A Matter of Love in da Bronx (57 page)

--...and I you, Sam. Can we just...go away together somewhere and live? Others surely must have faced this dilemma? Even if they didn't, perhaps we should. Never to know more of one another than this profound love we share?

--Mary, let's do it, and die...?

--You mean...?

--Yes, the apartment is ours. Let's go inside. Let's have our love, doomed as it is, then, do what we must.

--Lust, Sam. We cannot respond just to lust.

The calamity of this sin has been scorched in our brains, it will not wash away. Let's go find another couple and fuck ourselves to death. At least, we can be forgiven Hell by pleading mercy at our demise.

--Could I ever hold another but you? No. T'is not to be, I'm afraid.

--Then what?

--The plain answer is too plain.

--I'm ready. I want nothing less than you.

--And I, nothing less than you. I'd like to see Sol first, before we take that journey. Mary, I don't know why or how this happened, but somewhere there is an answer, there is an explanation for the pain and sorrow this life has caused us. Forgive me for any harm or hurt I may have caused you. My selfish love is now untenable, but I love you still--as much, and as deeply as ever...even more.

--Sam. I'm sorry. When I first met you...now, older...I thought, how silly that my love should be so grandiose, so marvelous, so fantastic. An aging old girl from the Bronx doesn't expect such marvels. Perhaps if we were wealthy, or famous, or anything else, I could understand how lucky I was, we were. There would be reason for such a special thing to come our way. Perhaps because I felt this was a mistake did it not stay to us. Perhaps if I wished it remain, with proper supplication, just adoration, and felt entitled to it we would have it still. It was being so ordinary! that made the magnificence of it! That put it on such a high plane! That made our love so fantastic! We were carving foxfire. I can't help feeling, Sam, I can't help feeling as a beautiful instrument should play only beautiful music. I really felt we were entitled to our splendor! By what scale do I put myself above all mortals? I have done nothing to deserve such exquisite majesty. I'm proven right. I'm to be teased and taunted. such expectant elucidations denied! Oh! My Glory, Jesus Christ! Why am I not struck dead right now! In my heart I have with love lusted for you, Sam. I have committed the sin of sins! I have taken of the evil flesh, even now, knowingly. fuck you I will!

--Mary. Hold my hand. We can only do this together. If one of us weakens, we both deliver our souls to Hell. First, I must visit Sol. You must come with me. I'll go in and get the driver. The cabbie with the pith helmet will take us to the bridge of our hearts between here and the Gulf of Mexico. I am yours. Are you mine?

She would not answer, dispirited human being that she was, neither getting into or getting out of the cab and walking up the apartment stairs to the home of Sol Youchah. She told Sam she envied Sol with all her heart. When he asked the reason, she replied: --For all the time he's had with you.

--I'm glad Sol got back to meet you, and for me to say goodbye.

--Sam! You here! We could wait, yah! for the morningtime?

--No, Sol.

--And a girl! You girl, Sam? It is good, the first time you come to my home you come with what I wish for you most!

--Ah! So you are the devil that brought Mary to me!

--No, there is no curse that brings such good fortune! I can see she is good woman. If the Lord love you, he bring you good heart, and good helpmate. This woman is very best for you, Sam.

--We're leaving, Sol. I've come to say goodbye. I'm glad you came back so we can do that. You have always been very important to me.

--And you to me.

Sam shook his head, disappointed to learn so much so late.

--Well, it must end.

--As all things must. Then, it is good I come back from my trip. It is good you come here to my home. I have things for you here. While I get them, my dear, you make some tea, to make the night?

--A privilege, Sol. I know Sam loves you dearly.

--What? You like to see old men cry? Get you to the kitchenery!

As he shuffled back into the room carrying a pack of papers, Sol called out: --So? When we break the gless? He seemed to catch the cast to Sam's face at the question of marriage. Sam smiled weakly. No matter! She is a priceless! Sam, Mary is a maritza! I wait all these years for you to find you heart and soul. Here, business we do first. I like what you do to store. You take care. You have interest. Good. That is good. A little masonry work on front steps would be better. For upholsterer you are good painter! Now, here are papers, as you see, the store and all land in your name: Severio Scopia. You can see by date, I do that...maybe seven-ten year ago. Also, here is passbook for savings bank in you name. From the date, you can see from first week we be partner. That was day you come to work full-time. Every week, I put half net income from upholstery business in you name. Sorry I do like dot, but I am selfish man: I want Sam to have, no mother, no father, no brother, nobody else to have.
Verstehen Sie?
Also, from date yesterday, because I have no one else in world, I give you all I have, from business, from stamp, from coin, from rare book...everything, except ballilika I keep for company. Also, is to come insurances. I need only little bit for these last days.

Mary brought in the tea pot covered with a cozy, sugar, milk, lemon and tea cups.

Never once in my world I drink tea from cup in my home, but I start tonight! He smiled broadly. Happy. He stared at Sam and Mary. --Why do I feel a sadness? You two are happy, no? I see only happy for you two.

