Abandon (2 page)

“Professor Sefadhi told me that if I was in Damascus I should come and see you,” he said, feeling he’d said this already, but needing somehow to fill the silence. The old man, without a word, disappeared into a tiny kitchen and returned a few minutes later with two glasses of tea and a sad-looking plate of biscuits.

“You’re old friends, he told me.”

“Yes,” said the man. “We have known each other many years.”

A silence fell again, and the man showed no signs of responding to it. “Professor Sefadhi said, actually, you might be able to help me with the poets I’m working on. It’s an honor to meet you, after reading you for so long.”

This was the local form, he knew, but the man seemed indifferent to it.

“You study with Javad now? In Santa Monica?”

“Barbara, yes. I learned Farsi at SOAS under Professor Willing-don and then—well, I moved to California to study with Professor Sefadhi.”

“I see,” said the man, who looked as if he was waiting to be back with his books. “And Javad, he is well?”

“Very well. He has quite a following in Santa Barbara. They say he may get a chair.”

“Of course,” said Khalil, as if this were news from another planet, and he knew it in any case. “Javad has always had friends.”

It was hard to know what exactly lay behind the comment, so he returned to his theme as before. “He said, actually, you might have some suggestions about where I could go for more information. I’m working on the Sufis—lesser-known works of Rumi—and he said you might know of resources not widely available in the West.”

“The Shiraz Manuscript, you’re speaking of ?” said the man, sharply, quickly, as if they were haggling over something in the suq. “We are the last to know about that.”

“The ‘Shiraz Manuscript’?” The term was new to him. “That would be . . .”

“Nothing,” said Khalil. “Rumors. In Tehran you will hear one hundred people tell you that the Imam is alive and in hiding. And two hundred people will tell you that the Shah is coming back. It’s only rumors.”

“But it was one of the manuscripts that came out in ’79?”

“Whispers,” said the man, as if to brush off a persistent fly. “To keep the people busy while they wait for the Twelfth Imam. You are studying Hafez, Saadi in Santa Monica?”

“Barbara, yes. All of them. But my main interest is . . .”

“You know Kristina Jensen? A friend of mine.”

A friend of a Syrian professor in Santa Barbara? He’d been told to keep on alert around Khalil—“He knows how to play poker even if he isn’t holding any cards,” Sefadhi had said. “Life’s not easy in Damascus”—but already he felt that the conversation was being taken away from him.

“I don’t think so. She lives in Santa Barbara?”

“Yes. California. I met her at the Islamic Symposium in Oslo, four years ago. You can take a small gift for her?”

“Of course.” It was all happening so quickly, as he’d been warned it would; he’d come here in search of information and now, somehow, he was being used as a courier for the old man, taking who knows what around the world.

He was in no position to say no, though, and already the professor was in the next room, loudly rummaging through what the visitor assumed to be boxes and old papers. Looking around him in the small room, he saw nothing but loneliness and devotion: the biscuits spoke of how few people ever came here, and the black-and-white photographs in the frames had not been dusted for a long time. Above them, on the wall, much larger, was a whole array of photographs of President Assad and his two sons.

“Here, this only,” said the man, coming back into the room with a small package the shape of a box, wrapped in a page of the previous day’s
Al Baath.

“You have her address?”

“Address?” said the man, looking suddenly put out. “No. No address. But her telephone number is 00-1-805-964-3271. Please call her and you can find the address. She is close to Javad, I think.” Socially? Geographically? The man claimed only to have met her at a conference, and yet he knew her phone number by heart? “Go into the field,” Mowbray had told him years before, “and you’ll find yourself moving from darkness into deeper darkness.”

“She probably knows Professor Sefadhi?” he tried. “If she’s interested in Islam.”

“Perhaps,” said Khalil, but now that his chore had been taken care of, he seemed to have lost all interest in their talk. He placed his small hands on his large thighs as if to suggest that the interview was over.

“You don’t know anything about Rumi that might be helpful to my project, then?”

“A great poet,” said the man, in what might have been his public voice. “Even we do not know all that he has written.”

The “we” was a way of putting him in his place—reminding him he was a trespasser here—and he realized he would get nothing more from the old man.

He followed him down the unlit corridor, and when his host pulled open the door, he heard, “My regards to Javad, please. And Miss Jensen. A safe trip to Santa Monica.”

“Barbara,” he said.

“Of course,” and the door closed in his face.

That night he couldn’t get to sleep—the way, if someone just mentions a name she thinks you know, you search and search until you lose all focus. When, after what felt like hours, he fell away at last, he was in a desert somewhere, a dusty and abandoned place, and Martine was by his side, though it didn’t look like her. She was working on a puzzle of some kind, and then an alarm went off, and there were voices, lights, a man who looked like Khalil walking past.

“There’s just room for one more letter,” she was saying.

He woke up and realized he’d had the answer to whatever it was she was looking for, but hadn’t managed to bring it out in time. Strange tears were pricking at his eyes.

By the time he got to London, and Nigel and Arabella’s house, he was still feeling displaced somehow, as if the love song in the airport taxi in Damascus, slow and plangent, was still going through him in some way. He made up an excuse, said he had to do something before he came back for dinner, and Nigel looked at him strangely, more than ever convinced, no doubt, that California was robbing him of his reason. But there was nothing his friend could say to stop him, and soon he was out again, in the streets, joining the crowds as they pushed towards the river. The center of London was always jam-packed in the summer, every language audible but English, and as he made his way to Westminster—not at all where he’d expected to be going—he felt like a foreigner at home. The light was just beginning to fade as he slipped into the back of the great drafty space.

