Persona
: More Jung here. A persona is an aspect of yourself that comes out in certain situations. Most people have some experience with different personae; if you have a friend, for example, who makes you feel like a teenager again, giggly and silly, that’s one of your personae coming out. Many kinkyfolk have one or more erotic personae that they like to play with - a man who has a female persona (or vice versa), a grown woman who likes to pretend to be a little girl, and so on. It is interesting to note that the words “persona” and “person” both derive from the character masks of Greek theater - so in some sense, whatever you’re doing, you’re playing a part.
Pervert/Perv:
An affectionate term that kinkyfolk use to refer to ourselves, in much the same way that many lesbians call themselves “dykes”: Catherine and her sister were chatting in their mother’s living room a couple of years back. Their mom walked through just in time to hear Catherine refer to herself as a “pervert,” and cringed visibly. “Mom, it’s OK,” Catherine tried to reassure her. “Just like Sis and her friends call each other ‘dykes,’ my friends and I call each other ‘perverts.”’ “Oh, I know that,” responded Mom. “I was just wondering how I got lucky enough to have one of each!”
Phone Sex
: Comparable to
cybersex
except using a telephone instead of a computer. The participants in phone sex arouse one another by describing erotic things they’d like to do to one another, and enjoying their partner’s reaction. They often masturbate while doing so. Phone sex is often done professionally by paid phone sex workers, but is also often done by non-professional partners who are separated by distance or circumstance.
Piercing
: Piercing may be done as a permanent body modification, to give the recipient a place to wear jewelry. Common places to pierce (in addition to the ears) are noses, eyebrows, tongues, nipples, navels and genitals. People with piercings may or may not be into S/M. Some people also like to play with temporary piercings, typically just below the skin almost anywhere on the body, just for the sensation of being pierced. All competent piercings, whether temporary or permanent, are done with sterile needles by knowledgeable practitioners.
Play
: To do
S/M
together. We like this verb, because we think S/M has most of the same elements of ritual, symbolism and collaboration as other kinds of play (from chess to cops-and-robbers).
Play Party
: A get-together of kinkyfolk, anywhere from a handful to hundreds of us, for the purpose of playing in the same space - sometimes to take advantage of special equipment or an extra-nice room, sometimes just for the pleasure of enjoying one another’s energy. People in these environments may play with their regular partner(s) or with someone else, or several someone elses.
Players:
People who do
S/M.
Playroom:
Another word for a dungeon.
Polyamory
: An arrangement in which a person has more than one lover, with the active consent of everybody involved. Many kinkyfolk are monogamous, but there are probably more polyamorous people in the kink communities than elsewhere.
Power exchange:
Yet another (slightly euphemistic) term for
S/M.
Also sometimes “erotic power exchange” or “power play.”
Pro-Domme:
Shorthand for “professional
dominant”:
a woman who gets paid to help clients enact their masochistic or
submissive
fantasies, usually non-sexually. There are male professional dominants too; most of them work with male clients. Also, there are a few professional submissives of both genders, usually working (for safety reasons) with one or more professional dominants.
Public sex:
It amazes us to realize that most Americans have never watched another human being having sex. Many kinkyfolk like to get together and have
play parties.
The authors of this book, and many other kinky people, very much enjoy this kind of public sex, but draw the line at any kind of sex that involves people who have not consented to participate (such as the other folks riding the bus).
Punishment scene
: A scene in which the bottom is being punished for some infraction. This may be “play punishment” - in which the bottom didn’t really do anything wrong but just enjoys the fantasy of punishment. Or the players involved may be in a relationship where one has given the other the right to punish him for mistakes or misbehavior.
Restraints: Bondage
devices, usually of leather or webbing, which go around wrists, ankles and other body parts and can be fastened to one another or to stationary objects.
Role:
Just as actors in plays have roles, so do players in scenes. A role may be as simple as “the one who gets tied up,” or something a bit more theatrical - like a pirate or a baby or a queen.
S/M:
Yet another synonym for
BDSM/leathersex/power exchangelet
al. You’ll sometimes see it punctuated differently, as “SM” or “S&M.”
Sadist
: Someone who receives erotic pleasure from giving pain to her partners. Yes, we know this word sounds absolutely terrifying - but please remember that kinkyfolk who identify as sadists are typically very ethical about giving pain only to those who have given their full consent. And if they don’t offer the kind of pain that pleases, nobody will play with them.
Sadomasochism
: Yet another synonym for
S/M.
The word “sadomasochism” is a mixture of the names of two eighteenth-century writers: the Marquis de Sade, who wrote books like “Juliette” and “Ninety Days of Sodom,” and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who wrote a book called “Venus in Furs.” De Sade in particular was not representative of the philosophy of modern-day kinkyfolk - in fact, he engaged in and wrote about behaviors that would get him kicked out of any S/M club in the country. (Please don’t read de Sade for clues about what your kinky person is doing!)
