Always Us (We Were Us Series Book 2) (10 page)

I hugged him tighter. I didn’t want to see his reaction, I didn’t want to see his face. I imagined the disappointment and anger that he probably felt. I squeezed my eyes shut for fear of tears. I didn’t want to cry about this. It was stupid.

“I thought I loved him and he broke my heart.” The tears I didn’t want, fell now.

Andrew rubbed my back with his hands, the grasped my shoulders and pushed me away from him. He tilted my chin up when I kept my head down.

“You need to talk to me about these things. Holding in the hurt won’t make it go away. Ignoring things will only make them worse.” His eyes were sad, his face defeated.

The tears came in sobs now. Everything I hadn’t wanted to think about from this summer came rushing back.

“I hate my mom. I hate how’s she’s ruined my life. I don’t know how to love or be in a relationship or talk to people about anything. I hate Michelle’s dad and how he’s just getting away with everything. He’s not even in jail right now and he should be. He should be in a cell next to my mom. I hate that Josh keeps calling me and messing with my head. He’s apologized, why can’t he just leave me alone?” My words came out in a rush so I barely knew what I was saying. Andrew just sat in front of me listening to my rant.

“Jenna, I want to be here for you. I want you to tell me these things. But I need you to be here for me too. I want a relationship with you. I want to love you someday.”

I smiled at his words. He didn’t care about my past or my drug dealing mother. He cared about me now and that was something I needed to hold onto. He pulled me back to him in an embrace and I relished in it. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him. I never wanted to let go.

“You smell good,” I said after a few minutes to break the tension.

“So do you, like pancakes.” I felt his lungs expand when he inhaled.

“I went to the café this morning.”

“Sounds delicious.”

I pulled away from him with a start. “I didn’t even eat. I left the pancakes in the car. With bacon.”

“You got bacon and didn’t eat it? That’s like, a cardinal sin.”

“I know!”

Getting up, I followed him over to the couch where we both sat heavily. He grabbed the remote before I could and turned on a football game. I snuggled into his chest and wrapped my arms around him.

“This was the worst day ever,” he chuckled.

“Because of the bacon?” I asked. I really hoped he was making fun of the bacon and not making a statement about what had just transpired between us.

He kissed my forehead, “yes. Bacon should never be wasted.”

“Okay, never again,” I said and snuggled down closer to him.

“I think the Lions are going to lose,” he said.

“Don’t they always lose?”

“Yeah, they do.”

I smiled to myself and watched the rest of the game with him.

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Jenna, don’t be mad.” Michelle’s voice rang out in the empty apartment. Well, not totally empty. I was here and Andrew had stayed the night Saturday night. We’d stayed up way too late watching cheesy lifetime movies and I’d filled him on everything about my past. I told him about my mom and dad, leaving Riverview in the middle of my senior year and about Josh. It was a long, but good weekend and he was currently asleep on my bed.

I, on the other hand, was still half asleep and in my pajamas, a tank top and white printed pants and no bra. I was attempting to make coffee but was failing miserably. I’d already forgotten the filter and I’d just tried to start it without any water.

Wait a minute.

“Michelle?” She wasn’t supposed to be here. I was supposed to be leaving in a couple of hours to pick her and Lauren up, hence the coffee making attempt.

“Jenna?” Michelle asked.

“I’m in the kitchen. Why are you here and why would I be mad?” I asked. It’s not like she was late getting home, or bursting through our bedroom door at three in the morning. My back was to her as I attempted to fill the coffee filter with coffee. Most days I needed a cup of coffee in order to function enough to make coffee. Sad, I know.

“Jenna,” came a smooth, slow voice I’d recognize anywhere. I paused mid pour so that the water from the coffee pot stopped filling the maker. Half of it still remained in the pot, but I couldn’t convince myself to dump the rest in. Instead, I set the pot down on the counter and turned around to face him

He was a giant in our tiny apartment. He filled the entry way between the kitchen and living room. He was wearing his standard uniform: blue jeans and a plaid shirt, blue this time so his eyes were accented. Michelle peaked out from behind him.

“Sorry,” she squeaked.

I was at a loss for words. Josh was the last person I expected to see here or even wanted to see in my apartment. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to hide my braless chest, then I remembered he’d seen me naked so it didn’t even really matter.

“Josh,” I said stoically.

I tried my hardest not to look at him, but his presence filled every fiber of my being and pulled me to like we were magnetized.

“Can we talk?” he asked and took a step towards me.

