Authors: Robyn Carr
“Serpent’s tooth,” Winnie muttered.
Lin Su laughed at them. “Now, ladies,” she admonished, “no need to feel sorry for us, really. We’re a very good team. I’ve been so lucky—everywhere I go with Charlie people like him. Admire him. He had a lot of illnesses and look at him—smart as a whip, polite, handsome.”
“You said that a couple of times,” Grace said. “What kind of illnesses?”
“Luckily nothing we couldn’t survive. But it was terrifying at the time. Asthma, a lot of allergies, a weak immune system, winter colds that turned into bronchitis and pneumonia. When he was three he spent two weeks in the hospital, most of that on oxygen. I don’t think a camel could carry the weight of antibiotics he’s had in his lifetime. And that’s its own worry—too many antibiotics.”
Grace glanced at the boy running along the beach below the deck. “He seems awfully healthy now.”
“He’s much better, but he has to carry an inhaler and an EpiPen. He’s a little undersize—I know that frustrates him. He hates his glasses but he’s nearly blind without them. When he’s older, when contacts work or maybe even surgery... Well, I’m a nurse. I’ve seen young parents through far worse situations—cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, cancer...”
“How is the asthma?” Winnie asked.
“Well, it depends who you ask. If you ask Charlie it’s much better and he hardly ever uses his inhaler, but he still takes daily medication for it. Charlie is determined it’s going to go away and I’m determined he learns to manage it without telling himself fairy stories that it will disappear. If he eats peanuts or shrimp or gets stung by a bee—we could be rushing to the emergency room. That’s why he carries an EpiPen and so do I.”
“You’re a superwoman,” Grace said after a moment of silence. “I can’t imagine the stress of that.”
“You’re having a baby,” Lin Su said. “You’ll soon realize you have many difficult and stressful moments to deal with and deal with them you will. If there’s anything that can make a woman strong, it’s taking care of her child.”
“Amen,” Winnie said.
“Are you getting by all right now?” she asked Lin Su.
“We don’t have a surplus but where is the shame in that? We do fine. Better than ever since we’ve been taking so many meals with you!” She laughed a little, then grew more serious. “We’re doing very well, thank you for asking,” she said.
* * *
Ginger felt there was an almost magical quality to her life. She put Matt in his truck and sent him on his way home before calling her mother. Sue Dysart cried, she was that happy at the news. Or maybe she was relieved that her only daughter wasn’t going to rot on the vine, after all. Or choose another deadbeat like Mick.
It was true, Ginger had a new hope—a second chance. “I hope you never know the agony of watching your daughter suffer through such terrible heartache,” Sue said. “I don’t think there’s any pain worse than the pain of watching your own flesh and blood struggle. I was so afraid you’d be alone forever. Not because you’d never find the right man to build a life with but because you wouldn’t let yourself find him.”
“You’re going to love Matt,” Ginger said. “He’s the sweetest, most loving man I’ve ever known and he’s so unselfish. I honestly don’t know how I found him.”
“Tell me every detail,” Sue begged.
“I can only tell you the details of our courtship, which has been so romantic even if it hasn’t been very long—just three months. But three of the most lovely months I’ve ever had. From the time the lambs were born and the sheep sheared until now, the onset of the harvest, we’ve had almost every weekend together. Long weekends. And soon the chaos of the harvest begins with the gathering of extended families every moment they have to spare, helping each other bring in the crops.”
“My goodness, you sound like a farm wife already!” Sue laughed.
“I’m already starting to feel like one.”
She gave her mother all the details she knew of a big farming empire. It would be such a busy few weeks she and Matt weren’t sure there would be enough time to shop for and buy a proper ring, but he promised her she would have a beautiful one before they were wed.
Sue wanted to know what kind of wedding Ginger hoped for.
“Are you a little afraid I’m going to ask you to get me married a half dozen times?” Ginger asked.
“I expect you’re looking for entirely different things in a man this time around,” Sue said.
“I know I already apologized to you and Dad for the debacle of Mick,” she said. “I don’t know what to blame that failure of good sense on. I was young, but not that young. Not young enough to be that blind and foolish.”
“I guess love isn’t always brilliant even though it seems so at the time.”
