A Man She Couldn’t Forget (18 page)

“I can’t believe this. It sounds so final.”

“Because it is.”

Quietly, Brady let himself out of the condo. Once in the hall, he leaned against the door and closed his eyes. Somewhere in his heart, he’d been hoping she’d make a different decision. When he’d told her their professional and personal lives would be over, he’d been praying she’d choose him, right now, on the spot. But she hadn’t. Her wavering was the same thing she’d done before. And he meant what he said—he was pretty sure things would go down the way they had then, too.

This time, he wouldn’t stick around for it. Watch it happen, as he’d told her. He’d done what was best for Clare—and for himself, given the circumstances—and it was time to get on with his life without Clarissa Boneli in it.

O
N
M
ONDAY MORNING
,
BEFORE
her appointment with Anna, Clare pulled up to the curb at the RockfordAirport and looked over at Cathy. “You sure you don’t want me to come in?”

“Of course not. You can’t go through security and wait with me, so it’s stupid to park the car.” She reached over to grab Clare’s hand. “You look so sad. I hate to leave. But I’ve got commitments.”

“I know. It’s okay. I have to stand on my own sometime.” Without Cathy, without Brady. Now that Clare had her memory back, she knew how much she’d depended on him in the past.

“Listen, Cath, I want to say one thing, before you go. I’m sorry for drifting away from you. I’m never,
ever
going to do that again, no matter what happens. I promise.”

Cathy smiled. “It’s in the past. We’re making a new start.”

“I know. I love you.”

Cathy kissed her cheek. “I love you, too.”

Again, with a heavy heart, Clare watched her sister go into the airport terminal. She sat there, staring after Cathy until a horn beeped behind the car. She pulled out of the space and drove downtown to Anna’s office. In some ways she was looking forward to the session, hoping for more clarity, and in some ways she was dreading it.

After Clare recounted the return of her memory and what she’d learned about that horrid night, Anna was matter-of-fact. “Let’s take this one step at a time. First, I’m glad you got most of your memory back. But you really don’t remember everything about that night. You said so yourself that not all the pieces fit together. After you told Jonathan what happened with Brady, there are still some blanks. You don’t remember leaving his house or the accident?”

“That’s right. But he told me what happened.”

“Which you should recall, and you don’t. Second, I’m not clear on what actually sent you running out into the night.”

“Jonathan says it was my guilt. For betraying him.”

“But we don’t know that for sure and won’t until all of it comes back to you.”

“So you think there’s more?”

“My gut tells me there might be. I haven’t wanted to push you too hard, so I haven’t brought this up before, but there’s another possibility and I think we should get it out in the open. Could it be that, after you told Jonathan what happened with Brady, he forced some intimacy on you?”

“I don’t know what you mean. He held me, I remember crying in his arms but…Oh, God, do you mean did we…No, oh, Lord, I can’t believe I’d do that.” She felt the worst bout of panic she’d had yet well up inside her and push against her chest. “I couldn’t have been with another man that same night. I wouldn’t do that, Anna. Not even as the Clare I became.”

“Calm down. I don’t mean that I think you did. It’s just that I’ve considered this as a possible reason that your memory is blocked. Also, Cathy called me before she left. She said she and Brady discussed the same thing but were afraid to bring it up.”

“She and Brady discussed
this?
” Her heart pounded. Her hands felt clammy. “Brady thinks I did this? No wonder he was so upset.”

“He thinks it’s a possibility. Everybody’s just worried that this could be the traumatic event that caused your amnesia.”

Taking deep breaths, Clare forced herself to calm down and began to think more clearly. “It’s not a possibility. I wouldn’t have done that.”

“Even if he coerced you.”

“
He
wouldn’t have done that. Jonathan loves me, Anna. He wouldn’t do something so terrible to me.”

“A man faced with losing the woman he loves often acts out of character.”

“No, I don’t believe it.”

“Then we’re still in the dark about the rest.”

“If there is more.” Clare was thoughtful. “You said sometimes people don’t get all their memories back. Maybe I’ll never know if there was more.”

“Or maybe you’ll make life-altering decisions without knowing what really happened, and then the past will come back to bite you in the butt when you least expect it.”

“Anna,
I’m
not making these decisions. Brady is. He left the last of the drawings at my door yesterday. I’ll be finishing the book myself.”

“Did you try to talk to him again?”

“Of course. I went right over to his place. He answered the door, but wouldn’t let me in.” She told the counselor what had happened.

“Y
OU GOT THE DRAWINGS
?”

“Yes. I found them just now.”

“Good. What do you want?”

“I can’t let things end like this. I won’t.”

He drew in a deep breath. “Clare, baby, if you care anything at all about me, then you’ll accept my decision. It’s the decent thing to do. I can’t prevent you from having what you’ve dreamed of all your life. And maybe you and Harris belong together. You care about him.”

She wanted to lie. But she couldn’t. “I remember caring about Jonathan. But I love you, Brady.”

“Not enough to choose me. Right now. Please, Clare, go. Please…”

W
HEN SHE FINISHED THE STORY
, Anna said simply, “That makes
me
sad. What are you going to do?”

“Nothing, I guess. I do care enough about him to let him go.”

“And he cares enough about you to let you go. What’s wrong with this picture, Clare?”

She shook her head.

“All right, time’s almost up. I want to say two more things. I suggest you don’t do anything about the TV show until I see you again.” She checked her calendar. “How about on Wednesday?”

They set a time.

“What else?” Clare asked.

“As I said before, I’m not really into dream symbolism as a method of treating patients, but your New York dream, it’s fraught with metaphor.”

