Authors: Heather Sosbee
Creepy Guy somehow saw some sort of invitation amidst all of those no
’s, and he yanked me forcefully out of Virgin’s hands, carrying me while I struggled, into the bedroom down the hall with the other band members following closely behind.
While I may not remember a huge amount of details about this night, I will always remember the dread and terror of knowing what was going to happen to me in that room, and how little 100
lb. me wasn’t going to be able to do a whole lot of anything to stop them.
I
’ve read a few smutty books that have sexy ménages with band mates. Those made me think back when Virgin started kissing me that it would be something to consider. Let me assure you, though: I quickly realized that it wasn’t something I wanted and that this was not even remotely like the sexy smut I read. What with all of the rape, it was exceedingly unpleasant for me.
Most of my terrible memories include begging them to use condoms if they
weren’t going to stop. While this may sound like an invitation to have sex with me, it was definitely not sexy while I cried my eyes out, struggled, and begging for them to at least not make me pregnant while they violated me.
Another winning memory was of being forced to constantly blow one of them while another vaginally raped
me and another jerked off next to us. Since all of this is terribly disgusting and shitty, let me just say it’s something that I am grateful to be unable to completely remember every little detail of what happened.
I don
’t have any idea how long all of this went on, but the second I realized that I wasn’t being held down as tightly as before, I booked it for the bathroom and locked the door. Collapsing on the floor, I sobbed my eyes out and waited for Tara to return.
The icing on the cake
for me was that Tara didn’t really believe me when she returned. She immediately assumed that I voluntarily had sex with them, and was embarrassed or shy about it…that I was crying wolf. Instead of assisting me with getting out of this house full of rapists, she decided to pursue having sex with Virgin (who was no longer a virgin, having just raped me) while I was still in the room. Oh yes, I realize how fucked up this is.
After curling up into the fetal position in the corner of the dark bedroom, I tried to make it so no one would bother or notice me while I suffered alone. Tara was up there on the bed, trying to get nasty with Virgin Rapist. This part of my memory really makes me cringe.
I really have no idea how long I laid there, or how long any of this whole evening was. Having been drunk (for the first time ever), I had no way of keeping up. All I knew was that all of this really fucking sucked.
Creepy Guy decided, however, that he wasn
’t finished with me. He thought he would come back for seconds, and persisted in harassing me while I was on the floor. I continually fought him off, until after many tries on his part, Tara and Virgin Rapist yelled at him to knock it off. They only told him to knock it off because they were sick of hearing me yell at him, not because they were actually concerned with my well-being. Tara is starting to sound like a real douche bag of a friend, huh? I thought so, too.
There are a lot more broken pieces of my memory after this. I remember convincing Tara to go home with me, even though I was still slightly tipsy. There was no way I could stay here in this house while those mother
fuckers were carrying on like nothing had happened. The saddest part was that they would wake up in the morning, unlikely to remember raping a girl, and not caring in the least.
Even though c
hoosing to drive in the middle of the night while tipsy was really not my proudest idea, we did manage to get home safely. I drove as carefully as I could. When we got home, I was as quiet as possible to not wake my parents.
Oh god, I couldn
’t handle if they found out. My father would be devastated and my mother would feel so guilty. The only person who I didn’t need to worry about, apparently, was Tara. She just crashed on the floor in my room with a pile of blankets and pillows. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
Obviously, all of this has left a pretty big scar on my soul. Maybe you
’re wondering why I decided to share in the misery and tell you about it. Well, in regards to Tommy, he would use it all against me. He would taunt my rape in my face when I was unable to give him sex as often as he liked.
“None of your friends believe you were really raped.” He would sneer at me. Did he honestly think that was the key to getting my sex drive pumping?
“I bet you have STDs. Are you giving me some nasty disease?” Yep, a real panty knocker-offer.
How did I get so lucky
? Hindsight is a bitch because I didn’t see it for what it was when I was immersed in it. I feel like an idiot now, looking back. How could I not have seen all of this properly?
I
’m a rather obstinate person, and tend to do the opposite of what people tell me to. I found this to be especially true with Tommy and his verbal garbage accompanied by the pressure to have sex. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I am definitely Mary Mary Quite Contrary. My friends warned me, noticing that I was a different person with him, quieter and stifled. I would say “Oh no, I’ve got this. Don’t you worry.” and carry on stubbornly with my miserable way.
