An Accidental Man (30 page)

‘Supposing, to save your life,' said Gracie, ‘you had to hold on to a trapeze with your teeth, do you think you could do it?'

‘No,' said Ludwig. ‘Whatever put that into your head, Poppy?'

‘I was discussing it with MacMurraghue at dinner. In fact one's back teeth are awfully strong, and if —'

‘Darling Poppy! Look, darling, you will come to my place, won't you, just to say hello to poor Austin?'

‘You said I needn't.'

‘I keep thinking about that child who was killed. I feel so sorry for Austin. If you just smiled at him it would help. So little for you, so much for him.'

‘Do you rate my smiles so cheaply?'

‘Darling, you know I —'

‘Ludwig, we'll never have rows, will we, like other married couples do, never, never?'

‘Never.'

‘Austin's unlucky. I fear unlucky people. It's contagious.'

‘We ought to share our happiness, Poppy.'

‘No, I'm afraid. That's a very dangerous idea, Ludwig. Our happiness is not a great sum which we've got and can give. It's just a dream. We haven't achieved it. We don't deserve it yet. I have nothing for anybody else. I just want to seize you and hold you. The generous years may come later. If there is any later.'

The dusty floorboards converged on a window framing cherry-leaved vistas of brick houses. The neat trapped garden was sweet and desolate with ordinariness. Such indeed, if one was lucky, was life. They would lie in bed and see the cherry trees in flower. She was right to fear the gods.

‘We'll be happy here,' said Ludwig. They moved into the next room.

‘And
this
,' said Gracie, ‘shall be the nursery. Miss Thorrington will baby-sit. I've already asked her.'

There was a strange hazy look in her eyes. O god, thought Ludwig, perhaps she's pregnant already!

Dorina sat surrounded by her judges. She fought back tears. Garth was smiling at her with a smile which she could not understand. There was no complicity in his smile however. It was meant simply to help her. It was not meant to remind her that he had kissed her. Although they were both conscious of that too.

Clara was ending a rather long speech. ‘So as I see it, my dear, you can do no harm and only good if you come and stay with us. George entirely agrees and joins me in inviting you. Austin can come and see you there. We'll look after you. We'll sort of chaperone you. You can go out with Austin and then come back and stay with us, you can do whatever you like and feel protected. You'll be like our daughter and Austin can come and court you! Don't you agree, Mavis? Mavis and I have talked it over, we've all talked it over.'

‘It's the first I've heard of it,' said Charlotte.

‘I did try to telephone you,' said Clara.

‘The telephone's cut off.'

‘George will pay Austin's telephone bill,' said Clara. ‘We needn't even tell Austin.'

‘Does Austin know?' said Dorina. ‘I mean about this idea of my coming to you?'

‘Not yet,' said Clara. ‘We thought we should tell you first and tell him when you'd agreed.'

‘He won't like it,' said Dorina.

‘Really, Dorina,' said Clara, ‘you mustn't be so slavishly sensitive about what Austin will like or not like. That's always been part of the trouble. Please forgive me for speaking so frankly. Besides,' she said, aside to Mavis, ‘I don't think he'll mind
now
.'

They behave as if I was not here, thought Dorina. How can they speak like that. She understood perfectly what Clara meant. She looked at Garth to see if he understood. He smiled his mysterious helpful smile.

Mavis, with lips a little parted, was gazing vaguely across the room. Her eyes were big and dazed. Last night she had lain for hours in Matthew's arms. He had wanted to make love to her but she had not let him. They had talked softly for hours about themselves. Next time she would not refuse his love, she would give herself utterly. Tonight, perhaps. Dorina knew, of course. Mavis had returned late. Dorina had been waiting up alone. Dorina said, ‘You smell of tobacco. You smell of man.' They had not talked of it further.

