"It's okay now, though.
I'm pretty sure the bad man is gone.
Tuskers hasn't gone cold on me ever since mommy brought him back to the house."
He smiled, a little bit.
"And she is back.
I don't know if she told you that."
Alina had asked for a few minutes alone at the grave as well, before returning to the car where she was waiting now.
"I won't say everything is perfect.
But we're both trying, and she's staying at the house.
What happened wasn't her fault.
She was just worried about your sister.
And she was right to be worried.
I just..."
He gripped the stone again, breathed a shuddering plume of steam into the winter air.
"I just missed you so bad, Alex.
I always will.
I won't forget you, you know that?
Neither will your mom.
And if there's any way I can see you again, one day - if you are someplace that I can come - I will.
You'll be playing, or whatever, and look up, and suddenly..."
His jaw clenched, fighting for the words.
"Suddenly, you'll see your daddy."
He let himself dwell on this idea.
There was a time when he would've given everything to make it come true, to hold his son again at that moment.
For the first time in months, though, he felt torn.
If finding Alex again meant losing Alina...
"Maybe one day," he said.
"Maybe.
I told you, no one knows for sure, right?
But your mom needs me right now, and I need her - and your sister will be here soon."
He smiled again, just a hair, at the taste of the word.
Sister.
"'Teres Alexandra.'
Don't you think it's pretty?"
He closed his eyes, gripped the marker with both hands, and kissed it.
The sensation of cold, coarse stone lingered on his lips as he pulled away.
"I love you, Alex," he whispered.
"I always will."
Then he rose slowly to his feet, and returned to his wife.
When she was pregnant with Alex, Alina had done most of the work to prepare the baby's room by herself.
For Teres, Ian made sure they worked together.
They went with a pony theme - something girly, but not overwhelmingly so - with a lot of yellows and greens.
The task wasn't strenuous, but for Ian's healing leg and ribs, it was challenging.
As they worked, they talked about what she would be like.
Would she have inexplicable blue eyes, like her brother did?
Would she be as picky about her formula, or share any allergies?
Most concerning of all, Alina asked: What if she didn't like ponies?
If she didn't like ponies, Ian assured her grimly as he rested his throbbing leg, she would be shit out of luck.
They finished the final touches just before the sun fell behind the trees.
As they stood back to take it in, Alina grabbed his hand.
"She likes it," she said, and it was true: within her belly, Ian could feel his daughter's joyful kicks.
He smiled broadly at his wife, and she kissed him.
For a single, glorious instant, all was well.
Then they turned out the light, and that brilliant hope slowly faded as night came on.
They went to bed early, exhausted, and Ian lay awake as his wife drifted off, his thoughts spinning with memories of those first nights with Alex, of the ways he had changed their lives.
Facing away from him, Alina began to whimper in her sleep.
"No, Ian," she muttered.
"I can't."
A chasm of despair opened in Ian's chest.
Just like before.
Even now, even months after they had gotten back together, her dreams were ruined - not by the horrors that had happened to their son, but by the memory of him abandoning her.
He watched her tremble as he had watched Alex suffer: paralyzed and powerless.
Then he pulled her close.
He didn't know what she was dreaming, didn't know his full place in it, but suddenly, he refused to let it matter.
"I love you," he whispered.
He lifted a hand to soothe her hair; kissed her forehead.
"It's okay.
Everything's okay now."
As he shushed her, her breathing evened.
With a deep sigh, she turned in her sleep and burrowed into him.
When she calmed, he finally fell asleep.
In his dreams, Alex was smiling.
Thank you to my mom, Senja, for knowing I was a writer before I did.
Thank you to my wife, Joy, for listening to the countless hours of second-guessing, elation, strategizing, and despairing.
Thank you to Brad Olson and Sue Hein, for teaching a class that made me discover how much I could do.
Thank you to my children, Isaac and Rydia, for helping me realize what really matters in life.
Thank you to Jason Godfrey for taking the pictures for the cover and the website.
Thank you to The Seven for all the encouragement (I still can't believe none of you thought Tuskers was over the top).
And thank you to you, for taking a chance.
Adam J Nicolai lives near
Minneapolis
,
Minnesota
with his wife, Joy, and their two children, Isaac and Rydia, who received a ton of extra kisses while this novel was being written.
Alex
is his first novel.
For more information on Adam's future projects, see his website:
http://www.adamjnicolai.com
.
If you enjoyed
Alex,
please consider posting a review on Amazon (a new author can never have too many good reviews!) or recommending the book to others.