I let him ride me like that for a few more moments because he was just so fucking gorgeous moving his hips with mine, his head thrown back and ecstasy written all over his face. He leaned down and kissed me, shoving his tongue in my mouth and tangling his with mine.
I pulled him off me, positioned him on his left side, curled up behind him to hook my right arm under his right knee, and slowly pressed myself back into him. I continued to thrust at a slow, sensual pace, kissing him all over his shoulder blades, his neck, his mouth. I was trying to show him with my movements how much I loved him, how much he meant to me and how I didn't regret a single moment that we’d spent together, even the times we were fighting.
He didn't say anything, just kissed me back when I reached his mouth, and his grunts mixed with my moans created the background music for our lovemaking.
Seeing him so lost in our passion was one of the most beautiful sights in the world—making those priceless masterpieces hanging in famous art museums look amateur. I watched as he grasped his own cock and started to stroke himself slowly to the same rhythm I’d set and hadn’t varied from.
We spent long moments just tangled up together, touching in every way possible, connected in the most intimate act of love, and my heart was breaking. I knew that what I was doing was going to break us, both of us.
But it had to be done.
Didn't he see we were like fire and gasoline? We were so not good for each other anymore and if I didn't leave soon, we’d end up blown to pieces sooner rather than later, hating each other and having no good memories left. It was best if I left now so we could both eventually pick up the broken pieces and move on.
I was so close and I told him, begged him to come with me as the coil in my stomach burst loose and exploded through me. Tyler released into his hand while a string of obscene words flew out of my mouth.
We lay there together for several moments, catching our breath as I held him tight.
Tyler finally broke the silence. "Shower?" he suggested and I agreed.
He rose from the bed, grabbing his tossed shirt to wipe his hand clean then took my hand with his other, pulling me into the bathroom, running the water then guiding me into the stream. The mood between us hadn't gotten any better; it was somber at best but somehow it fit. We washed each other thoroughly, making sure to touch, kiss, and love each other at every given opportunity.
Once we were done and I’d turned off the shower, we stepped out and continued our display of affection by drying each other off before trudging back to bed and crawling under the covers.
Tyler curled up around me from behind, his left leg thrown over mine and his left hand sprawled out right across my heart. He randomly peppered kisses along my neck and shoulders before his breathing evened out and I was sure he'd fallen asleep.
I willed myself to fall asleep, trying desperately to forget my decision for those last few hours. I felt safe and secure wrapped up in his arms; I knew he loved me. I'd never doubted that for one second but…
"Alex…" he interrupted my thoughts and my heart jumped at his words. “Please don't go." I could hear the tears in his voice but I couldn't bring myself to turn and face him. "I know what you're thinking and we can make this work; I know we can."
"Tyler...” I nearly choked on just that one word.
"No, please just let me say what I have to say," he begged me.
"Okay…"
"I know we fight and argue and we hurt each other, but I also know that what we have is real and I'm not giving up on it. Alex, I love you so much and if you love me like you say you do, you won't run away from me, away from us. Love doesn't run; it stays and fights for what’s right. It's tough and it doesn't give up.
"Please stay. Talk to me. We can go to counseling or do whatever it takes. I can't live without your love, Alex; it would be an existence but not really a life… not one worth living, anyway. Whatever it is, we can do it and we can get through this. It'll only make us stronger in the end. I want to save us, Alex. I
need
to save us."
He took a deep breath and continued. "Leaving is taking the easy way out, and I know you. You never take the easy way. You're stubborn, pig-headed and you fight for what you want. Don't you want me anymore? Don't you love me?" he pleaded, his words filled with desperation.
I had to blink back the tears and clear my throat before I could answer him. "You know I do, Ty, but can't you see what we've become? The good times are great but they’re few and far between these days. I can't keep doing this to you and I can't keep letting you do this to me. It's our only option to save each other. I know you'd never leave but I have to do something, baby. This is killing me but I can't see any other way," I told him, turning over to face him, to look him in the eye as I spoke.
"You're taking the coward's way out," he accused me. His body stiffened and his eyes went cold, completely devoid of emotion, as I reached up to stroke his cheek.
"No, Tyler, the coward in me would stay here to avoid the pain of losing you but would end up enduring more pain as we continued to strike out and hurt each other. I can't do it anymore."
Tyler's silence was endless before his eyes softened again. "I don't want you to go."
"I know, baby, I know."
He pulled me to him and held me so tight it was almost as if he wanted to pull me inside of him and lock me up. I indulged one last time, wrapping my arms around his torso and holding on for dear life because I knew that I'd never be that close to him again.
"You're going to regret this," he whispered. "I'll be here waiting for you if you ever want to come home; this will
always
be your home."
I couldn't bring myself to say anything in response to him so I just nodded into his chest and slowly drifted off into the darkness.
My eyes opened and I panicked that I'd slept too long before I looked at the clock and realized I'd barely slept for two hours; it was only five-thirty. Tyler still had a death grip on me and I had to gently pry his fingers and arms off me to slip out of bed.
He stirred momentarily before rolling over and settling back into his dreams; I hoped they were sweet ones.
I walked to the closet, pulled out my ratty old duffel bag and started stuffing it with my clothes. I threw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie and grabbed a few of my toiletries from the bathroom. I didn't need to take much with me. Tyler could do whatever he wanted with all the stuff that we'd accumulated over the years.
I hadn't even decided where I was going yet but figured I'd probably have to stay in a hotel for a couple nights until I did decide. With my cell phone securely in my pocket, I grabbed the framed picture off the dresser and tossed it in my bag. Tyler would be pissed when he realized it was gone but I needed something and it was the only thing I wanted.