--Yes, yes, of course we are. I'm still in a state of shock about what you're telling me!

--Is it to be a secret?

--I just tell Sam he--you--have passbook here what hold... He held the book toward the light, then went to a small desk to take a magnifying glass to hold before his eyes. ...I say is almost four million dollar, earning I have keep for you, Sam, all these year, and what I not will need. To you both, a good life. Sam went slackjawed. Mary sat down. I esk one thing, Sam. When I die, you take my eshes--I have arrange--to Germany, where I arrange, too. I must be accompany there. That is you chore, yes?

--Yes, Sol, if...if...

--Vat is? Vat is?
Hat
sich was! Ge miener keld!

--...just the uncertainties of life, Sol. It will be my honor and privilege...if I survive you... And, Sol, we won't take the passbook, or the deed to the shop.

--Vat! Not take money! Is love make craziness? Vat is?

--First, we want to make it on our own. Besides, you may need whatever cash you have. When you don't need it, we'll take it. I insist. There will be no other way.

--Fine! I kip for you both. If you need, you esk. Send me address soon you know. You must take for wedding gift my Bela's rings, and envelope. My custom, if not nobody else. Sam, Mary, go with peace, God, and love with my blessing for long, happy life together in love.

Sam couldn't restrain himself. He ran to the old man, and grabbed him tightly to his chest. --Oh! Sol! Sol! I love you like a father!

--And vat you tink? I don't love you like a son? When they moved to the front door to leave, Sol held the knob, then put up his hand stopping them as he swung it open. You do not get avay so easy! I have quota! Five boys! Three girls! Minimum!

Then out in the cab, Sam put the rings in the envelope with the bills. He guessed they totaled around ten-thousand dollars. --We had to take this, but I'll ask the cabbie to return it to Sol...after.

--Where to, you two? the cabbie with the pith helmet asked. I hear on radio big fire on Morris Park, way up, that Eye-talian bakery? Right down to the ground. That fellow, Vito Cidrugli--know him?--lit out for Arkansas, someplace.

Mary turned quickly to Sam. Of course she wouldn't ask if he had anything to do with it. He gave his word.

Sam shook his head. He had promised. She would believe him. He was grateful, love also was trust.

--I hear he got some guy in the restaurant business mad at him. You know how hot the blood can run with those Eye-talians. Sam and Mary glanced at each other. Both nodded. So where do I take you on this lovely evening?

--I think maybe we'd like to see the city lights from the Verrazzano.

--To the bridge it is! The cab shot out, heading for the Hutchinson River Parkway. Mary, I'm so sorry it turned out this way. We have no alternative. Every day each of us would die in our own peculiar way. The worst thing in the world for children are parents. I have to think about that. Do I really want to let them be victorious over a love like ours?

--You know what I have to say Sam? Fuck!

--Yeah. Fuck.

Sam and Mary each moved to the furthest corners of the cab, the gap looming large between them. They kept their eyes on their hands, folded in their laps. Neither spoke for a long while. Then, she stared at him until she caught his eye. --Sam. I don't feel anything. I'm not afraid.

--Me neither. Isn't that strange? Like some anethesia is filling the cab.

--I used to wonder if dying would hurt. I find there's nothing to dying, it's the living that will kill you.

--They will say she kept her humor until the last. He moved his hand across the seat toward her. --Mary. I'm so sorry it turned out like this for you.

--What about for you?

--I never had much. Suppose I felt I didn't deserve much more. Now, even that is worthless. I am grateful, Mary, in the least, to have known what it is to have an overflowing heart, to know the joy that comes with love, to experience the majesty of life. To that end, it's unimportant that it came from a forbidden love. Neither you nor I knew that to start, innocents we were.

Her hand moved towards his. --If our parents were loving and loved us, would this have happened? Our falling so passionately in love?

Sam shook his head. --I don't know. But, I can think of how much richer our lives would've been to have known the love we might have had.

She squeezed his hand. --Sam? Isn't there anything we can do?

--Oh! Mary! We can't undo the years back to the moment of our births. We can't even undo the weeks back to the moment we met in Eden Farms. Even to do that just in my mind is impossible, to go back to that moment and learn to relove you? Impossible. Now, at this moment, I have such a passion to possess you, you excite me, you stir my soul, you make my juices flow, you make me feel alive as I had never known before in all my years put together.

--And I for you! My heart races with a madness. My entire being screams to feel your passion. I see you as the source of my source yet my soul clamors it be completed with yours. She turned to him, quickly, reaching.

Her hand found him huge, and hard, and demanding.

He strained against her, as she clutched him the harder. --No! Stop! I will die of a stroke right here and now knowing how badly I want you, and knowing how bad I cannot!

--Sam! I can't help it! What the gods demand of me is too much. I can't help it! You must kiss me! Kiss me but kiss me, please!

