Backfire (5 page)

The cab edged to the curb and Michael handed the man his fare.  Getting out, he nodded toward Walsh who was out, smoking a cigarette.  He e
xtended the package to Michael
and he declined.

“You don’t look so good, Mikey. Rough morning?”

“Rough is an understatement.”

Walsh pursed his lips as he
exhaled the smoke
.  “And it’s just a little after nine AM. Not too shabby.”

Michael leaned against the brick wall behind them and looked up at the grey clouds.  “It’s times like th
is I wish I had
never stopped smoking.”  He took in Gregg’s second hand smoke, savoring the memories of how a cigarette used to be so calming to his nerves.  “I miss anything so far?”

“Not a damn thing.  Been quiet since I got here at seven.  They picked up a three alarmer earlier, but since then it’s been dead.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. I’
m gonna go tell Captain Rooker
that I’m here.” He walked back to his office and knocked on the door. 

“Firefighter McGinnis, come on in!”

“Hey Sir, was just letting you know I’m
here now.” He turned to leave.

“Hold on there, McGinnis. How’d it go?” There was a genuine look of concern on his face.

“Going good.  Everything’s good, Cap.”

The fire alarm went off, paging out both the engine and ladder trucks to an apartment fire.  Michael slid down the pole and slipped into his turnouts.  “So much for it being dead, eh Walsh?”

“Bite me, Mc
Ginnis,” Walsh replied, smiling
at him. “It’s all because of you, Mikey.  All because of you.”

The address was just a few blocks from the house.  On the ride over, Michael clenched his hands open and shut as his mouth suddenly became dry.  Moisture formed under his gloves and his pulse felt out of control.  Before a fire, nerves always ran wild, but he had never felt this type of emotion before.  He was unsure of himself, as if he was a probie on the first day of the job again.

Pulling up to the fire, Michael’s eyes immediately went to the floor where the flames were shooting in every direction. It appeared to be up on the seventh floor.  All of his fellow firefighters hopped off the truck and began their duties.  Michael was the last one, his gaze still up high on the building.  Since he had been back, he had to deal with a small fire here and there, along with wrecks and emergency calls, but this was his official first huge fire back on the job. 

It felt just like in his dream.  Everything seemed wrong and already, his lungs were growing tight in his chest.  He hadn’t even gotten close to the building yet.  People all around him were yelling, several were running, and one lady came up to him and was yelling and pointing toward the area that was on fire.  It was as if things were in slow motion, and even her talking seemed muffled and distant. 

He felt Gregg push him and he too,
was pointing.  Captain Rooker
grabbed his arm and gave his face a nudge.  “Snap out of it McGinnis. There’s been multiple reports of civilians up there.  What’s your problem?”

Michael finally realized what was going on.  Everything that seemed muffled before was becoming clear.  The yelling and panic around him was now moving at a normal pace. 

“Get the cement out of your boots McGinnis, and get your ass up there! You are search and rescue, now do your job, damn it! We are going to lose this building!”

Captain Rooker
shoved him and Michael took one last glance back before adjusting his mask and coat.   Running in, he found the nearest staircase that looked safe and took the steps two at a time.  Why did he hesitate like that?  That wasn’t who he was.  There was no time to over think things with people in trouble.  He reached the seventh floor and observed
the orange flames as they engulfed
the wood around him.

“FDNY, if you can hear me, yell out!” 

The smoke was so thick that the visibility was zero.  Getting on his hands and knees, he crawled through the toxic air, listening closely for any type of sound.  He suddenl
y began to worry that his air
would run out.  Looking around, he tried to keep from panicking.  What if the flames locked him in?  What if he failed the victims?  Closing his eyes, he pushed through the negative thoughts.

“FDNY, is anywhere here?”

“We’re in here! Please help us!
”  The roar of the flames was intense, but Michael could hear the woman yelling over the rumble. 

“I’m coming, ma’am. I’m coming!”  Crawling, he finally found an area where the smoke wasn’t as bad and stood up. 
A woman with her baby was
crouched behind a couch.  The baby was crying uncontrollably and the woman had complete fear in her eyes. 

“Oh thank God you are here!”

“I’m gonna get you two out.” He went to the window and broke the glass.  The ladder was near, and one of the firefighters moved it toward them.  “Cap, I got a woman and a baby right here. I think
getting them out
through the window is probably our safest bet.” 

They edged the ladder to the opening and Michael handed the baby over to one of the guys.  The woman approached the window, her hands shaking uncontrollably.  “Please, I can’t do this.”

Michael took her hand and guided her.  “Yes you can.  The ladder is right there and we won’t let you fall. Just step out and don’t look down.”

She was apprehensive and it felt like a wake up call to Michael.  He was acting the same way about entering the building.  A few more seconds and it was likely that this lady and her child wouldn’t have gotten out, all due to him being hesitant.  She stepped out and Michael stayed with her, helping her down the ladder with each step, talking her through it.  When they reached the ground she hugged him. 

“Thank you so much, for getting us out.” Tears fell down her face, smearing the soot that was caked on her skin.

“It’s my job.  Go get checked out at the ambulance.  They took your baby over there too.”

She patted his shoulder one last time, and the look of gratitude on her face was enough for Michael to know that she truly was grateful.  It didn’t matter.  Michael felt completely useless.  How could he have sunk so low?  Captain Rooker approached him, his brow creased.

“They called clear inside.  Good job getting them out.  We need to have a talk back at the station.”

“Yes sir,” Michael replied, knowing exactly what it was going to be about. 