Safe/Sane/Consensual:
This is a slogan that has been in widespread use throughout the S/M communities for many years; we use it to distinguish between what we do and real-world abuse and violence. While definitions differ, most of us mean by “safe” that everybody involved is aware of any risks and has taken all possible steps to reduce those risks - some also add that in S/M, we do not do physical or emotional damage that requires professional intervention to heal. By “sane,” we mean that everybody involved has one another’s well-being as their paramount goal, and that everybody is together enough (and sober enough) to understand the ramifications of their actions. By “consensual,” we mean that everybody involved has given their active and uncoerced consent to everything that will happen in the scene.
Safer sex
: Sex in which everybody involved has taken precautions to minimize the possibility of transmitting a disease, most often by using latex barriers like condoms and gloves. This term has come to be preferred over “safe sex,” since sex never has been and never will be entirely safe.
Safeword:
A code word that many kinkyfolk use to signal the status of consent. Many of us like to pretend that we aren’t consenting, so we may cry out words like “no,” “please” and “stop” as part of our fantasy. A safeword is a word that wouldn’t otherwise come up in the scene, that tells our partner that we really do need to stop. Many of us use “yellow” to mean “This is getting too intense for me, I need to you to slow down,” and “red” to mean “Something is wrong, I need you to stop.” (“Green,” of course, means “This is great, let’s do more!”)
Scene
: A predetermined period of time during which two or more people do S/M. Also, sometimes, the whole S/M community and its doings (“Is he in the scene?”).
Sensory Deprivation
: a scene in which the top takes away one or more of the bottom’s senses - a blindfold to remove sight, earplugs for hearing, special bondage that restricts touch, and so on.
Session
: A synonym for scene. Sometimes used especially for a scene with a
pro-domme.
Sex radical:
Someone who challenges cultural beliefs about what sex should be like. Some sex radicals dress in drag or leather or diapers and march down Market Street, others quietly influence the people around them by simply living out their sexual philosophies without secrecy or apology. Not all sex radicals are kinky, and not all kinky people are sex radicals.
Sexual minority
: Anybody whose sexual desires or practices place them out of the mainstream - which means just about anybody, at least at some time in their lives. However, the term “sexual minority” is most often used to mean gays, lesbians, bisexuals,
transgendered
folk and kinkyfolk.
Sexual politics
: Anyplace that sex and politics intersect, you have sexual politics. Sexual politics may be about governmental issues like same-sex marriage, or about interpersonal issues like public
sex.
Slave
: Someone who has given the right to control many aspects of his behavior to a master or mistress. Remember, consensual slavery is entirely different from institutional slavery: if a consensual slave doesn’t like what’s happening, she can renegotiate or leave.
Spanking
: Striking on the buttocks with a hand or implement - as part of a punishment scene or just for fun. Many folks who enjoy spanking don’t consider themselves to be into
S/M
There are special support groups, play parties and Internet groups especially for spanking fans.
Submissive
: Someone who receives erotic pleasure from giving up control of some aspects of her behavior, as opposed to receiving physical sensation: in the words of one submissive woman we know, “My fantasy is to be a heroic good girl, and so I like it even better if my dominant makes it difficult for me to be good.” Some people use this as a generic term for anybody who enjoys being the “receiver” in
BDSM.
Support group:
A club or organization where kinkyfolk can meet each other, share information and resources, get help with some of their questions and concerns, and socialize together. There are support groups for just about any kink you can imagine
- fetishes
of all kinds,
infantilism,
spanking, cross-dressing, S/M
and many, many more.
Suspension:
A form of specialized bondage in which the bottom’s body is supported by ropes or other restraints off the floor.
Swinging:
An activity in which (usually heterosexual) couples get together in order to have sex in groups, or with someone other than their usual partners.
Tantra:
A type of yoga (the literal translation of the word is “woven together”) which includes sexual ritual as a pathway to interpersonal intimacy and spiritual ecstasy.
Titleholder:
Many local S/M communities hold competitions for titles like “Ms. Cleveland Leather” and “Mr. Miami Leather.” Contestants compete on the basis of their contributions to their local communities, their articulateness as spokespersons, and their creativity in putting together choreographed skits/scenes enacting various kinky scenarios. Winners win a leather sash with their title in studs and the opportunity to compete nationally. Each winner serves for one year as a representative of his or her local (or national) leather community, and is also expected to put on events and raise funds for charity.
Top
: A generic term for the person who takes control of her partner’s behavior, sensations, movement or emotions - the dominant, sadist, master, mistress, daddy or what-have-you. Some people use this term specifically to mean someone who erotically enjoys giving strong sensation. We use the first definition in this book.
Torture:
Another scary word! Kinkyfolk use “torture” to mean many forms of erotic pain, ranging from mild to intense - usually on erotically sensitive parts of the body (“cock and ball torture,” “tit torture,” etc.). Like all forms of
S/M
we discuss in this book, erotic “torture” is done safely and consensually, and is designed to please.
Toy:
Any item used for
sex
or
S/M.
Vibrators, dildos, restraints, bondage equipment, whips,
clamps
and so on are all toys. Players on their way to a play party pack their toys in a toybag.
Transformation scene
: A scene in which one or more guides help transform a person into another gender than his or her usual one. Most often a woman transforms a man into a woman, but the imaginations of kinkyfolk are limitless...