Beginnings of the Heart (14 page)

“Well, they were part of the whole thing. They had to be since it involved their house.”

“I don't understand what you mean. It involves their house?” I shook my head confused.

“Cole.” Cecelia spoke. “Take her inside and show her so she doesn't get all worked up. And stop purposefully teasing her. It just isn't nice.”

Cole chuckled, took my hand, and led me into the house and up the stairs to the second floor. We stopped outside the door of one of the guest rooms. His parents had shadowed us upstairs and now stood behind us.

“Now close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you to.” Cole said.

I closed my eyes dutifully and felt him lead me to what I assumed was the middle of the room. There was the lingering smell of paint and something else I couldn't identify.

“Okay, open your eyes.”

I did and sucked in a breath as my jaw dropped open. I turned in a complete circle before I could even begin to take in what I was seeing. The guest room had been turned into a nursery, but not just any nursery. My perfect, idyllic nursery I had only dreamed about.

The walls had been painted in soft lavender and there were light sage green roman shades at the windows. Between the windows was placed a beautiful wooden crib with a lavender and sage green layette. On the wall above the crib were white letters spelling Victoria's name. On the next wall was a matching changing table stocked with all the baby necessities and had pictures of butterflies and dragonflies hanging above it. In the corner across from the crib was an upholstered glider with a footstool angled so you could look out of the window on the same wall.

I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even speak. I just kept turning in a slow circle trying to take it all in. I finally walked over to the crib and noticed it also had a mobile with butterflies and dragonflies suspended from it.

“Do you like it? We've been working on it for a while. I wanted to get everything just right.” Cole's voice came to me as if from a far way off.

I felt his arms wind around me from behind.

“It's perfect. I don't know what to say.” I whispered.

“We wanted you to feel comfortable leaving Victoria here with us while you're at school.” Cecelia said from the doorway. “I hope this helps.”

“Thank you doesn't even begin to say how grateful I am to you for helping us as much as you have, but thank you so much for this.” I said.

“It was our pleasure. Now we'll give you two some time, and we'll see you at dinner in about an hour.” Cecelia turned and closed the door behind them.

“I feel like I should have said more to your parents, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.” I turned and looked up at Cole.

“They understand.” He brushed my hair over my shoulders. “It's cute though isn't it? The crib and changing table were mine when I was a baby. My mom made all of the bedding, and my dad and I did the painting and other stuff. Why don't you sit down and try the chair out. You might like it.” His eyes were pleading, but it seemed to be more than him just wanting me to try the chair.

I let him lead me over to it, and I sank down. He sat on the footstool and pulled my feet into his lap. I looked around the room again and allowed my mind to wander. I found I was considering Cole's offer to move in here with him and didn't understand the motivation.

Other than my being shallow enough to leave my family for a nursery, the only possibility was I was getting tired of trying to rationalize my mother's attitude.

“What are you thinking, Morgan? I thought you liked the room, but now you look sad. Talk to me.” Cole's voice cut through my confusion.

I gave him a small smile. “I love this room. It's just I couldn't help but think it should have been my family doing this for me instead of yours. And then I started thinking about my mother's continuing emotional rollercoaster attitude about the baby. I'm just not sure how much more I can excuse. Sorry, I know you wanted this to be a happy gift, and I am
,
” I said
.

“I'm glad you like it, and I'm sorry it makes you sad about your family not doing anything for the baby. You also know you don't have to justify anything if you don't want to.” He leaned forward so he could touch my face. “You have a choice about where you want to be, and I'm not going to not say another word about it because I know it upsets you. But I have also decided if at any point the situation at your house becomes somehow less than ideal or bearable, I might feel the need to make the choice for you.”

“I don't think…“ I began.

“Don't.” He cut me off. “I know you aren't ready to leave your home, but you need to know we, my mom, dad, and myself, consider ourselves your family too. You and Victoria are my family.”

