Anathema (4 page)

It takes what seems like forever for the pain
to become bearable enough to move. I don’t even want to blink, so I
just close my eyes, trying to shut out Jimmie’s prone form in front
of me. All the while, I’m screaming and crying, and it doesn’t
matter anymore. Jimmie and Griffin are both gone, and it’s my
fault. I’m stuck in this hellish world that makes no sense.

When I can finally lift my head up without
feeling as though lightning is striking me, I try to sit up. My
face is soaked with tears, and I draw the back of my hand across my
cheeks as I get to my knees and crawl to Jimmie. Once again, my
vision has returned to that funhouse look so I try to believe that
just because I don’t see him breathing doesn’t mean anything. It
could be a mistake. He could still be alive.

“Jimmie.” My voice warbles with the pain, and
I’m so tired. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I force
myself to reach across him, too, my hand lingering just above his
neck. For a few seconds, I just can’t make myself touch him, afraid
of what I’ll find, but then I force my fingers downward. Once
again, no matter where I search, I feel no gentle throbbing beneath
the skin, no signs Jimmie has survived.

“No,” I scream and slam my hand against the
ground until it hurts. I want to cut it from my body, anything to
stop what it’s doing.

“Jimmie, you have to get up,” I whisper. More
tears run down my face. “I can’t do this without you. Period. You
have to get up.” I start tugging at his body, trying to propel him
into movement, but he lies there like a stone no matter what I
do.

“Jimmie! Please!” I cradle his head in my lap
and stroke his face, thinking that will bring him around. I know
what he’s gonna say. “Lizzie, you sick or something?” And he’s
right. It’s the “or something.”

I don’t know how long I sit there, crying and
touching Jimmie’s face, expecting he’ll come back to me, but when I
finally realize beyond any doubt Jimmie is dead, I softly lay his
head back on the carpet and force myself to get up. Swallowing the
bile in the back of my throat, I force myself to head toward the
kitchen. My balance is so out of whack I knock off a lamp and a few
books from a table in passing before I finally get there.

The room is dark, but I know it well. I don’t
bother turning on the lights before I go to the cutting block and
pull out the first knife I can find. I glare at my hand, trying to
ignore the tears and then lay it palm up on the counter. I slam the
knife into it.

Pain. I scream and pull the knife out. Blood
pools darkly and in the jagged cut. But my fingers still wriggle as
they should, and I can’t have that. I don’t want to kill anyone
else, so I bring the knife up again.

Suddenly someone grabs me from behind. A
strong hand grips the hand with the knife, stalling my motion,
while the other wraps itself around my waist.

“No!” I scream, thrashing. “I have to do
this! I have to!”

“Elizabeth, it’s okay. You’re okay!” A cold
fear washes over me as I recognize the voice. Lev. Sweet Jesus, he
can’t be here. Not now.

“No! I’m not!” I scream. “You have to get out
of here. My hand!” I look at it, searching for the glow that could
kill him.

“Shhh!” he whispers in my ear. “Your hand
will heal. You need to stop fighting, baby.”

I see my hand start to glow and thrash
harder. “No! No!” I try to bring the knife toward me, but Lev is
stronger. He doesn’t know I will destroy him.

“Stop fighting, Elizabeth. It’s going to be
okay.” I can hear him trying to be calm, but I know better. He’s
just as afraid as I am, but he’s thinking of me—and it’s gonna get
him killed.

My perception dwindles to that blindness and
heat vision, but since he’s behind me, I see only blackness ahead
except for the hands that hold me. No, I think, realizing the fire
doesn’t have to jump from me to him. If I’m touching him, it will
work just as well.

“No!” I scream, thrashing as violently as I
can. Even as strong as Lev is, he’s completely taken by surprise
and barely maintains his grip as I try to free myself. Suddenly
there is another source of white heat in front of me, and I try to
clench my fist to contain the growing power I feel there, but I
can’t. Once again, I have no control over my body.

“Elizabeth, you have got to calm down. We
can’t help you until you do.”

The voice fills my mind, but this isn’t Lev;
it’s Evan. That must be who’s standing in front of me. He’s not
safe, either. “Please go,” I whisper. My body feels so tired, and I
suddenly stop fighting Lev as the energy builds in my hand. “I
don’t want to hurt you.”