I couldn’t step back away because I was already up against the counter. But it didn’t matter, I didn’t actually want to step back. I was still so mad at him but in this moment, I couldn’t wrap my head around why I was hanging on so tightly to this. I knew I was being a tad irrational, but if I gave in, even a little, then he’d find a hole to wiggle his way back into my heart, and I didn’t want that to happen. I couldn’t get hurt again. I’d found my resolve. I needed to stay mad so he wouldn’t hurt me again.

“I’m going to go,” Michelle said and she practically flew down the hall to our room.

Seconds later I hear her cry out, “Andrew?!”

“Andrew?” Josh questioned. He narrowed his eyes at me.

“Jenna!” Michelle yelled in my direction. This was going to end badly, I could feel it.

“Jenna!” It was Lauren. “Can you help me with this, Michelle just left…” her voice trailed off.

Andrew was walking down the hall rubbing his eyes. He hadn’t seen Josh yet, but he would any second.

“Jenna?” Josh questioned again.

“Josh,” I warned when I saw his fists ball.

He had no business being here. This was my place, my space, and I would not let him start anything here.

“Andrew, please go back to my room,” I said before anything could happen. Having them both in the same room was both exhilarating and horrifying. Like, my universe was about to implode on itself.

Andrew stopped short when he saw Josh. This was the first time they’d been in the same room together. My eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them. They were the same height, but their similarities stopped there. Josh’s thick, stocky frame made him look bigger than Andrew. Andrew was leaner, more willowy. His unruly black hair stood up at all angles, his dark eyes and tanned skin were in complete contrast to Josh’s fairer complexion, blond hair, and piercing blue eyes. And right now, I’d bet Josh could shoot daggers out of those eyes.

Andrew caught my glances and held up his hands in mock surrender and retreated back to my room. I hated that he did that. Not that I wanted him to fight for me, because that’s not what this was about. If I ever got what I wanted, Josh would just leave and never come back.

“Who’s that guy?” Josh asked when Andrew had shut my bedroom door. I’m sure Michelle would give him an earful.

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” I said to Josh.

“Who is he?” Josh pressed.

“Andrew. My boyfriend,” I shot.

“You’re with him?” he asked in disbelief. It stung to think that Josh was questioning my relationship status.

“Yes, Josh.”

He paused before continuing, “We still need to talk.”

“Like I said, I don’t have anything to say to you.” I walked towards him, hoping he’d back away from me and head for the door.

“But I have things to say to you.” He took another step closer. My hopes of a quick retreat had been dashed. Josh wasn’t going anywhere easily.

“Josh,” I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Jenna. Stop. You can’t ignore me. It’s not fair. You just left and didn’t say goodbye to me or my mom.”

“I know.” I looked anywhere but at him.

“I am truly sorry for the way things went down between us. I didn’t handle things well. I wanted to keep you and Michelle separate in my mind. We’d broken up, but only a few days before her accident. I felt responsible. And then you were gone and Michelle had no one. I mean, she had her mom and sister, but you were gone.”

“Not by choice!” I blurted out. I didn’t intend to engage in conversation with him.

“I know.”

“Josh, why did you come here?”

“To apologize…”

“You have and I get it.” I’d cut him off, he had something else to say but I didn’t think I wanted to hear it. “I accept your apology, you can go now.” I put my hands on my hips, hoping to look defiant, but the whole no bra thing negated that.

“Jenna, please,” he begged.

“Please what? You broke my heart. I have nothing else to give to you, nor do I want anything from you. You wasted a trip here if you thought cornering me in my own home would do any good.”

His shoulders sagged and his eyes left mine and looked off somewhere above me. My words had hit him, had hurt him. He sucked in a breath of air, held it, and then, let it out. Whatever else he had wanted to say left him.

“Fine.” He turned away and waved down the hall at Michelle before exiting the apartment.

I sighed heavily and turned back to my half-finished coffee maker. This was way too much to deal with before coffee.

Michelle pounded down the hallway from the bedroom and spun me around, her face just inches from mine.

“That was really rude Jenna. He came to talk to you and you just blew him off!”

“I,”I started.

“No. I’m tired of your attitude towards him. He didn’t even do anything wrong. Well maybe he did, but he feels bad about it. So you guys had a thing, you slept together, so he felt an obligation to me when I woke from the coma. Life happens, Jenna. It’s doesn’t always happen the way you want it to, but you have to take it how it comes. You say you hate him and want to avoid him, but you let him dictate every aspect of your life.

“I know,” I barely got a word in before she continued.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know. Other people have problems and if you’d listen, you’d know.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I half yell at her.