I burst into tears. I felt Cole put my feet on the floor and then wrap his arms around me. He held me until my tears were spent, and then he dried my face with the front of his shirt.

“I'm sorry.” I smiled apologetically.

“You don't have to be sorry. It's been a big day. Between getting your room ready for the baby, the baby shower, this room… it's totally understandable.” Cole said.

I let out a big breath in a whoosh trying to settle my emotions. “Everything is just all of a sudden happening and I didn't really expect to be so emotional. This room is more than I could have ever hoped for. It's perfect and I can't thank you enough for it. I think Victoria will like being here during the day.” I told Cole.

“I think she will too. Why don't you sit here for a few minutes, and I'm going to go change my shirt. I think dinner is almost ready so we'll go down when I get done.” He stood up and walked to the door. “Morgan, try not to think about everything happening. The only thing we have any control over right now is how we are going to react to what is coming at us. You should also remember some of it is going to smell really bad.” He laughed at the face I made as he left the room.

“You look better.” Cole commented when he came back into the room.

“Yeah, I thought about what you said and as much as I hate to admit this, you were right, yet again. I can only control how I react to certain things.” I said. “I still wish my family would be as understanding as yours though.”

“I know, but it is what it is. Try to enjoy yourself tonight, okay? “Cole asked.

“Oh I will. I always do when I'm with you.” I smiled at Cole.

We both entered the kitchen with smiles on our faces, hand in hand. I again thanked Cole's parents for all the work they had done on the nursery.

We talked and laughed over the stories told during dinner. All too soon it was time to leave, and I began wondering if I shouldn't just move in here after all. If I hated leaving this much, did it mean this was where I was supposed to be?

“What are you thinking about so hard over there?” Cole asked.

“Nothing really. I was just trying to decide if the reason I hate leaving you and your house so much is because it's where I'm supposed to be. I couldn't come to a conclusion so I gave up trying to figure it all out tonight.” I looked over at Cole and found a shocked look on his face.

“Wow, kind of a lot to think about.”

“That's all you're going to say? You aren't going to take the opportunity to tell me again you really want me to move in?” I asked.

“Nope. I told you I'm not going to mention it again, and I won't. I'm not going to lie, though, and tell you what you just said doesn't make me ecstatic.” He smiled over at me.

I grinned back at him, and then we were pulling up in front of my house. Cole got out and came around to help me out of the truck. Then he reached into the bed of the truck and pulled out the boxes of diapers my friends had given me.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” Cole asked as we walked up to the house. “It's Sunday so I don't have to work, and I think you would like to get out of here even if you don't want to admit it.”

“How do you know me so well?”

“I think it's the superior intellect and intuitive skills I possess.” Cole stated confidently.

I started laughing as we walked through the door. We passed the living room, and I looked in and waved to my parents. My dad was smiling, but my mother had an arrested look on her face I wasn't up for analyzing right now.

Cole carried the diapers to my room and put the boxes under the crib. It was the only place left where they wouldn't be right out in the middle of the room. I looked at the crib our daughter would be sleeping in and smiled.

“You know, this may not be the perfect nursery, but I still like it. I'll be able to watch her sleep, and I think it's kind of cozy.” I looked up at Cole.

“You're right, it is cozy, and I think Victoria will like it. I think she'll be happy wherever you happen to be. Maybe we could find a rocking chair or something to put in here.” He said in my ear.

“It would be nice, but I don't know if it would fit. Where would I put it?”

“I think one would fit in front of the window seat. We could look for one tomorrow if you want.” He hugged me.

“I'll think about it.” I said.

“Let me know. I'm going to go, and I'll see you tomorrow. You should get some sleep. The book says right about now in your pregnancy you'll start to get tired again like in the beginning.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “If you start quoting from the book again I'm liable to hit you, and we don't want to go there, do we?”

“No, definitely not.”

I walked Cole to the door and said goodnight to him on the front porch. I heard my parents talking in the living room when I went back inside, and as I passed by, my mother spoke to me.

