Authors: Glen Cook
“You sonofabitch, you want to keep your pretty boots, you’d better get real cooperative real sudden.” I thumped Mr. Gonlit once atop each shoulder, briskly, not far from the sides of his neck.
Instantly, Bic began to have trouble lifting his arms.
The little man was tough in his way. He never stopped struggling — until I dragged the second boot off him. Then he went limp again. Without volunteering to make my life any easier.
“Bic, I’m gonna take your shoes home with me. Maybe give me a good shine.” It had been my intention to drag him along with me, too, but I’d just heard a troubling sound, one I’d honestly never expected to hear. But rumors had been circulating for weeks so I recognized it in plenty of time.
The sound was a whistle. Rather like the shrill of a boat-swain’s pipe. Somebody from the guard’s foot patrol wasn’t far away and he’d heard that there was trouble. He was summoning assistance.
Changing times. Relway and Block just have way too many ideas for advancing the case of law and order. Not that I mind too much when they interfere in someone else’s business. But my business is mine.
I said, “My friend and I have to run. I’ll take good care of your boots. You know where to find them. When the mood hits you, drop by the house. You can pick them up.”
I was drawing to an inside straight, betting his boots were that important to him. I would’ve talked more but now whistles from several sources were sounding closer and closer.
I headed for home. I was halfway there before I realized that the Goddamn Parrot wasn’t with me. When I got home I went straight to the Dead Man to find out why.
The manner in which you dealt with the exigencies of your situation seems well chosen. However, it did leave considerable leeway in the hands of Mr. Gonlit. It seemed prudent to keep watching eyes and a nagging voice somewhere near him. Lest he surrender to a fit of common sense and just abandon his boots.
You do have those still? Excellent. Would you summon Miss Pular? She is in the kitchen helping herself to a snack. Dean has retired for the night.
We will try to discover why the boots mean so much to our rotund nemesis.
Did you, by the by, discover how it was that he was able to see in the dark?
“’Fraid not. The question went right out of my head when I heard those whistles.”
Old Bones was wide-awake and in rare form, nothing escaping the notice of his several minds. I wasn’t going to be allowed anything less than wide-awake myself until he sucked up all the outside information he wanted.
18
Singe sniffed Gonlit’s boots. That wasn’t a task I envied her. Their fragrance had been less than appealing while I was toting them, even carried at the ends of their strings. But ratpeople don’t seem to be repelled by odors the same way we humans are. Nor are they offended by the same scents.
Hard to credit in some cases but I’ve been around Singe long enough to know that it’s true.
The famous Gonlit boots had soles layered more than two inches thick. They had fake glass emeralds and rubies and little brass rivet heads all over them. I thought they looked pretty shabby these days. Maybe old Bic was farther down on his luck than rumor suggested. He wasn’t so big-time that popular interest tracked his every step.
At one time the boots had been white. At one time, so the story went, Bic Gonlit had dressed all in white, even unto the extremity of an all-white, wide-brimmed version of the Unorthodox missionary’s hat.
That would have been years ago, though, when Bic would have been more prosperous because he was less well known. That would have been during the days before he learned that having a signature look was no advantage in the bounty-hunting business. Your quarry would see you coming.
The boots themselves, by reputation, were enchanted. How so remained an open question. They hadn’t added anything to his getaway speed. But, on the other hand, he’d been able to see in the dark.
Maybe we’d winkle out all the facts when Bic came to reclaim his treasures.
The Dead Man and Singe communed about those boots.
I jumped suddenly. My eyes had fallen shut. I don’t know for how long. Long enough for the lamp to have gone out. Now just a single candle burned on the top shelf of the Dead Man’s memorabilia case. He and Singe weren’t troubled by the shortage of light.
Garrett.
I heard a racket up front.
One of the two nuisances had awakened me.
The Dead Man wasn’t going anywhere. I got up and stalked to the front door. The racket there persisted. I began thinking that maybe Mr. Gonlit needed a whipping, just to remind him of his manners.
I used the peephole for its dedicated purpose.
