Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose (10 page)

I didn’t consider asking Val to move to L.A. It wasn’t an option for him if he wanted to continue to play in the NHL. He couldn’t very well demand a trade to the Los Angeles Kings. He played for the Montreal Canadiens, so we needed to live in Montreal. It also didn’t occur to me to ask him, “Would you consider not working? Would you give up playing hockey so I can stay in L.A. and work?” I was marrying a professional athlete, for goodness sake. What twenty-year-old woman wouldn’t love that? I certainly did, and it was definitely part of the attraction.

It’s not that I didn’t want to work, because I did. I had been working my whole life, and I couldn’t imagine not doing so in the future. I figured the opportunities would be there and I would fly to L.A. whenever I got auditions and it would all work out. However, things were a little tougher than I had thought they would be. I did work on a couple of TV movies before I got pregnant with Natasha, but life as a hockey wife wasn’t really what I had imagined it would be and was nothing like what I was used to.

Have you ever trained or worked toward something your whole life, only to eventually be kept from doing it? As much as I was looking forward to my new role as wife, cheerleader, and homemaker, I felt like the wind had been knocked out from me when I couldn’t work anymore. It’s not that I found my value or worth from my work, but it was a creative outlet, a part of me that God specifically designed that was suddenly gone. It felt like I lost a piece of me.

At the time, Montreal was a hot spot for making movies, but I couldn’t just simply audition and get offered a job there. Because of my American citizenship, I couldn’t work without a visa, and with taxes and residency issues it all became very complicated. I thought about volunteering at a hospital or nonprofit organization, but I was easily recognizable and any help I could have given would have been more trouble for them than it was worth.

So things weren’t working out the way I wanted them to on the job front, and friendships were a little difficult to establish too. I wasn’t sure what the other hockey wives thought about me. Walking into the wives’ room after my first games was almost frightening. I don’t think I had seen so much Chanel, Versace, and Louis Vuitton in Hollywood. The women were nice, but I felt like a teenager playing grown up, and even though I’d traveled the world and was mature, it didn’t make me feel any more confident when I was there. Being a celebrity made it even more uncomfortable and it was hard to find my place. Some of the ladies were veterans, having husbands who’d been in the league for years. Others were players’ girlfriends, and it was easy to see the difference between a high school sweetheart and a short-term girlfriend. I didn’t quite fit in with any of them. My insecurities and shyness were sometimes interpreted as arrogant, but I managed to make a few new buddies quickly by asking simple questions about where the cool places were to eat or shop. Eventually those questions turned into asking where to find a good dry cleaner, grocery store, or gym. Though I knew it would take some time, I kept plugging away at trying to establish friendships.

I think one of the hardest things about moving is the relationship aspect. You leave friends behind and you have to make new ones in your new city. Some of the old pals will prove to be lifelong friends, as will some of the new ones. But I’ve discovered that much of the emotional turmoil connected with moving is the loss or changing of relationships. When I moved to Canada, I still had my family and friends in California that I could talk to on the phone and visit on occasion, but I really missed being around people who really knew me. There’s something about being in the physical presence of those who know you well that lifts you up more than just talking on the phone can often do. We all need friends who can be there for us in person, to see how we’re doing, to do things for and with us, and to hold us accountable when we start to stray off the right path. It can be scary to put ourselves out there, but if we don’t, we won’t know what we’re losing out on.

Food Is Not the Answer

As a result of my insecurities about work, a lack of good friends nearby, and the huge life changes I had recently experienced, I became lonely and depressed. On a typical day I would get up, sit around the house for awhile, work out, eat lunch with Val if he wasn’t on the road, watch soap operas in the afternoons, sit around some more, and eat.

If you’ve read my first book,
Reshaping It All,
you know my battle with bulimia began during those early days in Montreal. My eating disorder was not based on body image issues or a desire to lose weight. You would assume that I had been pressured about my weight during
Full House,
but I wasn’t. Perhaps my mom shielded me from any potential dangers, or maybe everyone was just fine with me being cute little chubby-cheeked D.J. Tanner. Whatever the case, bulimia wasn’t a Hollywood issue for me. It was simply my way of coping with adjustment and fear
after
I left Hollywood and wasn’t sure who I was anymore. My life was unrecognizable, so I tried to find emotional comfort in food.

To some extent, we all have an emotional relationship with food. Many people are able to keep that relationship a healthy one; I was not one of those fortunate souls. At first I only did it when Val was on the road, like it was an illicit affair. I would sit alone in front of the TV in our apartment and simply eat. I would eat and eat and eat until I was disgusted with myself. In order to alleviate the guilt and disgust I felt at my binging, I would purge. I let my emotions dictate what I ate. Can you relate? Do you eat cake when you’re happy? Maybe you scarf down a carton of ice cream when you’re lonely, or you gorge yourself on candy when you’re bored.

With most things we do in secret, we get bolder and more wrapped up in what we’re doing, and we eventually get caught. My dad was the one who discovered my secret shame, and I was distraught by how much it hurt him to see me in such pain and confusion. I had never intended for my actions to hurt my loved ones, but they had. The discovery—and the embarrassment and shame that went along with it—was one of the turning points in my battle with bulimia, but my emotional struggles with food still cropped up.