“Slow her heart,” Evan orders.

Suddenly there is this humming, and I feel my
heart slowing even as the light shoots from my hand. This time,
there is a wall there it harmlessly bounces off.

“Now what?” Lev asks.

“Make her sleep.”

“It’s okay, Elizabeth. Let go of the knife.”
His touch is soothing, and his voice suddenly sounds musical. I
blink two or three times, and my vision starts to clear so I can
see Evan’s clear form in front of me. He’s holding his hands up,
and the white light is bouncing off an invisible wall. His wings
are fully visible, and he glows with the bright light.

Lev kisses my temple and whispers something
in my ear. Then that other blackness swoops in and takes me with
it.

Chapter Three

“
Elizabeth, can you hear me?”

The voice is deep, distorted, and far away,
buried beneath the vicious pounding that pulses in my temples. “Go
away,” I whisper. “Please just go away.”

I try to cling to the blackness, aware of
what will happen if I fully awaken. The nightmare will continue,
and there is only one person left who matters-Lev. I’d rather die
than go through that loss all over again.

“
You have to wake up.” The voice is less
distorted and closer. Although I still cannot recognize it, I have
a feeling it’s Lev.

“
No. If I wake up, I’ll hurt you.”

Suddenly there’s an image of me standing in a
white room when Lev appears. He wears white pants, and his
shirtless chest glows golden in the bright light. His skin is
translucent, ethereal. His wings seem so much taller than I
remember, and he holds my hands in his. His expression is cast in a
worried frown.

Immediately, I try to pull away, terrified of
being too close. “Get away from me!”

“
It’s okay. You can’t hurt me here.” He
holds me despite my struggles and pulls me into his
embrace.

“
Where are we?” All around us, all I can
see is stark whiteness—no walls, windows, or doors. Just endless
space, and Lev with me.

“
An…alternate dimension.”

I shudder against him and feel his arms
tighten around me. “I don’t understand. What’s happening?” I feel
like I’m about to fall apart, so it’s a good thing he’s holding
me.

“
Shhh,” he soothes. “You’re going to be
fine.”

“
No,” I whisper. “Not after what I’ve
done. I wish I were dead, Lev!”

He pulls back. “What you’ve done?” I don’t
understand.” He shakes his head in confusion.

“
Griffin. And Jimmie.” My voice breaks,
and I start crying. I look down at my hand and spot a bandage which
makes me cry even harder because it reminds me all the more of my
transgressions against those I love.

“
What about them, Elizabeth? I don’t
understand what you are getting at.”

“
They’re dead,” I sputter. “I killed
them.” I feel my body sinking as my knees give way, but Lev’s hands
sense the shift and support me.

“
No, Elizabeth. They’re not dead. You’ve
got to listen to me. The dagger is doing something to you. I’m not
sure what, and I’m not sure about the trigger, but not everything
you’ve seen is real. A lot of it is just in your head.”

“
So what didn’t I imagine?” I ask, trying
not to think about the images of Griffin and Jimmie dying.

“
Your hand. What you did—that’s real.” He
touches the bandage and when he looks at me, I see the pain in his
tight-lipped frown. He looks scared as hell, and that alone
threatens to send me into
orbit
. It’s never a good thing to
be able to unnerve an angel.

“
Jimmie and Griffin are both fine.” He
reaches out and touches my face. “It’s you I’m worried
about.”

“
No.” I try to pull away even though I
want to stay there, feeling his caress for the rest of my life. I
know I can’t, not at this cost.

“
Elizabeth, they’re fine. I promise you.”
Lev follows after me, his hands reaching for me.

“
I believe you,” I finally manage, my
voice raspy from all the tears I’m keeping so tightly locked inside
. “But they’re only going to stay fine if I remain here, where I
can’t hurt them. The minute I leave this place, I put them in
danger, and I’d rather die first.”

For the first time, I see anger darken Lev’s
features as those ocean eyes boil into a violent, churning storm.
“You listen to me, Elizabeth Moon. You can’t stay here! You can’t
pull yourself out of life because living it scares you. That’s not
an option.”