“Morgan, could you come in here for a minute?”

I walked in and sat down in the chair next to the couch and waited for one of them to speak.

“How was the shower your friends threw for you?” my mother asked.

“It was good. They bought us diapers, lots of diapers. And then they gave me a spa day. It was actually very nice of them.”

“I'm glad you had a good time. I told your father earlier you had set your room up for the baby and it's really cute. Are you going to add anything more or are you done?” she asked.

“I think we're done. We were just talking about maybe getting a rocking chair though.”

“Are the two of you getting together tomorrow?” Mom asked.

“Yeah, we were thinking we might look for a rocker, but I don't know yet.” I started to tire of the superficial conversation.

“Well, let us know in the morning what your plans are for the day. Have a goodnight and get some sleep, you look tired.” My mother said.

“Goodnight.” I mumbled and then went to my room. I changed into my oversized T-shirt and boxer shorts I used as pajamas. Besides the few maternity clothes I had it was the only thing I could sleep in.

I crawled into bed and tried to get comfortable. It was more difficult than I had ever thought possible.

The next month flew by. My parents surprised me by offering to let me use the rocking chair my mom used with us. While it was thoughtful, I tried to not read into it too much. We also celebrated Cole's birthday, but the ever-present knowledge we would be parents soon was never far from our minds.

July 31
^st
dawned bright and hot. I was miserable from the moment I woke up, which was far too early. I hauled my bloated body out of bed and tried taking a shower in the blind hope it would make me feel a little more human. It only worked a little bit and now my back was starting to hurt.

When I returned to my room I noticed it was only six o'clock. I walked over and sat down in the rocking chair and started to rock. I gave up trying to relax and finally went to get something to eat.

It was only six thirty, but my dad was already up and sitting at the table reading the paper. He glanced up as I walked into the room.

“You're up early.” He said.

“I couldn't sleep, and my back hurts. I gave up trying to get back to sleep and got up.” I responded with a small smile. “Where's Mom?”

“She's already gone. There's some big review at work, and she needed to finish some things up before it started. She left a little while ago.” He looked at me with critical eyes as if he was assessing my mood. “I know it seems like she doesn't care, but she does. I also know the lack of compassion from her has hurt you, but you have to understand something about your mother.”

“What do I need to understand? I already know she's ashamed of me.” I said, feeling the prick of tears in my eyes.

He shook his head at me and then leaned forward to rest his arms on the table. “She isn't ashamed of you. Disappointed in you, yes, but not ashamed. We both wanted so much more for you and your sister, and now it seems like it is all falling apart. Being a parent, as you are about to find out, is about wanting more for your kids than you had. We wanted you to be able to go to college and do anything you wanted before you got married and had children. Your mother is just having a hard time reconciling the dream with what the reality is now going to be for you.”

I sat and thought about what he had said. It was true what he said about being a parent. I definitely wanted Victoria to go to college and do whatever made her happy, but it didn't necessarily mean I had to write off all of my own hopes.

“I know you're both disappointed in me and I can understand, but it doesn't mean I can't still go to college and have a good future. It isn't going to happen the same way it would have, but it can still happen.”

“I know, and I really hope you still make college work for you. Are you feeling okay?” Dad asked.

“I'm okay. My back is just aching, and it's really hot. July is not the time to be pregnant.” I grimaced.

“Alright, well, lie on the couch and try to rest. I have to go to work and I'll be late tonight. Your mother will also be late so you and Samantha will have to find dinner on your own. See you later.” Dad said, over his shoulder as he left the room.

I sat at the table for a few more minutes and then went into the living room and attempted to get comfortable on the couch. I tried to put myself in my mother's place to see if I would have reacted the same way to my daughter getting pregnant at sixteen.

I didn't think I would be as distant or hostile like my mother had been. I would most certainly be disappointed and sad for the loss of certain hopes and dreams, but I would also try to be as supportive as possible.

