Allie's War Season Three (41 page)

I nodded, not answering. I straightened his shirt collar, still watching his face as he chewed mindlessly on the food.

"...Some kind of hollow tooth," Jon said dully. "They tried to wake him up, and he was already gone..."

I nodded again, not bothering to tell Jon that I knew that, too...or remind him that I'd been standing there, next to him, when the techs explained how Dorje died. He needed to say it. He wanted to hear it all aloud again, to make it marginally more real to himself. Even so, I couldn't help noticing how exhausted he looked, or how completely wrung-out his light felt.

"Do you want me to get you a drink, Jon?" I said. "Something to help you sleep some more?"

He shook his head, then looked at me, as if realizing for the first time that I was there. "Shouldn't you go? You're a newlywed again, right? Isn't Revik going to freak if you spend another night here with me...?"

I shook my head, clicking at him softly. "I highly doubt it."

"You sure about that?" He tried to smile. "I heard you guys made a stir the other day...before the meeting..." I saw him frown as the memory surfaced, right before he took another bite of food. "Anyway," he said. "That's what I heard..."

What might have embarrassed me a few days ago was nothing but a welcome distraction now. I rolled my eyes, seer-fashion, forcing a smile to reach my lips.

"Well," I said, rubbing Jon's shoulder. "That's their own fault, isn't it? Maybe if there weren't so many peeping toms in the construct, they wouldn't have to get all hysterical when Revik and I finally get a chance to be alone without armed guards. Bunch of old women..."

Jon snorted an involuntary laugh, taking another bite of the sandwich.

I could see more of him in his eyes again. I saw enough, in fact, that I wanted to keep him there, for a few minutes longer at least.

"Did they really freak out about us?" I said. "I'm amazed anyone would even be surprised at this point...but Revik said something was going on."

Jon glanced at me, his hazel eyes gleaming in the firelight. After another pause, he shrugged, as if pulling his mind back to our conversation.

"They joked about it mostly," he said. "But I could tell it made a few of them uncomfortable. Probably more in frustration than squeamishness, though. I think comparing them to a bunch of hormonally-challenged teenagers might be more apt..." Hesitating after trying to force another smile and failing, he added, "...'Dori had trouble with it. He hid it well...but, you know. It's going to be harder on him. At least until he gets used to it."

I shook my head, snorting in spite of myself.

"I highly doubt that had anything to do with me." Remembering our last argument, I gave another short laugh, clicking softly. "...He's been more mad at me lately than jealous. You should have heard him chew me out when I showed up in Revik's room in the first place. If anything, he's probably relieved to not have to babysit the two of us anymore...and it's not like he didn't know. He's known for months now, even before I got back from Beijing..."

When I glanced over, still smiling, Jon's face was serious.

"Yeah, he knew," Jon said. "Sure he did. But knowing and
knowing
are two different things. Anyway, however mad he's gotten at you, and however much he's yelled at you to justify it, I don't think it's all about protecting Revik. I think he's been mad about the Lao Hu thing, and the you leaving him thing...and just the you wanting Revik thing...a lot more than he's letting on. Even to himself maybe. It all got very real to him that morning, sis..."

Uncomfortable at the look on his face, I shrugged at his words.

"Well, that's good, right?" I said lamely.

"Yes," Jon agreed, nodding. He clasped my hand. "It is good. But maybe go a little easy on him. I think he's really trying to be a good sport about the whole thing..."

I nodded, unable to think of what to say.

I fought to hold onto the humor that had been there, however briefly. "Maybe you need to set him up, Jon. Find him a good woman...or man. I don't think most of those older seers have strong preferences about gender, do they? And you're a lot better at that than I am..."

Jon grunted, clasping my hand tighter. "I hate to break it to you, Al, but
everyone
is better at that than you are."

I smiled back, gripping his hand in return.

"True," I murmured.

I couldn't decide if Jon trying to comfort me was because it was easier for him to focus on me than on himself, or if we just slid back into these roles out of habit. The first thought was slightly more reassuring than the second, but both left me unsure if I should try to flip the dynamic back, or leave it where he was obviously more at ease.

After another pause, I saw that other look return to his face.

Instead of trying to talk, that time I just moved closer to him on the couch. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him against me when he let me. I held him almost too tight, as if to compensate for the fact that I had absolutely nothing to say to him that could possibly help. I wasn't sure if I should even be trying to take his mind off things, at least not this soon. I didn't know if I should let him go too far into it, either, when he was still obviously in shock. I didn't want to fall into the easy trap of finding things to say that would have helped me feel useful without doing jack-all for him.

He wiped his face again with a hand, and I hugged him tighter.

That time, he smiled faintly, but I could tell he made himself do it.

"It's okay," he said, almost like a seer might have, like he'd heard some portion of my thoughts. "I'm just glad you're here, Allie."