She wavers and clenches her teeth. She’s holding something back, I can tell. Her eyes dart around the room, looking at everything but me. Just like Josh had done.

“What is going on?” I prodded.

“I can’t,” she shook her head at me. “It’s not my story to tell.” She sighed, her eyes pleaded with me not to question her any more. “Please, just talk to Josh.” We exchanged a glance before she stalked back to our bedroom and slammed the door.

I was speechless. And a little offended. We’d always told each other everything. Was it about her mom? Did something happen with her dad and that’s why her mom was so quiet while I was there? The last I heard, he was living in an apartment and on house arrest, complete with an ankle bracelet and awaiting trial.

But she wouldn’t ask me to talk to Josh about her parent’s situation. Maybe I should talk to Josh. I abandoned the coffee and grabbed a cardigan off the back of the couch and ran to catch Josh before he left for Riverview.

“Jenna?” Andrew’s voice stopped me just before I reached the door.

“Hey,” I said, feeling a little guilty. I was about to leave him here alone and chase after my ex.

“What was that all about?” he asked and pulled me into a hug.

“I don’t know,” I said into his bare chest.

I really didn’t.

“Why was Josh here?” His voice was even as if he was trying to hide how upset he was.

“He drove Lauren and Michelle home. Maybe he thought I’d talk to him face to face.”

“But you didn’t?” he released his hold on me and held me at arm’s length.

“No,” I shook my head.

“Why not?” he asked, his eyes locked on mine.

“Because,” I started. “Because he’s just going to apologize again like he has a hundred times before.”

“What is he apologizing for?”

“For leading me on this past summer,” I walked away from him and sat on the couch. The brown cover slipped, revealing the ugly burnt orange and pea green flowers.

“Leading you on?”

“Yes. Haven’t we discussed this?”

He joined me on the couch.

“Yeah,” he sighed.

“I mean, we had a thing, we slept together, several times. I thought I was in love with him. We have a history, we were best friends. And then, Michelle wakes up from her yearlong coma and suddenly I’m nothing. He tried to get me back, but I’d decided I just needed to move on. With you.” I added.

“I get that.” He stood up from the couch.

Andrew was the strong silent type. He was calm and patient. It took him a long time to mull things over. I think that’s why it had taken him so long to make a move with me. He’d wanted to make sure I was worth it, and I appreciated that. But he held so much back from me. I’d spilled all my secrets this weekend, but I hadn’t learned much about him. I needed to change that.

“Where are you going?” I asked and followed him back to my room.

“I need to go home. I have an early class tomorrow.” He was almost sad, but I didn’t think it was about class tomorrow. This whole thing was starting to wear both of us down.

“Okay.” He opened the door to my room and I saw Michelle sitting quietly on her bed. She looked up when Andrew entered and smiled at him.

A moment later, Andrew emerged with the clothes he’d had on yesterday, and his backpack stuffed with his books and the sweatpants he’d worn to bed.

He kissed me on the forehead before he left, but didn’t utter another word.

I stewed the rest of the day. Michelle stayed in our room and I only walked in to get dressed and grab my keys. She didn’t want to talk to me and I didn’t want to make things awkward by staying there, so I grabbed my computer bag and headed to the coffee shop.

It was quiet at the Java Bean for a Sunday. Usually students would fill every chair and booth available. Their laptops open, tablets set up, and headphones in, blocking out everything around them. I assumed they were working on school work, but sometimes I’d catch someone with their assignment open on their computer, but Netflix running on their tablet. Our generation is spoiled by technology and we weren’t even using it effectively.

I plopped down in a booth and plugged my power cord into the outlet. There was only one other person in the whole place. I guess everyone was still gone for break, or no one else had waited until the last minute to finish a huge assignment.

I mean, it wasn’t that huge. We had to pick an historic event and pretend it never happened and rewrite history to show how it would be without it. I was still clueless as to which major event I wanted to cancel. Obviously war would be a good event to cancel. Less death, less destruction, less violence in general. But if there was no World War II, how would we resolve conflict? Would war have happened anyway, just at a later time? There were so many things to think about and my mind kept wandering back to Josh.

What if we’d never fought? What if I’d remained unaware of Michelle and her condition, what if I’d left before she woke up, or never gone back to Riverview last summer? Would I be living happily with Stefanie , dating Andrew, and only worrying about this stupid assignment?

I can’t live my life in what ifs.

“Can I get you something?” the waitresses asked. She was all peppy and cheerful. The complete opposite of how I felt.

“Just a coffee. Black is fine, but bring cream and sugar.”