Banging Reaper (15 page)

I know I'm not thinking clearly as I swing around a bend in the road close to my house and hear the tires squealing out as I push the peddle down hard. I blow past the street my house is on and continue to drive out of the city.

I keep my eyes on the road with one hand on the wheel and one hand on my cell phone. I keep hoping to feel my phone buzz because my music is so damn loud I can't hear the outside world. I need the noise, I need the
loud
because all these rambling, crazy fucking thoughts in my head just won't stop. I keep seeing those green eyes of hers tearing up and it's ripping me apart. I feel like some little bitch. I have never allowed myself to get this deep with a girl before.

I have seen my father and what happens when you allow someone to get that close. I have never felt like this, and what is so damn fucked up is that it hasn't even been some two year long relationship that has me all fucked up, it's only been a few weeks. I am completely fucking screwed. I didn’t lie to her when I said I love you. I was telling her the God’s honest truth.

That thought has me shaking my head. It’s completely true and I realize it’s really fucking sad. I have a year until I hit the big three-o, and I've said I love you to one person: My dad. Well, two if I count telling Avery in anger before I blew out of her apartment.

I'm not sure why I came here, I didn’t consciously choose it, but it's where I always come when I need someone to talk to. I pull up to my dad's house, and it's probably the best place I could end up. I need to get off the road before I get picked up for reckless driving. The last fucking thing I need right now is a stint in jail.

After I knock on the door, I just walk into the house and yell out for him. “Dad, it's me!”

“Hey Me, come on in!” he yells back.

I walk into the living room and see him sitting on the couch with his leg in a traction machine that bends and flexes to maintain his mobility.

“I fucked up,” I say and slump down in the recliner.

Dad immediately switches the television off and looks at my face. I guess I'm not hiding my emotions very well because he looks at me with some concern.

“Fucked up how?”

“I paid off Avery's college tuition for the rest of the year.”

I begin to ramble as I spill my guts out about Avery. I tell him everything. I feel almost like a man confessing to his priest. I tell him all about Ethan and his job offer and I tell him about how she has already refused to let me help her out.

“Did she ask you to do that?” he asks, referring to me paying off her tuition.

“No.”

“What was your reasoning then?” His eyebrows scrunch together while he awaits my answer.

“I wanted her to not be so damn stressed out about money. I didn’t want her to have to take a job she absolutely should not take.”

“So you went behind her back and paid her college tuition without her permission? You put her in debt to you?”

“No! I mean… well, kinda. She thinks it’s a debt she has to pay off, but I could give two shits about the money or if she ever pays it back.” I say, mad at him for seeing what I didn't, and at her for taking it as a stupid fucking debt.

“You told me yourself she doesn't come from money and that you think she is probably a pay day away from losing her apartment. She has wolves already circling her, and while you may have been doing what you did with the best intentions, she probably has never seen free kindness, except for her grandmother.”

“But I didn't do this as some way of making her beholden to me, I wish she could see that.”

“She probably does understand that, but you didn't tell her. Whether it was for a good reason, it doesn't matter to her, you broke her trust. Remember she has a wolf circling around her and trying to get her to do his bidding all the time.”

“Fuck.”

“Yep.”

I slump further into the recliner and close my eyes. “I fucked up, but I would still do it again. She shouldn't have to be stressed like that for money, and it’s not like I was going to use it for anything. I know I could be considered a rich boy, but I don't try to waste my money. I thought I was making a smart investment in putting money towards our future. She wants to graduate college so she can do something with her life and help people. I want to make her my one and only, and that old adage of happy wife, happy life...”

“Happy yes, but you probably scared her into thinking you wanted leverage over her.”

“So what do I do?”

“Well, son, I think all you can do is to stay true to your word, give her the space she wants and hope it works out.”

“Fuck.”

After pushing Chase away, I’ve had an epiphany:
Chase Winters is too good for me.

It’s something I’ve been carrying around inside me since the night he rescued me but I was too afraid to acknowledge. I felt it that night he rushed over to pick me up for the date, afraid he wouldn’t like me for who I really am. But I allowed myself to get swept up in the fantasy for a little while. Even thinking about it now, it feels as if it was some kind of fairy tale. I let myself pretend that it could work, and that it was all real.

That a guy like him, who has everything going for him could like a girl like me…. a girl who has nothing.

So after I spend a couple of days feeling sorry for myself and crying because I’m such a dumbass who ruins all the good things, I stop my little pity party and accept Ethan’s job offer. This is the way it has to be. This is the way it was always going to be. Chase and I are from two separate worlds, cut from different cloth. We wouldn’t have worked. It’s almost better that I freaked out before we went too far.

Almost.