Charlotte was thinking of an aching tooth and of three pieces of paper which she had in her pocket. She touched the tooth with her tongue, the papers with her finger. She had not meant to pry into Austin's things. She had found a key on the dresser which fitted an old trunk and had opened the trunk looking for sheets. It was full of a jumble of old letters and photos. She saw a photograph of Matthew, young, plump, graceful, with copious fair hair, hands in pockets, laughing beside a river. After that she had started to delve further and had found something which had led her very much to speculate. Charlotte too was in the secret of Mavis's vague look. Not that Mavis had told her. Charlotte had seen Mavis and Matthew together, laughing in a certain sort of way, and Charlotte had become stiff. She felt this stiffness in her now, the stiffness of age and envy and barren hate.

Clara thought, I am putting on a silly sort of manner, I always do when Char is there, she sort of makes me. Why can't I sound more sincere? After all I am sincere. ‘Most sincerely, dearest Dorina,' she said, ‘we do just want to help you. A change would do you good. We'll invite Austin. We'll give a little party for you. Anything.'

Dorina shuddered.

‘A sort of engagement party,' said Charlotte, and laughed.

‘Don't be silly, Char. I mean Dorina can have her friends over at our place —'

‘I have no friends,' said Dorina.

‘Come, come,' said Garth. Everyone stared at him, expecting him to say more, but he said no more.

‘I haven't any friends either,' said Charlotte. ‘I think Dorina should come and stay with me. Wouldn't you like to, Dorina?'

‘Yes,' said Dorina, ‘but —'

‘It wouldn't be suitable, Char,' said Clara. ‘We're much more ordinary than you, if you see what I mean. Dorina needs the ordinary.'

‘I agree that you are more ordinary than I am. But do you mean that Dorina and I might drive each other even dottier than we already are?'

‘Don't be silly. I just mean we've got more of a real base than you have. After all a happily married couple — all right we know we're very bourgeois — but we can give a sense of security — we can organize things — if she needs to see anybody or —'

‘You mean if she needs to see a psychiatrist?' said Charlotte.

‘No, no, I just thought — nothing in particular — Dr Seldon for example, he's so understanding — in a way it'll be easier for her than here with Mavis.'

‘Does Mavis agree?' said Charlotte.

‘Yes,' said Mavis, looking at Charlotte for the first time. Their eyes met with a shock. Could Mavis read Charlotte's thoughts, Charlotte wondered. ‘I think a change from here will do Dorina good.'

It will do her good, thought Mavis, I am not just pursuing my own ends. I never thought of it in this way before, but perhaps Clara is right. Dorina and I have always kept up the fiction that all is well. Maybe Dorina should see a psychiatrist. But she would be ashamed to see one under this roof.

Dorina thought, they want to tidy me away. As things are at the moment I stand between Mavis and Matthew. Matthew cannot come to this house with me in it. I contaminate it, I contaminate Mavis. Matthew must not come near me because of Austin. My case has got to be tidied up and closed. They want to arrange for Austin to come and collect me. But I can't go to the Tisbournes, I can't. Oh let me not weep now.

‘Thank you, Mrs Carberry,' said Mavis.

Mrs Carberry put down a tray of tea and biscuits. Mrs Carberry was thinking about Ronald. Ronald had been crying all the earlier part of the morning at home. Mr Carberry, who was out of work again and living on National Assistance, had shouted, ‘Take that bloody brat out of this house before I murder it.' Mrs Carberry had brought Ronald to Valmorana although she knew that Miss Argyll did not really like this. Ronald was now crying in the kitchen downstairs. Mrs Carberry was listening hard to see if Ronald's crying was audible in the drawing-room. She thought it was not, but then she was becoming increasingly deaf. The doctor could do nothing about that any more than he could about her arthritic leg.

‘What do you think, Garth?' said Clara.

‘What does it matter what Garth thinks?' said Charlotte severely, but with a friendly look at Garth all the same.

