An Impossible Confession (20 page)

‘She held place enough for him to still carry a miniature of her around with him. I saw him at Bourne End, gazing at it without knowing I was there. I could tell that he often looked at it like that, but he denied even knowing who the woman in the miniature was. I knew the miniature seemed familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then the woman in the next carriage at Farrish House said something about nearly having come to the ball as Mistress Fuchsia. That’s when I knew why the miniature had seemed familiar – it was a portrait of Mrs Tully in her most famous role. It was because she spurned him in favor of you that he hates you, my lord.’

‘Has he admitted it?’

‘I haven’t faced him with it, I just know I’m right. I also think I know why he chose a way of hurting you that would also hurt Gregory. Margaret once told me that before she’d fallen in love
with Gregory, Ralph had been her admirer, although she hadn’t known it. Losing her to Gregory probably meant that in Ralph’s warped view Gregory merited a little punishment, although perhaps not as much punishment as you, because Margaret hadn’t meant as much to him as Mrs Tully.’ She glanced at him. ‘That
is
why he did it, he had no more reason than wounded male vanity, but the damage is done, and he doesn’t intend to undo it before he leaves at dawn for Falmouth. His threat to Lady Bowes-Fenton is as potent as ever, my lord, and any attempt to force him to confess to everything would certainly still result in your sister’s ruin. Our hands are tied, and have to remain tied.’

For a long moment he looked at her, his eyes piercingly blue. ‘You are an excellent storyteller, Miss Fairmead, and I’ve no doubt that a great deal of it is true,’

‘It’s all true!’

‘Perhaps I should rephrase it – it’s what you’ve
omitted
to tell me that makes me doubt your complete veracity, Miss Fairmead.’

‘I haven’t omitted anything, I’ve told you the absolute truth. I love you, I’ve loved you from the first day we met, and if you asked me to go with you now, I’d go. I’m prepared to throw my reputation to the winds for you, I’m prepared to turn my back on my family….’

‘But you’re not prepared to tell me everything. Oh, if only you knew how much I want to believe in you, for I admit that I’ve felt for you everything you’ve claimed to feel for me, and if I could look into your eyes at this moment and see the innocence and honesty I so dearly wish to see, then I’d gladly open my arms to you again.’

‘You
do
see that innocence and honesty!’ she cried. ‘Everything I’ve told you this evening is the truth, I haven’t told a single untruth.’

‘As I said,’ he responded softly, ‘it’s what you’ve omitted to tell me that gives the lie to your fulsome claims to thwarted innocence. I believe your story about the stay at the inn, and I believe what you’ve told me about Ralph St John’s motives for everything, but what I don’t believe, and cannot believe, is that you were
unwilling
to enter into a betrothal with him.’

Stunned, she stared at him. ‘That isn’t so,’ she whispered. ‘I
loathe him, I turned him down, and only entered into a betrothal because I was forced!’

‘I have just cause to think you’re lying, Miss Fairmead, three just causes, as it happens.’

‘I – I don’t know what you mean.’ Her voice caught helplessly, a thousand thoughts swirling confusingly in her bead. What was he talking about? What three just causes?

‘I’m talking about two tender kisses, outside the Bourne box today when you said farewell to him. I’m also talking about this. He took a letter from inside his coat, holding it out to her.

Her hand shook as she took it. Fragments of broken seal fell to the grass as she opened the letter to read.

Helen stared at the signature. This was Ralph’s vengeance, his promised
billet-doux
, and oh, how effective it was. Slowly she folded the paper, her hand shaking as she handed it back to him. ‘Since you speak so firmly of having three just reasons to disbelieve me, I can only think that you’ve spoken to Lady Cowper.’ Her heart was breaking.

‘Naturally.’