When Tommy tried to pressure me to have sex with him, I couldn
’t get excited. Sex had become a tricky balancing act, where I was struggling to go through with it. Even though I loved him, I had become exhausted from struggling to keep our relationship intact, and he hadn’t brought anything amazing to our sex life.
I
’m surprised we made it as long as we did. I think being raped really made my mind prevent my body from enjoying sex under any sort of pressure, or without complete control on my part. Also, the crap that came out of his mouth about it didn’t make it any easier.
After four long, very difficult years with Tommy, I am not about ready to begin dealing with someone else
’s bullshit and drama again. Ari and I, sure we feel something for each other, maybe even really strong emotions, but he either wants me or he doesn’t, right? Can there be an in-between? Can he love more than one person?
Honestly,
at this very moment, I don’t give a shit if he does. He knows where I am and I’m not going to wait for him. I can’t continue to spend my time here in this country, waiting and wishing on him. If the world worked the way I wanted it to, then he would be mine, no question. The last I checked, though, the world did whatever the fuck it wanted to, and that leaves me shit out of luck.
Even though last night was pretty incredible, I realize we still haven
’t kissed or technically even touched each other’s junk. Sure, it was really sexy, but his lips only touched my fingers.
Oh, that was hot
. Even so, it’s not enough!
Hot
is not enough. Knowing he wants me is not nearly enough to make me sit here and twiddle my thumbs while I wait for him to realize he wants only me.
So, what am I going to do now? Well, I assume this means that I need to stop mooning over Ari and start finding those other gorgeous fish in the sea.
I can’t pretend that he and I can have a future, even though he is with Lára. Grow the fuck up. I can do this, right?
Sliding my legs over the side of the pull out bed, I
put on my jeans from the night before. It doesn’t seem like Ari and Lára are awake, and that’s good. I just need to get away from the two of them, and stop drowning myself in this crazy tension.
Today has been a little strange. There were some town festivities going on. I didn’t realize that this weekend is some kind of holiday. People are constantly walking past the front yard, and most of them are giving me very curious looks, or blatantly staring at me. I’m at least trying to be polite about it by making it look like I’m checking out the view, which is absolutely incredible, by the way.
Looking straight out in front of me
and over the rooftops of the houses down the street is the fjord. Mountains surround it on the other side. It’s pretty epic, and if I squint my eyes and let them unfocus, the grooves in the mountains kind of remind me of huge stone soldiers waiting to be brought back to life for a legendary battle.
I recognize a few people from the party the night before
and wave shyly in response to their waves. I think they’re all participating in a scavenger hunt. If I wasn’t so goddamned lazy right now, I might join in.
This town is so tiny
that everyone knows everyone. I bet that makes keeping secrets really hard. Does everyone know who everyone else slept with? If Ari was to get caught with me, the news would spread like wildfire. I’m not sure what that would do to his reputation (if anything).
Crumbs fall down my shirt as I take
a bite of my granola bar and contemplate what my next move will be. With everything mentally laid down in front of me, I realize that my great idea from the night before seems like the best choice.
If I were to take a step back from Ari and
suppress the emotions I have for him to the deepest part inside of me, I might be able to loosen up and meet someone else who can take my mind off of him, Tommy, and life back home in general. I need a distraction and to finally have some goddamned fun on my vacation.
I nod
my head in agreement with myself. Then I stuff the remaining piece of granola bar into my mouth without any grace, just to brush the crumbs off my chest and hands. I can so do this. Who knows; if Ari sees me with someone else, maybe he’ll realize that it’s me he wants. Maybe he’ll be jealous.
******
The rest of my afternoon passed fairly uneventfully. Lára wanted to smoke a cigarette when she woke up, so Ari and I joined her outside for that. I chased it with a swig of beer; Víking is what it’s called. It’s Icelandic and a golden lager.
I
’ve always been a beer lover, more for the flavors than the drunken effects. I’ve been to many breweries and my uncle is a home brewer. I like to think that I know how to appreciate what I’m drinking. They’ve got some great beer in Iceland!