The ride back to the station was pretty quiet. It usually was after a fire, even if things all turned out okay.  The guys generally went through things in their head.  Sometimes everyone was still keyed up with their adrenaline pumping, but for the most part
, it was pretty calm
.  Michael was worried about what the Captain had to say.  What if he had decided to take him off of the truck?  Or even worse, what if he was recommending that he take on a desk job down at headquarters?  Michael wouldn’t survive doing a desk job.  He’d go crazier than he felt he was right now.

They backed in to the garage and Michael followed Captain Rooker back to his office, feeling everyone’s eyes on him as he did.  He knew he had screwed up.  He felt bad for almost letting the team down.  They were all supposed to click together and he was upsetting the balance. 

“Sit down, McGinnis.” Rooker sat on the other side and straightened some paperwork on his desk, his facial expression harsh.

Michael did as he was told and waited to speak up until he knew exactly what this was about. 

“You hesitated back there, big time.  Did you even realize you did?”  Rooker’s brow creased, making Michael feel about five inches tall. 

“Yes sir, I did.  Not sure why it happened.”

“Well, I do.  I think you came back too soon, son.  Hell, it hasn’t even been that long.  You need to heal completely.  And I’m not just talking physically. Your mind is just as important with this job.”

Michael felt like someone had punched him in the stomach.  “Sir, I’m fine.  It was my first big fire back.  I’ll be fine now.”

“I’ve been in contact with Dr. Bowen as well,” Rooker replied, ignoring what Michael had to say completely.  “She says you still are having a lot of emotional issues with everything that happened.  I know we go through shit on this job. Every single one of us out there on that truck, daily, see things no one else could imagine.  It takes a toll on us.  The important thing is we push through it. No one’s looking down at you if you need more time off, McGinnis.”

Michael sat back in the chair, unsure of what to say.  “Captain Rooker, I assure you that I’m getting better.  You mentioning time off actually brings up a question I’ve wanted to ask.  My brother is down in Austin at that rehab facility and wants us to com
e down for a family week in September
.  I was leery to ask.”

“I think that’ll do you some good, McGinnis. I can tell he’s a lot
of your problem. We’ll make do
without you while you’re gone. The time off is granted. Just fill out the paperwork and turn it in to me.”

“I’m only planning on being down there a few days.”

“Take as much time as you need. And between now and then, keep your head on straight and do this job right.  I don’t want to take you off the truck, but if you pull another stunt like that between now and the time you go down to Texas, I’ll yank your ass so fast you won’t even know what hit you, do you understand me?”

Michael nodded and stood up. He extended
his hand to shake Captain Rooker’s who obliged the gesture.  “Yes sir.”

“You’ve always been one of my best men, Michael.  Let’s keep it that way.”  Rooker averted his attention to some paperwork, which was Michael’s cue to leave.  Exiting the office, he felt a slight twinge of relief in knowing he could go down to Austin for a few days to scope it all out, and at the same time, he felt bad for the way the call went. 

It had been along day, and was only getting longer with each second that passed by.

***

Michael got home around seven forty five that evening, and was both emotionally and physically exhausted.  For the most part, the guys were cool about what happened.  No one said much about it, except a few snide comments here and there about freezing up.  It was typical in the firehouse and Michael didn’t take offense to it.  That’s just how the guys were.

The smell of Eva’s cooking hit him like a wall as he unlocked the apartment door.  She was in the kitchen in one of his FDNY shirts that practically hung down to her knees.  She stood over the stove, tasting sauce from a spoon. 

“Hey Mikey! I was wondering when you were gonna get home!”

He threw his duffel bag on the couch and hugged her from behind.  “Damn Eva, you know you turn me on when you wear my shirts.” He ran his hands down her side, slowing at her hips and at
the
button of her jeans. “I was filling out the paperwork for time off to go down to Austin.  Captain Rooker said he’d approve it.” He buried his face in her neck, taking in the smell of her hair.

“That’s great! They’re giving me the time off, too, so it looks like we’ll all make a little family trip out of it. And you were worried they’d get pissed.”

He let go of her and
leaned against the cabinet, skimming
through the mail.  “Yeah, well, he’s giving it to me because I kinda froze on the job today.  Said I came back too early.  So really, it’s not a reward.  It’s because they think I’m crazier than a shit house rat.”

“I highly doubt they think that, hon.  He’s like most of us in thinking that if you get down there and see what Casey is experiencing, you’ll be more relaxed about it.  That’s just how you are.  You’ve always been that way about your little brother.  When it’s out of your hands and you can’t protect him, it bothers you.  It’ll do you some good.”

“And my diagnosi
s of PTSD?” Michael asked, tossing the mail aside as he
picked at the chicken sautéing in the frying pan. 

“You’d be insane to not have that after everything.  You’re not crazy, Mikey.  Please stop saying you are.  If you’re crazy, what does that make me?” She leaned in and gave him a deep kiss on the lips. 

Pulling away, he ducked his head.  “Dr. Bowen wants me to go visit Viper in prison.”

A
look of dismay was painted on Eva’s face.  She brushed her hair out of her face and sat down at the kitchen table, inviting him to sit down next to her.  Following suit, he didn’t say anything, waiting on her reply.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” he repeated.

“And what is her reasoning behind it?” She pulled his
hand into hers.

“She said the quickest way to get over everything is if I forgive Viper and stop holding all of this hatred in my heart.  I honestly don’t know what to think about it.  I mean, what if I go there and my anger towards him just gets worse? As a kid, forgiveness was always what I was taught, but I never had anything like this happen to me before.”

Eva shook her head an
d grasped his hand even tighter.
  Even that small embrace felt good to Michael.  “I can see where she’s coming from.  Sometimes you just have to face things.  Kind of like when you face your fears.” She looked up at him, her hazel eyes so beautiful.