When Joe's car pulled into the lane behind her, Sharon's first reaction was to stop and talk to him. But what could she say to undo the damage she'd already done?
Why was he following her? Just a coincidence?
Sharon decided to keep driving and see if he passed. He didn't. She checked the rearview mirror every few minutes, comforted by his presence, even though she was puzzled.
During the long drive, she practiced several speeches for Joe, but each one fell flat. Could she ever make him understand the fears that had taken her to that doctor's office?
They were nearing Hollow Bend, and Sharon wondered if he would follow her all the way home. She nearly cried out with disappointment when he turned down the street to his apartment. The whole way back, Sharon had suffered over whether to try again to talk to Joe, but she couldn't forget the image of his face when he realized what she was considering.
She'd have to give him time, then maybe he'd listen to her eventually...someday.
As each day passed, Sharon grew more determined to carry her baby, no matter what the consequences. She even caught herself humming lullabies as she folded laundry or washed dishes.
"What's with Mom?" she heard Luke ask David one evening.
"I don't know, but don't get her upset."
It was especially difficult keeping her secret from Paula, though eventually everyone would know, of course.
Joe avoided her at school, which made Sharon ache for the sight of him even more. Then one night, she answered a knock at the door, and there he stood.
Sharon simply stared at him, loving the cut of his dark hair, the way his lashes shadowed his eyes, the long crease in his right cheek that deepened when he smiled. She couldn't believe he was actually standing there.
"Can I talk to you? On the porch?" He stepped back, inviting her, his deep voice slicing through the darkness. He held his mouth in a straight line as if he couldn't afford to reveal any trace of emotion.
Sharon nodded and called over her shoulder. "Joe's here, boys. I'll be outside." Her voice shook as did her hands when she closed the door.
Joe motioned for Sharon to sit on the swing with him. As she sank onto the seat, he squeezed in beside her, their bodies touching.
Sharon waited, holding her breath, to hear what he had to say. His expression, lost and unhappy, frightened her.
They were both silent for several minutes as Joe clenched and unclenched his fists, his head bowed. Sharon wondered if he couldn't stand to look at her. She longed to knead the knotted muscles in the back of his neck until he melted into her, forgiving the past.
As she gazed at his strong profile, he finally spoke.
"How are you feeling?"
"Better. The morning sickness isn't quite so bad." Her voice still shook, so she took several deep breaths.
"If you'll keep the baby, I'll help you. You won't have to do it alone." Joe hadn't looked at her yet, but stared out into the night.
She thought about what he said and wished there were more words, words of love and promises and commitment. "I've been wanting to tell you how sorry I am that I even considered..." She twisted her fingers in her lap. "I know now I'd never have done it, Joe. You don't have to worry, and you can see the baby anytime."
Sharon had to stifle a sob as her dreams of their being together slipped away. In a way, she was almost glad that she didn't have to worry about him feeling forced into marriage. She was a little surprised he hadn't at least offered.
Wishful thinking again, she told herself.
"Are you still leaving in June?"
"I don't know," he said, very subdued. "I'm just not sure of anything right now."
She stood suddenly. "Look, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. I'm having the baby. You don't have to feel the least bit responsible."
He stood then, too. "I
am
responsible. You didn't get pregnant by yourself." He took her shoulders. "Stop being so prickly as if your newfound independence is being stolen from you. We'll work something out."
Sharon blinked rapidly as she felt tears gathering. She didn't way to cry in front of him. At that moment, she knew she loved him enough to release him. She'd done nothing but hurt him throughout their entire relationship.
This was her chance to repay his kindness.
"I'm going to be fine, Joe. You do what you have to do, even if it means leaving." She couldn't look at him as she said it. He'd see the pleading in her eyes. She reached out to touch him, but he pulled away.
Oh Joe, she cried inside. I'm so sorry...for all that I've put you through in such a short time.
Joe nodded, a portrait of defeat. He turned and went down the steps and out to his car.
Sharon watched him drive off the property and wondered whether she was really brave or just plain stupid. Giving him a way out had seemed the kind thing to do, but it left her feeling as if she'd dived into a pit of despair. She thought she was being unselfish, but she'd probably succeeded in hurting him once again.
Perhaps after she had the baby, she'd write to him, and they could start over. Then she'd know it was real, though it was doubtful she knew how to recognize the signs anymore.
Sharon didn't realize how long she'd sat outside until Luke opened the door.
"Mom?"
"I'm here, honey."
"Where's Joe?"
"Gone." For all intents and purposes, he was indeed gone from their lives. Slowly, she eased off the swing and followed
Luke inside.
Joe didn't know what he'd expected, maybe for Sharon to throw herself into his arms and pledge her undying love. Instead, she'd treated him like she always had, as a friend. He could no longer sense her thoughts, so he was at a loss.
