Authors: J. M. Erickson
“No. We’re not going to ‘talk later.’ We’re going to talk right now,” Samantha interrupted in a hushed, angry tone.
“These ‘people,’ why do they want to kill me and David? Why did they kill David’s wife?” Samantha asked. Samantha was cognizant of her surroundings. There weren’t many passengers on the bus, and they seemed more interested in their reading, videos, and sleeping than paying her much attention.
“Because you know me. Because they might think I told you something.”
Samantha could tell that Burns was used to short answers.
But my questions are pretty fucking big,
she thought. Samantha knew a lot of con artists and scammers in her line of work.
Burns is a secret agent? A mysterious agency out for world domination? That shit doesn’t happen to people like me or David,
she thought. Though she had to admit that her attack, David’s wife’s death, and his injury wasn’t just a coincidence.
Samantha decided to take another approach. She was going to assume his story might be true.
“Nothing personal, Burns, but couldn’t they just killed you a while ago?”
There was a short delay.
Trying to think up a good lie,
she wondered.
“Okay. I know it’s all hard to believe, but it’s true. They could have killed me at any point, but they needed to know something first. They wanted to figure out something I did first. If I’m dead, they will never find out how I breached their relocation protocol and their cyber weak spot,” Burns confessed.
“What?” Samantha was having a hard time understanding what Burns was saying. Her thoughts raced to Becky. Samantha became aware of her fears building about her.
Is Becky in danger? Are these assholes after her too
.
Samantha waited for Burns to start talking again.
This shit it too crazy to be bullshit,
she concluded.
“You don’t know these people. They just don’t kill without reason. The guy who runs it, Eric Daniels, didn’t, create his empire by just killing people. He recruited talent. He used bright people to find holes in his systems, protocols, and defenses. He’s known about me and has had everyone around me watched. He probably allowed me to be sent to David because he thought David could help me find memories. Memories Daniels wants. He had time to wait. I wasn’t going anywhere. But if he just killed me, he would have to spend a lot of time and effort to find two key holes in his agency. Daniels didn’t get to where he is by just killing everyone.”
Samantha could actual hear stress in Burns’s voice.
“How do you know so much about this guy?”
Who the hell are you, Burns?
Another short pause. Samantha could tell Burns was not used to being asked so many questions, and he obviously didn’t like giving up answers.
Too bad. Some people don’t like being nearly killed,
she thought sarcastically.
“I was on his senior team. I ran key operations. Operations so off-books that managers and directors had ‘no need to know.’ They knew what we wanted them to know. The true objectives, true mission goals, specific methods used, all were at my level and two tiers down. Daniels—”
Samantha noticed the pause.
Was he searching for a word to describe him
, she wondered.
“Daniels was a colleague and my boss. We had a respect for each other. He may have wanted what’s in my head before, but with me MIA, he’s simply going to want to get rid of me and worry about the holes in his defenses later. That’s why the sooner you get away from me, the safer you will be,” Burns concluded.
“Oh? Like the nice woman who tried to kill me? You and I weren’t exactly close, you know,” Samantha said sarcastically. More silence.
“I need to put distance between you and me.”
Samantha’s first image after Burns’s response was Becky.
She’s going to get killed because I tried to do you a favor? She doesn’t deserve this,
she fumed.
“Oh … so we’re slowing you down, Burns? Getting in the way of you crawling under a rock to hide while we fend for ourselves?” Samantha was gripping the phone with all her strength. The idea of her sister being in danger as a result of her was intolerable. With every word out of her mouth, she had jabbed her finger in the air as if Burns’s chest was right in front of her. Guilt was building to an unfathomable point.
I already ruined David’s life. I might as well have killed his wife myself. Fucking Sam! Why do you always fuck up with people you care about?
she thought to herself.
Then Samantha shook her head and tried to shake off her anger toward herself. She breathed in slowly as the phone line remained silent.
