Absolution (22 page)

She blushed but didn’t comment. He wondered if she remembered the kiss they shared, but he didn’t want to risk asking.

She took a sip of her coffee before setting the cup down in front of her and looking over at him. “I’m sorry I bit your head off before.”

“I’m the one who should apologise. I’m sorry I burst in on you like that. I wasn’t thinking straight, I just heard a crash and I panicked.”

“I knocked some stuff off my bedside table when I got out of bed.”

He thought about test-driving her wheelchair the night before. He should have taken more care.  

“Please don’t move stuff around,” she said quietly, as if reading his mind. “Everything’s where it is for a reason.”

“I’m really sorry, I’ve still got a lot to learn. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

She looked almost as embarrassed as he felt. “So now that we’ve both apologised the hell out of this, let’s stick a fork in it and call it done, okay?” she mumbled, flashing him a quick smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

He nodded, folding his arms and leaning on the table. “Can I ask you something?”

Her expression was guarded but he didn’t let it stop him.

“Can I use your shower?”

Relief poured out of her. “Absolutely.”

“
After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
”

- Nelson Mandela

Callum strode up Ally’s front path balancing two cups of takeaway coffee in his hands, as per their usual Saturday morning tradition. He wondered what kind of mood he would find Ally in this particular Saturday morning. She and Jack had gone to Barney’s – on a Friday night, together. Ally hated going to Barney’s on the weekend and he couldn’t blame her. Was she trying to prove to Jack that nothing had changed? If she was, she was playing a dangerous game and Jack was in for a rude awakening. He was all for her getting the closure she needed, but hiding the truth from him wasn’t going to help.

Despite his little chat with Jack, he still wasn’t convinced that he would stick around, and what would happen to her when he didn’t? He tried not to dwell as Ally opened the door. As soon as she did, he could tell something was up, even through the smile she greeted him with.

“Morning,” he said casually.

“Hey.”

He held the coffee up. “Ambrosia – nectar of the Gods.”

She moved aside to let him pass. “I’ve been looking forward to that coffee all morning – I feel kinda… fragile.”

She closed the door behind him and he turned around, checking her out more closely. She looked paler than usual, and that smile wasn’t fooling anyone. “Really? What’s up?”

“I had a few beers last night. I haven’t done that for so long, I forgot how it made me feel. And this morning, I remembered.”

“Ah yes. The mighty hangover. I’m familiar.”

“Exactly. My head hurts and I feel like crap. Do we have to do the exercise thing today?”

“Define ‘crap’ for me.”

She shook her head dismissively. “Just your general run-of-the-mill hangover.”

“Are you sure it’s not – “

“Yes, I’m sure,” she snapped. “I’m not running a temp and I don’t have any other symptoms so you can stand down, doc.”

He ignored her tone. “Okay, chill. Just checking.”

“Sorry,” she mumbled, wheeling past him as she headed towards the living room. “Like I said, not feeling that great. Hangovers suck.”

He followed her through and set her coffee down on the table, sinking into the couch. “No arguments there. So, speaking of last night, how’d it go?”

“Fine.” She took a sip of her coffee.

“Just fine?”

“It was fine – it was okay.”

“Must’ve been more than okay if you had a few beers, or was that Dutch courage?”

“Something like that.”

Not a lot in the way of details were forthcoming. She took another sip of her coffee. He wanted to shake her until she told him everything, but she looked so fragile, he took pity on her. “I can come back tonight if you want. Maybe you’ll be feeling better then, and we can do your range-of-motion stuff.”

“That’d be great. Thanks.” She stared at the coffee cup in her lap.

“You can talk to me about last night if you want,” he offered. “I’m not gonna do anything stupid, I promise.”

She fiddled with the lid, biting her lip. “Thanks, but it’s fine. I wouldn’t know where to start, anyway.”

“Come on – talk to me.”

She hung her head. Something was definitely up. His imagination began to run wild. “What did he do?”

“What? Nothing, he didn’t do anything.”

“I swear to God, I’ll knock him straight into next week, if he so much as –”

“Oh for God’s sake, it’s not his fault, it’s mine!” She reached forward to put the coffee cup on the table in front of her.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she mumbled miserably.

“Do what?”

She stared at her hands in her lap, her fingers finding her grandmother’s ring and twirling it over and over until he had to fight the urge to lean over and physically stop her.

“Be near him,” she said finally. “Talk to him. Every time I look at him, I can see both of him.”

“Both of him?”

She shrugged, hair falling forward to partially obscure her face. “Who he was before, and who he is now.”

Finally, Callum understood what she was trying to say. He had seen it too. “He’s changed.”

“So have I,” she said quietly.

Three Years Earlier

“So what happens now?” Tom asked.

