Beginnings (5 page)

A smile started spreading on his lips, “Oh?”

“How can I say yes when my heart belongs to you? It's always belonged to you,” I spoke softly, staring down at my fiddling hands. I heard him get up and walk over to me.

“Annie, look at me.” When I looked up, my heart started to race at the intensity of his stare. “These feelings I have for you are tearing me apart. I want you to be mine but that's not fair of me. What can I give to you?”

“You. You can give me you.”

“I've been yours from the moment we met.” He stepped closer so our faces were inches apart and closed his eyes. “I try to imagine what you would feel like to touch. The smell of  your hair. Your lips on mine.” When he opened his eyes they were full of longing. I felt my lips part and my breathing got heavier. My entire body ached for him to hold me. “I'm yours Annie, always.”

Chapter 5

I barely slept that night. My stomach had constant butterflies and my mind re-played every detail of what happened. I'd open my eyes every so often to find Adam staring out the window or watching me sleep.

Adam was already downstairs when I woke up the next morning. I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail and threw on some clothes, eager to see him. I tripped over my feet as I bolted down the stairs and stumbled into the kitchen.
Smooth, Anna
. He, of course, was leaning over my uncle's shoulder, reading the paper. Adam straightened his body when I clumsily entered and gave me a crooked grin.

“Morning, Annie.”

A huge smile took over my face. Everything would be different between us from then on. I'd never wanted anyone more than Adam, and I knew I never would.

All through breakfast we kept staring at each other with goofy grins on our faces.  He was just as happy as I was to know each others true feelings.

On the car ride to school Adam sat in the middle next to me. We were acting like teenagers newly crushing on each other, instead of childhood best friends who knew everything about one another.

It was hard to concentrate in class. I had to stop myself from turning around to look at him. He was restless too. I felt him fidgeting and repositioning a lot. Eventually he moved in front of the classroom and leaned against the blackboard. We just stared at each other. Sometimes one of us would shyly smile at the other.

Near the end of class he kept rubbing his eyes and scrunching his brows together. He straightened up and took a step forward, but he wobbled a bit. Something was wrong. I could see it on his face. He started walking towards me but swayed, causing him to grip the teachers desk for support. He bent over and dropped his head down. His other hand moved over his heart.

“Annie...” My name came out as barely a whisper. His hand started clawing at his shirt, “Annie the pain! I feel like I'm on fire!” He cried out in pain, then dropped to his knees and started rocking.

I jumped to my feet, “Adam!”

He cradled his head in his hands, “Make it stop! My head!”

I started making my way towards him, calling out his name in fear.

I fell to my knees in front of him, “Adam I'm here.”

For as long as I live, I will never forget the look on Adam's face when he lifted his head to look at me, the pain he felt was written all over. His skin was inflamed and his lips were turning blue, but his eyes were what frightened me the most. They looked wild, like a man on the brink of insanity.

And then he was gone.

“Adam...” I looked around frantic, “Adam!” I screamed. I got to my feet and starting turning around the room, using my eyes to search every corner.

“Adam!” Tears were starting to fall down my face.

“Ms. Monroe, what is going on?” Mr. Timmons started walking towards me with a concerned look on his face.

I pushed past him and ran out the door, “Adam!”

He wasn't outside.

I felt a hand grab my arm, “Anna, you're freaking everybody out. Who’s Adam?”

I tried to pull my arm away but Jeremy was too strong.

I could barely see him through my tears, “Let go! I need to find him!” I tried pulling harder.

“I think you should go see the nurse.”

My head was shaking wildly back and forth, “No, please I have to find him.” I was hysterical now. “Please let me go, he needs me.” I ferociously moved my body to get him to let go, but he had an iron grip. I stopped and took some deep breaths. “Please, Jeremy. Please let me go.” I tried to make my voice as calm as possible, “Please.” I felt his grip loosen and his hand fall to his side. I turned from him and started running towards home.