‘Oh, naturally,’ she whispered, blinking back the tears. ‘Every word he’s written is a lie, except that there
were
two kisses, but I didn’t invite them, he knew that I wouldn’t dare to do anything about them. Throughout all this I’ve been mindful of your desire to protect the sister you love, and if I feel obliged to remind you of the fact, then you must forgive me, sir, but I think that under the circumstances such a reminder is in order. He told me today that he was going to send this to you, and he said he was doing it because he guessed I’d said a little too much to his father. He
doesn’t
want to go to Jamaica, but his father is forcing it upon him; this letter, this
billet-doux
, as he was amused to call it, is my
punishmnent
.’ Tears were stinging her eyes, refusing to be denied any longer.

‘You’re right, of course, my sin is one of omission, for I should have told you that that is what he intended to do, but I didn’t and now you’ve fallen neatly into his trap. Think what you will of me, Adam, there’s obviously nothing I can do about it; but there’s nothing you can do about the way I feel about you. I love you, and I always will. I wanted to tell you everything from the outset, but it’s taken until now, and if there’s still something I’ve failed to confess, well, I don’t know what it could be. Put the omission down to weariness, rather than guile. Good-bye, Adam.’ Choking back a sob, she hurried away from him.

Tears blinded her. The heartbreak was a burning pain that seemed to shriek right through her. Everything was over, and he thought more ill of her than she’d ever dreamed he would. Distraught with emotion, she stumbled a little as she fled back to the horses, where a startled Peter took an anxious step toward her.

‘Miss Fairmead?’

‘I’m all right, Peter, I just want to go home.’ She almost snatched the reins from him, fumbling as she mounted.

Peter caught her horse’s bridle. ‘Don’t go just yet, miss, there’s a large party of gentlemen leaving in a minute or so, I can see them getting ready. There’s safety in numbers when Lord Swag’s about!’

But she was too upset to listen, urging her horse away so that Peter had to let go, He was in a quandary for a moment, wanting more than anything to travel safely back to Bourne End, but she was riding away at speed, and she was his responsibility. Resignedly, he began to mount his cob to pursue her, but as he did so, a hand restrained him. He turned sharply to find himself
looking
into Adam’s quick eyes. ‘S-sir?’

‘Did I hear you mention Lord Swag a moment ago?’

‘Yes, sir. We saw him when we were coming here.’

‘Then get after her, I’ll be following!’

Without waiting a moment more, Adam ran toward the jetty. Peter urged his cob away in Helen’s wake, and he glanced back in time to see Adam hurry up to a guards officer friend, demand his pistol, and then dash away with it in the direction of his waiting horse.

Peter brought his cob up to the fastest pace it could manage, but already Helen had vanished from sight along the road, where evening shadows were now very long indeed as sunset approached.

Helen was so upset she hardly knew what she was doing. Tears blurred her vision, and sobs racked her body as she urged her nervous horse toward the great copper beech by the track to Herne’s Glade. She was devastated that Adam could so totally spurn her, and the misery folded over her so numbingly that she didn’t at first see the motionless mounted figure barring the track ahead. Realization swept icily over her as her horse’s headlong gallop checked sharply, and its head came up uneasily. She reined in, confused at first, but then her frightened gaze picked out the silent still figure in front of her.

Terrified, she stared at him, her heart almost stopping as she saw the glint of fading sunlight on the barrel of his pistol. Other hoofbeats drummed along the road behind her, and she turned, hoping to see the company of gentlemen, but it was only Peter. The dismayed coachman reined in as well, maneuvering his cob alongside her as the highwayman silently motioned him to do so.

Helen glanced tearfully at him. ‘I’m so sorry, Peter, this is all my fault.’

Lord Swag moved his horse toward them, the slow clip-clop ominously threatening. His face was concealed by the shadow from his hat, and by a scarf tied around his nose and mouth. He wore no gloves, and Helen could see how dirty and rough his hands were; he may have been known as Lord Swag, but there was nothing lordly about him at all.