He might as well tell Serena he didn't want to remain a man. She had a right to know, keeping the universe in order and all that. He supposed he could be one of those part-time fathers, but his love was too deep, too painful for him to keep it hidden. Yes, it was best for all concerned if he'd agree to plunge headlong into another mission.
Three days later, Sharon was going upstairs with a pile of laundry when a sharp stabbing pain swept across her abdomen. Grabbing her sides, she dropped the clothes and sat on a step.
As she breathed deeply and slowly, the pain gradually subsided, only to be replaced moments later by a stronger one.
This time she cried out, but there was no one to hear.
When Sharon felt the sticky wetness running down her leg, she knew she had to make it to the bathroom. She began to crawl up the stairs, pausing each time the cramping grew too intense, praying the inevitable would not happen. Finally, she reached her destination.
That afternoon, as she laid on her bed in shock, Sharon faced another great sorrow. She'd lost Joe's baby, almost as if she'd willed it because she hadn't wanted it at first.
This must be her punishment, when that infinitesimal life had become so precious to her. Her only remaining link to the man she loved.
She forced herself to think. Sharon knew from past experience that she'd had a complete miscarriage with no hemhorraging so far, but she should see a doctor and couldn't risk the trip to another town. It would have to be Doc Hanson, one of her father's old friends. Even though she hadn't wanted to go to him to find out if she was pregnant, Sharon did trust him.
She started to call Paula, then remembered she was working today. She'd have to get there on her own, unwilling to ask anyone else. Slowly, carefully, she made her way downstairs and out to the car, her body aching with every movement.
In the meantime, she wouldn't allow herself to think about the full reality of what had just happened to her.
Two hours later, Sharon was back home in bed. She'd told her sons she wasn't feeling well and to order pizza. That didn't upset them too much, and she could hear them entertaining friends.
Now that Sharon had to face what had happened, she couldn't stop crying. It would have been a beautiful baby, she was sure of it. She experienced an intense longing to hold the child she'd lost and squeezed her eyes tight. Oh God, why?
I would have loved it, cared for it. I couldn't help how I felt in the beginning; I was so scared.
"How will I tell Joe?" she moaned, realizing she'd still held a shred of hope the baby would bring them together someday.
This much was true, though, he did have a right to know as soon as possible.
As she imagined telling him, Sharon cried again. It was as if she'd been trying to hold her tears in for so long, she had no control.
David knocked and asked, "Mom, are you all right?"
Sharon cleared her throat and hoped her voice sounded fairly normal. "I'm fine, hon."
"Can I bring you anything?"
Only if you can bring Joe and my baby back, she thought. "No, son, but thank you. I'll see you in the morning." She simply couldn't face her boys tonight.
Doc Hanson had said she'd feel fine in a few days with no further treatment than rest and iron tablets, and he hadn't asked a single question about how she'd become pregnant. He'd only looked at her with his kind eyes and heart.
Her stomach muscles were sore, but the cramping pains had subsided. For that, she was grateful.
Willing herself to relax, Sharon was determined to be up and about soon. Then she was going to Joe.
It took several days before Sharon felt strong enough to go back to work, but Esther had been understanding, as always. What would Esther think if she knew what had really kept me home, Sharon wondered?
She realized that a person as kind as Esther would have grieved with her, not judged her. Why had she always been so afraid of what people would think?
David and Luke were obviously thrilled to find their mother feeling better. Sharon knew it had been hard on them, especially with her mood swings. Every time she'd think of Joe's baby, her eyes would grow moist, and she'd have to get away by herself. There was no way should explain her emotions to two teenaged boys.
Sharon didn't run into Joe at school, but waited in the parking lot one afternoon for him to come out. Finally, she saw him. He was alone, something she hadn't expected, but was counting on.
She got out of her car, but Joe either didn't see her or pretended not to. He'd driven away before she'd reached him.
Sharon let her arms fall to her sides, feeling lost. Taking a deep breath, she told herself she was not helpless. She was going to talk to him, no matter what.
Sharon headed down Main Street toward Joe's apartment and hoped he'd been going straight home. When she turned the corner, his red sportscar was pulling into his reserved spot.
She parked alongside him and methodically tucked her keys in her purse, delaying the moment when she'd have to look into his accusing eyes. He hadn't left his car.
Slowly, she turned her head. Joe was staring at her with an expression she couldn't read.
She didn't move. When Joe slid out of his car, she held her breath. His jaw was set in a grim line. Oh Joe, what I'd give to see you smile at me again, just once.
Instead of coming toward her, he turned and headed up the stairs to his apartment. Sharon's spirits plummeted. He can't even bear to talk to me, she thought.
Trembling, she wished for the first time that she smoked. She needed something to calm her shattered nerves.
Sharon sat for a long time, trying to think what to do, then she opened the door and got out. He had to see her. As far as he knew, she was still carrying his child.
As she climbed the steps, Sharon willed herself to go on. Don't think, she kept repeating inside, just act. When she reached the door, she knocked lightly, then louder.
Please, Joe, don't turn me away.