Ari and I aren
’t really talking except to keep up appearances, and that’s fine with me. I’m slowly starting to not really care about it because the realist in me reminds myself that I have to pull away. I can’t lie though and say that just being near him still doesn’t send little jolts of electricity through me. On the rare occasions that our eyes meet, I still get a little dizzy and overwhelmed. You’ve got to sympathize with me. It’s only been like 6 hours since he was grinding his candy against my sweet spot. Know what I mean?
I think I’m doing alright, all things considered
!
“So, there is another party tonight, down the street at the only bar in town. It
’s called Hópið, and Gunnar will be performing with his band. Everyone will be there tonight.” Ari explains this to both of us while eating a banana.
“All of the guys are excited to meet you, Brooke. You
’re new, and they don’t have enough new women coming into town, so you’ll probably be smothered in attention.” Lára chuckles and jokes, “I remember when Sóley and I first came to town, we were bombarded with affection. They can smell the new DNA.”
I laugh with her. I can just picture it now
—a horde of men chasing down two new, single females.
“I
’m looking forward to it. Bring on the dudes!” I cheer with a fist pump in the air. This sounds like the perfect thing I need to get me over this Ari shit. My eyes sweep over to glance at him and meet with his for a second before he quickly looks away with a small frown across his brow.
That’s right, Ari. Bring on the dudes
.
Tonight, I
’m going to put on my pretty face and rock what nature blessed my body with to have an awesome time.
I h
ead back into the house and start to sort through the clothes in my suitcase to pick the sexiest outfit I have that will allow for me to have a good time without having to adjust my goods all night.
Tonight is going to be fun.
******
After some very careful preparations, I
’ve decided that I’m ready for the evening. I’m wearing a pair of black leggings that fit me like a glove, and make my ass look edible. That’s a real thing right, edible asses? Regardless, I stand by my statement.
Doing a little turn in front of the mirror, I admire the view.
I decided to go for more casual sexy than glamour sexy, since I’m in the middle of fucking nowhere and will have to walk everywhere.
I
’ve donned a simple white body hugging tank top with a very low neckline that kisses the top of my bright green bra. It’s tight enough that my boobs look like apples. More food references.
Yes, I look good enough to eat
.
The shirt is thin enough to where you can mostly see through it, including all of my tattoos, and I
’m perfectly fine with that. Since the audience for the evening will probably appreciate it too, it should have the desired effect. I’m young with a rocking body, so I might as well use it to my full advantage. Don’t judge me!
My blue eyes have been lined with smoky dark brown liner and shadow
that makes them pop. My lashes have been coated with mascara and my lips are topped with a red lipstick that coordinates well with my dark hair.
I finish my face with a little sweep of blush over my cheeks, and I think I
’m done. I flat ironed my hair earlier, so it’s sleek and glossy. It falls to the middle of my back and is a deep chocolate brown with just a hint of auburn peeking through.
Flicking the strands back behind my shoulders, I head out of the bathroom with my bag of cosmetics
and pad barefoot to the pull out couch to stuff it all into my suitcase. I’ll finish my outfit by adding a long sleeved button down sweater for warmth and my usual pair of Converse sneakers so my feet don’t hate me by the end of the night.
I pick
up my navy blue over the shoulder satchel and begin to stuff a few beers into it. Lára warned me that the bar is kind of expensive and so a lot of people bring their own beer. I’m guessing as a whole, this country is a bit more lenient concerning their booze. The legal drinking age is 20 rather than 21 here.
Lára emerges from her room with a plastic grocery bag with her own beers tucked inside.
“Hey, do you mind if I put these beers in your satchel? We’re not technically allowed to take them into the bar, and it’ll be so busy that I’m sure no one will really notice. I’ll help you carry it.”
“There
’s plenty of room in here, so go for it. Besides, I don’t think there will be very many for us to carry home after we’re done with them.” I nudge her with my elbow prior to grabbing the bag from her hand and transferring her beers into mine.
I
’m beginning to feel a bit excited to flirt with some of the other guys that will be there tonight. Since I’m a rather outgoing type, flirting comes naturally and easily. I get along very well with guys. My sense of humor is pretty crass and I prefer to dress comfortably instead of in heels, short dresses, or skirts.
I pull
the flap over the opening of my bag and heft the strap over my head to rest on my shoulder. It settles comfortably on my hip. It’s pretty heavy and I bet I’ll burn some of the calories I drink just by carrying this.