--If we kiss, I shall find an insanity from which I shall not recover. It will be a nightmare of dissatisfaction, incompletion, scourging occurring every moment over and over again! What is happening to us is such a mystery to me. I don't understand how this can be.

--Something I suppose we'll discover in the next world.

They pulled up at the Whitestone Bridge toll plaza. Sam told the cabbie to go through the booth, then park off to the side.

--We can rationalize ourselves into Hell by saying we can wait for the next bridge, then the next, and the next... This one is as good as any.

--Yes.

--Mary... His voice caught, heavy with emotion.

--You don't have to ask, to be sure. This is no frivolous romance to me. Yes, I'm sure I want to do this. Perhaps...

--Yes, I'm sure, anticipating her question. Then, Mary, would you like to go for a walk, up there, where we can see the lights, hear the world, and touch the sky?

--Yes, I do think that would be nice.

Sam opened the door, then turned back to her. He shot into her arms, his hand reaching out savagely to tear open her blouse, her bra to let her beautifully curved and full bossom free. He moved swiftly to take her teat into his mouth, drawing it in hard, making Mary gasp as she threw back her head. With both hands about him, she strained to pull him closer.

--Sam! God will strike us dead! Oh! My dearest! Stop! Stop!

In the rear view mirrow, there showed the cab driver's face, smiling.

Mary took his tear stained face between her hands to move him away. --Sam, my darling, one kiss! Just one, short, brief kiss, then, take me for our walk...

Sam moved to arrange her blouse. He reached to put his arm around her, her hand to his head.

The kiss was to be soft. The kiss was to be warm. The kiss was to be sisterly, brotherly. Instead, the kiss held them, and hurtled them through space. It was sensual, and heated, and demanding. There was no past. There was no future. There was only the kiss. With it, it removed all hope from their heart that there was some way their love could survive without their dying. When they finally tore themselves one from the other, pleading with their eyes, their hands, their hearts, for one more moment of bliss, the passion drained from their faces, replaced with the understanding that comes of acceptance, then, with a smile for the joy of their neverending love.

It made it easier for each of them, and for the other, to start the journey up the bridge.

Hand in hand, they began the ascent. Shortly after they started Sam stopped to look back. --Mary, can you believe? The cabbie's waiting for us.

--Do you think he knows something?

--Or, maybe, he doesn't know anything.

They continued on. Neither tried to speak.

Jesus! Sam! How does it happen the world is so crazy? I think of all the lives squandered because of some collossal madness, some politicalworthlessness by some crazy arrogant bastard whose mother was first fucked by a loco horse, like the Khomeni. Like every consummately ignorant asshole terrorist. The Sikhs killing Hindus. The Russians the Afghanistans. The Chinese the Chinese. All over the world, brothers killing brothers for no good fucking reason, just to kill. And how the others die! The earthquake in Mexico. The deadstarved Abyssinians. There should be something different, shouldn't there? There should be something else going on in this world. We're going to die. I don't want to die. I don't want Mary to die. Until tonight, we had the best part of a glorious world, and, now, we're nothing more than something that has come, and gone. No more reason to our living and to our dying than a mere coming and a going. How is it with all the wrong and wrongs in the world, our biggest indictment is that we fell in love. And how cruel, to give us the length and breadth of the universe to enjoy it, then, at the last possible moment of moments to snatch it from us! If I let myself go I'd feel anger and hate. I'd lash out first at my parents for letting this happen! How rotten for them to think they can direct my life, to keep it under their control by hiding the truth. I could fill my heart and scream my hate for them, but not for this moment. I want to carry it full of love for my Mary. God! What must she be thinking! How awful that a mere circumstance, a second's worth, deprives her of her whole and entire life. It's her decision, as it is mine. No. I wouldn't do or change anything. I wonder if there is a life after this? Would there be some way there that Mary and I could be...lovers? I've got to believe that. What a waste. What a terrible waste. Suppose we were never found? Suppose we were just swallowed up? It's true, it wouldn't mean a thing to any other soul on earth. I think, though, it's got to affect someone, some strangers, because our love will be in the atmosphere. It must alight in other hearts. It must. I believe that. Love is endless, and continues on and on. As someone's love came to us, our love to go on, too. Oh! Jesus! Couldn't you have thought of another way? No matter what, it's got to be terrifying...going down all that way. I wonder what it's like? How does it happen? If the brain stays alive for three minutes, does it go on thinking? And what does one think of? I want to think of Mary. I don't want to think of sadness, of crying. I hope I don't think of how awful we do this. I hope I think of all the music and art and beauty. And how wonderful a gift is life. That in all it's splendor, I, we have found love, so deep, so true, so magnificent. No, there is no other way that we can go through that door simultaneously. No way that there could be some fluke, and only one of us to go. God! Lord! What a disaster! No. We shall be together from this moment on always. I will keep her name in my mind. I will say it and say it until I can say it no more... Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary... Your father has sworn a vendetta to kill me. He almost did. He is so crazed he wants revenge on you, too. He will hunt us down. We are in a room with no exit.