Absolution (8 page)

Ally sat on a bench next to Callum, wringing her hands in her lap. Her pulse raced. Callum laid his hand over hers to still them.

“Just try and breathe.”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “Maybe you should go inside – no point in both of us sitting out here.”

“I’m not going in without you. Either we both go in, or we both sit here. Either way is fine by me.”

“I want to go in – I do – but I don’t know if I can.”

“There’s no hurry, just take your time.”

Callum squeezed her hand encouragingly but it only annoyed her even more. Sitting up straight, she took another deep breath and reached down to straighten out one leg, locking the brace. She maneuvered herself upright, locking the other brace and sliding her arms into the cuffs of her crutches, automatically adjusting her centre of gravity.

“Are you sure about this?” Callum asked, standing up and straightening his tie.

“If I don’t go in now, I never will.”

“Alright then. Let’s do this.”

She began walking, watching her legs carefully on the uneven ground. The last thing she needed right now was to face-plant. She tried to focus on the fact that she was here for Tom, that he would want her to be inside the church, celebrating his life, not hiding out here like a frightened five-year-old.

She felt Callum stiffen beside her and she stopped walking to look up. Jack stood just a few feet away, staring at her.

Suddenly, she forgot how to breathe.

Their eyes locked.

She’s standing.

Jack wanted to ask her how, but he didn’t have the words. Her body language, the look on her face, everything about her screamed that he needed to be careful. He searched relentlessly for an opening, a sign, anything. She shook her head slowly, her eyes clouded with emotion so thick that he couldn’t penetrate. He lowered his gaze to her legs. She was using crutches, her hands gripping the handles so tightly that her knuckles glowed white, visible even from where he stood. But she was standing – no wheelchair. His heart soared.

“You’re walking.”

The words hung in the air between them. Every time he had imagined this moment – and there had been literally hundreds – never had he thought that she would just be standing in front of him like this. It was a miracle.

“You need to get out of here,” Callum interrupted, taking a step towards him.

Jack put his hands up in self-defense, automatically taking a step backwards as he tore his gaze away from Ally to face Callum’s anger head-on.

“Fair warning, Jack.”

Hatred spilled out between each word as Jack’s body reacted to the trauma, breaking into a cold sweat.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, taking another step backwards.

Callum pushed him roughly and Jack stumbled back, caught off guard.

“Don’t make me say it again.” 

“I’m sorry, I –“

“Save it,” Callum hissed. “Bottom line here? Not interested.”

Jack had difficulty thinking straight as confusion, guilt and fear swirled in his head and his heart, pulling him off-centre. The fury that rolled off Callum did not surprise him. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Callum immediately shut him down.

“You need to go.”

“I didn’t mean to –“

“Where the hell do you get off?” Callum demanded, close enough for Jack to see the fire in his eyes. He pointed at the church beside them. “Your father’s in there, Jack – his
coffin
is in there! And you stand out here and say you’re sorry?” He shook his head, almost foaming at the mouth with the effort it took to keep his temper under control. “It’s a little late for sorry, don’t you think?”

His heart sank, the truth slicing through it like a knife through butter.

“Callum, please!” Ally cried desperately.

“I don’t want to fight,” he said. “I just… I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Callum frowned, shaking his head. “You have no idea do you? You just thought that if you couldn’t see what was going on here, it wasn’t happening? Do you realise how selfish that was – what that did to him? To Ally, to me?”

Jack struggled to keep it together. Every word seemed to weaken his resolve, wearing him down. He took another step backwards, closely followed by Callum.

“Look, I know –“

“You know nothing!” Callum shouted, bearing down on him.

“Stop it!” Ally begged. “Please don’t do this!”

“Why couldn’t you have come back last week? Or last month, or a year ago? But no, you come back for your Dad’s funeral. What the hell is the point of that?”

“Hey!” Maggie demanded, appearing out of nowhere. “What’s going on here?”

Jack glanced over Callum’s shoulder at Maggie, standing with her arm around a sobbing Ally. Jane stood behind them, watching closely.

“Stop this, right now!” Maggie hissed at Callum.

Callum glared at him, struggling to control his temper, before finally turning to rejoin Ally, Maggie and Jane. The four of them stood there, watching Jack in stony silence, united against him.

