Anything Goes on a Friday Night (28 page)

P
ASSING IN THE HALLS
and strategically avoiding staring at him—
check
.

Busying myself so I don’t think about him every second—
semi-check
.

Waiting to exit the school until I know for sure that he’s left the student parking lot—
check
.

Not missing him—
impossible
.

The distance and two weeks of not talking at all were destroying me. I hated how this was affecting me. When Channing betrayed our relationship, I was done. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him anymore. But this time I questioned how I even cared about Finn anymore. He’d hurt me! He was Channing all over again, and yet I played with the idea of forgiving him. I’d even agreed to talk to him tonight after he reached out to me through Jane about an hour ago.

Maybe he was going to officially part ways, and he was going to tell me he’d moved on and that he was okay. What if I meet him tonight with every intention of forgiving him and trying to make it work because during the past two weeks I realized he meant more to me than his one mistake, but now he was over me? The rejection would kill me when it shouldn’t. I should hate him.

I started to get into my car and leave because I just couldn’t handle the possibilities of how this night could end. I was just about to shut my door when I heard his truck pull in behind me. I saw him getting out in my rearview mirror. Even if I wanted to leave now, I couldn’t. Finn had me blocked in. If I went straight, I’d be in the river.

I stared at my steering wheel. My car door opened, and I turned to look at Finn.

“Trying to ditch me?” he teased.

My hands were shaking. I shook my head and sat on my hands, so he wouldn’t notice.

“If you’re not ready to talk, I understand. If you want me to leave, I will.”

I shook my head again. “No. I’m—”

“Nervous?”

I nodded.

He smiled a little. “Me too, Ellie. But we have to talk.” He held out his hand, and I took it. He helped me out of my car, and we climbed onto the hood of his truck.

I needed to cry on Finn’s shoulder. I needed him so badly because I was hurting. Before we were a couple, we were friends. I needed to be able to go back in time and just be his friend again.
What do I do when he’s the one who hurt me, but at the same time I need him? Is this what love is?

Putting what he did aside, I scooted close to him and buried my face against his neck. When his arm wrapped protectively around me, I lost it. I cried for what felt like hours.

The past few weeks had been hell. Losing him, my dad and Nancy telling me how worthless I was, my grandpa getting worse, mourning the loss of Dillon, my brother not giving a shit, my mom not giving a damn about anyone but herself, and Channing invading my life—it was all too much.

When I ran out of tears, I stayed snuggled close to Finn. I stared at the water. I didn’t know what to say to him.

“I don’t deserve you,” he said, breaking the silence.

No, you don’t. Make me believe you do. Change my mind.

“Having you in my arms right now, Ellie. Dammit, I feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the entire universe. Even if you’ve made up your mind, and this is it for us, I’ll never want to let go. I know I’ll never be able to. I hate myself for what I did. I wasn’t thinking.”

I hate you for what you did. But I don’t want to hate you. Why do I not want to hate you? I love you. Why do I love you?

“As far as I got with the girl you saw me dancing with was making out. I’m not gonna lie or sugar coat things with you because I refuse to mislead you. I was an idiot. I thought drinking would be fun with the guys, and I planned on coming right back to you. I didn’t know my drink was laced. I acted so unlike myself; I don’t even know who I was that night.”

I closed my eyes. I didn’t know if I wanted to hear anymore. And as angry as I was with him, I never wanted him to let go of me.

“I don’t expect you to ever trust me again. You’ve been through so much, and the one person you trusted not to hurt you did. There’s never anything I could say or do to fix this.”

I cleared my throat. It was so scratchy from all of my crying. I looked at him.

“I don’t know what to do, Finn. I’m so confused.”

He looked so relieved that I’d actually spoken.

“I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t. I would hate me too.”

“What do you honest-to-God want?”

“As in what?”

I shrugged. “Us? Life? Anything…”

He moved his arm from around me and held my hand. He rubbed my fingers with his thumb and furrowed his eyebrows while he thought. “No one’s asked me that before.”

“Well, now someone is.”

“I want to pass school and graduate, which I’m not sure will happen. I want to own my own welding shop after I get my certification at a good community college. I want to live life with no regrets. Just live, ya’ know?”

I nodded. “Me too. And do you see me in those plans at all? Honest-to-God, Finn. No lying.”

He looked at me seriously. “In every single one of them, Ellie. Honest-to-God.”

A tear trickled down my cheek, but it was a happy one. A relieved one. An I’m-so-damn-in-love-with-Finn-Kerr-it-ain’t-even-funny one.

My eyes fell to his lips. “I forgive you,” I whispered.

“Does that mean we’re okay?”