Surprise. That wasn’t Bic Gonlit trying to make my neighbors dislike me even more. That was three or four guys who had no manners to be reminded of. The loudest was none other than our beloved chief of the city Guards, Colonel Westman Block himself.
It’d been a while since we two had crossed paths. He seemed to have grown in that time, both in stature and in confidence.
I turned away on the theory that he could use a little deflation.
Allow the colonel to enter, Garrett. That will serve us better in the long run.
“Took you long —” Block snarled as I swung the door inward. “Damn! Garrett!” he barked when I swung it right back shut, bruising his nose.
Garrett!
“Just a little courtesy lesson.” I opened the door again.
Colonel Block appeared more flustered than angry. And his goons — three gorillas damned near as big as Saucerhead Tharpe — wore dazed looks, as though they were asleep on their feet, with their eyes open.
“Good evening, Colonel. How can I help you?”
Evidently the shock had been enough to startle Block into a case of the courtesies. That or some light touch from the Dead Man. “Yes. We’ve had reports of some unusual events, Garrett.”
“This’s TunFaire. We have wizards and priests enough here to supply the world with weird.”
I led Block into the Dead Man’s room while we talked. His goons remained outside, still as memorial pillars. He replied, “But in this instance there’s reason to believe that you might be involved.”
“What? Me? How come I get blamed for everything?”
“Because someone fitting your description, accompanied by persons fitting the descriptions of known associates of yours, including a cursing parrot, was seen near the sites of several unusual incidents. I’m disinclined to accept the explanation that your evil twin was out there trying to scuttle your reputation. You don’t have one.”
Go ahead and tell him the truth, Garrett.
I’ve cooperated with the authorities on most occasions. It rankles but, to be honest, it’s never been that huge an inconvenience.
So I told him the whole story. Sort of. Almost. In the young peoples’ abridged form.
Then he told me a story. His was a lot shorter.
“Coming up here we ran into a crowd of ratpeople. Twenty or thirty of them, trying to work up their nerve for some villainy. When they recognized us they scattered like roaches. A couple of my guys mentioned seeing a little fat man running with them. Either one of you want to say something about that?”
“I would if I could, boss. But I don’t have any idea.”
The Dead Man had no comment at all.
Block asked, “Any ideas about these lights in the sky, these flying helmets and whatnot? People keep seeing them and getting upset about them so other people keep telling me that I have to do something about them. Nobody has any suggestions about what the hell that might be and I don’t have any brilliant ideas of my own.”
“You’ve started to regress. You had your language so cleaned up you could’ve fit in at court.”
“That’s what’s causing it. Polite society. Those folks have more demands, and can make bigger pains in the ass of themselves, than any three normal human beings.”
“Who’s telling you to do something about those things? Do they really think you’d interfere in wizards’ experiments?”
“Get real. It’s wizards doing the demanding, Garrett. They can’t figure out what’s going on. So they expect Colonel Westman Block of His Majesty’s Royal TunFairen Civil Guards to unravel the mystery for them. Meantime, Wes Block can’t keep his own feet untangled. But they don’t need to know that. How much does the Prose kid know?”
I’d been afraid we’d get to that as soon as he’d mentioned the failed investigations of our lords of the Hill. “I don’t know. Not much more than squat, but he’d like everybody to think he’s in on the secrets of the universe. He’s a loon. Eighty percent of what he says is complete ‘I-want-you-to-think-I’m-special’ hooey.”
“Does he know where to find those stray elves he picked up?”
“My guess is, he can get in touch somehow if it’s critical. But we don’t know where he is.”
“Yes. That’s right, isn’t it? That other bunch snatched the boy up. So you say.” He gave me a look filled with suspicion. He was succumbing to Relway’s Disease. Trusting no civilian.
Sometimes I think Deal Relway divides the population into three categories. The smaller two consist of known criminals and of policemen, with a very fuzzy boundary in between. The other, largest category includes all the rest of us. And we’re all just crooks who haven’t been found out yet. And we should be treated accordingly.