The phone rang, disturbing my thoughts, and I was surprised when I glanced at the clock and it was eight o'clock. I must have really been lost in my thoughts. I rolled off the couch and got the phone on the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

“I thought you might still be sleeping.” Cole's voice came through the phone like a cooling breeze.

“No, I've been up for a while. What has you calling so early?” I asked.

“I was just thinking about you and wanted to hear your voice. It's going to be a scorcher today so I was hoping you would stay inside and just relax. And I know you hate it when I ask you to do things like this, but if you could just humor me this once I would really appreciate it.” Cole pleaded.

“Okay.”

“That was way too easy. What's going on?” Cole asked.

“Nothing. I already decided to stay inside. My back hurts, I'm hot, sleepy, and I'm just miserable to sum it all up.”

“I'm sorry. Remember, you promised to call me if anything started or something didn't seem quite right.” Cole said anxiously.

“I promise to call. Aren't you supposed to be at work by now? What are you doing?” I asked.

“I was already there, but my dad needed me to run out for some stuff. I'm on my way back now, but thought I should check in with you. You know if your back keeps hurting you should call and ask Dr. James if it's normal.”

“If it doesn't get better in the next few hours I'll call. I think I just slept wrong. Have a good day at work. I love you.”

“I love you more. I'll check in with you a little later, bye.” and he was gone.

I hung up the phone and sat back down on the couch. I flipped through the channels on the T.V. but there was nothing to watch. I just didn't feel right, and I couldn't explain it.

My back felt better if I was standing so I decided to go gather up my laundry. Once the wash was started, I went back to my room to check my bag for the hospital. I had done this a hundred times in the last few days but wanted to make sure just one more time. I also checked the diaper bag I had packed for Victoria as well.

“Hey, how are you feeling today?” Samantha asked.

I started a little when I entered the kitchen, and my sister spoke to me.

“I'm miserable, but I'll get through it. You should really warn someone who's pregnant before you startle them. What are you doing here? I thought you were going shopping today with one of your friends.” I wondered.

“I am, just not until later. I thought you would still be sleeping. You look really tired, are you sure you're okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, my back hurts is all. I couldn't sleep so I just gave in and got up. What are you shopping for today?” I asked.

We talked while she ate her breakfast, and then she went to shower and get ready for her shopping expedition. I went and folded my laundry and put it away in my room.

My back was still hurting so I called the clinic and left a message for Dr. James. She called back about ten minutes later and asked several other questions. I told her how I had been feeling and my back really hurt, and she told me to come in. I dialed Cole's cell phone and waited for him to pick up.

“Hey, what's going on?”

“I just talked to Dr. James and she wants to see me.” I told him.

“Okay, let me tell my dad, and I'll be there to get you in just a few minutes. Are you okay? Nervous or anything?” he asked.

“I think I'm okay. Right now, anyway. Drive safe, okay?”

“I will. I love you, Morgan.”

“I love you more. I'll see you in a few.”

I went to my room, grabbed my bag and the diaper bag for Victoria, then stuck my head in the bathroom to tell my sister what was going on.

I carried the bags to the foyer to wait for Cole, and as I sat them on the floor I heard the car pull up out front. I opened the door and grinned when he practically flew up the walk and steps to the porch.

“Hey, you still okay? I don't want you to get nervous or anything. It's going to be okay.” Cole said.

“I think you're the one who needs to calm down. I'm fine.” I insisted.

He grabbed the bags from off of the floor and carried them out to the car. I got in while he put the bags in the back and then got in the front to drive.

“Do you want me to drive or do you think you'll be okay?” I tried joking.

He rolled his eyes at me. “I'm fine. I just didn't expect this, I guess. I mean I know you're due tomorrow, but I thought it would be different than this somehow.”

I smiled at him and reached over to take his hand in mine. I couldn't help but think about the day I told him I was pregnant. I had been the one who was rattled, and he the calm, reasonable one. Today it was as though we had traded places.