No. This isn’t my fault. It’s Burns’s fault. He’s just another fucking guy who is screwing me over and making me feel bad. Maybe you can screw me over, but you’re not going to do this to Becky. You’re not going to do it to David
, she thought. Samantha felt a strange calm come over her. She pieced it all together. She never thought of herself as “book smart,” and that was why she hadn’t gone to Cornell University in Ithaca when she was accepted so many years ago. But she knew what Burns was doing. He was unloading his burden.
I’m not
the asshole. He is.
“So that’s the way it’s going to be, huh? So you think you can just drop off the guy who helped you figure shit out and then pay him back with getting his wife killed, blinding him, and then taking away his whole life and just walk away?” She was pissed now. The other end of the line remained silent. Samantha felt her calm slipping rapidly away.
“Bad enough I have to kill someone, but I can deal with that. My sister is in trouble and needs me. Her brother is dead, and I’m the only one she has. I owe her everything, and now she might be killed because of you. Caulfield had a life and did me the favor of taking you on, even though he suspected it might be dangerous. Okay, how about you just fucking shoot the guy and end it quickly while he is still sedated. At least he won’t live to see his whole life ruined!” Samantha regretted that part. It had come out faster than she had thought.
“I never asked you to help me,” Burns said quietly.
I can’t believe you said that,
her thoughts yelled out. Her free hand balled up into a tight fist as she smacked it down on her thigh.
Fuck … more bruises!
Samantha knew it was the anxiety about her sister, fear and guilt for David, and nearly being killed the night before that compelled her to say more things to Burns. If she had just thought about it, she probably would never have said what she said next. Her voice was low, harsh, and accusatory.
“Yeah, you’re right. I just thought it was unfair that a guy with a head injury was being constantly sedated that I did everything to get him help. You know, Burns, I don’t mind the fact that I fucked two administrators of the hospital to get you to Caulfield. I do that for work. But if you think it’s all right to ruin the guy’s life who saved yours and then walk away, I hope they find you and kill you.” Samantha was quiet. She was shaking. She hated feeling frightened. Her sister was in danger, an actual friend of hers was now completely cut off from his life, and the guy she had expressed compassion for was now walking away? If it wasn’t for David and Tony, she could honestly say she hated all men more than ever.
Now Tony is gone, and David’s life is over. All the other men suck.
Samantha’s mind drifted.
Samantha was pulled back by Burns’s voice. “Call me when you secure the area.” Then he hung up.
Samantha sat alone. She found herself absently folding the phone as she stared at the back of the empty seat in front of her. She couldn’t believe how her entire life had changed from yesterday. How everyone she touched was now affected by her decision to help Burns. How different yesterday morning was.
“Yesterday was the easy day,” Samantha muttered bitterly to herself.
The ride to New
York would be hours. David was now more clearheaded but only asked a few questions. They were the questions Burns expected: Was his wife really gone? Who would want him dead? Why her? Were his kids going to be safe? His questions were mostly about others and their safety. David was quiet.
Burns reviewed the conversation with his former nurse. She was right; killing David would have been the simplest and possibly more humane thing to do. Now the guy had to carry a lot of pain around. The problem was that Burns was having a real difficulty with just killing people who were innocent. That had never been a problem before, but now it was really affecting his judgment and behaviors. It was possibly endangering his new mission.
“Dr. Caulfield? This may be the absolute wrong time, but I have to know something,” Burns started.
“Could you do me a favor and call me David? Somehow, I think we are now officially beyond the doctor-patient relationship,” David responded.
Burns was silent. He was trying to remember the last time, if ever, he had called someone by their first name. It seemed almost “too close” or “too personal.”
David continued, “What’s the question?”
Burns could tell that David needed questions more than anything right now. The thought of his wife being murdered right before his eyes had to be heart-wrenching. There it was again, Burns noticed. Empathy? Sympathy?