There is a knock on the front door, and Ari comes out of his room to answer it.
“It’s probably Gunnar and Helgi,” he informs us. “They’re going to walk down with us.” He grabs and twists the knob on the door to reveal that he was, in fact, correct about our guests.
Gunnar is so tall that he mostly hides Helgi behind him, and he strides into the house with a confident ease. Helgi follows him inside.
Gunnar is looking very sharp, I must admit. He’s wearing a black suit jacket (which seems to be the popular fashion trend here in Iceland) with a matching simple black V-neck t-shirt. Adding a pair of dark washed denim jeans, topped with a classy pair of black shoes, has him looking great. His black hair has been tamed and isn’t so messy and carefree. He finally isn’t wearing those goddamned aviators, too.
Wow
,
Gunnar’s got it going on
! Finally seeing those absolutely gorgeous eyes, I’m very happy to see they are blue, swirled with shades of yellow/gold. The shapes of his eyes are absolutely stunning. They are kind of almond shaped, with the outer corners pinched. His lashes are only enhancing this gorgeous effect. Eyes rimmed with a ring of thick black lashes make it clear that he’s been gifted with the ability to make all women jealous.
The mix of color in his eyes makes me realize he has a small collection of freckles covering his nose and cheeks that I hadn
’t noticed before. His skin has this olive tone to it that gives the impression that he has a tan, even though he technically doesn’t. His neatly trimmed mustache and goatee make his already white teeth stand out with his smile. He even has a little dimple in his chin.
What a stunner
.
I
’m impressed. Gunnar is exceptionally good looking. Rocking a tall stature of around 6’3, that of a bona fide Viking. With looks like his, now I’m a bit curious about him myself.
Realizing that I
’m very blatantly and obviously checking him out in front of everyone, I clear my throat. I send a broad smile to Gunnar and also a little wink. A slow grin spreads across his face in return. His eyes sparkle with good humor.
God, those eyes
!
I think I
’ve decided who I will be sharing my attention and affection with this evening.
******
We have all began the walk down the hill to the bar. I haven’t been on this street yet. It’s one that wraps around the edge of the housing in town. To my left, are the houses, which are quaint and each unique in their designs. To my right, is nature.
A stream is flowing beautifully alongside the road and is surrounded by gorgeous purple flowers. Lupina, Helgi
mentions at one point. There’s a beautiful wooden bridge covering the stream in one place with a trail that leads and disappears into the trees beyond.
I speed up to
try to catch up with Gunnar so I can walk next to him. Having short legs is definitely putting me at a disadvantage while walking next to all of these tall men.
“Do you see all of those little trees out in that area over there?” Gunnar points over to the area beyond the bridge when I finally fall into step beside him.
“Yeah, what about it?” I ask, looking toward where he is pointing.
“My family planted a bunch of trees out there and they
’re starting to grow. It’s so great to come back to Tálknafjörður from time to time and see how big they’re getting.” He certainly does look proud. I don’t blame him.
“That
’s really great thing for your family to do.”
I pull
a beer out of my bag for myself and toss one to Lára, too. I glance over at Ari who is walking beside her. I raise an eyebrow at him and hold up a can in question. He nods and catches the beer as I throw it to him.
The walk only lasts maybe five minutes when we arrive at the bar. It
’s not huge and doesn’t fit with my normal idea of what a bar looks like. It’s more like a restaurant that serves alcohol in the evening too. There is a countertop to the right wall, where the booze is served, and all the bills are taken care of.
To the left are tables and chairs placed for seating and eating, with a mi
ddle area cleared for dancing. There is a sound system set up near the cleared space, a microphone on a stand, and various music equipment that I’ve never seen before are ready to be connected. By the looks of it, there will be a band performing.
One thing I really like about this place is that there are so many windows. There is a
wrap around area that reminds me of a porch that has a ton of them. So much light is pouring into the building, since the sun is once again just hovering over the horizon. I don’t think I will ever get used to that.
I look
around quickly to find Lára. Our eyes meet and she nods her head in the direction of the porch-type room. It’s full of chairs and tables, and I’m assuming this is where people who don’t want to be in the mix of the dancing and performing will sit.
I pick
a table at random, pull the strap of my bag from over my shoulder, and rest it on the tabletop. I settle into the chair to my left by a window and let out a deep breath.