Ambersley (Lords of London) (45 page)

“
Ahhh.” Worthing nodded. “Now I see. But Johanna, you must understand, a man can feel love without speaking the words.”

“
But that makes no sense to me.”

“
No, I’m sure it doesn’t. Nevertheless, it’s the truth. As for mistresses—they rarely inspire deep abiding emotions. I’ve had a string of them and never loved a one.”

Johanna dared a glance at him, but not by a flicker of his eyes did he appear to be lying. “So, you think it’s possible Derek loves me, but says naught.”

“
Have
you
told
him
?”

“
I’ve tried, but he believes women are incapable of sustaining the emotion. He has so little reason to trust any woman.”

“
All the more reason for him to discover he is wrong. Take heart, Johanna, I believe his feelings run deeper than you imagine.”

She stood, agitated by the hope he might be right. “Oh, would that were so.” Then an idea struck her. Before she could reason herself out of it, she sank back onto the bench and laid a hand against his firm jaw. “You’re a man, St. John, can you not teach me ways to make a man love me?”

He said nothing, and fearing she’d offended him by stepping so far beyond propriety, she met his eye to gauge his mood. He stared off over her head, his lips set in a grim line, his eyes glittering in the torchlight.

Behind her, she heard footsteps.

“
I’m sure Worthing could teach you many things.” Derek’s voice sounded from the shadows. “But he knows too well the dangers he risks by dallying with another’s wife.”

Johanna stumbled to her feet, berating her own foolishness. Already, Worthing had stepped forward to shield her from her husband’s wrath. The two men squared off like roosters preparing for a fight to the death.

“
I should think no one knows those dangers better than yourself, Derek,” Worthing replied.

Derek’s jaw locked in an uncompromising line. He looked her way, spearing her with angry eyes. “Johanna, go inside and wait for me in the ballroom.”

“
No, you don’t understand—"

Worthing interrupted her. “Johanna, be a good girl and do as your husband bids. I promise, no harm will come from this.”

Her teeth tugged on her bottom lip as she considered both men once more. Their attention was so riveted on one another, she wasn’t sure either would heed her explanations. Knowing she’d driven the wedge between them even deeper, guilt enveloped her.

“
Go!” Derek’s command spurred her retreat, leaving the two men alone.

“
She’s misjudged you,” St. John said after she left. “She thinks you do not love her.”

Derek’s hands fisted at his sides, but he managed to control the initial urge to bash St. John in the face. “I’ll thank you to remember my wife and I need no help from you.”

“
Your wife seems to think otherwise,” St. John replied evenly. “If you continue to hold her away as you have me, I fear she’ll stray.”

Derek tensed. “In your direction? Is that your excuse?”

“
Don’t be an ass. You bloodied my nose once. I’m not inclined to provide you cause to do so again. But then, neither did I put her in your keeping to see her hurt.”

“
I would never hurt her.”

“
No?” St. John stared at him in silence. “She’s been married a fortnight and she’s unhappy. Whose fault is that?”

“
My wife’s happiness isn’t your concern.”

“
No, it’s yours. See to it.” With a nod, St. John shouldered past Derek.

Derek gripped his arm, bringing them nose to nose.

St. John’s teeth glinted in a warning grin. “What, will you mill me down at my own party? Take a little brotherly advice—stop fighting the world at large. Your worst enemy is yourself.”

“
I hold what is mine,” Derek warned, his words vibrating with anger. “If I catch you with her again, I’ll run you through.”

St. John didn’t flinch at the threat. “Know this—I’ll not betray my friendship to her. If she comes to me again as unhappy as she is now, I’ll do anything in my power to help her. If that insults you, then I suggest you call upon me tomorrow to demand satisfaction.” With that, he pulled free from Derek’s grasp, straightened his coat, and returned to the house.

Derek exhaled slowly, expelling the murderous thoughts that had gripped him since he first saw Johanna touching St. John’s face. He thought of Reginald Vaughan’s silent acceptance of his wife’s promiscuity.
One day you will love a woman with all your heart
, he’d said,
and then you’ll understand.

Derek did understand now, but he would never accept it.

And he’d make damn sure Johanna knew it.

~

Derek’s fury was further strained when he returned to the ballroom to find Johanna had disappeared. He was only slightly mollified to learn from Worthing’s porter that Lady Ambersley awaited her coach on the flagway.

With angry strides he stalked her, catching her as she ascended the coach. Without preamble, he pushed the footman aside and hopped in behind her, slamming the door upon them.

Across from him, she slid into the corner.

“
The party is no longer to your liking, Madam?”

Her chin lifted a notch. “The present company even less so, at the moment,” she countered.

Damn her, she was looking down her nose at him. “Forgive me, wife, I hadn’t realized I hindered you so.” Derek’s words dripped sarcasm.

“
You’re angry now, and there’s no point in discussing this until you will be reasonable.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, whether from a headache or to hide her tears, he knew not.

“
I warn you, Johanna, on this topic, I fear you will never find me ’reasonable.’ So let me be clear.” He leaned forward, crowding her in her corner. “Whatever your plans with Worthing, forego them.”

“
My plans—my God, what did Worthing say to you?”