“You have no idea how I wish I’d been smarter,” Ginger said. “I guess once you cast your lot with a partner you hang in there until it’s entirely hopeless.” And as she said that she couldn’t help but think about Matt and his brief marriage. It wasn’t dissimilar, only shorter. “Since we’ve both been married and divorced, we don’t really feel like a huge celebration. Just something meaningful and modest, something to match how we feel about moving forward, that’s all. It feels very safe and solid.”
“Just safe?” her mother asked.
“Oh, Mom, I’m not settling for Matt, please never think that. Matt is like a dream come true, a man and husband I was never wise enough to long for.”
“Just tell me you’re completely over Mick,” Sue begged in a tense whisper.
Poor Mom
, Ginger thought. The whole family thought she’d lost her mind when she brought home this musician, this wannabe star. “I don’t blame you for having doubts about my ability to make a sane decision after what I put all of you through. I’d love to explain it—it was all the glitter that he promised me day after bloody day. The irony is—I don’t even like a lot of glitter! I wanted it for him. If he fulfilled all those dreams, it would mean I’d been right to believe in him. But I wasn’t,” she said. “He lived in such a crazy dream world. It took me too long to realize it was nothing but pipe dreams, nothing but smoke and mirrors. Am I over him? Mom, the shock of reality is not only permanent, it’s a little hard to live with. I wish I’d been wide-awake much sooner.”
She was not only over Mick, she was certain he was completely over her. By now he had certainly found someone to share his fantasies. “You’ll see, Matt is nothing like that. He comes from a large, hardworking family that values commitment and loyalty, fidelity and sound judgment. They’re steadfast. Genuine and completely sincere.” She laughed. “Also loud, a little crazy and noble.”
Ginger went down the list of Matt’s siblings, each one she had met and those she only knew about, all so different, from medical practitioner to public relations specialist to vintner to PhD candidate. “I think only his youngest sister married in the culture. Her husband is a Basque chef in San Francisco.”
“They’re not the easiest people to negotiate with,” Sue said. “But they’re good to their word. Maybe you’ll end up with some good Basque recipes.”
“Maybe so. But I bet not a day before we’re married,” Ginger said.
Her brother Richard had the largest home in the family and wanted to host the barbecue to officially introduce Matt to everyone. It almost rivaled a Lacoumette family gathering, it was that busy and loud. Ginger’s sisters-in-law, Beth and Melissa, provided almost all the food with Dick buying excellent meat for the grill and Sue providing dessert that she bought because she was not into cooking or baking at all. The men all knew Matt and had dealt with Matt, George and Paco when negotiating trucking contracts for their crops but they were meeting a social Lacoumette this time, not a shrewd businessman.
The conversation was reduced to jests about business associates socializing together as in-laws.
“I suppose the elder Lacoumette will begin to take into consideration that we’re now family when we write our next contract,” Dick Dysart said. “Or maybe he’ll hire an agent to do his negotiating.”
“I think you’ll be lucky if Paco doesn’t insist on driving the trucks,” Matt said. “He’s a very hands-on businessman. My advice? Look at his own truck before you even consider the idea. It’s a hundred years old.”
“We know he has plenty of money, Matt,” Richard said. “He’s getting it from us and our low prices!”
“Is that a fact? Paco said you robbed him blind!”
Ginger, who had never been a part of the trucking business, learned something. These men were happy to have come to terms that satisfied them and allowed them to call each other thieves. It was an old and time-honored system.
There were four kids, still enjoying the backyard pool, ranging in age from five to twelve. Her brothers each had a boy and a girl. The food was wonderful, the day passed with everyone in great spirits and the proposed union of Dysart and Lacoumette was heartily and genuinely approved.
It was late in the day when everyone was cleaning up and packing up to say their goodbyes that Sue took Ginger aside. She pulled her around the corner of the family room of Richard’s large house. They stood in a dimly lit hallway and Sue said, “I don’t want to do this but I won’t keep secrets from you. Mick got in touch with me. He doesn’t know where you are, which I believe is what you want. He says he’s in a crisis and needs to talk to you. It’s urgent, he says, and you’re the only person who will understand, who can help him, and he asked me to have you call him.”
“What kind of crisis?” she asked.
Sue shook her head. “I don’t know, he wouldn’t tell me another thing.”
