Astray (8 page)

I nod. He will always get me in a way that no one else can. It’s sad and somehow comforting all at the same time.

Will’s hand lingers for a moment on my cheek.

“Lyla?” It’s Cody. He’s walking up the hallway, his eyes on Will’s hand and my face, still wet with tears. “What happened?”

Will lets his hand drop. His eyes grow distant. He rounds on Cody. “I don’t know, maybe it’s the weird way your friends welcomed us or maybe it’s having to start her whole life over from scratch. What did you expect, for her to just blend right in?”

I don’t want Will to speak for me, especially not to Cody. “I’m fine, I just had a moment there,” I say, and stand between them. Neither boy looks convinced. I wipe my face. “I’m fine, really, it’s just the day was … weird.”

I want to explain, to help Cody understand, but I can’t and so I have to hope that he’ll get it enough to not be mad that I was so close to Will a second ago. Besides, how do I explain that Will’s lack of summertime smell felt like one more death in a long line of them and it was just more than I could take? Cody wants me to be happy here with him. And I want to be that. Happy. I
need
to be. Otherwise, all that’s happened was for nothing.

Cody steps closer to me. His hands are in his pockets, his backpack slung over one shoulder. He stares at Will. Will stares right back. I can feel the tension building
between them. I clear my throat and they both turn in my direction. It’s like they’re both expecting me to do something. Choose between them, maybe? I don’t want to have to. I mean, strictly speaking, I have. I chose Cody … and I’d do it again, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have Will around anymore.

I squirm for a moment before I spot my salvation across the hall. The girls’ restroom.
Sweet escape
. “I, um, need a second,” I mumble while managing not to look at either of them. I put my head down and rush past them and straight for the door with the girl silhouette on it. I try not to let it remind me of the cardboard cutouts that we used for target practice back at Mandrodage Meadows. It’s starting to feel like no matter where I go, something from my past will be waiting to blindside me. It’s exhausting. I throw myself into the nearest stall and lean against the wall. I let my book bag and coat drop to the floor.

There were two girls by the mirror when I walked in. I can hear them giggling now.

“Okaaay,” one girl says, her voice drawing out the word. There’s another giggle from the other girl, then a brief silence. I have an overwhelming urge to peek over the top of the bathroom stall to see what they’re doing out there. Instead I try to look through the narrow crack between the door and the stall. I think they’re putting on makeup.

“The Winter Festival should be a blast. Kevin asked me to go with him to Ted’s party after. He’s having a bonfire
behind his house. You’re going, right?” The other girl glances at the stall I’m in and I duck out of the way, but I think she saw me anyway. I must look like a total crazy person for spying on them.

“Hey … everything all right in there?” The girl’s voice is just outside the stall.

I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling. I study the brown watermark there, trace its shape with my eyes and try to make myself relax. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Look, what the guys did today with the fire alarm … wasn’t cool. Sorry if it made your first day bad and all,” she says. Is she being sincere or putting me on? I can’t tell.

The girls begin to whisper. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but then one of the girls’ voices gets louder. “Uh, I’ve got to get my bio homework before we go. I’ll wait for you by the trophy case … but don’t take too long.”

I can hear the girl’s shoes click across the floor, then there’s a brief burst of hallway noise before the bathroom goes quiet again. One of the girls is still in here with me.

“So, um, you’re not peeing in there, are you? ’Cause if you are, I won’t try to talk to you until you’re, uh, done. But if you’re not peeing, maybe you could come out? I just want to introduce myself.”

I unlatch the door and open it, feeling a little silly for hiding.

The girl holds out her hand. “My name’s Jaclyn, but most people just call me Jack.”

She’s got these multicolored braids scattered all around
her face like Medusa’s snakes. They’re sparkly too. Somehow she’s managed to weave a healthy dose of glitter into each braid, but not get any on her face or clothes. She’s delicate and elf-like—except for her enormous boobs—which stick out of the black sweater/tank top combo she’s wearing like, well, outrageously oversized boobs. I can’t even come up with a delicate description, because I can’t stop staring. Her boobs are bigger than mine. This makes me strangely happy. I’ve never known another girl my age who was more endowed in that department. I have to work not to crack up laughing about it.