My lungs were bursting and my legs were growing weak but I refused to stop. I reached the door and realized my keys were in my backpack at school. I dropped to the ground on all fours and started turning over every rock in my aunt's garden.
Where's the key!
I ran to the side of the house and looked under a gnome.
Not there. Think, where did your aunt say she hid it?
I tried racking my brain, going over conversations we'd had.
The rose bush!
I ran to the rose bush and clawed my way through the dirt next to it until I found the box containing a spare key and some cash. I dropped the box and the cash, sprinting to the door. My hands were shaking as I tried to unlock the door, and I kept dropping the key. I finally got the door open.

“Adam!” I screamed down the hall, “Adam!” I took the stairs two at a time and entered my room panting, “Adam?” I could barely say his name as I was gasping for air.

He wasn't there.
He's gone. Adam's gone.
I dropped to my knees, defeated.
He's really gone.

This had happened once before when we were ten. We had been climbing trees at the park when he looked at me and tried to cry out my name before falling from the tree. Just as he was about to hit the ground he was gone. I didn't see him for two days. Two horrible days.

I closed my eyes.
He'll be back. He wouldn't leave me. No, Adam would never leave me.
I felt my heart rate starting to go down and I took some deep breaths.

“He'll be back,” I said out loud to confirm with myself. Still on the floor, I crawled my way to Adam's chair and climbed up onto it. I put my head on the armrest and pulled my knees to my chin.

“He'll be back.”

I felt my eyes get heavy, but all I could see was Adam's tortured face and I started crying again.

I heard a knock on my door, and I opened my eyes. I must have fallen asleep because it was dark in my room.

The door slowly opened, “Anna?” My aunt's head peeked around the door.

“I'm here,” my voice was so hoarse I could barely get the words out.

She came into the room, “Your teacher called me at work and told me what happened, so did Haley. I hurried home to find my garden destroyed and the door wide open. I called Tom at work terrified. When he got here we came upstairs and found you asleep in your chair, covered in dirt, with tear smudges all over your face. Your uncle said we should leave you to rest, but I'm worried sweetie. You haven't moved in twelve hours.”

What?
I darted my eyes to the alarm clock: ten-thirty. It felt like only minutes had passed.

“Anna, what happened?” I just stared at her. “Please say something, you're scaring me.”

“I'm fine, I just didn't sleep last night. I'm going to take a shower and then go to bed.” I got up, grabbed my pajamas, and went out the door, leaving my aunt still standing in my room staring after me.

The shower felt good. I let the hot water wash away the day.
He'll be back, I just know it
.

********

I stayed home from school the next day. My aunt didn't protest; I don't think she knew what to do with me. I ended up not going for the entire week, each day growing more depressed that Adam hadn't returned yet. I only left my bed to go to the the bathroom. My aunt would come up to bring me food, but I never ate more than a few bites. Haley peeked her head in a couple times, but she never said anything.

Saturday afternoon I heard the door open and a tray being set down on my desk.

“I know we haven't always been friends,” Haley's voice surprised me, “But I want you to know I do care. You're family. It may not seem like I care, but I honestly do. I just wanted you to know that you can come to me. I promise that whatever we talk about will be between us.” She stood there for a moment, then left the room.

Later that night my uncle came in and sat down on the bed next to me. He let out a huge sigh. “Anna, you're scaring the shit out of us. I need to know you're okay. Sandra told me what happened. I'm worried about you. Haley and Sandra said Adam was the name of your imaginary friend when you were a kid. I vaguely remember you having one after your parents died.” He paused and took a deep breath, “I remember the day I found out my sister had died. I got a phone call from the hospital telling me there was an accident and both your parents had died. They told me their daughter only suffered a concussion and some gashes. I can't remember the drive there, I was in too much shock, but somehow I found myself in front of your bed. You looked so frightened and scared. I sat on the bed next to you exactly as I am now. You curled up under my arm and cried. Gut-wrenching cries. At one point I think my sobs were louder than yours.” I felt my throat close up and tears sting my eyes. “If you'll let me, I'd like to hold you like that now. We don't need to talk, I can just hold you.” I nodded. Sitting up, I scooted next to him. He put his arm around me and pulled me tighter. He rested his cheek on my head, “Your mom was my big sister. I worshiped her. We were six years apart, so at times she looked after me like a mom would. If I scratched my knee, she cleaned it up. She was the one to encourage me to ask Sandra out and told me when I needed to shape up or I was going to lose her. Your parents tried for years to get pregnant and then one day it worked. I've never seen two people more excited; you completed them. They loved you so much. You need to know how much they loved you, how much they loved each other,” he paused, “I guess the reason I'm telling you all this is because you're my sister's greatest treasure and it's my job to protect you, so when I see you like this I know I've failed. I love you Anna, maybe not as strongly as your parents, but I do. I love you very much.” He kissed the top of my head. I wrapped my arms around his waist and let my tears fall down. I cried and he held me, not saying any more. I eventually stopped and let go of his waist.