Today’s my first day of work with Ethan. I’m to be his administrative assistant and after hashing out the details last night through texts, I’m expected to be at his office by 9 am sharp. I hate being late so I arrive a few minutes early. Ethan’s office is located on the upper floor of a small business complex on the nicer side of the city. It’s a long bus ride to get here, but the pay is so good I’m hoping in a couple of months I’ll be able to save up for my own car.

Ethan is nowhere to be seen when I walk in. There’s an empty desk and two chairs just inside the door. The office itself is rather bland, done in beige and ugly brown. Behind the desk is another door with a golden placard that reads
Ethan Bennett
. That must be Ethan’s actual office which means the empty desk is mine. Knowing I’m a few minutes early, I sit down on the little swivel chair behind the desk and settle in.

Ethan doesn’t show up for two hours.

“Avery,” Ethan smiles as he breezes into the office. He’s wearing a grey suit and looks every inch a respectable businessman.

I stand from my chair but can’t quite smile at him because I’m irritated. Ethan walks up to me and pulls me into a hug without asking.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he apologizes and leans back, giving me a sheepish smile. “Forgive me?”

I sigh at him then nod my head, letting go of the irritation. It won’t matter in the future if he’s late. It only sucks today because I had nothing to do.

Ethan takes a step back but his hands linger on my shoulders longer than necessary. “I’ve missed you,” he says and his baby blue eyes search my face for any sign that I missed him too.

I hesitate and resist the urge to bite my lip before telling him, “I missed you, too.” It’s not a complete lie, I’m telling the truth a little. It’s only that I miss the old Ethan, my old best friend I could count on. Not this new Ethan that’s standing in front of me and looking so hopeful.

“Good,” he grins, flashing me his winning smile. He jerks his head towards his office door and asks me, “Ready to get started?”

I nod my head and follow him into his office after he unlocks the door.

Ethan flips on the light and spreads his arms. “Make yourself comfortable.”

I look around Ethan’s office, not knowing what to think of it. Instead of a professional environment with things like plants and stuff related to his father’s business, it seems Ethan has turned the space into a place to hang out.

There’s a large black leather couch positioned in front of a flat screen mounted to the wall. There’s a desk, yes, but it’s covered in bottles that were never returned to the wet bar. In one corner is a punching bag hanging from the ceiling, and on the wall near the punching bad are framed news articles of him and his MMA exploits. In the opposite corner is a weight lifting machine.

Now that I get a good whiff of the room, it definitely smells like a gym in here.

“Um,” I say, a little amused and confused as I walk forward. “This is where you work?”

Ethan laughs and nods his head. “Yeah, it’s great isn’t it?” He walks over to his desk and points towards the couch. “That pulls out into a bed if you feel like taking a nap.”

My eyes widen and I shake my head. I don’t care how tired I am, I am never ever taking a nap in here.

Ethan smirks at my reaction and picks a bottle up off his desk. “Want a drink?”

“Is that a trick question?” I ask him while walking up to the desk.

“Relax, Ave, I’m not trying to trick you so I can fire you.” He twists the cap off the bottle and lifts it to his lips. After gulping down a few swallows he pulls the bottle away with a hiss and smile. “See.”

I nod at him but don’t accept the bottle. I’m in no mood to drink. Now that I’m actually here, about to work for Ethan, I know I’ve made a mistake. This is such a bad idea. What the fuck am I doing?

Ethan doesn’t work. You can tell just from the look of this place. He pretends and for whatever reason, he wants me to pretend with him.

My eyes wander over the desk. It’s covered in half empty liquor bottles, brochures, and one framed photo.

“Is that us?” I ask pointing at the photo.

Ethan nods at me, his smile growing wider.

I pick up the dark frame. “I remember this. This was my graduation.” I look down at the photo. I look so happy. I just graduated so I’m wearing my blue cap and gown. I had my entire life ahead of me, the world was full of wonderful possibilities. If I worked hard enough, I knew I could change my destiny. Ethan is hugging me, we’re both beaming. We both look so young though it was only two and a half years ago.

“Your grandmother snapped the picture,” Ethan says softly.

I nod, feeling a sharp pain as I remember. Even now I miss her. I wonder what she would say to me, what she would think of me hooking up with Chase then going to work for Ethan. I sigh, feeling entirely too melancholy now. I set the photo back down.

“Is this the only picture you have?” I ask, looking for other photos.

“It’s my favorite,” Ethan answers honestly. “The only one worth keeping around.”

I peek back up at his face and his eyes are burning into me. I shift, growing uncomfortable under his stare. Afraid that he’s about to say something or do something that will force me to turn him down, I reach my hand out and grab his bottle.

At first Ethan looks surprised then he smiles. Relaxing his grip, he gives up the bottle. He watches me far too closely, too intently as I tip the liquor back and take a deep swallow. It burns all the way down.