“Lyla,” I say once I snap out of my boob shock and we shake hands. It seems like a ridiculous thing to do in the middle of a bathroom, and I smile.

“You’re the girl living with Cody. Wait, that just came out all wrong. Living with the
Crowleys
.” She smiles. “I’d ask you how your first day went, but considering the way you stormed in here, I’m pretty sure I know. Can’t say it’ll get better, but you probably already know that. It is survivable, though. I moved here at the beginning of last year.” She says this last bit like it makes her situation and mine similar, when I’m pretty sure it doesn’t. Still, it’s nice to talk to someone who isn’t in Cody’s family or part of the Community.

“And you like it here?” I ask.

“No, I like it back in Boston. I
tolerate
here. My mom got remarried and I don’t exactly get along with the guy, so she sent me to hang out with my dad for a while, but he’s
not exactly much better. He’s Principal Geddy,” she says, and rolls her eyes.

Her dad is the principal.
Weird
. I nod and smile again. I probably seem like an idiot, but I don’t know what to say to her.

“So, what was it like in your … neighborhood? I mean, during that raid you must have been pretty scared, right?” Her question is so direct that my mouth drops open.

I shake my head. “Yeah, I guess.” I walk around her and start to wash my hands. I look into the mirror. She’s behind me, watching.

“Sorry—I didn’t mean to overstep, but you guys are front-page news. And when I heard about it, I just couldn’t even imagine what it might be like to be there.” She looks at me hopefully.

For a second I consider letting my guard down and telling her, but at the last minute I change my mind. After the fire drill I’m not sure I can trust anybody in this school.

“I was thinking … maybe we can hang out sometime? I can show you around a little and stuff?” Jack asks.

This
is what I was hoping for when I woke up and got dressed, to make new friends. My heart leaps a little, I try to be nonchalant, but I’m probably failing miserably. I don’t care. “Sure.”

She nods. “Good, so I’ll look for you tomorrow, then. Gotta go. Aubrey’s waiting for me.”

I dry my hands and nod and she waves before ducking out of the bathroom. The noises from the hallway outside
have dropped off. Everyone has to be headed home by now. I’m pretty sure that Will left with the others. I should be okay to go back out there.

I pull on my coat and button it, then grab my bag. My hand grazes a piece of card stock as I try to zip it closed. The note from my dad is still in the front pocket.

Be strong. Don’t lose yourself
.

I pull it out now and look at his message one more time before I crumple it up and throw it into the trash can. Losing myself is
exactly
what I need to do.

I believe he holds the answers to everything. Of course I do. I have to.

—Will Richardson, member of the Community

By the time I leave the bathroom, the hallways are completely deserted and Cody is all alone. He’s sitting on the floor, his back to the wall, legs crossed out in front of him. Spread across his legs is a sketchpad. He’s so engrossed in his drawing that he doesn’t even see me coming at first.

I get closer and crane my neck to see. He’s drawn something that looks a little like a gargoyle with a dozen spikes running the length of its head in a deadly Mohawk. The eyes are narrowed and completely black. It’s ugly and awful-looking, but I like it. I like all of his monsters—the ones on paper and the ones he molds and makes at home. I find them kind of comforting in a weird way. At least their evil is obvious. If Pioneer had looked like what he actually is deep down inside, none of us would have followed him in the first place.

I crouch down to take a closer look at his sketch.

“Hey, what do you think?” He leans the sketchpad in my direction a little.

“I like it, but I’d maybe put a little cross-hatching in here.” I point to the curved underside of the creature’s neck. “Add a little more texture. And his head needs more spikes.”

“You think?”

“Definitely.”

Drawing is one passion that we share. Granted, I mostly sketch animals, people, and landscapes, while he sketches ghouls, gargoyles, and werewolves, but still, we both get all excited about making something pop off the page.