“
He didn’t compromise you with words, but it’s obvious he’s your devoted servant. Nevertheless, you’re my wife, and I’ll not share you.”

The lantern outside the coach window cast pale shadows across her face. “So, my lord, that is what you think of me.” Her words shook with repressed fury. With a half-hearted laugh she leaned forward and her eyes narrowed to dagger slits as they pierced him. “If you thought I had so little regard for my own reputation, I’m surprised you wed me to save it.”

“
It was a mistake, I own it now,” Derek retaliated.

She jerked as if he’d struck her, but recovered quickly. “Be that as it may, I spoke those vows. And what’s more, I meant them. I love you, Derek.”

“
And what am I to believe? Your words or what I witnessed tonight?”

“
When have I ever lied to you?” she cried.

He watched her steadily until her gaze dropped and her shoulders sagged in defeat. Softly, he said, “So, be warned. Give yourself to another man, and—at the least—I will spurn you forever. At the most, I’ll kill the blackguard. Do you understand?”

She remained silent, her face averted.

“
Do
you?” Derek exploded.

“
More than you know.” Her voice sounded dead. “May I go home now?”

He said not another word but wrenched open the coach door and hopped out. With a wave, he directed the coachman to pull away at a smart trot.

Left alone on the flagway, Derek silently cursed Johanna, his own folly and his traitorous heart, now deflated and empty.

~

Unwilling to return to Worthing’s hospitality and even less willing to follow his wife home, Derek walked through the cool night to his club. Here, he tried to blot out the evening’s events by drinking and playing cards with three gentlemen he would barely have tolerated on a normal day. The gentlemen were pleased to count the Duke of Ambersley at their table and lost their money almost as happily as they won it. Derek left the table well after midnight, his pockets significantly lighter and his heart significantly heavier.

He returned to Grosvenor Square to find his room empty. He’d known it would be, but hadn’t expected the emptiness to be so bleak. He knew Johanna was only through the adjoining room, but the threshold may as well have been an ocean for all he could cross it.

He sat on the bed, his head in his hands, still haunted by the vision of her cloistered with Worthing in a puddle of torchlight. Approaching from behind, he’d seen a golden cast to her hair and noted the upturned chin as she spoke to the marquess. But it had been the way she’d boldly placed her hand on the man’s jaw that had cracked his calm. That and the deference Worthing showed her. Worthing truly cared for her. Worthing was the better man.

Damn.

A shiver descended his spine as Derek dragged himself to his feet. More than anything, he wanted to look upon his wife, to ensure she was safe. He stepped quietly to the door separating their rooms. No sign of light bled beneath the door, and the room was silent. By the light of a single taper, he pushed the door open.

Johanna lay curled on her side. Wearing a sheer white nightgown, her chestnut curls spilling about her shoulders, she resembled a sleeping angel. If not for the frown bending her lips, he might have faced her with a clearer conscience. As it was, he couldn’t blot out the horrible accusations he’d flung at her.

He desperately wanted Johanna to love him. And therein lay his painful dilemma. He couldn’t bring himself to believe her words of love now—not after he’d ignored her refusal to marry him and denied her the freedom to choose her husband as she’d begged him. The fault was not hers but his, for even if he believed she loved him, he couldn’t accept her love. He was so far beneath her, and his parentage had little to do with it.

Your worst enemy is yourself.
St. John had hit home with that remark, and now Derek understood why.

Despite the power and prestige he commanded, he knew himself to be a usurper. He wouldn’t confess his love without also revealing to her the truth behind his ignoble birth. And how could he face telling Johanna of his birth without first doing right by the true Vaughan heir? In Derek’s determination to deny Rosalie access to the Ambersley coffers, he’d unfairly denied Curtis his birthright.

He’d dishonored Reginald Vaughan. Generations of Vaughans. Would he continue to dishonor the woman he loved?

No. Derek now understood he would never be worthy of her love until he mended this situation. How Society viewed him no longer mattered. He needed to look in the mirror and see a man deserving of Johanna’s love—a man with the courage and honor to restore Ambersley to the Vaughan family. A man who was St. John Trevarthan’s equal, if not in rank, than in character. A man with the selflessness to place his wife’s happiness first. Even if it left him with nothing.

He stole back toward his room but stopped in the doorway to gaze again upon his wife.

“
I do love you, don’t ever doubt that,” he muttered with ferocity. Snuffing the candle, he exited her room and closed the door without a sound.

Chapter 21

Johanna awoke with a blinding headache, the kind that only comes after a night of tears. She’d lain awake for hours trying to find the words that would somehow convince Derek she held nothing but an abiding friendship for Worthing. She still wasn’t sure if her husband had ever come home last night.

She reached for the hand bell to ring for Nancy, but her arm brushed across something on her pillows. She leaned up on an elbow while her head swam, and focused on the notepaper sealed with a wafer. Lifting it, she recognized Derek had addressed it to her. Nervously, she broke the seal and read the brief note.

Forgive me. Last night has reminded me of a duty I cannot forswear. Believe that I want only your happiness, so while I denied you your right to choose a husband, I grant you leave to choose your love. Should you wish to leave, Paget will help you make preparations.