“You’ve got every right to be pissed,” he said, addressing Callum.

“You think?” Callum’s nostrils flared. “I have no idea why you even came back here. It’s too late for Tom, and we don’t need you anymore – we needed you four years ago, but you disappeared like the coward you are and left us to deal with everything, which we did – without you.”

Faint strains of a hymn carried out on the wind from the funeral service still progressing inside the church.

Callum took a step closer. “Do you even know what that did to him, you running off like that? Do you have a clue at all?”

Jack’s heart hammered in his chest and he opened his mouth to speak, but Callum wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. Callum took another step towards him and grabbed the collar of his jacket. Backing him up against the nearest tree, Callum drew his fist back.

“Don’t! Please!” 

Callum’s jaw tensed. Even though he was glaring daggers at Jack, it was Ally he was talking to. “I’m sorry, I know this wasn’t what you wanted, but it’s what he deserves.”

His fist hovered in mid-air, trembling with anticipation. His grip on Jack’s shirt tightened, leaving him with nowhere to go.

“You walked out on all of us that day, not just her,” he said, to Jack this time. “You don’t get a second chance after something like that.”

Jack’s heart hammered in his chest, the bark from the tree digging into his back.

“Don’t do this – not now, not like this,” Jane begged, walking over to them. “You promised.”

Callum turned to her and Jack felt his grip on his shirt loosen. He held his breath. Slowly, Callum released his shirt altogether and took a step back. Jack straightened out his jacket and shirt and stole a quick glance at Ally. She stared back at him in silent desperation, Maggie’s arm around her shoulders.

Jane had managed to position her body between himself and Callum, forming a physical barrier. She snaked her arm around Callum’s waist and tried to draw him away, but he stood his ground.

Jack shook his head. “I never meant for any of this to happen.” 

The weight of their collective gaze fell upon him. Ally had tears rolling freely down her cheeks, which only added to the ache in his heart. “Are you okay? I’m sorry, I –”

Callum shoved Jane aside and threw a punch that knocked Jack back into the trunk of the tree so fast, he never even saw it coming. There was a roaring in his ears as he slid to the ground. Before he could get to his feet, Callum threw another punch, his fist connecting with Jack’s cheek and jarring his entire body. He barely had enough time to register what was happening before he was hit a third time, making his head almost literally spin. Callum reached down to grab his shirt front and hauled him unceremoniously to his feet.

“You selfish bastard!” he yelled, only inches from his face. “Not one damn word from you in four years and
now
you ask if she’s okay?”

Jack shook his head to clear it of the ringing in his ears. His vision swam, and he had a flashback to one night a lifetime ago, and the power behind Callum’s right hook.

His head was on fire. Acting entirely from instinct, he threw a desperate punch that caught Callum off guard and sent him reeling backwards, staggering to stay on his feet. Seizing his chance, Jack flew after him, tackling him around the waist as they both hit the ground, scrambling to get a decent grip on each other. Frustration and anger boiled over, finesse giving way to raw emotion. Voices in the background became white noise as he fought to gain the upper hand. Guilt was pushed aside, superseded by the desperate need to survive.

This wasn’t like any fight he had ever been in before. Yet despite the fact that he felt he deserved it, his survival instinct was too strong to be suppressed.

Out of nowhere, rough hands on his shoulders forced him bodily upwards. He scrambled to maintain his equilibrium, panting heavily. Callum was facing him, restrained by men he didn’t recognise. The noise was deafening but he couldn’t distinguish the ringing in his ears from the multitude of voices that surrounded them. Callum spat fresh blood out of the corner of his mouth.

“Get the hell out of here,” he panted, glaring at Jack. “And this time, don’t come back.”

Jack heard every word, crystal clear.

With some difficulty, he shrugged out of the hold on him and pitched to the side, straightening up and wiping his hand across his mouth. Pain rocketed through his body. The metallic taste of blood welled up in his mouth and he spat it out, pulling feebly at his ripped shirt. He glanced down to see blood splattering the front of it, spilling over onto the torn sleeve of his jacket. He was suddenly aware of dozens of faces staring at him.

He searched out the only one that really mattered – Ally.

She stood next to Maggie and Jane, tears streaming down her face as they tried to comfort her.

I’ve just made everything worse.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, staggering away from them all.