His hands latch onto my arms, and I try
unsuccessfully to pull away. “Yes, it is!” Let go!”

“
No.” His grip tightens. “I know you want
to protect them, but this isn’t the way, and you know it. You have
a reason to be afraid of this power, but truth be told, even if you
stay here, locked in a self-imposed prison you mean to use to keep
them safe, that doesn’t mean you won’t destroy them. Your body
doesn’t need your mind to kill, Elizabeth. It can do it just fine
even if you stay here.”

“
No!” I scream and jerk away. I start
running. I don’t know where I’m going, and it doesn’t matter. I
just want to escape from his words because they’re tearing me
apart.

Lev catches me, and I whirl to face him. “Why
did you stop me!” I look at my hand. “Why didn’t you let me tear it
apart?”

Lev gently grabs my hand. “And do you think
that would have stopped it? Elizabeth, it isn’t just about your
hand. The power is fused to your entire being. Even if you cut off
your hand, your body will still kill. Trust me.”

I burst into tears and start sinking, Lev
tries to grab me but I’m falling too fast for anyone to stop the
momentum. We both end up on the ground. He wraps his arms around
me, and we both sit there. He rocks me as I cry, realizing this
nightmare is never going to be over. Never.

“
It’s going to be okay. I promise,” he
whispers, kissing my ear.

“
How can you say that? It’s not your
promise to make, is it?”

He peers into my eyes and rests his forehead
against mine. “I know you think this is impossible, but we will
find a way to get through it. And yes, it is a promise I can make.
You just have to trust me. Can you do that?”

Knowing there are no other choices, I nod.
“Can Evan protect you?”

He nods and squeezes my hand. “Yes. It will
be fine.”

“
Okay. How do I get back?”

He kisses my forehead. “Just close your eyes
and follow the sound of my voice. Remember—it will be okay.”

“’
Kay.” I start to close my eyes but then
stop.

“
What’s wrong?”

I peer up into his eyes and find my small
reflection filling them. “I’m scared, Lev. I don’t want to lose
you, and I don’t know what’s going on.”

“
You couldn’t lose me if you tried.” I
open my mouth to argue,
and he slips his fingers over my
lips. “Yeah, I know a couple of months ago you tried. It didn’t
work then, either, if you remember. Now close your eyes.”

I stare at his face, memorizing the way I
look in his eyes, hoping he’ll always see me like that, no matter
what happens. He brushes his thumbs across my eyelids, and I let
them close. Everything seems to fall away. I hear a voice calling
my name. It seems so distant I have to reach for it. My mind is
sluggish, like I am swimming through deep water, trying to reach
the surface.

The distance and distortions in the voice
fade and I find myself awake and well aware of the horrible
pounding in my head and the pain throbbing in my hand even before I
force open my eyes.

“Elizabeth? Can you hear me?” Lev’s
voice.

“Stay away,” I whisper, hoping I’m speaking
louder than it sounds. I open my eyes and find, to my dismay, he’s
leaning close to me.

“Calm down,” he says.

“Go away,” I say louder, despite the fact
that raising my voice intensifies the pain. When I see he’s not
going to move, I try to sit up. His hand shoots out and nudges me
back down.

“You’re too weak to attack anyone, okay? I’m
not in any danger, so stop fighting me.”

“Where’s Evan?” I look around the room,
searching. He’s the only one who can fight this power. He has to be
here.

“In the living room, talking to Jimmie. You
need me to get him?”

I shake my head and lick my lips, realizing
just how parched my throat is. Lev grabs a glass of water from the
nightstand by my bed. As I start to take it, I see the thick, white
gauze wrapped around my hand. It startles me so badly I almost drop
the glass, but Lev is there to steady it.

“My hand. What happened?” I look at him,
pleading.

He sets the glass back on the nightstand and
takes my wounded hand in his. “You…did…this.” His voice is
strained, and I can tell by the tense line of his shoulders and the
hard set of his jaw he’s struggling not to show emotions.

“What about Jimmie…and Griffin?” My heart is
speeding up, and I feel my thoughts swirling crazily. I grip the
blankets tightly in one fist, all the while staring at his face,
begging for certain words to come out.