“Is he sick?”
“He wouldn’t say. Your father is angry—he told me not to tell you anything about it. But I won’t lie. What if he just wants money?”
“Mom, I’m not going to give Mick money. I’m a slow learner but I’m not that slow.”
“Thank God,” Sue said. “Then you won’t call him?”
“Of course I’ll call him. Nothing is ever urgent with him—unless he wants to tell someone that he just got a personal call from Bruce Springsteen. But you know Mick would’ve told you that. I’ll find out what he wants. I’m sure it’ll be a simple matter to tell him to go away, that I don’t care about his plans or his concerts, that I’m not giving him anything, that I’m no longer in any way attached to him.”
“Don’t call him, Ginger!” Sue said. “Don’t even tempt fate.”
“Mom, I’m not the simple idiot I was when I was with Mick. He can’t threaten me or manipulate me anymore. Maybe he wants to make amends. That would be positive. Closure would be good. But I’ll make sure he’s not dying.”
“What if he is dying?” Sue asked.
“Still,” Ginger said. “I would be sorry to hear that but we’re not together and we haven’t been for a long time.”
“Don’t, Ginger. Don’t talk to him.”
“I’m not afraid of him, Mom. I’ll call him. I’ll give him as much as ten minutes.”
Suddenly there was Matt, standing in the hallway. Looming in the hallway, bigger somehow. Broader. His face scowling. It was Mad Matt.
“No,” he said. “No.”
Sixteen
G
inger wouldn’t let Matt say any more while in her brother’s house. Once they were in his truck she turned in her seat to stare at him. He was still frowning.
“What was
that
about?” she asked.
“What?” he asked, but his expression was angry. He knew. Damn it, he knew!
“You tell me no? No, I can’t return a call if I choose to? Seriously?”
“To your ex-husband? The man who ripped your heart out without a second thought?” he asked. “Yes, I’m serious!”
She thought maybe he was driving a little faster, his hands gripping the wheel. “We’ll talk about this when we get back to your apartment,” she said.
It was a quick trip back to Matt’s home. It was a perfectly adequate one-bedroom apartment but there were obvious reasons why he wasn’t comfortable there. For one thing, once his wife had taken what she wanted, he hadn’t bothered to replace much. The bedroom set, a very masculine and heavy bed and dressers, he had purchased for himself after the apartment was nearly emptied of furniture. He had a TV and sectional but all the things that made a house a home were missing. There was one picture on one wall, the other walls blank but sporting the nails pictures had hung on. There was one bedroom lamp, one living room lamp, there were no accents or throws or plants or baskets of papers or magazines. There was a bookshelf filled with only the books he might care about—agriculture and science-related textbooks. They hadn’t spent much time there, hadn’t prepared any real meals there, but she’d been there long enough to notice dishes and glassware were not in great supply.
It was a home that had been abandoned and he had done nothing to make it his. He hadn’t really tried to wipe out the past and start from scratch.
She tossed her purse on the sofa and sat down. “Tell me why you’re so angry,” she said.
“Do you really have to ask me?” he said. “You’re going to get in touch with the slimeball who put you through so much!”
“You’re pacing,” she said. “Please stop. Please sit down and talk to me.”
He sat, but he wasn’t happy about it. “Ginger, he’s not worth your time.”
“I completely agree,” she said. “There’s absolutely no threat in asking him what’s so urgent. I don’t love him, Matt. I don’t even like him very much anymore. Do you trust me? Do you believe I won’t lie to you? Because I won’t lie to you. I love you.”
He reached for her hand. “I want you to hate him,” he said. Simple and straightforward.
“There’s a part of me that does hate him. At least I resent what he did.”
“He used you!”
“I think you’re right. And I let him. In fact, I nearly invited him to use me. I’m never going to let that happen to me again. What are you afraid of? That I’ll give him a kidney?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised...”
“Oh, Matt,” she said, a slight chuckle coming out of her in spite of it all. “If you like, I’d be happy for you to listen to the conversation. I’ll call him from your phone and you can listen in.”
“Why? Just tell me why? You don’t owe him anything!”
“Not for him,” she said. “For me! Matt, I want to be finished with Mick but not bitter. We were wrong for each other and that might’ve been more my fault than his.”
