A Million Versions of Right (24 page)

Max broke my train of thought, waving the emptied bottle of woebegone. I followed him out, tripping several times. The dogs were still fast asleep and there was no sign of the tall, snotty man.

With the deed done, there was nothing else to do but wait.

Part 3: I really wish I’d never met Max

I stayed with Max, telling myself it was to help monitor the progress of the woebegone. A wall of bulky televisions relayed imagery from every corner of the District in flickering black and white. Max positioned himself directly in front of the cathode wall, jotting down notes like an inspired songwriter. I stayed to one side, watching Max watch everyone else.

Max had a list of tasks that I was responsible for. These felt like little crumbs he’d thrown my way to keep me occupied. I was like a child being given a bowl of dummy mixture to stir while my father made the real cake. I had to remove the dust accumulation on the televisions and periodically ensure the cable connections were secure, things like that. Things that didn’t really matter.

Newspapers littered the carpet, all brandishing melodramatic headlines about mass pregnancy scares and the population explosions that would result. This confused me. There weren’t enough women in the District for mass pregnancy to be of any real concern - at least I didn’t think there were enough women. It was my job to scour through the newspapers for new developments but it was a redundant task. The newspapers never said anything new and most of what they did say was clearly untrue. Instead I spent most of my time fondling phantom tits, willing them into existence and sulking when my will wasn’t met. 

Max hadn’t said a word to me in four days and I was beginning to feel like a girlfriend jilted for televised sports. I tried to gain his attention by acting up, much as you’d expect from an ignored child. I became increasingly flatulent and wafted the resulting smell toward him with desktop fans and doo-wop dance moves. He remained unresponsive. I soaked paper in pungent, early morning urine, folded them into limp planes and floated them in his direction. He merely batted them away with a nonchalant hand. I felt a tantrum swirling to life inside me. It began at my feet and worked its way up my body in an irritating scrape. It culminated around the scissors jutting from my forehead, throbbing like a heart attack.

I took a deep breath and let fly, “You bald fuck! Why are you ignoring me?” My arms were involuntarily flailing and my legs became kick-happy. Max didn’t appear to register the display so I stepped it up a notch. “You big bag of tits! You think you can just leave me sitting here and not say a word? I have needs too, you know! WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!” I tore my clothes off, hurling them at the wall of televisions – still no response.

“You selfish fuck!”

Without thinking I was releasing my bowels into cupped hands. I rolled my shit into fiendish projectiles and threw them with all my power at Max. Several balls hit the mark, exploding on impact and caking his bald head in a faecal wig.

Max finally turned around to face me. “Jack, what the devil are you doing?” He wiped his hand over his head and stared hard at his brown-stained fingers, bringing them to his nose and recoiling in disgust. “Jack, is this faecal matter? That’s terribly unpleasant. Why would you do such a thing? Are you crying?”

Sure enough, tears were streaming down my cheeks. Nothing could stop my penis from engorging, filling me with shame. “Look what you’ve made me do now, Max! You know what happens when I cry.”

Max was confused. “No, I don’t actually. What happens?”

I pointed toward my erection with shaking fingers. “THIS, MAX! THIS HAPPENS!!!”

“That’s an unusual reaction to tears. When did this start?”

He was interrogating me and it pissed me off. “That’s not the fucking point! It just happens okay. WHY HAVE YOU BEEN IGNORING ME?”

“Ignoring you? How old are you, Jack? Seven? I’ve got very important work to do and you know that. Do you understand the enormity of what’s been happening in the district? Take a look at the screens, Jack!” he demanded.

I did as he asked. As far as I could see, it was just the same old imagery replaying itself over and over.

“Do you notice anything?”

I shook my head in an exaggerated fashion.

“The women, Jack! Look at the women. Day by day more are arriving in the District. It’s as if they’ve been drawn to it.”

“So? What’s your point?” I asked before blowing a saliva-drenched raspberry.

Max rolled his eyes. “Why is it that a male dominated community is suddenly attracting so many women?”

I couldn’t tell if his question was rhetorical or if he was really asking, so I squeezed out a fart and yelled, “BECAUSE THEY IS ALL FAGS!!!”

He looked angry, like he wanted to punch the shit out of me. Instead he composed himself admirably and answered his own question.

“One can assume, Jack, that somehow women are finding out about the absence of menstruation within the District. News is filtering out and women are filing in. It’s really rather extraordinary.”

“BOOOOORRRRIIINNNGGGG” I chanted over and over.

Max slapped me on the fourth chant, which sent me toward the nearest corner where I cowered.

“You’ve really become quite impossible to communicate with!” he said through gritted teeth.

“I just want you to stop working and start paying attention to me,” I said from my corner, tugging absent-mindedly at my penis.

Max began walking toward me. “I become engrossed in my work to the point where nothing else exists. It’s only a temporary state. You’ll get me back soon enough.”

Max was clearly disturbed by my outburst. I wanted to suck it all back in and forget it ever happened but I couldn’t stop myself. Childishness kept pouring from my mouth. “But I want you back NOWWWW!!!”

“Jack, you’ve grown exceptionally emotional. I’m at once confused and intrigued. Can I ask, have you consumed any tap water since the woebegone application?”

I nodded in the affirmative.