“We’ll get back to okay eventually. But right now, I just want right now. I want the broken, the happy, and all of the in-between with you.” I smiled.

“I want that too.” He smiled back.

I leaned over, tilted my head up a little, and kissed him. He smelled like metal and oil, and it was becoming one of my favorite smells in the entire universe. Finn’s kisses never got old. The pressure of his lips against mine and the familiar perfection every time our lips met was way better than rocky road ice cream and watching
The Breakfast Club
.

L
IFE WAS LOOKING BETTER,
because Finn was back in it. Summer was just around the corner, and we couldn’t wait. Only two days left. We had plans to have countless bonfires, become beach bums at the lake, and maybe even take a day trip to somewhere. We were excited not to have the stress of assignments from school. This was the summer before our senior year. We were going to make it count, dammit.

Tryston and Jane had decided to be friends and were already seeing other people. Well, Jane was seeing a lot of other people, while Tryston was hot and heavy for some out-of-town chick none of us had met. I thought he was lying just to act like he didn’t miss Jane, but Finn was convinced, since Tryston was rarely around.

“You sure you don’t mind?” I asked between kisses, not caring that the rest of the student body leaving school were staring at us.

“I said I didn’t, didn’t I?” He laughed. “Just shut up and kiss me for longer than a few seconds.”

I laughed and reached up to turn his hat backwards. I kissed him like no one was around, even though we were in the student parking lot and turning heads.

“I’ll see you after you’re done?”

“Yeah. Sorry I can’t go with; my uncle has me doing all kinds of shit. What time do you plan on coming home?”

“By 10ish. Alyssa’s been wanting me to hang out, so I want to stay for a couple of hours.”

He kissed my cheek, my jaw, and down my neck. “Call me if that prick shows up, okay?”

I closed my eyes. Finn’s lips on my skin distracted me.
What did he just ask me?
I sure as hell wasn’t paying attention. My eyes fluttered open, and he laughed at me.

“Call me if Channing gives you trouble,” he repeated, knowing I hadn’t been listening.

I smiled and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him. “I will. But Alyssa promised it was just me and her tonight. No worries.”

“You say that, but I worry.”

We kissed one more time.

And another.

And another.

We couldn’t seem to stop. I moved away, and he kept pulling me back into his arms and kissing me more. The only thing that stopped us was us both bursting into laughter at how ridiculous we were being.

He let me go and stuck out his bottom lip. He was pathetic. And adorable. And sexy. And…I laughed at myself and shook my head. If I didn’t leave, I’d be all over him again.

I took off toward my car, laughing at Finn for chasing me. I got in, shut and locked the door, and stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and shook his head.

“I love you, Elena Johnson!” he yelled loudly enough for me to hear through the glass.

I winked at him and started the engine before driving away from the school.

JANE WAS ALWAYS STAYING
at my house now. My dad and Nancy were working practically every weekend, so she liked being where she could get away with murder, and I liked that I didn’t have to be alone. I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, singing the songs on the radio. Jane was in the living room, lounging on the couch, watching a movie.

I had to work a four-hour shift for a co-worker tonight. At first, I’d almost said no, since it was Saturday and Finn and I didn’t get to hang out like we wanted to the night before. Alyssa talked me into staying the night with her, and Finn understood. But my co-worker had covered for me when I went to see my grandpa, so I owed her. Besides, I’d be home by 9:30, so that’d still give me time with Finn before he had to go home.

Since we were getting more serious, his mom was getting stricter on his curfew. It used to be 11:30, and it was now 10:45. And if he wasn’t there on the dot, she was calling and freaking out on him. I didn’t like it, but I understood. She was just being protective. I almost wished my parents cared enough to be protective too. Almost. I liked my freedom, though.

I came out of the bathroom texting Finn. We were trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our hour together after work. I rounded the corner to go into the living room where my purse was and ran into someone. I screamed and dropped my phone, so I could cover my mouth. When I looked up, I cursed under my breath.

Channing.

In my house.

I glared past him at Jane who was holding her hands up like she had no choice but to let him in. I looked up at Channing.

“What are you doing, Channing?”

Finn could show up any minute. He even mentioned taking me to work and picking me up tonight. But I never responded because Channing scared the shit out of me. Jane could’ve at least warned me he was here.

“I’m going crazy without you. I get it, Ellie. You don’t want to see me. I know being friends is too much to ask, but dammit, I miss you.”

“How many times are we going to do this? How many times are you just going to show up randomly in my life before you realize I want nothing to do with you! I felt like we ended things on good terms at the funeral. Why can’t you just accept that we had our time together, you fucked up, and now we’re at a point in our lives where it’s okay to move on and be with other people?”