“You excuse him! Over and over!”
“No!” she said. “No, I don’t excuse his behavior! I don’t know how he lives with himself. But I’m not going to carry hate into our future. I made quite a few misjudgments with Mick. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place and I never should have tricked myself into thinking an innocent baby would change our relationship.”
“How do you accept all that so calmly?” he nearly raged. “Oh, I made a little mistake, let’s all just let it go and forget about it!”
“Matt, stop that. I don’t know who you’re really angry with. Is it your ex-wife that makes you so furious? Is it me? Is it Mick, who you’ve never met?”
“I hate my ex-wife,” he said, looking away.
“I can’t help you with that,” she said. “But I can tell you it won’t help anything. And it probably won’t be good for us.”
“Why?” he said. “They’re not going to be a part of
us
!”
“You’re turning that anger on me,” she said. “You’re having trouble trusting me because you couldn’t trust Natalie. I’m not talking about a little anger that burns out quickly. It’s like a cancer, eating away at you. It’s not good.”
“How would you feel if I wanted to get together with Natalie?” he shouted.
“Maybe you should because you’re not at peace with your decision to get a divorce. Are you going to build your life around hating her? And being bitter about her?” She could see this was going nowhere. Matt didn’t realize most of his anger was with himself. He, like Ginger, was starting to realize he was a participant in whatever had gone wrong. He wasn’t at fault, but he was a part of it even if the only thing he was guilty of was marrying her in the first place.
“Before we can make a new start you have to come to terms with your divorce. You did the right thing—it wasn’t going to work. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. You don’t have to be mad at her anymore—it’s over. And you don’t have to distrust me.
“If you don’t want me to talk to Mick, I won’t,” she said quietly. “But it won’t be about me talking to Mick. It’ll be about you. You and your pain and anger.”
“Do whatever you want,” he said. “I’m going to bed.”
Ginger stayed on the couch. She looked at his sparsely furnished apartment with the naked walls. This wasn’t just because he was a guy and couldn’t be bothered. He’d been talking about the house he wanted to build in great detail and he wanted it to be beautiful and welcoming. He described a nurturing place, a family place filled with love and comfort. This apartment was to Matt what a tombstone was to a cemetery.
She tried to imagine him bringing women here. It didn’t seem particularly satisfying. He must have felt he was trying to fill an empty spot.
She gave him plenty of time before she went to the bedroom. She slipped off her summer dress, brushed her teeth and slid in beside him. He took her instantly into his big, strong arms.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I was angry. I hate that bastard.”
“I know. And not just a little angry.”
“I don’t like it. I won’t talk to you that way again.”
She snuggled closer. “I hope not, Matt. It hurts. I haven’t done anything to warrant that kind of anger. But maybe I will someday. Then what?”
“You won’t,” he said. “I know you won’t. We love each other.”
“Oh, I won’t do what Natalie did,” she said. “I won’t do what Mick did. But I might defy you in some way and you’ll turn into Mad Matt. I don’t want to be with Mad Matt.”
“Never again, I promise.”
She turned in his arms, kissed his bristly chin and said, “Can you listen to me without getting angry? Because there’s something I want to say to you. And I don’t want to ever be afraid you’re going to flip out.”
“Say it. You can say anything.”
“I’m glad we have the harvest, my love,” she said. “We need the time, you and I. I’ll do anything I can to help but I think it’s important to get beyond these people from our pasts that hurt us.”
“I am beyond it,” he said. “I haven’t said I want to see Natalie.”
“I want you to see her,” she said.
He actually jumped a little in surprise. “You can’t want that!”
“I do. I think it would be good if you talked with her for a while. See if you can understand rather than blame her.”
“But Ginger, it’s her fault!” he said. “I was good to her. I tried, for God’s sake.”
“And now you have to try to forgive her,” she said. “I don’t want to bring that hate and anger into our future.”
“I promise I won’t let that happen to us,” he said.
“It’ll happen. I’m not going to be a perfect wife, sweetheart. I’m already failing you as a fiancée—just the threat of talking to Mick made you wild with anger. I’m sure there will be things I do or say that you hate, that make you so angry.”
“Everyone gets a little pissed sometimes...”