It was a picture of us lying on the couch at his mom's during spring break two years prior. Tyler was in front of me sleeping. My head was barely above his and the look in my eyes showed nothing but the love and adoration that I held for him. It was the perfect picture of one of our most peaceful times together and it was going to get me through the rough patches that were sure to come.
Taking one last look around our bedroom, I dropped the bag by the door and walked over to him. My heart broke and a single tear rolled down my cheek as I leaned over, placing one small kiss on his forehead.
"I love you, Tyler; please never forget that," I whispered. "I'm so sorry…"
I walked away and picked up my bag, turning to go out the bedroom door and closing it quietly behind me. I grabbed my laptop case from the living room and left what had been my home for the past two years.
Two Years Later
Tyler
“It’s been two years, Tyler; don’t you think it’s about time for you to start dating again?” my best friend Andrew asked me before taking another drink of his beer. “Maybe start the actual moving on process?”
“I don’t want to move on, Andrew; I just want him back.” I sighed deeply, toying with the edge of my t-shirt. It was a nervous habit I'd had since I was a child and one my mother had always gotten on my case about. “And before you start to psychoanalyze the situation, I'm perfectly aware that it’s not healthy to obsess over him like this. I’ve been through it with my therapist over and over again. It’s just that I'm pretty sure he’s it for me, you know?”
I could hear the irritation in his voice as he asked me, “How can you be sure he's it for you if you never date anyone else to find out?”
“Dating someone else won't make me forget Alex, Andrew; it'll only make me want him back more...”
Andrew set his beer down on the bar and turned sideways on his stool to face me. “He left you, Tyler,” he stated bluntly, never one to beat around the bush or try to spare my feelings. “He moved to Texas and hasn’t shown any indication that he’s coming back to Nebraska. I just hate to see you wasting your life waiting for someone that you know probably isn’t coming back.”
It stung to hear it put like that. I really did understand that Alex was gone but what I didn't understand was how I was supposed to forget him and move on. “I know, Drew; I really do, I just can’t… Not yet.” I finished the last of my drink in one gulp and hopped off the stool. “I’ve got to go.” I threw a twenty on the bar to cover our drinks and took off out the door before Andrew had time to process my leaving.
As I walked down the street toward the house that Alex and I used to share, the same one that I couldn’t bear to give up even though it was a daily reminder of all the hurt and pain we'd gone through, my mind wandered back to those weeks after he’d left.
In my mind, I could still see myself clearly, as I stood at the window with tears in my eyes, watching him drive away. Then, like an idiot, I’d continued to stand there for hours. I couldn’t move because moving would've meant accepting the fact that he’d walked out on me and I hadn’t been ready for that. I still couldn’t believe he was gone sometimes.
He'd sure kept his promise of ending it all when he’d walked out without a word. I was still in the same place with the same number. I mean, one day he was my boyfriend and the next he was just nothing. It was a major mindfuck. The only way I even knew he’d moved to Texas was because three weeks after he left, his credit card statement showed up in my email like it always had since I was the one who paid the bills and it had shown charges in Dallas. The next month when it showed up, it was the same thing, so I’d changed the settings on his account to go to his primary email and that was that. I didn't need any more reminders of his absence in my life.
I made it back to the house just in time to find Andrew slamming the door to his truck. “What in the hell was that?” he asked angrily. I could tell he was more than just a little upset about my disappearing act.
“I just needed to get the fuck out of there, man. Look, I know you care about me and I know you just want me to be happy or whatever, but I love Alex and until I don’t anymore, I’m not running away from it or moving on. We've been over this before. I told him the night before he left that I'd always love him and I intend to prove it.” I walked past him and made my way to the front door. “Are you coming in and dropping it or are you going to go home pissed off?”
Andrew let out an exasperated sigh, clearly still irritated with me. “I’m coming in and I’ll drop it for now, but this isn’t over, Tyler, not by a long shot.”
Andrew wasn’t kidding when he said it wasn’t over; he brought it up again two days later. “Tyler, I know you don’t want to start dating again or anything, but Robyn made a new friend in her yoga class and she wants to know if you’d hang out with him, maybe show him around a little. He doesn’t really know much about the gay scene here in Lincoln.”
“Drew, why are you doing this? I already told you…” I started to say but he cut me off.
“I’m not asking you to date the guy; I’m not even asking you to fuck the guy, even though according to Robyn he’s pretty hot. All I’m asking is that you help him out and show him around a little, maybe make a new friend.”
The grin that spread across his face clued me in to his secret agenda, but I thought about it for a minute and decided that maybe he was right; I could use a night out anyway. “Okay, bring him by on Friday. I’ll take him to the club and show him around a bit.”
Andrew’s smile was huge as he replied, “Great! Thanks, Tyler!”
On Friday, the doorbell rang a few minutes before seven and I hurried to answer it. Over the course of the week, I’d grown more and more excited about it. I'd gotten Jesse to cover my shift at The Silver Lining, where I was a bartender on Friday and Saturday nights. I hadn't been there in a while in a strictly non-employee sense and a night of innocent dancing seemed really appealing at that point.
As the door swung open, my jaw dropped; the boy standing with Andrew and Robyn was gorgeous in a very twink-like way. I was three inches shy of six feet and he was just a bit shorter than me with black hair, green eyes, and a lean, toned body that was to die for. He looked incredibly nervous and really young.
“Hey, guys, come on in.” I took a step back to allow them room to walk in.
“Tyler, this is Riley Jensen.” Robyn motioned toward her friend. “Riley, this is Tyler Matthews.”