The drive to the clinic was a lot shorter than it usually was, thanks to Cole's hurried driving. We walked in and gave the receptionist my name, and we were immediately taken back to one of the exam rooms.

The nurse took my vitals, and before she was done, Dr. James came in. After she examined me she said, “Even without putting the monitors on you, I can tell you're in labor. So, I want the two of you to drive over to the hospital, and they'll get you taken care of. I'll be over in a little while to check on you.”

“How long before it's too late for an epidural?” I asked, concerned.

“I'm going to call over and speak to the nurse who'll be assigned to you and fax over an order to give you the epidural whenever you ask for it. You can have it as soon as you get there or you can wait and see how things go.”

“Okay.” I said.

“They will take very good care of you. I'm also going to fax over the release your parents signed giving permission for you to have the medication because they'll need it. You can't sign yourself because you're under age. So go have a baby.” She smiled.

The drive to the hospital was silent. I think we were both caught up in our own thoughts and in my case, my feelings. I was trying to reconcile the thought of becoming a mother in what could possibly be a few hours' time.

I thought I had already gotten past this point, but when confronted with the impending arrival of my child, I found I wasn't as ready as I thought.

“It's going to be okay, you know? You're going to do great, and I'm not leaving even for one second.” Cole vowed.

“You sound like you're trying to convince yourself not to run away. Are you sure you're okay? I mean, I guess I could call my mother to come and sit with me.” I reluctantly said.

He chuckled. “No, I'm not trying to convince myself, but you were looking very serious over there and I just wanted you to know I'm not going to leave you. What were you thinking about?” he asked as we pulled into a parking space at the hospital.

“I'm not sure I'm as ready to become a mother as I thought I was.” I grimaced as I looked up at him.

“You're going to be a great mom. Now let's go see how long we're going to have to wait until we meet her.” Cole said confidently.

I nodded my head. We walked into the hospital and went up to the labor and delivery floor. The nurse who was sitting at the desk smiled at us and after bringing my records up on the computer, paged the nurse who would be assigned to me.

“Hello, I understand we might be having a baby today. My name is Molly, and I'll be taking care of you. If you'll follow me I'll take you to your room, and we'll get you all set up.” She smiled widely.

I changed into a hospital gown, and then Molly hooked me up to the monitoring equipment. The sound of Victoria's heartbeat was comforting. It sounded like a watery
whoosha-whoosha-whoosha-whoosha
.

“Okay, you are having contractions, but you're not feeling them, right?” Molly asked.

“No I'm not. My back is the only thing hurting. Shouldn't I be feeling the contractions?” I asked, worried something was wrong.

“Not necessarily. Do you want an epidural?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“I'll go check at the desk and see if the order's here yet, and if it isn't I'll call the doctor. So try and relax and I'll be right back.” She smiled as she left the room.

I looked at Cole, who had this silly grin on his face. It made me giggle.

“What's so funny?” Cole asked.

“The look on your face.” I answered, still smiling at him.

“I'm excited. You know, we've been waiting for months to meet her and now it's time. I wonder if I should call my mom.”

“I'll bet your dad already called her. I wouldn't be surprised to see her camping out in the hallway.” I said, smiling.

Cole laughed. “You're right. I'll call her after the nurse comes back. How are you feeling? Are you still okay?” He asked, suddenly serious.

“Yeah. I'll be happier when they get the epidural done though. My back really hurts, but I think I'm starting to feel the contractions. I'm not sure the trade off from one to the other is going to be enjoyable at all.” I grimaced as I felt what I was sure was another contraction.

“Alright, we have the consent form from your doctor, and the anesthesiologist is standing by for when we get everything else done. How are you doing?” Molly asked.

“Okay, I think I'm starting to feel the contractions, though. My back isn't hurting as bad.” I grimaced again as I felt another pain.