She shook her head. “I’m not talking about a little grumpy or upset. I know what it is to be mad—I hung up on Mick the last time I talked to him. I’m talking about that rage you feel when you think you’re not in control anymore. I don’t want to take that forward. I want to go forward with joy. I want the past to be really in the past. I can’t tell you how to feel but I think the person you really need to forgive is yourself. We’re not perfect human beings. We all make terrible mistakes. Forgive her, Matt. If you ever figure out your part in it, forgive yourself. Then we can move on.”
He was silent for a moment. Then he growled and turned away from her.
She stroked his back. “I don’t want you to hurt over it anymore, that’s all.”
Because
, she thought,
we
can’t make a good marriage on the foundation of all that rage and pain
. “Maybe I don’t know anything, but it seems if you were over it then being with me now would bring you more contentment. Peace of mind. And this doesn’t feel like contentment and peace of mind.”
Even though he had presented his back to her, she curled up to him and eventually went to sleep. Deep in the night she felt his hands on her, his lips on her neck and breast. His touch was so precious to her; she responded to him so naturally. She opened up to him immediately, returned his kisses, held him close, moved with him, took him into her and experienced all the rapture their intimacy always provided. He was slow and gentle until she encouraged him to be a little more urgent and he did what he did best, brought her the ultimate pleasure.
Then he held her close and gently stroked her naked body.
She was almost back to sleep when his gravelly voice came in the night. “I think you have to stop reading psychology or self-help books. We’re fine.”
* * *
In the morning Ginger was getting ready to leave while Matt scrambled them some eggs. They sat side by side on the sofa, holding their breakfast on trays on their knees. There was tension most obvious by their pleasantness to each other. After helping to wash up the dishes she said, “I know you’re itching to get out to the farm and I have a long drive.”
He nodded and pulled her close. “Let’s not fight,” he whispered into her hair. “Please.”
“Let’s not,” she said. “Matt, think about getting out of here. This apartment. You hate it and it’s not a home to you. It’s a couple of rooms. And it eats at you.”
“Where do you suggest I go?” he said, and she could see that dark look coming into his eyes again.
“I don’t know. Go home. I think you stay there half the time anyway.”
“Where will we go when you come to the farm?” he asked. “You know for the next several weeks I can’t get to Thunder Point. You said you’d come up here. I need you beside me.”
“It doesn’t matter about me,” she said. “We could get a room somewhere. We could camp in the hayloft or even stay with my parents. It’s just that... Listen, you eat at your mother’s table because there’s comfort there. You stay at the farm because it’s warm with allies, with family. This apartment is functional but I think it’s like nettles in your underwear. Could be time for a fresh start.”
“I’ll have a fresh start when my house is ready.”
“That’s a long time for you to be itchy and cranky.”
“If we don’t talk about all the difficult stuff, starting with our exes...”
“It wouldn’t have worked for me,” she said, shaking her head. “I couldn’t have stayed in my little rented house and just kicked Mick out. I had my marriage in that house and even though I wanted to end it and ending it was the right thing to do, if I’d stayed there I think it would’ve been harder for me to move on. You’re not happy here. This isn’t your home anymore. And I’m not ever going to live here with you. There’s a barrier.”
He glanced away from her. She could see his jaw tense.
“Just think about it, Matt,” she said. “I’ll still come to the farm to help during the harvest. I’m excited about it. You have family sleeping in every nook when they come to help—I can, too. I’ll bed down with you in the back of your truck! We’ll find a way to be together.”
“Then we’ll get married,” he said.
“You won’t have time to think about anything but grapes and pears and potatoes for a while. Let’s resolve a few things after the harvest. I love you very much.”
* * *
When Ginger was back in Thunder Point people were very anxious to know how her weekend with Matt and the family went. She put on a smiling face and said it was great. But then she looked for a time Peyton might be able to sneak away for a talk. “How about an ice cream sundae at the diner?” she asked.
“Sure. Things are quiet at about two and Scott’s in the clinic. Want to meet then?”
Once they had a booth and their sundaes in front of them, they could talk. “So, did Matt win the Dysart seal of approval?”
“Oh, absolutely. But remember, he knew my dad and at least one of my brothers. Apparently they’ve done business together over the years. We had a nice time.”
Peyton tilted her head and peered at Ginger. “Why do I sense something’s wrong?”