The choristers were taking their places in their stalls as he sat down, surpliced and translated out of their schoolboy selves; the red lamps above the scores in front of them threw a strange and ancient light up into their faces. Outside, it was getting dark—he could tell by the smudged light through the stained-glass windows—and as he sat on a bare pew in the back, suddenly the young voices began to rise up around him, high and unfallen, as if angels were summoning every creature to their presence. The voices rose and echoed through the huge space as if to pull the whole building up into the air, and for a moment he thought back, for no reason he could fathom, to the great mosque in Damascus, the men on the floor, their hands upturned on either side of them.

Do with me what you will, their cupped palms said. I am nothing; you are all.

When the hymn was over, a somewhat older boy went up to a lectern and practiced the lesson, and then the choirmaster led them all in a small, massed chanting of the Lord’s Prayer—
“Adveniat
regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua sicut in cœlo et in terra”
—before letting the sweet unbroken voices rise again, sanctifying everything before them, and making it clean.

“There’s something different about you,” Nigel said after dinner, as they started clearing away the dishes. “Something strange. I can’t put my finger on it, but, I don’t know, you’re different.”

“It must be California.”

“Must be,” said his friend, who didn’t sound delighted by the change. “You seem more serious in a way. More—how can I put it?—hungry.”

“It doesn’t sound like a good thing, the way you put it.”

“Probably isn’t, no. Are you going to call Martine while you’re here?” He slipped it in so casually, it was clearly what he’d been leading up to all along.

“I think she’s probably glad of a break from me.”

“Yes. That part hasn’t changed.” And Nigel was off again, to collect the salt and pepper shakers, while he went on with the drying. When he went out, the rites complete, his friend said, “Sleep well. If we don’t see you in the morning, give us a call sometime when you’re back home.”

In the morning, however, they were both waiting for him in the kitchen, bleary over mugs of Nescafé, and Nigel left him with “Don’t lose your sense of humor, will you?”

“I don’t think I can, if I’m studying religion.”

“No, suppose you’re right. Anyway, it’s good to see you, even if you do seem half mad.”

At the airport, in the departure lounge, he picked up a receiver and put in his card, then held the instrument in place and put it down again. Whatever he said at this point could only come out wrong: if he sounded happy, if he sounded bereft—all of it could only be an insult.

“So the prodigal returns,” Alejandro said in his ironic way, three days later, outside the lecture hall, as they bumped into each other in the corridor, on their way to Ryan McCarthy.

“And the fatted calf awaits him.”

“How was it?”

“Amazing; really amazing. It sounds stupid, I know, but it really puts you in your place.”

“I can imagine. Hafez Assad has that effect, I’ve heard.”

Though Alex had been in California for three years or more, he’d never lost the raised eyebrow of Buenos Aires.

“And you? What have I missed?”

“Everything. Nothing. I toil in the pastures of the heartbroken. Becoming a doctor who can’t heal when I wish only to be a bachelor once more.” He spoke a strange, overflowery English, fluent, but sounding, often, as if it had passed through Spanish first.

“And so our investigation into the death of God proceeds,” his friend went on as they passed through the open doors and claimed some seats a few rows in from the back. “ ‘Can you tell us where you were on the night of May 17? We have reason to believe that it was then that this person with whom you were involved—the “Higher Power,” as He is sometimes called—first went missing. Unless you can shed some light on when you saw Him last, we will have to presume Him dead.’ ” He’d come to this New World to make a new life for himself, everyone assumed; but he’d never lost his habit of masking his intentions in the devices of the Old.

Around them the same faces as usual were taking the same seats as usual, some near the back, with a view to a rapid escape, others near the front, in the hopes of a rapid ascent. Religious Studies was in permanent danger of following the gods it studied into oblivion; though the number of its students was ever on the rise, that was mostly because it presented itself now as a science, and offered classes on “Rage” and “Men’s Wildness.” A researcher from MIT—so the persistent rumor ran—had actually been called in to conduct experiments on how laboratory mice responded to an image of the Virgin Mary.

Sefadhi still fought a rearguard action, however, and he was a seasoned and determined fighter, “from a culture where faith is not such a dirty word,” as he was fond of saying, glossing over some of the finer points of Persian history. He’d made it his mission to bring in wandering speakers, like prophets from the desert, to remind the rabble of “primordial fire,” as he called it. Now, standing at the podium, he shuffled through his notes and motioned for a lowering of the lights, a return to sacred silence.

“Fortune, the ancients held, favored those who paid homage to it in secret,” he began, speaking with the forgotten courtesies of his native Isfahan. “Much as a woman might drop a handkerchief to lure a passing knight’s gaze towards her window. Just so, we in Religious Studies must have been burning offerings in private to merit the visit of one such as Ryan McCarthy.”

There were a few uncertain snickers, the inevitable rolled eyes. The ornamental phrases rolled on and on—treasures scattered out of a jeweled box—and their object, a man with tufts of reddish hair around his ears, and an aging herringbone jacket with huge patches on its sleeves, stood up to take the stand.

“Many of you, I know, are familiar,” Sefadhi continued, bald head glinting in the lights (and the visiting dignitary sitting down again), “with Professor McCarthy’s ground-breaking work on scriptures in a secular world,
Sensuous Seducers,
with its elegant subtitle,
Lures
and Gambits in the Bible.
All of you, I know, are acquainted with his exchange with Huston Smith in the
Journal of Religious Studies.
But none of that, I think, can prepare us for what he will be sharing with us today. It is with something more than honor, and with a feeling much deeper than pride, that I give you Professor Ryan McCarthy.”

The applause was scattered, and then the promised savior got up again and trudged over to the podium, looking around all the while as if he’d blown his cue again. When he faced them, they could see, even if he could not, that his blue-striped shirt was misbuttoned and his shoelaces were loose. He looked like a passerby dragged by mistake into a frat-house party.