‘I am only here by accident,' said Garth. He had come to consult Mavis about the future of his job. Something was wrong, he wanted his life to have some sort of significance which it lacked. ‘What I'm doing is all bits and pieces,' he complained to Mavis, who seemed surprised that he thought this mattered. ‘Our work is like that,' she said. ‘Perhaps the best thing in the world is just visiting old people. What do you expect?' He did not know what he expected. He felt that he could not think
properly
about anything, and perhaps the solution was not to think at all. Yet was that
his
solution? He was going that afternoon to see Mrs Monkley, who had had some sort of collapse and was in hospital. He was looking forward to this because there was drama in it. He had thought a lot about the little girl and he felt very sorry for the parents and for Austin but he could not conceal from himself the fact that he found it all a bit exciting. It was life-giving, even pleasurable. Because of Austin, these things were significant, just as what was happening at this moment was significant. It was helping dreary people with whom he was not dramatically connected that made his life seem grey. He had not anticipated this at all. Of course he must change himself, but how? He admired Mavis's slightly cynical professionalism the more because he felt it was not natural to her. As Clara and Mavis and Charlotte were still looking at him he said at random, ‘I think Austin and Dorina should go away together for a holiday in Italy. Uncle Matthew will pay.'

‘A sort of honeymoon?' said Charlotte sarcastically.

‘Are you serious?' said Clara.

Mavis just shook her head.

Dorina dissolved quietly into tears.

‘Now look what you've done!' said Clara.

‘I'm sorry,' said Garth. He wished he could talk to Dorina alone. Now whenever he came to Valmorana she ran away to her room. He felt sure he could help Dorina, but it was the old dramatic feeling again.

Mavis thought, why is all this happening, I did not intend it. I was talking to Garth and then Charlotte arrived to see Dorina and then Clara arrived as if she expected to take Dorina away in her car. And Clara seemed to know about me and Matthew, well I suppose everybody does by now. Does Dorina imagine I organized this scene? Does she think I'm trying to get some public sanction for throwing her out? She thought, I shall discuss it all with Matthew tonight, he is so wise. Thank God. Tonight. Yes, yes, yes.

Mavis said, ‘Darling, you shan't do anything you don't want to do, that's clear at least.'

Dorina wailed, ‘But I don't know what I want to do!'

Garth said, ‘Well, I'm off. I can't help. I just think nothing makes sense here until Dorina and my father get on to ordinary speaking terms again. Sorry, and goodbye. Cheer up, Dorina.' He left the room. He ran into Mrs Carberry on the landing. She had been sitting on the stairs. He thought she was eaves-dropping. But in fact she was just taking a short holiday from Ronald's tears. Just to be quietly somewhere by herself was a relief to Mrs Carberry now. It was one of her few positive pleasures, just to sit like an animal and breathe. She was too deaf anyway to hear what was going on in the drawing-room.

Garth went on down to his bicycle. It was simple and satisfying to get around London on a bicycle. Garth liked to see himself as a cyclist. He put on his bicycle clips, seeing himself. He wished he could talk to someone who was intelligent and educated enough to be impersonal, and not a woman of course. A pity Ludwig was locked away inside his ghastly ‘engagement' and its horrible social world. Garth felt too that Ludwig was somehow disappointed in him, and that grieved him. He was somehow disappointed in himself. As he cycled away he thought again of Mrs Monkley and cheered up.

Mavis led Dorina weeping up the stairs as if she were a little girl who had disgraced herself in the drawing-room. They went into Dorina's bedroom. Dorina spent more and more time in this room now. Dorina lay down on the bed and stopped weeping almost at once. Mavis sat down beside her and sighed deeply. A happiness concerned with Matthew floated Mavis upward like a rising tide.

‘I'm sorry,' said Dorina. ‘I know I must go away from here. It isn't just — Clara is very kind. But if I go to her she'll be busy about me all the time, and I — Oh how I wish everybody could forget me. I'm such a
thing
for you all — It's a form of wickedness. I mean it is in me.'

‘Don't be so foolish, my darling.'

‘It's an illness then. I don't want to see Dr Seldon.'

‘You shan't see any doctor if you don't want to.'

‘I know I must see Austin soon. Garth is right. But any particular moment for seeing Austin seems the wrong one, if you see what I mean. It's all become such a drama. And everyone's watching and they're so interested. I wish I could go away somewhere where no one knew me.'

‘Don't grieve so, my pet. It'll all come right somehow. I'll ask — Look, you take two aspirins and rest for a while. Then you'll feel better.'

‘I'm always resting. I do nothing else.'

‘Well, stay here now. I'll come back soon. Perhaps we might go out for lunch.'