He ignored the stares as he made his way back to his car, shrugging off the offers of help. He fell into his car and sat there, hanging onto the steering wheel as if it would save him from all of this.

I’m sorry Dad.

Choking back tears of desperation, he pulled away from the curb.

“
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
”

- Mahatma Gandhi

Maggie drove home, snatching the keys off Callum and giving him a filthy look that quickly silenced him when he tried to protest.

Ally stared out the window, ignoring Callum’s numerous attempts at an apology. What was the point of apologising now? It was too late for that. The two goals she had for today were to say goodbye to Tom and make it through the funeral without losing her shit in front of Jack – neither of which she accomplished. She felt sick. It didn’t help that the air was so thick with tension, she could barely breathe.

Jack looked so different. His hair was shorter and his eyes held a haunted look that scared her. It wasn’t just grief – there was something else, she was sure of it – and whatever it was, it went right to his soul. What had happened to him?

He looked surprised to see her standing. Didn’t he know? Why didn’t Tom tell him? If he had known, would he have come home sooner? Her head ached as she turned the questions around and around in her head, only coming up with more questions.

By the time they pulled into her driveway, she was near breaking point. She just wanted to get inside and lock the door before she lost it completely. As soon as the car came to a stop, she threw open her door and leaned her crutches against it, lifting her legs out.

“Ally – come on, just wait a minute, please?”

She ignored Callum, pulling herself up using the back of the seat and the door, throwing her hips forward as she heard her braces lock. Reaching down to check them, she grabbed her crutches and slid her arms into them, taking a couple of shaky steps before pushing the door shut behind her.

“Do you want me to stay for a while?” Maggie called after her.

“No thanks. I just need some time to myself,” she called back over her shoulder, not bothering to turn around.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Callum called. “Oh come on! You saw him, the smug bastard! He just expected an apology would be enough, after everything he did?”

“You promised,” she said tightly, making her way up the front path towards her house. She could feel his gaze burning into her back as the conversation continued behind her.

“Go talk to her,” Maggie ordered.

“I’ve tried – you heard me! She won’t –”

“You made a promise and you broke it, what the hell did you expect?”

“That is such bullshit, don’t pretend he didn’t deserve it!”

“Of course he deserved it! For what it’s worth, I don’t blame you, but that’s not the damn point is it? The point is she asked you not to do this today and you promised, then went ahead and did it anyway!”

“I only promised not to –“

“Just stop making excuses and go talk to her!” Jane hissed.

“Fine!”

Ally heard him starting up the path behind her and she gritted her teeth, wishing she could walk faster. He caught up with her as she climbed the front steps. She tried to ignore him, placing her crutches on the step above, pulling her body upwards and watching as her feet swung onto the step.

“Please, will you just listen?”

He wasn’t going to let this lie. Drawing in a ragged breath, she stopped.

“I really mean it, I am sorry, and you have every right to be pissed off at me. If he’d just stayed away from us, I could have handled it, but that bullshit apology of his? He should’ve backed off. I gave him enough chances.”

The sincerity in his voice wasn’t enough to diffuse her temper.

“So, screw the fact that you made me a promise – it’s all his fault?” she demanded, trying her best to glare at him over her shoulder without losing her balance.

“No! Well, yeah, but – “

“Save it, this is getting us nowhere.”

She resumed her climb up the steps, but he marched up and stood in front of her, blocking her path.

“Just tell me what it is I did that was so wrong!” he demanded. “I never promised this wouldn’t happen – he deserved it!”

“That’s not the point!” she blurted out, angry tears barely held in check. “And what if he goes to the cops and you get landed with an assault charge? Will it be worth it then?” 

“He’s not gonna go to the cops!”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“My money’s on him packing his bags as we speak. He’s got a shitty track record for sticking around when the going gets tough.”

Ally’s heart sank to hear him give voice to her fears.

“It’s obvious you’ve never had to bury anyone you love,” she said. “I’ve been there – twice – and let me tell you, it never gets any easier. What you did today – worst possible timing.”

“I’m sorry I broke my promise to you and I’m sorry about my shitty timing. But I’m not sorry for what I did. He had it coming.”