He reined in in front of them, jerking the pistol toward Peter. When he spoke, his voice was thin and nasal. ‘Reck’n I knows you my laddo; reck’n I left you in a ditch a while back. You’ll be poor pickin’ this time, but this fine bit o’ muslin, she’s more promisin’.’ The pistol moved back toward Helen, indicating her watch. ‘That’s a pretty trinket, my lovely, so why don’t you ’and it over, like a good girly.’

Her hands were shaking so much she could barely handle the watch, let alone unpin it, but even as she struggled with it, a single pistol shot rang out and Lord Swag gave a sharp cry of pain, his pistol clattering to the ground.

Helen screamed, and the horses were startled, but then a new sound filled the air, the thunder of many hooves as the party of gentlemen appeared at last Lord Swag was wounded in his right hand, but seeing retribution bearing down on him in force, he somehow found the strength to turn his frightened horse, urging it away along the track in the direction of the main highway.

Adam’s voice rang out to the gentlemen from the bushes where he’d managed to hide long enough to take aim. ‘After him, it’s Lord Swag!’

They needed no further urging. With excited and angry cries, they made off in pursuit, their horses kicking up a cloud of choking dust.

Helen’s hunter was thoroughly upset, capering nervously around and threatening to unseat her. Peter tried to grab the reins, but each time the frightened horse moved just out of reach and it was Adam who caught it at last, riding from the bushes and
reaching
over deftly to seize the bridle. Then he looked at her pale face. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Yes.’ His face was still cold, and she knew there was no hope he’d changed his mind about her. She found the strength to meet his eyes steadily. ‘It seems I owe my safety to you yet again, my lord.’

‘I, on the other hand, owe you nothing at all,’ he replied,
glancing
at Peter. ‘I’ll escort you to the gates of Bourne End.’

‘Yes, sir.’ The coachman looked unhappily at Helen, but she’d averted her face from them both, trying to hide her misery.

Adam dismounted to retrieve Lord Swag’s fallen pistol, then he mounted again and they rode on.

The sun was setting fast now, and the shadows were merging. Soon it would be dark. The horses’ hooves echoed as they passed through the gates out of the great park, and the scent of elder
blossom
was heady in the forest before they emerged onto the twilit heath. Fires flickered on the open ground, as the grooms and stableboys in charge of the many racehorses sat around enjoying the evening.

A strange calm descended over Helen, and when Adam left them at the gates of Bourne End, riding away without another word to her, she didn’t turn to watch him, even though she wanted to with all her heart. He’d severed all friendship, and now she had to continue with her shattered life.

But it wasn’t over yet, and if she thought what had happened so far was bad enough, it was as nothing to the developments that were already in progress.

S
he dismounted at the house, giving the reins of her tired hunter to Peter. ‘I’m sorry for everything, Peter.’

‘That’s all right, miss, for I understand. I’m only sorry it didn’t go as you hoped.’

‘I’m sorry about that, too,’ she replied, turning to go wearily into the house. She still felt imbued with an odd calm, but perhaps it was just that she felt absolutely drained. Her emotions had been sorely tested over the past week or more, and tonight’s
denouement
had been too much; she’d slipped from living on nervous energy to a dull resignation that all her dreams had been dashed forever.

As she stepped into the chandelier-lit hall, however, she was jolted from her listlessness by the sudden appearance of a
desperately
anxious Morris. ‘Oh, you’re home at last, Miss Fairmead! Please come quickly, the mistress is very upset indeed, and I’m afraid she’ll make herself ill.’

Helen looked at him in astonishment, and then alarm. ‘What’s wrong? Has something happened to the colonel?’

‘The colonel came home earlier, miss, and then he ordered his horse, riding off with considerable haste to Windsor.’

‘Windsor? But what on earth for?’

‘I don’t know, miss, but I do know that the mistress was close to hysteria when he rode off. Her maid managed to calm her a little, but she’s still weeping and distressed.’