I sat up and looked at him. “Thank you,” I said, wiping my tears. “I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm not sure if I can talk about what happened.” Then I looked him in the eye, “But I'm okay. I'll be okay. I just need time. Give me tomorrow, and on Monday I'll go back to school. I just need one more day.”

“Okay.” He said, nodding his head. He kissed the top of my head once more, then headed for the door.

“Uncle?”

He turned around, “Yes Anna?”

“My mom wouldn't think you've failed. She'd be proud of her baby brother.”

I saw the tears form in his eyes as he left, closing the door behind him.

Chapter 6

I was taking my time tying my shoe laces. I didn't want to go downstairs and face my family. I wasn't even allowing myself to think about facing everyone at school. I felt sick to my stomach wondering what kind of gossip was going around.

I took a deep breath and made my way downstairs. My uncle was reading the paper while my aunt was quietly eating her toast. They both looked up when they heard me enter.

“Morning, Anna,” my uncle said as he went back to his reading.

My aunt wiped her hands and looked at her watch, “Haley, five minutes!” She yelled from her seat. She poured me a glass of orange juice and went back to eating.

I gave her a smile to say thank you.

She stopped mid-bite and put her toast down. “You sure you're up for this Anna? Maybe we could find someone for you to talk to?”

“I'll be okay. Embarrassed, but it's high school. Doesn't everyone do something mortifying at least once?” I tried to make the last part sound like a joke, but it came out awkward and forced.

“I just want you to be prepared. You might get some pointing fingers and constant stares today.”
I hope it's only that
. “Please call me if you need to. I can leave work at anytime, okay?” I could tell she really meant it, and that warmed my heart.

“I will, Aunt Sandra. Thank you.”

“Well, we better get going.”

I grabbed my juice and gulped it down.

“I'm leaving, Haley, so if you want a ride you better get down here,” my aunt hollered up the stairs.

I was almost to the car when Haley called my name, “Don't let anyone harass you today. Most of the school's a bunch of jerks, so don't pay any attention to them. I told everyone that it was the anniversary of your parents death and your dad was named Adam. You got drunk that morning and passed out in class, waking from a nightmare about your parents accident. You were too drunk to realize you'd woken up.” I just stared at her with my mouth gaped open. “I know, its lame. I'm sorry, but they were saying horrible things about you and the story just kind of slipped out. It's what I told the teacher too.” She looked worried like she thought I would be mad at her.

I hugged her instead.

“Thank you.” When I let go she only nodded, surprised by my actions. I don't think we had ever hugged before. We got in the car and headed to school.

I couldn’t believe she had stood up for me. I didn't think it was a bad lie, considering what she had to work with. Way better than everyone thinking I belonged in a nut house, which I'm sure most of them still did, and a lot better than them knowing I had an imaginary best friend.

Thinking of Adam made my chest feel like it was caving in. I still refused to believe he was gone.

********

The morning went better than I expected. Mr. Timmons acted as though nothing had happened. The other kids stared and some whispered, but I had expected that.

Jeremy kept trying to get my attention but I ignored him. I wasn't ready to face him. I couldn’t imagine what he must think of me and my actions.

By lunch time I was feeling less nervous. I was definitely getting pointed and stared at but it didn't really bother me.
Well, maybe a little.

