All That Lives (52 page)

“It’s true, you love him.” Becky squeezed my arm. “You are the perfect coupling of souls and temperament.”

“ ’Tis certain!” Thenny grinned as if she’d made the match herself. “Ask your mother if you might go walking with him on the
Saturday before Easter.”

“ ’Tis the traditional day for the Lovers Promenade.” Becky held her hand up to her mouth as she pronounced the word
Lovers
and giggled after.

“Pray, tell us what causes your amusement, girls?” Mother turned to us.

“ ’Tis your daughter, Mrs. Bell. She wishes to ask if she might promenade with her beau, Josh Gardner, on the Saturday before
Easter.”

“Thenny Thorn!” Mrs. Thorn and I together called her name with indignation.

“I said no such thing!” I objected.

“That’s all right, Betsy, I do give my permission.” Mother smiled sweetly at me, and Thenny clapped her hands, excited, her
purpose accomplished.

“I have a present for you.” Thenny jumped up and left the table returning with a parcel wrapped in thin fine paper I recognized
as off the oranges in her father’s store. I was slightly annoyed with her for arranging my affairs, but I tried to be gracious,
unwrapping the present carefully, discovering a length of blue satin ribbon.

“ ’Tis the color of the flowers on my dress!” I was pleased with it.

“Mother and I thought you might use it for a bonnet.” Thenny was unusually demure.

“How pretty, thank you.” I kissed Thenny on the cheek for her kindness.

“We brought a little something too.” Becky withdrew a beautiful paper fan from the pocket of her skirt.

“How lovely.” I inhaled the finely carved sandalwood, opening it wide. “I adore it!” I stood and held it mysteriously below
my eyes, strutting across the dining room to the hall and back, pretending I was a great lady with my swaying skirts and elegant
fan.

“It suits you perfectly.” Thenny and Becky laughed in unison as I paraded before them and the mothers smiled, indulging me.

I have something for you too.

I stopped my gay mockery and extended my hands to receive what I expected would be grapes or cherries from the Spirit, but
instead into my open palms fell a beautiful silver comb to wear in my hair. Inlaid with mother-of-pearl, it was curved to
exactly the right proportions.

“My goodness!” Mrs. Porter held her hand to her breast and grew pale as a muslin cloth.

“I told you.” Mrs. Thorn had clearly discussed the gifts of the Spirit with Mrs. Porter before arriving, and she was more
concerned with examining what I’d received than comforting her friend.

“Let me help you to try it.” Mother deftly twisted my braid on top of my head and secured it in place with the comb. I turned
to face my girlfriends and was pleased when Thenny and Becky both gasped at the effect.

“ ’Tis breathtaking. I shall fetch the looking glass, for you must see yourself.” Mother hurried from the room.

“Wear it like that when you go with Josh,” Thenny whispered in my ear.

“You look ever so sophisticated, doesn’t she, Mother?” Becky nudged her pale mother, poking her shoulder until she nodded
her agreement.

“Yes, yes, Miss Betsy, that you do.”

“I wonder where the presents come from …” Mrs. Thorn spoke her query softly, and Mother returned, handing me her small mirror.
I looked and saw the silver glinting in the light, and I was truly surprised, for I did look beautiful. The raising of my
hair atop my head revealed my face to have a delicate jaw and fine neck, most often hidden. They told the truth, it was a
becoming style. I thought instantly of Josh, and wondered what he would think. I wished to open up the door and have him standing
there, to admire me in my finery.

“I am blessed indeed,” I told my friends and we returned to the table to cut the cake and eat.

“I wish your father could be here with us this day.” Mother squeezed my shoulder and I stared down at the lovely brown glaze
of the caramel cake, thinking how it reminded me of the warm mud between my toes in the morning, and the swirls in the frosting
suddenly looked like the worms in the earth Father was buried under. I thought of how good I’d felt with the warm sun on my
back, knowing how lovely the day was going to be.

“For certain he is watching from his place in Heaven,” I replied, unwilling to allow any melancholy thoughts to spoil my party.

When the girls had gone, I went up to my room. I took the comb from my hair and laid it on my chest beside the pretty fan
and the length of satin ribbon. Looking out the window at the blossoming fruit trees in the orchard, I thought my final pleasure
of the day would be to take a horseback ride along the creek. I hurried to change my fine dress for a plain cloth one and
ran quickly back downstairs. Mother and Chloe were in the kitchen.

“I am going out, Mother, to inspect the lovely spring,” I called.

“And I am going for a nap, Miss Betsy, as your celebration has tired me plenty.”

I was happy she did not object. I took my wool coat from the wardrobe in the hall for I knew I would need it riding, as the
wind would still be cold. I could not find my riding bonnet so I grabbed my velvet church one. The bonnet was too nice to
ride in, but it was my birthday and I could not be bothered to look for another more practical one. My hair had come undone
from its braid, slippery from the Spirit’s lemons, and I did not wish to take the time to do it up again, so I just tucked
it carelessly inside. I thought of the winter-time when I’d met Josh Gardner in the woods and I hoped he would be there now.
I felt possessed by a nervous exuberance as if something truly exciting were soon to happen to me, and if I did not keep moving,
the unknown thrill would not be realized. I allowed the front door to slam behind me, and I nearly tripped over my own feet
running down the hill.

