Beautiful Things Never Last (30 page)

             
“Do you regret it? I mean really? Not the part about getting caught, but do you honestly regret going?”

             
“No question.”
I’ll regret getting on the damned plan
e
for the rest of my life.
“I regret not calling her more wh
ile
she was gone. I regret going to Georgia. I regret it all…”

             
“I have a theory,” Shayna says.

             
“Of course you do,” I mumble.

             
“I think you pushed her away on purpose.”

             
“Why the hell would I do that?”

             
“I think you pushed her away so that she’d cling to you. I think you wanted her to need you again.
I mean,
forget the fact that
you r
an
across the country to be there for Caroline
.Even just the little stuff. Coming home late?
Sneaking out in the middle of the night to take pictures?”

             
“I can’t sleep,” I say.

             
“Nope, I think there’s more to it. I think you have to keep moving because you’re trying
to mask your own issues.
”

             
“Which are?”

             
“That
you grew up in this super strict environment, controlled by your anal-as-hell mom, and now it’s
basically
impossible for you to figure out how to treat yourself well. So you spend your time trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of.
Or, running around at night taking pictures of hobos or whatever it is that you’re calling art these days.
”

             
Right now, I really think that expensive-ass USC education that Shayna’s parents are footing the bill for may actually be worthwhile.

             
“
And
, because you asked, yes, I
think s
he’ll forgive your
sorry
ass,” Shayna says just as Carter walks back in. She looks at him and smiles before adding, “
If for no other reason
than
you’re
really
freaking sexy, Ben.”

             
She throws her head
back as
Carter shakes his at her, and
I’m suddenly jealous of the casual,
and
secure relationship these two have.
And I realize that I had that all along. That Quinn never gave me shit about my late nights, and maybe Shayna’s right. Maybe somewhere inside I wanted her to. Maybe I wanted to hear that it was hard when I was gone. Maybe after all the shit that we went through last year had settled, I didn’t know how to just relax with Quinn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

             
“Knock, knock,” Quinn’s voice wakes me up the second it penetrates my eardrums.

             
“Hey,” I say, flinging myself up to sitting position. I alternate pulling each of my arms in front of my body, trying to stretch the best I can. Carter’s couch was not made for someone my size, but I guess it’s a decent punishment for what I put Quinn through.

             
“Sorry to wake you,” she says, glancing furtively around
the room
.

             
“Carter and Shayna left early this morning, if that’s what you’re wondering,” I say.

             
“Oh, okay, good.
Did you sleep okay?” she asks. Her restless fingers tug at the end of her loose pony-tail. I hate that she’s nervous. I hate that this is where we are. Again. Because of me.
I never thought I’d be the one to bring us to this place, that I’d be the asshole that pushed us here. After all of my promises to her about how I’d take care of her, and love her, and this is where we’re at.

             
I shrug, “I’m fine. How are you?”

             
“I’ve been better
.
”
S
he forces a smile, but
I can tell she’s
not even
putting in a
half effort, because her jaw still looks tense when she does it.

             
“I know.” I get up off of the couch and sit on the arm instead, making a small move to be closer to her, even if it’s just another foot
neare
r.

             
“I wanted to apologize,” she says, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear
. That.T
hat place on her neck, that’s my favorite place.

             
“Quinn, what the hell are you apologizing for?”

             
“Just,” she begins. She holds her hand up so I know that she’s thinking about her wording
and that I need to give her a minute to sort it all out
. “What I said about you not meaning anything to me?”

             
Hearing her repeat it hurts almost as bad as the first time
she said it.

             
“I didn’t mean that. Of course, I didn’t mean it.”
             
“I know,” I say. I’m shocked that she’s here. Apologizing for saying what she did. And instead of making me feel better, it makes me feel even guiltier. Bec
ause Quinn has actually changed.
S
he’s
grown
, and I should have
been
giv
ing
her more credit all this time.
I should have trusted that she would be better off knowing where I went while she was in Italy. That she wouldn’t crumble. But I didn’t.

             
“I said some pretty shitty things, too,” I say, remembering the barbed words I
hurled at her. “I know I’m a fuck up, Quinn, but god, I love you.”

             
“I know,” she says. And it’s almost as if my ears don’t believe it when she says it, because it’s just too damn good to be true.
Because more than anything, I
just
want her to believe that.

             
“But, I still can’t do this right now. I just need some time, you know? I fe
el so fucking hurt and confused.A
nd I don’t understand why, if you love me, you would have r
u
n off to be with her—”

             
“I didn’t leave to
be
with her.”

             
“
Just l
et me think
on things, okay?
I’ve got to go now, though. I have some
things to do since I’ve been gone for so long…”

             
She tugs on her navy blue sweater. It’s a simple thing, but I know it’s because she’s nervous and I hate that we’re back at this awkward place. I have to fix this.

             
“Fair enough,” I say. “Can I at least buy you dinner?”

             
“I don’t know.
I just feel like if we’re together right now, it’s going to turn into a fight, and I really don
’t want to fight with you, Ben. B
ecause no matter what I said last night, I love you.”

             
And I know that it took everything in her to open her heart enough to say those words
,
especially since
I
’d
just crushed it.

             
“
Quinn,
I could apologize
every day for the rest of my life. I can beg you to forgive me.
Again
. Or, I can hopefully remind you why we love each other. Can we just go back to that for a little while?
”

             
She taps her keys against her leg and rolls her neck around. Thinking.

             
“
It’s just dinner.
”

             
Quinn
blows out a long breath.
“
Fine.
Come by the apartment tomorrow at
seven
. W
e can have dinner,” she says.

             
I know her, and I know
that right now,
she’s fighting that twitch of a smile in the corner of her mouth
.A
nd that in itself feels like a damn victory.

Twenty

B
EN

I
’m waiting at our apartment door at six-forty-two. I’m early. I had to be. I couldn’t stand sitting in Carter’s place a minute longer knowing that those were minutes that I could be with Quinn. But now that I’m standing here, I’m wondering if it was a mistake to show up early. Will she even let me in? Will it piss her off that I can’t even follow simple directions?

             
I knock lightly and hold my breath.

             
“Hey,” she says. Quinn pulls open the door, dressed casually and with one Chuck Taylor on, one in her hand. “You’re early.”
             
“I know. I could come up with some lame excuse about why, but really, I just missed you. If you want I can wait out here if you’re not ready.”

             
She shakes her head and gives me a small smile.

             
“No, come in. I’ll let it slide this time
.
Y
ou still pay half the rent, after all.”