It was comforting to sit in my familiar seat in the library. When I went to pull Adam's book out I felt a stab of pain. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I refused to cry today.

I was doing my math homework when Jeremy sat down across from me.

“So, you going to ignore me all day?”

I looked up at him, “I'm just not really sure what to say.”

“You could start by telling me what happened. Not the bullshit excuse your cousin made up, but the truth.”

I shook my head, “I can't.”

He sat staring at me for a moment, “I want you to know I didn't tell anyone what happened outside. I told everyone that by the time I got outside you were gone. I called your house every day but they always said you weren't available to talk. I was going out of my mind with worry. Then you show up today acting like nothing happened, except I can tell you're not okay. You've lost weight, too much weight, you have circles under your eyes, and the color's gone from your face.” He looked down at his hands. “So, I thought maybe if I shared a secret with you then you might feel better about opening up to me.” He looked back at me with hopeful eyes. “Not here of course. Maybe we could meet after school? I could give you a ride home.”

I sat chewing my bottom lip, contemplating what he said.

“Okay, how about this: you come with me, and after I tell you, you can decide if it's worthy of you sharing your secret. No pressure.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” His eyebrows shot up, not sure if I was serious.

“Yes.”
Why am I doing this?
I had no intention of telling him the truth.

He smiled at me, “Meet me at my car after school.”

I don't think he wanted to give me the chance to change my mind because he was up and out the door before I could respond.

Great. What have I gotten myself into?
I wasn't sure why, but I trusted Jeremy. I liked being around him. It wasn't the same as when I was with Adam, but he was still fun to be with.
I'll go and hear his story. He told me there was no pressure. I believe him. No harm in going and listening to what he has to say.

********

Jeremy sat on the trunk of his car waiting for me. My heart pounded harder against my chest with every step I took . By the time I reached him it was drumming in my ears.

He hopped off his car and got in. I opened the passenger side and slid in. We drove in silence to my house, giving me time to breathe and remind myself that he was the one that would be doing the talking.

He parked in front and turned the engine off. He unbuckled his seat to turn his body in my direction.

“It's my fault we had to move,” he began, “When I was a kid, my friends and I got into hacking. Over the years we got good; so good that we got paid to help people out. It started out innocent. By innocent I mean nothing that did any real damage: changing grades for college transcripts and stuff. Then one of my friends started hacking into hospital records to change people's files, approving them for certain drugs. We started heading down a dark path, but all we could see were dollar signs. We were young and stupid, so stupid. Word got around about us, and we found ourselves in deep shit. Certain people didn't appreciate young punks like us taking away their business. Once I realized the attention we were starting to get I backed out, but it wasn't soon enough. They threatened my friends to stop, and to prove how serious they were they
beat the crap
out of a family member that was closest to them,” he stopped to take in a deep breath. “My younger brother paid the price for my dumb ass. I'm lucky they didn't kill him, it was close though. The guilt ate at me. I confessed it all to my parents. They quit their jobs and moved us as far away from New York as they could.”

“Is your brother okay?”

Pain, guilt, sorrow, and fifty other emotions swam across his eyes.

“Yes,” his voice choked on the word. “He's fine physically anyway. He used to worship me, now he refuses to look at me. I deserve his hate.”

We sat in silence as I absorbed what he just told me.

“What about your parents? How do they feel about you?”

He cornered himself between the seat and the door, leaning his head on the window.

“My dad never talks to me except to grill me about my day. We didn't have the greatest relationship to begin with, but now it's nonexistent. My mom tries to pretend nothing happened. She's popping anti-depression pills like they're candy and chasing them back with scotch. We all keep waiting for her to crack.” He took in a long, deep breath. “So there you have it. You were right about me the other day. I do use my looks to my advantage, but when I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself.”

“I know nothing I can say will make you feel any different. I'm more than familiar with carrying around guilt, but I'm glad you told me,” I warmly responded, a half smile on my face.

“Me too, it feels good to have somebody else know my stupidity,” he tried smiling back but it froze mid way up, unable to form.

