“It’s four in the morning.”
“Don’t come. Your call.”
“You’re a tough customer. Anyone ever tell you that?”
I shrugged. I really was hungry, and nothing sounded better than
a little
Kogi
kimchi
right
then.
***
Jonathan was right in mentioning the time. Four in the morning
was pretty late, as evidenced by the fact that he found a place for the car
half a block away. We walked into the lot, against the traffic of twenty and
thirty something partiers as they filtered out, one third more sober than they
had been when they got there, carrying food folded in wax-paper or swishing
around eco-friendly containers. The lot was smallish, being in the middle of
downtown and not in front of a Costco. The only parked vehicles lined the chain
link fence, brightly painted trucks spewing luscious smells from all over the
globe. My
Kogi
truck was there, as well as a gourmet
popcorn truck, artisanal grilled cheese, lobster poppers, ice cream, sushi, and
Mongolian barbecue. The night’s litter dotted the asphalt, hard white from the
brash floodlights brought by the truck owners. The truck stops were informal
and gathered by tweet and rumor. Each truck brought their own tables and
chairs, garbage pail, and lights. The customers came between midnight and
whenever.
I scanned the lot for someone I knew, hoping I’d find someone to
say hello to on one hand and wishing Jonathan and I could stay alone on the
other.
“My
Kogi
truck is over there,” I said.
“I’m going to Korea next week. The last think I need is to fill
up on
Kogi
. Have you had the
Tipo’s
Tacos?”
“Tacos? Really?
“Come on.” He took my hand and pulled me over to the taco truck.
“You’re not a vegetarian or anything?”
“No.”
“
Hola
,
” he said to the guy in the window, who
looked to be about my age or younger with a wide smile and little moustache.
“
Che
tal
?” he continued. That was about the extent of my
Spanish, but not Jonathan’s. He started rattling off stuff, asking questions,
and if the laughter between him and the guy with the little moustache was any
indication,
joking
fluidly. If I’d
closed my eyes, I’d have thought he was a different person.
“You speak Spanish?” I asked.
“You don’t?” Little Moustache asked.
“No.”
He said something to Jonathan, and there was more conversation,
which made me feel left out. They were obviously talking about me.
“He wants to know if you’re as smart as you are beautiful,”
Jonathan said.
“What did you tell him?”
“Prospects are good, but I need time to get to know you better.”
“Anywhere in that conversation, did you order me a
pastor?
”
“Just one?”
“Yes. Just one.”
“They’re small.” He made a circle with his hands, smiling like an
old grandma talking to her granddaughter about being too damn skinny.
I pinched his side, and there wasn’t much to grab. It was hard and
tight. “One,” I said, trying to forget that I’d touched him.
We sat at a long table. A few trucks were breaking down for the
night. There was a feeling of quiet and finality, the feeling he and I had
outlasted the late
nighters
and deep partiers. I finished
my taco in three bites and turned around, putting my back to the table and
stretching my legs.
He took a swig of his water and touched my bicep with his thumb.
“No tattoos?”
“No. Why?”
“I don’t know. Mid-twenties. Musician. Lives in Echo Park. You need
tattoos and piercings to get into that club.”
I shook my head. “I went a few times, but couldn’t commit to
anything. My best friend Gabby has a few. I went with her once, and I couldn’t
decide what to get. And anyway, it would have been awkward.”
“Why?” He was working on his last taco, so I guess I felt like I
should do the talking until he finished.
“She was getting something important. On the inside of her wrist,
she got the words
Never Again
on the
scars she made when she cut herself. I couldn’t diminish it by getting some
stupid thing on me.”
He ate his last bite and balled up his napkin. “What happened
that made her try to commit suicide?”
“We have no idea. She doesn’t even know. Just life.” I wanted to
tell him I’d found her, and been with her in the hospital, and that I took care
of her, but I thought I’d gotten heavy enough. “I have a piercing though,” I
said. “Wanna see?”
“I can see your ears from here.”