Helen unpinned her hat and tossed it onto a table. ‘Where is she?’

‘In the drawing room, miss. She won’t retire to her bed, no matter how much we try to persuade her.’

Pulling off her gloves as well, Helen laid them beside the hat and then hurried to the drawing room. What on earth could have happened? She could hear Margaret’s unconsolable sobs before she opened the door, and as she entered, Margaret’s maid looked up from where she was kneeling by a sofa. Margaret was lying face down, her face hidden in the sofa cushions, and her whole body was racked with shuddering sobs. The maid got up and stepped aside as Helen hurried across the candlelit room.

‘Margaret? Margaret, what’s wrong? Please tell me what’s happened.’ She knelt in concern, putting a hand on her sister’s shaking shoulders.

The sobs stopped abruptly, and for a long moment Margaret lay without moving, then slowly she sat up, turning her tear-stained face toward Helen and brushing her hand away. Her eyes were angry, and there was a bitter twist on her lips. ‘How can
you
ask me that? How can you possibly pretend you don’t know what’s wrong?’

Helen stared uncomprehendingly at her. ‘I – I don’t
understand
.’

‘I know all about your sordid liaison with Adam Drummond. I heard you talking to your maid just before you rode off to meet him. Oh, yes, I know that’s where you’ve been now – Gregory got it out of the maid. How could you do it, Helen? How could you slyly meet that man while living under this roof? Have you no shame? No sense of loyalty and honor? What did they teach you in Cheltenham? How to be little better than a demimondaine? How swiftly did you surrender to his advances, Helen? At the first approach? Or was it the second? One thing’s certain, it didn’t take him long to make a wanton of you!’

Numb, Helen drew back in dismay. The accusing words beat against her like blows, and the scathing resentment in her sister’s tone cut into her like a knife.

Margaret’s eyes flickered toward the hovering maid. ‘Leave us.’

‘But, madam….’

‘I said leave us!’ cried Margaret, her voice rising.

‘Yes, madam.’ The maid scuttled out, closing the door softly behind her.

Margaret’s furiously reproachful gaze swung back to Helen.
‘You’ve been a snake in our bosom, a viper, enjoying our love and hospitality, then betraying us with
him
! Are you so besotted with him that you enjoy making us the objects of derision throughout society?’

‘It – it hasn’t been like that at all….’ began Helen, struggling to steady herself.

‘Hasn’t it? How else can it be interpreted?’ snapped Margaret, getting agitatedly to her feet, her coral wrap hissing angrily, like the snake she’d just likened Helen to. ‘When I first realized what you were up to, I couldn’t believe it. Oh, I was angry, but I just wanted to save you from yourself, and from him! Now I’ve had time to think about it, and I see you for what you really are – a sly, deceitful, disloyal
chienne
, undeserving of any sympathy or love!’

‘Please, Margaret, if you’ll only let me explain….’

‘Let you try to talk yourself out of it, you mean,’ replied Margaret, whirling about to face her. ‘Very well, let’s hear your excuses, I’m sure they’ll be enterprising.’

Helen closed her eyes for a moment, for that was the second time this evening she’d been accused of lying cleverly.

‘Well? I’m listening.’

‘I haven’t been disloyal to you by meeting Adam, because he didn’t do what you accuse him of.’

‘My, my, either he’s gulled you completely or you think me addlebrained.’

‘He
didn’t
do it, Margaret!’ cried Helen, rising to her feet from where she was kneeling by the sofa. ‘He didn’t do anything to harm you and Gregory last year. Ralph St John was the real villain.’

Margaret stared at her, and then gave a derisive laugh. ‘Oh, I might have
known
you’d turn on poor Ralph! It’s the obvious thing to do in your position, for he won’t be here to defend himself, will he? I didn’t think you’d sink so low, Helen, but on reflection, I suppose you’re running true to form. You were low enough to pretend to invite his attentions when all the time you were seeing Adam, so why should you not try to heap the blame for your lover’s sins on to him as well?’