I picked up his music holder that was lying on the floor, “Got any cool bands in here I might not have heard?”

“Do I! Prepare to be wowed.” He shuffled through his collection and popped one in his stereo.

For the next hour we argued over music and bonded over our favorites. It was a nice distraction from the pain and worry of Adam. I enjoyed being around Jeremy, and knowing his story brought us closer together. We both had pasts that caused us suffering.

“I think we've had enough honesty for today,” he said finally, “but I do want to hear what happened. Do you think we could do this again tomorrow?”

I nodded, looking forward to it. I still wasn't sure if I was ready to tell him, but I had a feeling Jeremy would never pressure me until I was.

It felt good to finally be home. I was exhausted. The emotional roller coaster I'd been on had drained me. I headed straight to my room to start on all the work I had to catch up on. I was half way up the stairs when I felt Adam's energy.
He's back!

I rushed to my room, adrenaline pumping through my veins, but came to a dead stop once I reached the entrance.
Why am I scared?
Part of me was afraid I was wrong and that my room would be empty, the other part re-played the image of Adam right before he disappeared and I was frightened.

I opened the door to find him sitting at the end of my bed with his head in his hands. I wanted to cry and leap for joy at the same time.
Adam is back
.

I clicked the door shut behind me. Adam lifted his head. He looked lost and confused.

“Annie,” he breathed out my name like it was his lifeline.

The tears started falling. I lost all control, “I was so scared. I didn’t know if I'd ever see you again.”

“Please don't cry Annie. It's so hard for me to watch you cry. Please Annie, I'm okay. Confused, but okay. It's so frustrating not being able to hold you right now.”

He was right, that was the hardest part of our relationship. Every fiber of my being wanted to run into his arms and never let go. I wanted to feel his skin on mine, his breath against my hair. I just wanted to
feel
him.

“What happened? I was terrified. One minute you were in agony and the next you were gone. These past eight days have been hell for me.”

“Eight days! Wow, it only feels like hours.” He motioned for me to sit down, “I'll tell you what I can.” I went to his chair and sat. My eyes followed him as he made his way to the bed across from me. “I'm not sure what happened. I was in horrible pain, unimaginable pain. Then all I could see was bright light. Blaring light. It hurt my eyes. I heard voices talking, asking how my vitals were doing and a woman sobbing, asking if I was dead. Then everything went black. When I opened my eyes I was here. I was really gone eight days?”

“Yes,” was all I could say. I was trying to process what he had just told me. The first time this had happened he told me he felt pain and then his whole body went still, he couldn't move. That's why he had fell. Then everything went black and he woke up in my room, thinking it had only been minutes.

“Did you recognize any of the voices?”

“No. Well, the woman's voice was vaguely familiar, but it was to hard to tell through her crying.”

My mind was reeling, trying to sort the pieces together. Shortly after his first disappearance we had started looking into who he might be. We checked obituaries, newspapers, anything that might show of an eight year old boy's death. We had found a few leads, but the boys' pictures never looked like Adam. We figured if he was a ghost then why was he still aging? We never found any answers.

“What do you think happened?”

He ran both hands through his hair, “I have no idea. I can't figure it out. I'm more confused than ever.”

My aunt called up that she was home and had dinner with her. I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to be away from Adam, but I didn't want them to worry.

“Come on, we'll talk more later,” Adam got up and started towards the door.

“You're coming with me?” I couldn't hide my delight. I was sure he'd want to stay up here and think. He turned around and walked right up to me.

“Annie,” his eyes were searching mine, “The whole time I was in pain all I could think of was you. All I ever think of is you. Your smile, your eyes, the way your lips part when you stare at me. I didn’t want this to be it. I needed more time with you. I don't think I could ever have enough time with you. More than anything I wish I could kiss you right now and never stop.”

“I wish you could kiss me too. I want you to hold me so close to your body that I can't tell where I end and you begin. I want to run my fingers through your hair and trail kisses down your neck. I want these things so badly that I can almost taste you.”