Again, I found myself staring at that grief in his eyes. He didn't seem to be able to deal with me looking at it, though, at least not for very long. Wiping his face again, he pushed out of my arms, his expression blank.

"You should eat," he prodded, pointing at the unopened silver tray with the third finger on his mutilated hand. "Before it gets weird, Allie."

More because he'd asked, I did as he suggested.

I knew my body, at least, should be hungry. I couldn't remember eating anything since coming out of that hibernation with Revik, although I figured I must have at some point, or I'd be a lot weaker than I was now. Even before the meeting with Vash and the others, Revik and I talked about being starved as we shoved our bodies back into clothes. We'd talked about where we'd go eat, too, once we finished facing the firing squad. Vash getting killed and Dorje killing himself really blew the hell out of our lunch plans, though.

Lifting the top of the tray, I found myself looking down at a BLT sandwich and soggy-looking french fries.

I couldn't help wondering again how long the food had been sitting there.

"You used to like those," Jon said, his voice flat. He gestured vaguely at the exposed tray. "I didn't know what else to get...I looked all over the menu, Allie, but I couldn't remember anything else you liked. I wasn't even sure if you ate meat still...and I know being married to Revik really changed your whole eating thing in general..."

My mind slid and turned over when he could have ordered this. Then I realized that didn't matter, either.

"It's great, Jon," I assured him. "Is there any ketchup?"

Jon gave a kind of laugh, still wiping his face.

"Yeah." He pushed over the bottle.

Watching me glug some onto the plate with sharp jerks of my wrist, he rested his arms on his thighs, his expression still close to lost.

"I know more about what Revik likes to eat these days than I do you..." he said as I popped a cold fry in my mouth. Even though the soggy potato wasn't great, my appetite roared a response, demanding more. Jon watched as I continued to eat. Looking back at the fire, he shook his head, clicking almost to himself.

"...I didn't think you'd want me to get you curry," he said. "Now that you two are married again, you'll probably get stuck eating that stuff more than you can stand..."

"Jon, it's really good." I laid a hand on his leg, a french fry gripped in the fingers of my other one. "Thanks. I mean it. I needed this."

For a moment we just sat there. He watched me as I picked up half of the sandwich, taking a bite. The sandwich was a lot better than the fries.

He didn't seem to know what to do while I ate.

He watched me, then looked around at other objects in the room, as if killing time until I finished. I saw his eyes focus on the remote for the wall monitor, but he didn't pick it up. I had my doubts somehow, that watching a movie together would be enough of a distraction for him. It would probably just push him back into that dream-like place he'd occupied before.

He really needed to get some sleep...some real sleep, not on the couch drifting in and out of death rituals, no matter how filled with light. I considered getting him a drink again, something strong, like Revik would drink.

Then another thought hit me.

"What if I made you sleep for awhile," I asked him, swallowing the last bite of the BLT. Wiping crumbs off my hands onto the plate, I reached for a napkin. "No hangover that way," I added, forcing a smile.

"You can go if you want, Allie. Really. It's okay."

I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere, Jon," I said. "But you need to rest. You can't keep going like this...you can't. You need to shut down for awhile."

He didn't answer me for a long moment, but I saw the tiredness return to his eyes, right before he wiped his face again with his hand.

"Okay," he said finally.

He sounded resigned, but I couldn't decide if that was a bad thing, either. It probably didn't matter. Jon glanced up at me, and that time, I set down the glass of water I'd already half-drained. Wiping my mouth a last time with the cloth napkin, I cleared my throat, regaining my feet.

"Come," I said, holding out a hand.

Nodding, he took hold of my fingers.

He let me lead him through the door next to the bathroom, into the bedroom he'd shared with Dorje for the last three months. I tried to remember how long they'd been living together in total, and realized I didn't know precisely. They'd kept their relationship pretty quiet at first. They hadn't said anything to me anyway, for I wasn't sure how long, but I suspected since we all lived together in the Pamir, after that mess in D.C.

I do know that by the time I noticed, they were pretty well immersed in one another's light. That had been the first time we'd all been to the Forbidden City, when Revik was still Syrimne and I was still recovering from being shot.

Pushing that from my mind, too, I sat on the bedspread, waiting for Jon to finish in the bathroom. When he came back out, I watched him kick off his shoes, even as I noticed he still wore all of the same clothes he had on for the meeting itself. He shed his jacket, socks and jeans before he laid down on the bed. Wearing only boxers and what looked like one of Dorje's shirts, he slid under the blankets and laid down, closing his eyes as if waiting for a death sentence.

I thought about talking to him more, but I didn't.

Instead I waited for him to be settled under the covers, stroking his hair once it was on the pillow. Only after he seemed to be well and truly down, did I knock him out with my light.

I did it as gently as I could without prolonging things.

For another long stretch of time, I just sat there on the edge of the bed, watching him sleep.

REVIK STOOD IN the organic booth, his arms clasped around his ribs.