“So,” I ask, wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand. “What exactly are my job responsibilities as your administrative assistant? No offense,” I say, my eyes sliding around the room. “But it doesn’t look like you do a lot of work around here.”

Ethan laughs then pulls up the sleeve of his suit to glance at his watch. “You’re right. I don’t do a lot of work around here. Most of my work is done at the gym.”

“So? What do you need me here for?”

“I need you to help me, Avery. Here,” Ethan digs around in his pocket and pulls out a phone. He tosses the phone at me and not expecting it, I almost drop it. “If this phone rings you answer it and take a message.”

I frown down at the phone. “Okay… Anything else?”

Ethan nods. “Yeah, I had you meet me here so you could get a look at the place. We’re here when I’m not training for a fight. Since I’m in training now though, I’ll need you at the gym with me.”

“At the gym? Why?”

Ethan leans over the desk and snatches the bottle from my hand. He grins before drinking deeply from it. “Because you’re still my lucky charm, Avery.”

My face falls and I feel like all the blood just drained out of me. “Ethan,” I say in disbelief. Is he serious?

“Shit,” Ethan says, realizing his mistake. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to tease.”

I lay the new phone down on the desk and cross my arms over my chest. Just remembering that night, remembering Ethan coming at me, screaming
You owe me
, makes me feel uneasy.

“This was a mistake.”

“No, Avery, it’s not a mistake,” Ethan insists.

I shake my head and glance down at the picture. “You’ve changed. I’ve changed. This isn’t going to work. Why are we even doing this?”

“Avery…” Ethan pleads and I look back up at him. I know he wants me to stop, I know he doesn’t like where this is going but I’ve already started and I mean to see it to the finish.

“Why are you doing this Ethan? What do you want from me?”

“I want to take care of you,” Ethan answers honestly. “As much as you’ll let me.”

“Why?” I ask, searching his eyes. But I already know, the answer is right there. It’s always been there but I’ve been too much of a coward to face it.

Ethan licks his lips nervously, and he almost takes another drink from his bottle but must think better of it. He sets the bottle down on the table and says, “Because you’re my friend.”

“Is that all we are? Just friends?”

I watch something shift in Ethan’s eyes. There’s this heart wrenching moment of vulnerability, where I can see how much he cares for me. And it hurts, it makes me feel like a bitch that I don’t feel the same way. I’ve friendzoned him, perhaps I even taken advantage of him. Allowing this to continue is not only punishing him, it’s punishing me.

I’ve thought about it before, about trying to love Ethan. I’ve thought about it many times. And there’s been times when I felt like there was something wrong with me. Something must be missing inside me because he’s so hot and all the other girls have no problem going gaga for him. And if all the girls love him then I’m the one who must be fucked up.

I’m the one to blame.

Ethan is beautiful, he is, though even now I look at him and he’s just not as beautiful as Chase. But I can appreciate the beauty, I can understand the appeal. I just can’t get my body or my heart to feel the same way. It’s not there, the spark or the pull. Whatever invisible force that overwhelms you and makes you go crazy for a person. When it comes to Ethan it’s just missing, there’s no link between him and me.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” I say.

The look of vulnerability vanishes and Ethan stiffens as if I just hurt him

Once again I feel like crying because this is it. This is the end of our friendship. And now, without Ethan, I have no one left. I’ve already pushed away Chase.

After a tense, silent moment, Ethan narrows his eyes in anger and frowns at me. “What are you going to do?”

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? What am I going to do? I don’t think I can go running back to Chase. Not after all the things I said to him. Not after realizing I’m not good enough for him.

I don’t have an answer right now so I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, I’ll figure out something.”

“If you leave now it puts me in a bind.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologize. “I don’t want to put you in a bind. I didn’t know it was going to turn out this way.”

Ethan yanks up his sleeve and checks his watch again as if he’s worried he’ll late for something. He scowls then looks back at me. “Can you at least give me two weeks? I think two weeks notice is standard practice. I’ll need to find someone to take your place.”

I hesitate, about to shake my head and tell him
no, sorry.

“Two weeks. Just two weeks, Avery,” Ethan asks me while leaning over the desk, his eyes now pleading me.

And, perhaps it’s because I already feel guilty for letting this crap between us go on as long as it has, or perhaps it’s because I still feel indebted to him for everything he’s done for me, going against my better judgement I relent.

“Two weeks,” I tell him and mean it. He’s got two weeks and that’s it.

Ethan smiles and sighs, obviously relieved. “Thanks, Ave. You’re a babe.”

I grimace but he doesn’t appear to be disturbed by it. He reaches into his pocket and fishes out a set of keys.

“We need to head over to the gym.” He tosses the keys at me. “Do you mind driving?”