Strong emotions can lead us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. In my loneliness, I recognized that I had a void in my life, I tried to fill it with food, and I became a slave to that food. What I didn’t realize then was that the only thing that could truly satisfy me and break the bonds of my unhealthy habit was a relationship with Jesus Christ. Instead of turning to food for comfort, I should have been turning to God. He is our ultimate source of joy, freedom, strength, calm, healing, and comfort. He will deliver us from the things that hold us captive, as we read in Psalm 18:2: “The L
ord
is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

I’ve also learned that God has an interest in what or how we eat. We rarely think about this, because everyone has to eat. It’s a necessary part of life that we just take for granted. But God does care about what we eat and He desires to be present in that aspect of our lives. He wants us to be healthy, and He wants us to be self-disciplined not just in our eating habits but in all that we do. I was not disciplined in eating; in fact, I was committing the sin of gluttony. I needed to make better choices in order to be obedient to God and to live a healthier life.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please tell a friend and seek help. It is not healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Eating disorders and the abuse of food will slowly destroy you, and if it goes on too long it can prove fatal. I do not wish that for anyone. There is help, and there is freedom from this food slavery. Do whatever you need to do to move toward a healthier lifestyle.

The Foundation of Balance

During those early years of marriage, I had no foundation and no sense of direction or purpose, which is what made identifying what I should be balancing so difficult—and you really need to know what your priorities should be in order to balance them. Though I did seem to have more direction in my life once I had my kids, I didn’t really feel like I had a firm foundation to stand on until I truly began to follow Jesus Christ, the true foundation. First Corinthians 3:11 says, “For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” Anything we try to use as a foundation—whether it’s work, food, another person, or anything else—will ultimately fail. It might seem to work for a time, but it won’t last. Only Jesus will last, and He will be there not just for this lifetime, but also for eternity.

If you find yourself in a similar state of an unbalanced life, I encourage you to go to Jesus to find a sense of stability, direction, purpose, and balance. He will guide you where you need to be. He will help you reorder your priorities, evaluate your life, and create a sense of balance for you and those who depend on you.

The fact that I am writing a book about balance does not mean that I always have it all together. I don’t. Sometimes I get too caught up in one aspect of my life and the neglect of others. It’s not uncommon for me to find myself putting work at a higher priority than it should be. Other times I get so busy that friendships take a back seat. But it usually doesn’t take long before I realize it or one of my friends or family members points it out to me. (You have to love accountability!) And if it takes me too long, something will happen that I just know is God telling me to stop and take stock of what I’m doing.

When I recognize that things are spinning out of control and nothing is in balance, the first thing I do is pray and read God’s Word. Philippians 4:6–7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I often feel like a failure when I realize that I’m not living the way God wants me to, but God always brings me peace, gives me the reassurance that He loves me, and helps me to think clearly so that I can begin to get things back on track. God doesn’t “magically” just make things okay, though. I have to work at it, but if I ask Him, He will give me the strength and ability to make wise decisions about where my priorities should be and how I need to keep things balanced for myself and for my family.

Chapter 9

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Trust in the L
ord
with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.

—Proverbs 3:5–6 (
hcsb
)

I
f you want to start a fight and end friendships, initiate a debate about working moms versus stay-at-home moms in a room with a mixed crowd. There’s not much that can get a mom more fired up than to have someone tell her that her decision to work or to stay home with the kids is the wrong choice.

I’m not here to try to win you over to one side or the other. I’ve lived on both sides, and I’ve loved and disliked aspects of both. When it came down to it, each decision was about evaluating our situation in that specific time and season of my life and figuring out what I needed to do in order to create the best sense of balance I could within my family. I’ve learned that with God’s help, I can always discover the best path to take. He will open and close the right doors if I trust Him and seek His wisdom and guidance.

Some of you have already had to make that decision; others will have to make it soon, and still others may never have to make it. Whichever situation you’re in, I believe this chapter has something for you. Hopefully it will give you a better understanding of how the uniqueness of each individual and family is what drives their decisions in all aspects of life. We are all different, and we should make the wisest decisions possible and do the best we can with what God has given us.

And Baby Makes Three . . . and Four . . . and Five

Val and I made the decision to have kids while we were young, so in 1998, two years after we were married, Natasha was born. Just as she was in my womb, Natasha came out fighting after twenty-two hours of labor. But, my goodness, was she ever beautiful! She looked like a little porcelain doll with her eyes wide open. And still at fifteen years old, she can be as sweet and precious as ever, but she will fight to the death over whatever she’s after.

Lev came along in 2000, cool as a cucumber with a scrunchy, pudgy face. He was a shocking difference compared to Natasha and I don’t know that he opened his eyes for a few days. It looked like he ate a sour lemon and couldn’t get rid of the aftertaste! However, it didn’t take long for him to grow into his good looks with those striking blue eyes, blonde hair, and muscular lean build. He definitely takes after his dad! If Val thinks he’s going to have it tough with Natasha’s boyfriends, I’ll be equally as passionate warding off the girls after Lev’s heart.

Two years later Maks rounded out our family of five. My “baby” came into the world as the smallest of the three, but he is now not only physically the biggest but he also has the biggest and liveliest personality. Maks was the baby you just wanted to squeeze all day long. He was always happy and super chill, and with his enormous head, huge blue eyes, and chubby arm and leg rolls, you couldn’t help but want to eat him up. I’ve been told several times that Maks would make the perfect politician because he could talk you into anything with his engaging storytelling, charm, and wit. I’m definitely praying over that one!

Weighing the Options

The year Natasha was born Val was traded to the Calgary Flames, so I found myself uprooted once more. Not long after Natasha’s birth I started meeting with agents in L.A. to try and restart my career after my pregnancy. I was ready to feel like myself again and throw my energy into the thing that had defined me for most of my life—my work.

Even though I wanted to be there for my kids like my mom had, the thought of not acting anymore wasn’t something I wanted to consider. It was all I knew, I was good at it, and I really enjoyed it. I didn’t want to give it up, and at first I really didn’t think I would have to. I had read the stories in magazines about women who were doing it all and seemingly with a perfect balance. Women were supposed to be empowered and have it all, so that’s what I decided I was going to do. I would be superwoman.