She choked down the disappointment and fear. “I was dreading today. I was dreading the funeral, seeing Jack – all of it. But it was Tom’s funeral. That’s why I asked you to promise not to do this – not because he didn’t deserve it, but because it was Tom’s funeral and we were there to say goodbye. And we never even got to do that.”

“I’m sorry about that, I really am. But did you expect me to just let Jack do whatever the hell he wanted today? Even though I could see what it was doing to you?”

“Don’t make this about me!” she cried. “You were thinking about yourself! I know you’re pissed at him, but taking out your frustrations on him at his father’s funeral was just wrong!”

Callum rubbed his forehead with the tips of his fingertips as if trying to massage the problem away. She knew she had hit home and she was glad he’d got the message, but it didn’t take any of the fire out of her temper.

“Look, I –“

“I don’t want to do this now. I’m tired and I just need some time to myself.”

“Come on, can we just –“

“Just move, please.”

“Ally –“

“Move!” she glared up at him, until he finally stepped aside.

“I’ll come by later,” he said as she climbed the final two steps in silence. “Maybe we can talk properly then.”

“Don’t bother. I’m tired, I’m gonna take a nap. I just want to forget this day ever happened.”

“What if he turns up here again?”

She stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath, fighting the anger that rose up inside her. She turned to face him again. “Then I’ll deal with it. I suggest you do the same.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you need to get a handle on this. Don’t let it consume you. You need to let it go.”

“Right,” he nodded. “Let it go. You mean like you have?”

She glared at him. He shoved his hands into his pockets, wincing at the movement.

“You look like shit,” she mumbled, her brief glance indicating his battered face and disheveled clothing.

“I’m fine. It was worth it.”

She shook her head and turned her back on him. “See you tomorrow.”

She heard him talking to Jane and Maggie as she unlocked her front door, but by the time she got inside and closed the door after her, the car had pulled out of her driveway. She sighed with relief, taking a few moments to get herself together. Callum’s words still stung.

She thought she
had
let it go.

Jack didn’t remember driving back to his father’s house. He seemed to snap out of the haze as he stumbled through the front door, collapsing against it as it closed behind him. Callum’s words echoed in his ears, each word beating against the inside of his skull like a hammer blow. Running a hand over his face, he winced as his fingers brushed over the cut Callum’s fist had opened up in his cheek. Calling on all his remaining strength, he forced himself to stand up and make his way into the bathroom.

He grabbed a towel and held it under cold water, dabbing cautiously at the cuts and bruises on his face. He stared at his reflection, holding the wet towel against his cheek. It was as if a stranger stared back at him.

Callum was right, about everything. He didn’t deserve to be at the funeral, his apology was outrageously inadequate, and he had no idea what Ally had been through.

Her face haunted him. He saw her standing in front of him again – no wheelchair, heartache etched into her face. He still couldn’t believe his father hadn’t told him, despite their pact. How long had she been walking? How did it happen? What changed?

He rinsed out the bloody towel under more water, pressing it back on his cheek in a futile effort to reduce the swelling.

Once again, he saw the pure hatred in Callum’s face, the sense of betrayal and anger tumbling out of him.

What the hell did you expect?

Ally sat at her kitchen table, watching through the window as the breeze lifted the leaves on the trees in her backyard. She tried to ignore the hollow, empty feeling in her chest but it refused to go away.

She couldn’t get Jack out of her head – the look of hope and relief written all over his face when he saw her standing; the sorrow as he apologised; the reluctant acceptance as Callum had landed that first punch. But what hurt most of all was the raw pain and guilt as he had walked away, bleeding.

What if Callum was right? What if he thought that, after today, there wasn’t any point in staying? What if he had gone back to Tom’s house, packed his bags and taken off again, for good this time? She may never get the chance to talk to him. After all this time, all these years of wondering, he was back, only to disappear again just as quickly?

From deep down inside of her, through the pain and the anger, a desperate need welled up. Where had he been all this time? What had happened to hollow him out like that? She wanted to tell him that she was alright, that she was happy, that he didn’t need to feel guilty about what happened. She wanted to ask him why he left, and now she didn’t care if the truth hurt more than the unsettled ignorance of the last few years.

She straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. Last time she didn’t have any choice, she was unconscious in a hospital bed, broken and helpless. But not this time. This time she was awake and determined not to let it happen again. She deserved answers and she deserved to be heard. He owed her that.