Burns pressed on with more questions. He could keep David distracted and get some answers about his new behaviors at the same time. More importantly, Burns needed to understand why he was having uncomfortable feelings. “I am having a problem with killing.”
The question sounded flat, almost anticlimactic, as if he was saying, “I having a problem going to the bathroom.”
“By the nature of the question, I am assuming the killing people is a matter of course. Kind of routine?” David asked.
Burns nodded. Burns took a moment to organize his thoughts. “I remember personally killing more than twenty-five targets. Maybe twenty-eight and even more collateral damage … people around at the wrong place and wrong time.”
Burns turned briefly to look at his former therapist. It was obvious that David was digesting the words as well as the volume of human destruction his former patient had committed. He did come back though pretty quickly.
“Okay. First thing I want is for you to promise me that you’ll call me David. It is no longer about ‘just getting to be friends’ or to signify a change in our relationship, but I am hoping that if I have a more personal name like a first name, you might be less inclined to kill me.”
Burns smiled. Was David being funny or serious or both? Burns caught his smile, and he was reminded that he had been smiling at small things—sights, jokes, conversations. This, too, was new.
Burns waited, and David continued, “Okay. While you may have killed and still can, there may have been a major change in your brain, which may have made it more difficult now. There was the initial trauma that may have damaged more of the limbic system, which feeds the capacity to feel anger, depression, anxiety, and the urge to kill. The limbic system is not all bad. It is all about survival; this is the ‘old’ part of the brain that is a holdover from evolution.”
“So a head injury damaged my brain, and now I am feeling more stuff?” Burns asked.
Burns saw that David started to get up but seemed to realize that it was a mistake and laid back down. Burns thought it was a good idea for David to continue lying down too.
David went on, “Not just that. Your limbic system may or may not have been damaged. I am guessing something happened to it. But I am sure that the interventions you used to remember your past certainly did.”
Burns remained silent. David picked up on the silence and did not wait for the obvious question.
“Exercise and physical activity probably unlocked the muscle memory, the kinesthetic memories. The meditation and learning new things probably significantly changed your frontal lobe, where logic, reason, empathy, sympathy, humor, love, and all the higher order emotions and functions are. Your diet cleaned your body, and the medication that kept you sedated left your body entirely after twenty days.”
It was finally becoming clear to Burns. His new awareness was a byproduct of David’s treatment strategies.
Burns ventured, “So I developed the part of the brain that makes me—”
David finished, “—more pro-social. You now may be experiencing more positive emotions and thinking more positively, which in turn will affect your behavior. It’s all connected. What have you been doing for meditation?” Burns could see that David was now clinically curious about his change had been more profound than he had expected. Burns could easily see that David was surprised at the extent of the treatments.
Burns already knew the problem and said, “Prayers.”
David repeated the word to make sure he had heard correctly. “Did you say prayers?”
“Yes. The Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary in English and Latin,” Burns said. “Eastern Orthodox prayers from the Orthodox liturgy in English and in Syrian and periodically Greek. I chose morning, midday, and evening prayers about thirty minutes each.”
Burns saw the academic curiosity that was evident all over David’s face. He anticipated the next set of questions.
“How long have you been doing this?” David asked.
“Meditation was really the only thing I could start right off the bat, and the only things around at the hospital were various bibles.” Burns stopped and then added in an almost guilty fashion, “So I started meditation sixteen weeks ago and started going to the chapel pretty regularly for an hour every other day.”
David was quiet. Burns waited. He actually experienced anxiety as he waited for the next words out of David’s mouth.
David managed to sit up this time. Burns figured this had to be important for David to actually sit up so that he could give his diagnostic impression.
“Well, Alex, it looks like in addition to waking up your frontal lobe, you may have had a religious epiphany. Because of your choice of materials, which are prayers, it seems that the more sociopathic killer that made you an effective soldier has transformed you into a more moral, pro-social individual who values life. Sorry?”