Block eyed the Dead Man. “Is he asleep again?” Old Chuckles had shown no sign of sentience since the colonel’s arrival.
“An excellent question. Lately I’m getting random moments of nonsense but nothing consistent. I’m worried. He may be on that last level ground before he hits the slippery slope down.”
Block scowled, still suspicious. He had heard this one before.
I said, “Indulge my curiosity. How come you’re out prowling the streets yourself? I thought you guys had a division of labor where the colonel stays back at the Al-Khar snoozing and harassing prisoners while the rest of the guys do all the real work.”
Block didn’t respond right away. He glanced at the Dead Man again, definitely wondering if he could get away with telling me less than the whole truth. “When your name came up I knew it was bound to get exciting. It made sense to get close to the center of the action right at the beginning.”
I didn’t need the Dead Man to tell me that Block was dealing me a steaming hot load. The Hill might not be behind the flying lights and pots but somebody up there wanted to be involved. And when the Hill wants something even its biggest detractors put on a show of flashing heels and flying elbows. Not many people relish the notion of spending the rest of their lives dead and being tortured.
Which is no contradiction where the top-ranked sorcerers are involved.
You might, by a stretch, be able to say that Colonel Block and I are friends. Not thick and thin, hell and high water, blood brother friends but guys who like and respect one another, who are willing to lend a helping hand to one another, where it’s possible to do so.
It was conceivable that Block was doing so at the moment, so that I wouldn’t walk into something entirely blind. And so that, in return, he could tap me for a little information that would keep him in good odor with the people prodding him from behind.
I can do that for him. It’s worked out for us in the past. The tricky part is keeping outsiders from forming the idea that we can get along.
Block observed, “You really are a big old barrel of nothing, aren’t you...? What the hell is that?”
The pixies out front had declared war. Possibly on themselves, they were so raucous.
They’d been silent since my return. So much so that I’d begun to suspect an evil influence at work.
“Pixies,” I told Block. “I seem to have adopted a mob. Against my will. I’d better see what’s got them excited.” Inasmuch as the Dead Man didn’t seem inclined to inform me.
I heaved out of my chair and headed up front. In the small front room the Goddamn Parrot was asleep already, muttering in his diabolical dreams. No doubt he had protested his recent utilization by making a mess Dean would nag me about for weeks.
Block followed me. Through the peephole I watched one of his escorts fling something upward. I said, “Your boys are tormenting my pixies.”
“I’d better get them out of here before it gets out of hand, then. Don’t hesitate to let me know if you learn anything useful.”
“You wouldn’t accidentally let slip which sorcerer types are interested in my problem, would you?”
“Not hardly. Not even if I knew. But I think you can safely assume that just about anybody up there would be interested in gaining the secrets of flight.” He opened the door, went out growling. “What the devil do you men think you’re doing?”
“They started it. They were throwing...”
Chunk!
The door cut it off.
19
I returned to the Dead Man’s room. “So how come we needed to chase Block and his pals away? And how the hell did the Goddamn Parrot get back in the house?”
Mr. Bic Gonlit is out there awaiting an opportunity to reclaim his magical boots. Colonel Block was unable to add anything more to our meager knowledge.
Miss Pular opened the door for Mister Big while you were napping.
“
Did
Block add anything to our meager knowledge?” I didn’t like that business about Singe opening the door with nobody to back her up. Old Bones isn’t always attentive to detail.
Only internal confirmation of most of what he told you. The people on the Hill have become exceptionally interested in unusual celestial events of late. In Block’s mind they’re convinced the flying objects represent a threat from foreign sorcerers. Although a minority believe that a rogue cabal of Karentine wizards are behind what has been happening, hoping to elbow the rest out of the inner circles of power. Whatever the truth, the root concern is those people’s fear for their positions.
“Oh, they wouldn’t like to lose their power, would they? Do I need to go out and catch Bic Gonlit?” Because I was bone-tired. I was ready to hit the sack, skipping the evening’s last five or six mugs of beer.