Riding away from the stables on Moses my exhilaration only increased. Pea green clover carpeted the path down to the stream
and I expect Moses enjoyed the soft plush pile beneath his shoes. The smell of new grass, sassafras and spicy forsythia drifted
on the breeze, while bunnies scattered away from us under the bushes. I kicked Moses hard with my heels and galloped down
the path along the stream. The ties of my bonnet came undone and I caught the velvet ribbons just before losing it to the
wind. I stuffed it in my coat, and my hair tumbled down my back. I loved the feeling of it flapping on my cheeks like yellow
silk, tangling and smelling of fresh lemons. I thought of the wooden bowl Chloe had used to pour the lemon juice on my head,
and I imagined all the love and happiness in the world had been strained into that golden liquid and poured over me. I felt
blessed to be alive.

I turned the corner and rode under the gray elms, already in leaf. The sun filtered in, making fairy light, and there was
something in the green and shifting patterns that brought to mind how magic things could happen. I looked to the clearing
ahead and there was Josh, standing by the stream, allowing his horse a drink.

“Betsy!” He turned at my approach. “Our Lord is good to me. Once again, I wished for you, and here you are.”

“Josh! I too have wished for you.” As in the instance when I threw Father’s paper in the fire and the poison down into the
grate, I could not blame my wrong actions on the Spirit, for it was not in attendance. I dismounted Moses and threw the reins
carelessly around the closest bush. I ran smiling and surefooted over the mossy rocks straight into Josh’s open arms, laughing
as he did. He held me as if it were the very thing he’d been waiting there to do.

“It was as if your voice spoke without words into my heart,” I whispered into his coat, understanding my earlier excitement
most clearly, for here was the thrill I had sensed.

“I have been waiting, Betsy.” He stepped back and wrapped his fingers through my hair, drawing my face to his. He kissed my
lips, and I opened my mouth to him. I did not think how sinful we were, for I felt certain we were doing exactly what we should
be doing. “There are some who would say this is wrong-minded of us …” Josh breathed into my ear, hesitating, but I encouraged
him.

“How can that be, when we most truly love one another?” It seemed to me God inhabited our hands, helping us to find the right
true places on each other that were meant to be touched, and the feeling was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.
Josh did not speak again but with his eyes and hands and lips and tongue, and all his meanings were returned from in my soul,
filled to overflowing with desire and a gratitude toward him so deep it could have filled the sky above us.

We lay together, our clothes and minds undone on the damp floor of the clearing, watching the sun finish the day. I thought
of what Martha had told me of the joys of womanhood and I was surprised how she had not conveyed the half of it. The places
where our skin was bare grew cold, but still we did not move. I curled inside his arms breathing deep the mingled smells of
new grass and damp wool and the delicious aroma of his skin. I wished the light would never quit, and the day never be gone.

“I would not have done this, Betsy, only I do intend to marry you. I would never wish to do anything you did not want.”

“But I did want it, Josh, the same as you.”

“You are Heaven on earth, Betsy. I would have you for my wife.” Josh tilted my chin upward with his hand and kissed me. I
felt a great swelling inside and realized that until he mentioned marriage I had completely forgotten about the Spirit and
its evil warnings. For those unconscious moments I had been happy. “Say you will be mine, Betsy,” Josh pressed me. “I will
love you forever.”

“I am yours already, Josh, you can’t have forgotten so soon.” I tickled the bare skin of his belly with my fingertips, teasing
him. What joy it was to touch him there, admiring his muscles, taut and lean. It was terribly exciting. I wanted nothing more
than to lie with him on the damp forest floor for the rest of my life.

“Betsy, I have not forgotten.” Josh took my hands in his, rolled up and straddled me. “I will never forget, but I must always
have you.” He bent and kissed me deeply and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“There will be no other match for me, come what may.” I felt I might begin to cry and I did not know if it was pleasure or
pain, bringing tears into my eyes.

“What do you mean, ‘come what may’? Why do you worry so? The Spirit that murdered your father is gone, its evil is accomplished,
and ’tis certain we were meant to have each other. My father says there is land more fertile than our own across the mountains
in Kentucky. We can go and homestead there.”

“But the Spirit is not gone, Josh.” I turned my cheek to the ground, aware how soft the moss was, how full of water, like
my eyes. I thought to tell Josh it was my birthday but I was so saddened by holding the thought of the Spirit and Josh and
my future at once, that I did not tell him. I also did not say I felt he had given me a gift of the greatest significance.
He got off me and lay next to me again. Taking up my hand, he kissed it, silent. It pained me to think he did not really know
the depth of my fear and experience. I sat halfway up, leaning on my elbow. “What if I say we must go
now
to Kentucky, or never go at all?”

“If you say now or never, I say yea, let us depart! I do love you truly, Betsy. But I believe our families would not understand
such haste and unto your dear mother I would cause no greater sorrow than what she has already suffered.” I was chastened
by the thought of my mother and impressed with Josh’s maturity, but I sighed, knowing it might very well be now or never,
for my future beyond that moment loomed uncertain, and I was afraid once we parted I might never see him more.

“Betsy, kiss me, and picture in your mind the very many days of our future together.” Josh spoke as if my inner thoughts were
written on my face. “I love you and have loved you since the day I visited your home and you did drop the wool. You saw it
roll a tie between us! I have suffered mostly silent through your torment, but I am certain the love I feel for you is stronger
than the strongest evil, and here, united in this love, we are stronger together than any unworldly creature. God has blessed
us, and given us such strength in love, nothing can harm us. You must have faith, Betsy, and trust me.” Josh finished his
confident speech pressing his lips into mine, and I parted my own, allowing his tongue in my mouth. I wanted to believe his
words, and I encouraged myself to be swept up in the passion, but the sun had disappeared behind the trees and the breeze
chilled my exposed skin, so I was forced to pull away.