‘You’re wrong about Ralph St John, Margaret.’

‘I don’t want to hear any more.’

‘Ralph is so sunk in vice that there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to have his own way, and to punish those who offend him!’

‘Enough! I won’t hear any more from you!’

‘Margaret….’

‘I said enough!’ Margaret’s control snapped, and she struck Helen sharply across the cheek, her fingers leaving angry marks.

Helen’s head snapped back and her breath caught. Rubbing her stinging skin, she backed away a little. ‘I don’t deserve this,’ she whispered, ‘and no matter what you think, Adam is innocent of everything.’

Margaret was a little shaken at what she’d done. She pressed her trembling hands against the folds of her wrap, her tongue passing over her dry lips. ‘Innocent? That’s not how his seduction of your innocence should be described,’ she said quietly.

‘He hasn’t seduced me.’

‘I suppose you’re bound to say that.’

‘It happens to be true. Margaret, if anyone has set out to seduce, it’s me. I wanted him so much I was prepared to set all propriety aside in order to pursue him.’

Margaret drew a long, shuddering breath. ‘Do you honestly expect me to believe that? He’s a man of the world – experienced, attractive, sure of himself – and you are a green girl, just out of school. Have done with all this foolishness, Helen; admit that he’s far from the knight in shining armor you’re pretending he is. He embarked upon your seduction, and you succumbed. That’s all there is to it, and nothing you say now will change my mind on it. Why should it, when you’ve proven yourself a liar of the highest order?’

‘Oh, Margaret, you’re so very wrong,’ whispered Helen. ‘Please believe me, for I’m telling the truth. Let me explain about Ralph, and why he did all those things, let me tell you the real reason why he’s being forced to return to Jamaica immediately with his father….’

‘And let me explain where Gregory has gone now,’ interrupted Margaret, her voice thick with emotion. ‘He’s gone to seek out your precious Adam, to call him out for what he’s done to you.’

Stunned, Helen stared disbelievingly at her. ‘No. No, that can’t be so, it
mustn’t
be so!’

‘It
is
so. Your deceit and selfishness have brought us to this, Helen Fairmead, and I hope you’re proud of yourself.’ Margaret turned and went to the bellpull, tugging it.

Helen was still standing dazedly where she was as Morris hurried in. ‘Madam?’

Margaret didn’t turn to face him. ‘Escort Miss Fairmead to her room, Morris, and post a footman at her door to see that she
doesn’t
leave.’

The butler gaped. ‘M-Madam?’

‘I believe I spoke clearly enough, Morris. It is the colonel’s wish that my sister is kept under strict guard, so I would be obliged if you would do as you are instructed.’

‘Yes, madam.’ Hesitantly, the butler turned toward Helen, who had recovered a little from her initial shock and looked
imploringly
at Margaret. ‘You cannot mean to lock me up!’

‘Oh, I mean to, Helen, for how else can we be sure you aren’t slipping away to your lover? Morris, take her to her room, if you please.’

The unhappy butler came to take Helen’s arm. ‘Begging your pardon, miss, but I must do as I’m commanded.’

There was nothing she could do but allow him to remove her from the room. As they reached the door, Margaret spoke again. ‘I shall never forgive you for this, Helen. Never.’

Helen didn’t say anything; indeed, what was there for her to say? Margaret wouldn’t believe a word of the truth, and with Gregory bent upon challenging Adam to a duel, what point was there in trying to explain that all their conclusions were the wrong ones? She could only hope that when Gregory came face to face with Adam, and learned Adam’s side of it, he wouldn’t feel there was any point in fighting for the nonexistent honor and reputation of his wayward sister-in-law. Adam was bound to repeat his version of her conduct, and that would certainly leave Gregory without any just cause to throw down the gauntlet on her behalf.