I lifted my shirt to show him my navel ring with its little fake
diamond. “Yes, it hurt.”
“Ah,” he said. “Lovely.”
He touched it, then spread his fingers over my stomach. His
pinkie grazed the top of my waistband, and I took in a deep gasp. He put a
little pressure toward him on my waist, and I followed it, kissing him deeply.
His stubble scratched my lips and his tongue tasted of the water he’d just
drunk. I put my hands on his cheeks, weaving my fingers in his hair.
It was sweet, and doomed, and pointless, but it was late, and he
was handsome and funny. I may not have been interested in having a boyfriend,
but I wasn’t made of stone.
When Little Moustache had to break down the table, we had to
admit it was time to go. The sky had gone from navy to cyan, and the air warmed
with the appearance of the first arc of the sun.
We got to his car
before he had to feed the meter. We didn’t say anything as he pulled into the
parking lot at the Stock and went down two stories to my lonely Honda, sitting
in the employee section. I opened the door with a clack that echoed in the
empty underground lot.
“Thanks,” he said. “I’ll probably see you at the hotel sometime.”
“We can pretend this never happened.”
“Up to you.” He touched my cheek with his fingertips, and I felt
like an electrical cable to my nervous system went live. “I wouldn’t mind
finishing the job.”
“Let’s not promise each other anything.”
“All right. No promises,” he said.
“No lies,” I replied.
“See you around.”
We parted without a good-bye kiss.
***
Gabby and I lived in the house I grew up in, which was on the
second steepest hill in Los Angeles. When my parents moved, they let me live in
the house for rent that equaled the property taxes plus utilities. I was sure
I’d never need to move. I had two bedrooms and a little yard. The house had
been a worthless piece of crap in a bad neighborhood when they bought it in the
1980s. Now it had a cardiologist to the west of it and a converted Montessori
school that cost $1,800 a month to the east.
The night Jonathan Drazen took me up to Mulholland Drive, I
returned to find Darren sleeping on my couch. We had agreed to not leave Gabby
alone until we knew she was okay, and she’d gotten no better after a week on
her meds. The first blue light of morning came through the drapes, so I could
see well enough to step around the pizza box he’d left on the floor and get
into the bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror. The convertible had wreaked
havoc with my hair and my makeup was gone, probably all over Jonathan
Drazen’s
face.
I still felt his touch: his lips on my neck, his hands feeling my
breasts through my shirt. My fingers traced where his had been, and my snatch
felt like an overripe fruit. I stuck my hand in my jeans, one knee on the
toilet bowl, and came so fast and hard under the ugly fluorescent lights that
my back arched and I moaned at my own touch. It was a waste of time. I wanted
him as much after I came as I did before.
My God, I thought, how did I do this to myself? What have I
become?
I needed to never see him again. I didn’t need his lips or his
firm hands. If I needed to take care of my body’s needs, I could find a man
easily enough. I didn’t need one so pissed at his ex-wife he’d make me fall in
love with him before apologizing for leading me on. He wanted to hurt women,
and nothing froze my creative juices like heartache. No, I decided as I went
back out to the kitchen, anyone but Jonathan.
Darren was already making coffee.
“Where were you?” he asked. “It’s six thirty already.”
“Driving all over the west side with I-won’t-say.”
“Mister Gorgeous?” He said it without jealousy or teasing.
“Yep.”
“He’s nice to you?”
“He wants to sleep with me, so it’s hard to say if he’s being
nice or being manipulative,” I said. “How’s Gabby?”
“Same.” He got out two cups and a near-dead carton of
half-and-half. “She’s volatile, then deadened. She started shaking because she
wasn’t playing last night. Missed opportunity and all that. Then she rocked
back and forth for half an hour.”
“Did you sit her at the piano?”
“Yeah, that worked. We need something to happen for her.”
“She’ll still be who she is,” I said. “She could play the Staples
Center, and she’d be this way.”
“But she could afford to get care, the right meds, maybe therapy.
