All Over You (All Falls Down #3) (30 page)

"Yes," I say immediately, meaning that word with everything in me. I don't care if it's too soon or if everyone we know will call us crazy. I need his ring on my finger as much as he needs it. I belong to him. I know that with everything in me. I think I've always known that. And that doesn't scare me anymore. We've already been through the worst I can imagine, and we're still here, with him pleading for me to marry him.

"Yeah?" he asks, the word full of hope.

"Yes," I say, laughing through my tears. "Yes, I'll marry you."

He exhales shakily and then grins, giving me that devastating dimple. His hands tremble when he slips his ring onto my finger and then stares at it, his eyes shining with emotion. "Fuck, kitten," he whispers, lifting my hand to press his lips to my ring before he leans forward to kiss me. "You're really marrying me."

"I am."

He kisses me hard, tangling his hands in my hair to hold me still. His tongue dances along mine, teasing a moan from my lips. When he breaks away, he's panting, smirking at me like he just won the lottery.

I get to see that look on his face for the rest of my life
, I think, grinning at him.

As he stares at me, his eyes heating, I can't think of anything I want more.

epilogue

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Six Months Later

"Are you sure about this, kitten?" Cam asks, coming up behind me as I stand in our bedroom. He wraps his arms around me and presses his lips to the side of my neck, kissing me.

"Yes," I say, leaning back into him and closing my eyes for a moment, letting him steady me like he always does. "I'm just nervous."

"We can go another day," he murmurs, rocking me in his arms. "You don't have to do this now."

He's wrong though. I
do
have to do this now. I've been putting it off for six months already, and I think I'm finally ready to see her again. I'm ready to put the entire nightmare behind me once and for all, but I can't until I see her and say all the things I never got a chance to say.

The D.A. asked me if I wanted to make a statement when she was sentenced after pleading guilty, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to sit in a room full of strangers and tell my former best friend how much she hurt me. The memories were still too fresh.

Sometimes, they still are, but my life is nothing like it used to be.

In some ways, it's better. Being with Cam makes me so happy, I feel like I'm dreaming most of the time. He's bossy and he drives me insane, but he's so amazing. Almost every night, he's inside of me. I wear his marks all over my body still, and I'm not sure which one of us likes that more.

He didn't lose his job. They reinstated him the same day Erin was sentenced to prison. In fact, his Captain actually called me to apologize for everything I went through. I guess Ventura told him why I confessed, and he felt badly about it. I'm honestly not sure. All I know is that Cam is still doing what he loves, and he's never been happier.

I didn't lose my job, either. But I did resign from Trenton P. Hall over the summer. Seeing Bryan every day was too awkward after everything that happened. He says he didn't have a clue about Erin, and I believe him. We're still friends, but I needed a fresh start, and I couldn't find that at Trenton. There were just too many memories there.

In that way, my life is a lot harder now. Everywhere I look, there are reminders of Erin and our friendship. She was a part of every important moment in my life for so many years. When something exciting happens, I still find myself reaching for the phone to call her to share the news, and then I remember what she did to me. I break down and cry every single time, both because I'm still devastated that she did it, and because I managed to forget, for even a moment, that my best friend is in prison.

"I need closure," I whisper to Cam. I still don't understand why she did what she did, and I don't think I ever will. There's nothing she can say to me that will make it hurt any less, but I'm ready to forgive her. Cam and I deserve to be able to move on, and I can't do that until I see her.

He sighs and then kisses me again.

"You'll come in with me, right?" I ask, turning around in his arms as anxiety churns through me. He has no interest in ever speaking to her again, but I don't want to go alone. He's my strength. He has been since day one.

"I'll be right beside you for as long as you need," he promises, kissing me on the forehead.

I burrow into his arms for a moment, relieved. "Thank you."

He holds me close, his chin resting atop my head. And then he pulls back, tilting my face up to his. "I want to take you somewhere for Christmas when this is over," he says, running his fingertip across my bottom lip like he always does.

"Where?"

"You'll see," he says, smiling at me.

I narrow my eyes at him, but his smile just grows.

"Fine," I grumble, hiding a smile. "Don't tell me then. I don't care."

He jerks me forward when I start to slip away, putting his lips right up against my ear. "Told you a million times about that smart mouth, kitten," he growls, nipping my lobe. "Don't fuck with me or you won't be leaving this room today."

"Promises, promises," I say, burying my face in his shirt to hide a smile.

He growls at me again and then smacks my ass. "Stop fucking with me and get ready to go. I got plans for you later."

"Mrs. Lewis?" a middle-aged female guard calls, stepping through the sally port door into the visitation area where Cam and I are seated. She glances around at the visitors scattered around the room before her gaze falls on us. "We’re ready for you, hon."

My gaze flits between her and Cam, my stomach churning.

"You can do this, kitten," he whispers, squeezing my hand. He lifts me to my feet and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'll be right here."

I lick my lips and glance over my shoulder at the guard and then back at Cam. "I love you."

He smiles, leaning forward to brush his lips against mine. "Love you too, kitten."

I glance at him one final time, letting the confidence in his gray eyes steady me, and then I turn and make my way to the guard, wringing my hands together. I'm still so nervous, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

"This way," the guard says politely, pushing the buzzer for the door. Once the control room buzzes the steel door open, we step inside a small, empty room about the size of a closet and wait for the door to close behind us before they buzz us through the next door. My heels click against the floor as we make our way down the empty hallway before being buzzed through another set of sally port doors.

