and wise. They also have extroverted personalities in a crowd but are warm and comforting in intimate settings. These women do not display characteristics of low self-esteem that so many people assume other women have. They are women who are very well put together, women who seem to have no trouble putting their foot down about what they will and will not tolerate. They hold very high standards for themselves. I chose to interview these women because I think they offer the most insight as to how even the strongest of women can find themselves trapped in an affair.
Most of these single women who have affairs have had plenty of opportunities to date, but they hope to find someone unique who will become their best friend. They’re looking for a man with whom they can live out their years, either starting a family or sharing the children they already have. Married women who have affairs with married men felt starved for attention, change, excitement, and zest, but still found themselves wanting the same things from their affair partner that non-married other women did—a sacred bond. Interestingly enough, married women who have affairs are more likely to leave their spouses for their affair partner than married men. Women love to sell themselves romance; that is, we love to be under the control of love, possessed—swept away. As if love is out of our hands.
I found several common denominators in women who became other women. Like most of us, they want to feel loved and appreciated. However, there seems to be a deep-seated fear in them, too: “I am not enough.” This belief is not obvious. The woman has learned to hide it very well, perhaps even from herself. As we reviewed their history, these women revealed abandonment or a tremendous amount of rejection. It has been said that those who give the most are really those who need the most; appropriately, the other woman is almost always very selfless and giving. She is often a problem fixer, never believing that she might be part of the problem herself. She is an encourager and uplifts those around her, an ego feeder, if you will. Wanting to make others “feel good,” she is most likely projecting her need to feel good. There is something in the other woman that needs to feel extra-special and adequate. The married man fulfills her need to be extraordinary and have a profound impact on someone’s life—
she is his solution.
He makes her feel craved and needed, and this is powerfully tempting. It is as if he sees something other-worldly inside her, something she has perhaps not seen inside herself. Because she is his savior, her craving to feel special and exemplary is abundantly fulfilled for a time.