Something.” I nodded. He was right. They were stymied by poverty. “And
Vinny
? I haven’t heard a damn thing from that guy. I tried
calling him and his mailbox is full.” He was losing his shit, standing there
with a coffee cup in his hand.
“We have six more months on our contract with him and we’re out,”
I said.
“She doesn’t have six months, Mon.”
“Okay, I get it.” I held him by the biceps and looked him in the
face.
“She’s like she was the last time, when you found her. I don’t
want—“
“Darren! Stop!”
But it was too late. The stress of the evening had gotten to him.
He blinked hard and tears dripped down his cheeks. I put my arms around him,
and we held each other in the middle of the kitchen until the coffee maker
beeped. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, still holding the empty cup. “I’m
working the music store this morning. Will you stay with her until rehearsal?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I shower here? My water heater’s busted.”
“Knock yourself out. Just hang the towel.”
He strode out of the kitchen, and I was left there with our
dripping sink and filthy floor. The roof leaked, and the foundation was cracked
from the last earthquake swarm. It had been nice to sit in that Mercedes and
drive around with someone who never spent a minute agonizing about money. It
had been nice to not worry about anything but physical pleasure and what to do
with it for a couple of hours. Real nice.
Darren’s laptop was on the kitchen table, set to some
Protunes
thing he probably hadn’t gotten a chance to touch
in the middle of taking care of Gabby. I fixed my coffee and slid into the
chair, opening the internet browser. We stole bandwidth from the Montessori
school during off hours, so I checked my email. I remembered my conversation
with Jonathan about his ex-wife, so I did a search for her: Jessica Carnes.
I got a different set of pictures than Darren had shown us the other
day. Jessica was an abstract and conceptual artist. Searching under Google
Images brought back a treasury of pictures of the artist and her art, which
despite Kevin schooling me in the vocabulary of the visual arts, I didn’t get
at all.
Jessica had long blond hair and an Ivory Girl complexion. She
might have worn a stitch of makeup and maybe used hot rollers. She wore nice
flats, but flats nonetheless. Her skirts were long and her demeanor was modest.
She was my exact opposite. I had long brown hair and black eyes. I wore makeup,
tight jeans, short skirts, and the highest heels I could manage. And black. I
wore a lot of black, a color I hadn’t given a thought to until I saw Jessica in
every cream, ecru, and pastel on the palette.
On page three, I came across a wedding photo. I clicked through.
The page had been built by her agent, and it showed a beachside
extravaganza the likes of which I could only aspire to waitress. I scrolled
down, looking for his face. I found him here and there with people I didn’t
know or side-by-side with his bride. A picture at the bottom stopped me. I
sighed as if the air had been forced out of my lungs by an outside force.
Jessica and Jonathan stood together, separated from the crowds. Her back was
three-quarters to the camera, and he faced her. He was speaking, his eyes
joyous, happy, his face an open book about love. He looked like a different man
with his fingertips resting on Jessica’s collarbone. I knew exactly how that
touch felt, and I envied that collarbone enough to snap the laptop closed.
CHAPTER 6.
I tapped my foot. Studio time was bought by the hour and not
cheap, yet Gabby and I were the only ones there. She was at the piano, of
course, running her fingers over the keys with her usual brilliance, but it was
only therapy, not real practice. Darren’s drums took twenty minutes to set up.
The chitchat and apologies would take another fifteen minutes, and I still had
to practice some dumb standards for the solo gig at Frontage that night.
I sat on a wooden bench facing the glass separating the studio
from the control room. The room stank of cigarettes and human funk. The
soundproofing on the walls and ceiling was foam, porous by necessity, and thus
holding cells for germs and odor. Though I thought I’d rubbed away the ache
Jonathan had caused, I woke up with it, and good scrub and an arched back in
the shower did nothing to dispel the feel of him. I needed to get to work.
Letting this guy under my skin was counterproductive already.
I whispered, “I’ve got you, under my skin.” Then I sang,
I’ve got you, deep in the heart of me. So
deep in my heart, that you’re really a part of me.