Morris lit the candles in her room before withdrawing and
carefully
locking the door on the outside. Still shaken to the very core by all that had happened in so very short and bitter a space of time, she went slowly out onto the balcony, looking out over the dark park. The scent of summer flowers was sweet in the air, and the
remnants of the sunset stained the western sky a dull crimson. She heard the footman taking up his position outside her door, and she lowered her eyes sadly, knowing that Margaret had indeed meant every word she’d said.

Taking a deep breath, she went back into the room, looking at her disheveled reflection in the wall mirrors. Her likeness seemed to gaze forlornly back from all sides, a crumpled, disheartened figure in a mustard riding habit she’d never want to wear again. Suddenly she despised the beautiful garment, knowing that the very sight of it would always bring back the memory of this awful day. She began to undo the buttons, stepping out of the habit and then tossing it aside, for the very touch of the fine cloth offended her now. Hurrying to the wardrobe, she selected a simple white muslin chemise gown, and in a short while had changed her riding boots for little satin bottines and was seated before the dressing table, dragging her brush through her hair as if with every stroke she eliminated one of the many problems besetting her; except that she wasn’t eliminating anything at all, her problems were such that they’d remain with her for the rest of her life. And all because of one man’s singular and perverse spite.

How long she’d sat there alone before the dressing table, she didn’t really know, but at last she heard hoofbeats approaching the house. Hurrying to the balcony, she was just in time to see Gregory riding along the drive. What time was it? She turned, going swiftly to the riding habit to remove her watch. It was gone midnight. Slowly she pinned the watch to the bodice of her gown, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. Would anyone come to tell her what had happened?

The minutes seemed to tick endlessly by, but at last she heard Gregory’s step at the door. The key turned and he came in. He looked tired and drawn, and there was the same bitterness in his eyes that she’d seen earlier in Margaret’s.

She rose hesitantly to her feet. ‘Gregory?’

‘I trust you’re well pleased with yourself, madam.’

‘Please don’t think badly of me, Gregory.’

‘I know of precious little to commend you.’

She swallowed. ‘I – I know what Adam believes of me, but I swear it isn’t true.’

‘I have no idea what he believes of you, for he didn’t express an opinion.’

She looked quickly at him. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘I waited for him at his address in King Henry Crescent, and when he eventually arrived, I faced him with his despicable advances toward you.’

‘But, he didn’t,’ she whispered brokenly. ‘He didn’t do anything to me.’

‘On the contrary, he gave me to believe that he had indeed been set on seducing you.’

She stared at him, taken completely by surprise. ‘That can’t be so,’ she said haltingly.

‘It’s very much so. He then said that he had no wish to accept my challenge, but I naturally gave him no choice. You are my sister-in-law, Helen, you’re just nineteen years old, and until you met him, you were completely innocent and unversed in the ways of the world. By his actions, he set out to ruin you, and for that he must face the consequences. A duel will take place at dawn. We meet with pistols at five o’clock in Herne’s Glade.’

Weakly, she put out a hand to steady herself on the post of the bed. ‘Gregory, this is all madness. He’s lying; he didn’t set out to seduce me.’ She was so upset, her voice was shaking. Tears filled her eyes, and confused disbelief numbed her thoughts.

‘I know you’re lying to try to save him, Helen.’

She rounded on him then. ‘Save
him
? I want to save you
both
, you’re
both
dear to me! I know that your army training has made an excellent shot of you, Gregory, but I also know that he is very accurate indeed, for he saved my life again this evening, this time from Lord Swag. Oh, I’m not going to try to explain it all now, I just want you to know that this duel cannot be allowed to go ahead, because your opinion of him, and your interpretation of his actions, are based on Ralph St John’s lies! Adam hasn’t done anything to damage y‘I’m not prepared to argue, Helen, my mind is made up on tour honor, Gregory, nor has he attempted to ruin me. You
must
believe me, for I’m telling the truth!’