The doctor looked up from the chart in his hand and pushed his glasses further up his nose. “We’ll keep her in for a couple of days, for observation. Someone from the psych team will assess her tomorrow then contact you to talk things over and explain what happens next.”

“Is she awake now? Can we see her?” Maggie asked.

“Yes, she’s awake, and you can see her. She’s likely to be a little uncomfortable, though. She might also be withdrawn – possibly angry, maybe even embarrassed, just so you know what to expect, potentially.”

Callum nodded, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

“Thank you,” Tom said quietly, and he and Callum exchanged a wary glance.

“Keep the visit short,” the doctor cautioned. “She’s been through an ordeal, she needs to rest. Save the questions until later, when she’s feeling stronger. Perhaps just two visitors, for now?”

Maggie enveloped Tom in a hug. “You and Callum should go to her. Tell her I love her and I’m thinking of her and I’ll see her tomorrow, when she’s feeling better.”

Callum nodded at Tom over her shoulder. Maggie pulled away, wiping her eyes.

“We won’t be long. Wait here, okay? I’ll take you home. I don’t want you driving, not like this,” Tom said, squeezing her shoulder.

Jane slipped her arm around Callum’s waist, leaning her head on his shoulder. He pulled her into a hug, her heart pounding next to his.

“Give her that, from me,” she said, releasing him and forcing a smile.

“I will.”

Tom and Callum followed the doctor down the hallway towards Ally’s room. Callum’s heart pounded. He had no idea what to say to her. Staring at her from the doorway, the hospital bed seemed to swallow her up and he was immediately reminded of the aftermath of the accident, twelve months earlier. This time though, Ally was awake and staring out the window of the small room. She made no indication of having heard them enter.

Exchanging a worried glance with Tom, he settled himself into the chair beside her bed. Tom stood beside him, and again all of this felt so familiar, yet so much worse this time.

“Hey,” he said quietly, tears gathering in his eyes. She looked so sad. Was she sad she tried to end it, or sad she failed? “How’re you feeling?”

He reached out for her hand and enclosed it in his own. She didn’t respond.

“You scared the shit out of me,” he whispered.

He remembered what the doctor said as he studied her. She didn’t look embarrassed or angry. She looked empty. “Maggie and Jane are here. They send their love.”

She continued to stare out the window as Tom laid a hand on his shoulder. He glanced up at him but Tom’s attention was firmly fixed on Ally. “Hey honey. How are you feeling?”

The love and helplessness reflected in Tom’s voice had Callum swallowing back tears. He felt as if wherever it was she had gone, she wasn’t coming back to them anytime soon.

“She needs her rest and the doc said we shouldn’t stay long,” Tom said. “Maybe we should come back later.”

Callum shook his head. “I think I’ll stay for a while longer.”

There was no way he was leaving her alone, not after what just happened. He had screwed up once already – he wasn’t going to do it again.

“I’ll collect some of her things from the house and be back here in an hour or so. I’ll bring you something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry.”

“Fine,” Callum sighed. “Bring her chair.”

“I will.”

He reached over Callum and rubbed Ally’s arm awkwardly. “I’ll be back soon, honey. Try to get some rest.”

Ally made no indication she had heard him.

As Tom backed slowly towards the door, Callum tried to give him a comforting smile that fell woefully short of the mark.

Turning back to Ally, he noticed her reflection in the window-pane. She wore a vacant expression that he had never seen before. It was as if her essence, her soul, had been scraped away and all that was left was a shell, brittle and fragile. He squeezed her hand gently, afraid of hurting her.

“It’s going to be alright,” he said, trying his best to convince both of them. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His words hung in the air between them for a while longer before the silence swallowed them up.

Jack took his new cell phone out and tossed the box aside. Inserting the battery, he plugged it into the charger and scrolled through the options, familiarising himself. One phone seemed much the same as another, and it wasn’t the first time he had discarded a perfectly good cell phone in order to wipe the slate clean. Pausing for a moment, he went into the contacts function and added Callum’s number from his old phone, just in case. A moment later, he added Ally’s. 

He picked up his old phone again and scrolled through the contacts list, pausing on his father’s name. His heart seized as he stared at it. He would give anything to be able to tap that call button and hear his familiar voice on the other end.

Turning the phone over, he pulled out the SIM card and threw both phone and card into the garbage. No more missed calls from Ben. No more threatening voicemail messages. No more looking over his shoulder. Once again, he was walking away from his old life.

He put his new phone down on the table and found himself staring at the shopping list his father had left on the fridge. The handwriting brought back memories, tugging at his heartstrings. He wished he were here, so much it hurt.

Why couldn’t he have made the decision to come home sooner?