"She'll be on the opposite side of an inch of wire-reinforced, bulletproof glass," the guard murmurs to me as if sensing my nervousness. "There will be someone stationed right behind her the entire time, and I'll be with you. You can leave at any time; all you have to do is say the word and I'll get you out of there."

"Okay," I whisper, not sure if this is what visiting someone in prison is always like, or if Cam set up my visit this way. After having spent two weeks in jail without guards listening in, I have a feeling Cam demanded their presence here today. He wouldn't have let me come back here alone otherwise. Even though Erin is in prison for the next twenty-five years, he still doesn't trust her. And I can't say I blame him for that.

When we reach the visitation area, the guard turns to look at me. "Are you ready?"

I take a deep breath and then nod.

She gives me a reassuring smile and then buzzes us through into the visitation area. It's as nondescript as the rest of the prison. Cinderblock walls separate each visitation booth, with flimsy plastic chairs on each side of the thick window. The bottom of the window has a small vent, allowing those on each side to communicate with one another while ensuring nothing can be passed through. Not that there's even a possibility of that. Cam and I had to hand over everything before they even let us into the waiting area.

My heart leaps into my throat when I see Erin sitting in the fifth booth, staring down at her lap. Her hair is a lot shorter than it used to be. It's stringy, too, like she hasn't seen a good bottle of shampoo in a long time. She's lost weight since I last saw her. Not a lot, but enough that it shows. Beneath the fluorescent lights, her skin looks sallow. The bright orange scrubs she's wearing don't help her coloring. She looks so different than the girl I used to know.

I take tentative steps forward and slide into the plastic chair.

Erin glances up when I'm seated, her blue eyes locking on me.

For a long moment, neither of us says anything. We just stare at each other. A thousand memories of her run through my head. Some of them are of happier times, like when we roomed together and would stay up all night, talking and laughing. Others are darker, like the day she told me that Rory alone was responsible for his death. Memories of Cam holding me in his arms, his face stained with tears while I almost bled to death in her living room are the darkest.

"Hi," she whispers eventually.

"Hi," I whisper back.

She licks her lips nervously. "How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"I'm really glad," she says, and I think she actually means it.

We subside into silence again. Now that I'm here, I don't know what to say to her. Nothing seems adequate enough to describe the conflicting emotions I feel when I think about her. I don't know the right words to explain how much she hurt me, or how many times Cam had to console me when something seemingly innocuous brought me to tears. She pretended to be me to satisfy her own insecurities, and she destroyed me in the process. And I don't think she ever even considered how I would feel about that or what it would do to me.

"This is awkward," she blurts out and then cringes when I flinch, the sound of her voice startling me. "I'm sorry," she whispers, looking down at her hands again.

"It's fine," I lie even though it's really not.

"No, it isn't." She shakes her head and then looks up at me again, tears shining in her eyes. "I've thought a million times about what to say to you if I ever saw you again, and I still don't know how to say I'm sorry for what I did to you. Nothing seems right, you know? I did something terrible, and I hurt you." She swallows hard. "I never meant to hurt you, Ivy."

"But you did," I tell her, clearing my throat. "You tried to kill me."

"I know." A tear rolls down her cheek. "I don't even know why I did it. I just wanted to stop you from telling everyone what I did. I wish I could take that moment back, but I can't. You were my best friend, and I shot you. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. But I am sorry," she whispers, crying openly now. "I'm so, so sorry."

I watch her for a moment. It's strange. At one time in my life, anytime she cried, I wanted to cry too. I felt her pain, and it made my heart ache. But I don't feel that sorrow now. I just feel…relieved. That she's in here and I'm not. That the nightmare really is over and she can't hurt anyone else.

She used to be my best friend, and then she tried to kill me. That will always be a little sad to me, but I don't wish we could go back anymore. I
had
to learn to live without her because she didn't give me a choice. Somewhere along the way, I learned how to survive. I learned how to be me again. And seeing her doesn't hurt like I thought it would.

I'm stronger now. She made me that way when she tried to kill me.

"I forgive you," I say quietly.

She looks up at me again, her mouth opening and closing.

"I don't understand why you did it," I continue, "and I don't think I ever will. You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before and that will
never
be okay. You were my best friend, and you almost destroyed me. I still can't drive over the Bay Bridge without wondering where Rory jumped from, or if he knows that I'm not the one who told him to do it. I can't walk into a room of strangers without someone recognizing me as the woman from the papers. I can't look in the mirror without seeing the scars across my back. I had to leave Trenton P. Hall because of you. I couldn't even pack my own apartment. Cam had to do it for me, because I couldn't stop crying long enough."

"I'm so sorry," she cries through broken sobs.

"I didn't think I would ever get over what you did to me," I whisper, completely stoic in the face of her anguish. "But I didn't let you break me, Erin. And I didn't come here to ask for an explanation or an apology. There's nothing you can say that will change what you did, and you're the one who has to live with that now. But I want you to know that I do forgive you. I forgive you for what you did to Rory. I forgive you for what you did to me, and to Cam. I forgive you because I'm not you, and I'm not going to live with that kind of anger brewing in my soul, turning me into someone I don't recognize like it did to you."

She whimpers, but she doesn't say anything.

"I don't know what the future holds for you," I tell her, rising to my feet, "but I hope, somewhere along the way, you learn to love the person you were instead of the one you let yourself turn into. Because that person?
That
person was amazing.
That
person was my best friend, and I loved her more than anything."

"D…d…" She sniffled, wiping her eyes. "D…do you think we'll ever be friends again?"