It’s nice to have someone else to draw with. Back at Mandrodage Meadows we each had something that we were good at, but once we found it, we didn’t go looking for anything else—unless one of the others had the same talent and ours wasn’t better. Then Pioneer would make us choose again, even if we didn’t want to. He thought that when we began the New Earth with the Brethren, our Community should be as well rounded as possible. Sometimes I wonder if I’d been given the chance whether I would have found something else to love, like piano playing or singing or something. It’s weird to think that I can now if I want to. But what do I try first? Instead of having too few choices, I have too many.

Cody’s filling in the creature’s bottom jaw, taking my suggestion and adding the extra spikes. I smile; it already looks better. Cody’s pencil moves deftly across the page. “You ready to bust out of here?”

I nod. “More than ready.”

“Before … with Will? Did he say something that got you upset?” His voice is carefully neutral, but I can feel the anger underneath. He’s never liked Will. I guess there’s no way he could, considering our history.

“No, actually, he was the only one who was nice to me today,” I say slowly.

Cody flips his sketchpad closed and begins stuffing his art supplies into the raggedy blue backpack beside him. We walk outside. The parking lot is mostly empty. I wasn’t in the bathroom all that long, but his car is one of the only ones still in the lot. Everyone must have been in a giant hurry to leave. Makes me wonder how great school can really be if everyone leaves it like the building’s caught on fire. Ha! Fire. I’d almost forgotten about the fire alarm.

“Were you out on the field during the fire drill, earlier?” I ask Cody.

“Yeah.” He looks uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“Did you see what happened?” I press, not sure if I really want to know, but incapable of stopping myself.

“With Brent? Guy’s a loser, seriously.” He shakes his head.

I was hoping that he hadn’t seen it. I was hoping that somehow he didn’t know. Because he didn’t exactly come running over to stick up for us.

“I didn’t see you out there,” I say, and I can’t keep the disappointment, the hurt, out of my voice.

“I wanted to come stand by you, but Mr. Goodwin
wouldn’t let me. Then, before I could argue the point, it was over.”

I nod, but I’m having trouble believing him.

Cody must sense this, because he stops walking and looks at me. “If I could’ve gotten over to where you guys were in time, I’d have shut Brent up, I swear. I know that after today it seems like everyone’s determined to treat you like an outcast right along with all the other Meadows kids, but once people get to know you and see that you’re not like them, they’ll come around.”

I know he thinks that what he’s saying will make me feel better, but it doesn’t. Why can’t he see that in a lot of ways I will always be like the others? Leaving the Community doesn’t make me different, at least not completely. I was just as devoted to Pioneer as they are. If I hadn’t seen Marie die … maybe I still would be. But if I tell him this, will it change the way he feels about me?

We walk on in silence. Halfway through the lot Cody wraps his hand around mine. I love the way it completely covers my own. He steals a sidelong glance at me.

“All right, cut it out. Quit looking at me like I might break. I’m fine, really,” I say when he keeps glancing at me.

Cody’s mouth turns up at one corner and he raises an eyebrow. “Really? ’Cause your eyes are all puffy and your coat’s not buttoned right.”

I glance down at my coat. I missed a button somewhere along the middle. I unbutton it, then button it again. There’s nothing I can do about my puffy eyes, though.

I stand by the car and inspect myself in the window while Cody unlocks the door. I have to shake off any lingering weird feelings I have about the day. Emotionally whacked out is not a good way to show up for my counseling session with my parents and Mrs. Rosen, my counselor. It’ll go into overtime if any of them know today was hard for me.

Something inside the car catches my attention. There’s a small, lumpy package covered in brown paper and tied up with red string lying on my seat. A present? Cody got me something for my first day. I look over the top of the car at him and grin. Sensing my stare, he glances up at me. “What?”

“When did you do this?” I ask as I open my door. I throw my bag over the seat, settle into the car, and put the package on my lap.

“Do what?” Cody plays at sounding confused as he opens the back door and puts his bag and coat on the backseat and I smile. I pull the string off and carefully unwrap the paper. I make a mental note to save it and the string—this is his first present to me, after all.

Inside the paper is a small carved wooden owl. My stomach does a quick somersault. This isn’t from Cody. It’s from the Community—or worse, is it possible that it’s from Pioneer?