* * * * *

I awoke the next morning to find Max sitting at the foot of my bed. He was staring at me intently and taking notes. The tears from the previous day had dried into eye husks that I picked at painfully.

“Ah good. You’re awake, Jack. How are you travelling this morning?”

I had the uncomfortable feeling that Max had been sitting there all night watching me sleep. I was beginning to feel like a guinea pig and it didn’t sit well.

“Sorry, Jack. I can give you a few minutes to find your bearings if you’d like?”

“Have you been watching me all night?”

“I most certainly have,” he said with happy nods.

“Can I ask why?”

“You most certainly can.”

We sat silently. I was filled with discomfort and Max wasn’t.

“Well? Are you gonna fucking tell me or what?”

“Of course, Jack.” He cleared his throat and rubbed his chin, which now had thick stubble breaking through. “I think that something rather unexpected has happened.”

“Like what?”

“Jack, would you mind terribly if I examined your penis?”

My ears pricked defensively. Words kept trying to form but died on my tongue prematurely. I really didn’t want Max feeling up my junk.

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just need to have a very quick – very professional – peep at your todger. I can assure you it’s for purely scientific reasons.”

I felt an embarrassing surge of homophobia washing all of my logic away. “If you think I’m letting you down there, you better give me a pretty fucking good explanation.”

“I think I may know what caused your little hissy fit last night. However, I can’t confirm this until you man up and show me your flippin’ cock.”

I could see the Max’s patience waning and I felt pathetic. He was a scientist. It wasn’t like he was getting his balls puffed up or anything. I capitulated and threw my blankets to one side. Max let out an exasperated thank you and carefully slid down my underpants, making train noises as he did.

He was down there for quite some time. I could feel his warm breath on my package and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a pleasing sensation. When he reappeared, concern was painted across his face like acne.

“It’s as I suspected, Jack. I think we have a problem.”

“What? What problem? What the fuck are you on about?” Those words pricked at me horribly.

“Perhaps you’d best take a look for yourself.” Max leant back and massaged his brow with a worried hand. I slowly sat up, focusing all my attention cockward. The tip of my penis was gushing woundless blood. It was sliding down my shaft and pooling below my balls. I gasped dramatically, the urge to faint looming.

“What the hell’s happening to me, Max? Why am I bleeding down there?”

“I can only offer a hypothesis,” he replied, sincerely apologetic.

“Well offer away!” I barked.

Max dribbled a few false starts and nervous rambles before attempting to get to the point. “Well you see, I hadn’t envisioned a scenario wherein woebegone would need trialling on males. It simply hadn’t occurred to me that it would be an issue. The woebegone was developed to target a specifically female biology. I may be wrong here Jack but it would appear that the presence of woebegone inside the body of a male is actually altering the biology.”

“What the fuck are you saying?”

“Jack… I think you may be menstruating.”

I passed out.

* * * * *

I fluttered back into consciousness some time later. It took a while for my surroundings to drift back into focus but when they did, I was alarmed to find myself strapped into what looked like a dentist chair. The fact I was naked with an endoscope stuffed up my dick was cause for significantly greater levels of alarm. Max was nowhere to be found and I felt like an abducted child. My instinctive reaction was to flail about wildly and fight my restraints. Each sharp movement caused the endoscope to snake about painfully. It wasn’t long before I capitulated and accepted my situation with pathetic whimpers. The erection that ensued redefined my own definition of pain. I could feel my urethra clamping itself tightly around the endoscope. I couldn’t tell if the ceaseless blood was due to my newfound menstruation or a bog standard laceration. Whatever the cause, it didn’t really matter. I was officially miserable in ways I hadn’t previously thought possible.

Max finally graced me with his presence about an hour or so into my ordeal. He looked calm and well rested. A large smile danced about his face that mocked me with its pure joy. Upon seeing me he threw his hands up in celebration. “Jack, you’re awake! How do you feel?”

“Is that supposed to be some fucking joke? How do you think I feel? What have you done to me, you bastard?”

Max clearly found my rage confronting. It was as if he couldn’t quite figure out why I was so pissed off. He even left a pause just in case I wanted to flash him a big ‘gotchya’ grin before admitting I was winding him up. Instead I kicked my rage up a notch and reiterated “IS THIS SOME FUCKING JOKE, MAX?”

“Calm down, Jack. I’m merely running a few tests. You want me to get to the bottom of this don’t you?”

“Merely running a few tests? You’ve shoved a camera up my cock. WITHOUT my permission!”

“You had passed out. I assumed permission was implied.”

I was the silent one now. I couldn’t believe he possessed the nerve to be so damn sure of himself. I wasn’t about to pass judgement on his abilities as a scientist but when it came to people he was a borderline sociopath.

“Can you maybe see why violating someone while they’re passed out isn’t the best course of action?”

He glanced at the endoscope and at once a wave of understanding crashed down around him. “Holly hell, Jack! I’m so sorry. Yes, you have yourself a pretty good point there. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve managed to confirm that you are indeed menstruating.”

It didn’t make me feel any better. It actually made me feel several times worse. “Are you sure it isn’t just the pill you gave me? It’ll pass, right?”

“No, it most certainly isn’t the pill. My pill doesn’t induce actual menstruation, just the symptoms. I find it exceedingly unlikely that it will pass.”