“I thought it was a mixture of reality and fantasy.” She told Anna about the adjoining doors and the green theme in
Wicked.

“It is reality and fantasy—maybe fear, too—colliding. In classic dream interpretation, the alligator is a sign of an aggressor, the locked door indicative of something you don’t want to remember, and the green—that you were bathed in—a need for harmony.”

“You’re not telling me Jonathan was the alligator.”

“No, Clare, I believe
you
just told
me
that.”

A
T NOON ON
M
ONDAY, MAX
and Delia came barging through Brady’s door like a posse looking for its prey. Max’s face was tight with anger, and Delia looked as if she’d been crying.

“What the hell is this?” Max asked, holding up the wooden sign.

Brady sighed. Where was he going to get the energy to deal with them? “Exactly what it looks like. I was planning to tell you as soon as you got back. I didn’t know the real estate agent had put that up already.”

Grasping his arm, Delia held on tight. “Brady, please, you can’t sell your condo.”

“I have to.”

Max threw the sign down on the floor. “It’s because of Clare, isn’t it?”

He knew it would cause World War Three, but Brady was done lying, covering up, fooling them as well as himself. “Yes.”

Delia turned to Max. “Clare has her memory back.”

Max had just returned from his trip the night before. “Then all this makes sense.” He began to pace. “Obviously, she’s turned into the selfish bitch she was before she got amnesia. I knew she would.”

“That’s not true. She seems to be a little of both the old and new Clare.” Delia pointed to the sign on the floor. “Brady, what happened to precipitate this? The day before she went to New York, the day Donny came home, you two were closer than I’d seen you in a long time.”

He blew out a heavy breath. “Sit down, there are some things I’ve been keeping from you.”

They sat as they had a thousand times on his stuffed couches, and he related the whole sordid story, only leaving out intimate details. The events infuriated Max further, and Delia started to cry again.

“He’s won,” Brady said. “He’s got her back.”

“And she just took the damn deal in New York? Leaving you behind?” Max shook his head. “I was right all along, she doesn’t deserve you.”

“No, she hasn’t taken it. She says she won’t, because of me.”

Delia nodded knowingly. “And you can’t live with that?”

“No, I can’t deprive her of her lifelong dream. Nor can I live here and watch her and Jonathan get together like they did the last time. It’s why I’m selling this place. I’m going to New York to live for a while. My agent’s thrilled.”

Max’s black eyes flamed. “What about us?”

“I’m sorry, Max. I just don’t know how else to get through this.”

“All I can say is she better move out, too. I won’t stay if she does.”

“She will. Harris had a house picked out for them before the accident.”

Delia hugged Brady. “It seems so unfair. Like a tease. We had a chance to get her back, and now it’s gone. I know it’s worse for you.”

“I’ll live. And, Dee, I’ll talk to Donny when he gets back from his friend’s house today. I’ll see him at least once a month. I’d stay for him if I could, but I just can’t.”

“Are you going to wait until this place sells?” Max asked.

“No, I’ve got a flight out tonight to New York. I’ll be at Charlie’s place.” Where the four of them had always stayed in the past, where they had a history. “But I want my whereabouts kept from Clare.”

“I can’t believe this, bro.”

Brady shrugged. “Me, either.”

C
LARE WALKED AROUND DOWNTOWN
for an hour after her appointment with Anna. She had so much to think about, primarily the fact that she might not be remembering everything. But nothing came to her; there was absolutely no recollection of anything else that might have happened that night.

She remained resolute, though, that Anna—and Cathy and Brady, for God’s sake—were wrong. Jonathan wouldn’t have forced her or shamed her into any kind of intimacy. In her heart, she knew that. But as she walked and window-shopped, ate lunch and sat in the park, she kept thinking about Anna’s assertion that something was missing.

As Clare herself had suggested, though, maybe she would never remember.

By the end of the afternoon, she’d come to a few conclusions.

Despite Brady’s protest, she wasn’t going to take the Cooking Channel deal. She wouldn’t sell her proverbial soul to the proverbial devil for success. She knew she could never do that to Brady.

She loved him. Really, truly loved him.

Yet, she cared about Jonathan, too, though not in the same way. And until she figured out what was what, and maybe remembered the rest of that night, she’d take her time and let Anna help her. As the counselor had suggested, she was sticking to her guns and not making any commitment or changes in her life.

At about five, she felt good enough to go back home. She’d be honest—she’d tell Brady and Jonathan the conclusions she’d come to. She’d convince them both to give her time. If they really loved her, they’d do what she asked.

“W
HAT CAN
I
DO FOR YOU
, Langston?” Harris had been shocked when Brady had called and asked to see him. Brady could hear it in his voice. He’d tried to put Brady off, but when he’d told Harris he was leaving town tonight, the guy had acquiesced. Which had brought him to Harris’s office to do one last thing.

“I need to say a few things,” Brady told him, sticking his hands into his jeans because he was nervous. “And I have a question.”

Dressed in a great-looking suit, Harris sat down in a chair and indicated Brady should take the couch. “Shoot.”

Brady sat. “The question first.” Man, this was hard. But he had to know some things before he left. “Clare remembers coming to your house that night.”

“And which night would that be? The night you seduced her?”

“I…I’m sorry we did that to you.” He was, really. “It was wrong.”

“You’re damn right it was wrong.”

“I want to know what happened after she told you about us.”

“Why would I tell you this, if Clare didn’t?”

“She did tell me. What she remembers of it. But I need to know before I leave town if you did something that might make her lose her memory.”

The guy looked guilty. Damn, was it true, then?

But Harris said only, “What are you getting at?”

“Did you insist she sleep with you? To prove she was sorry for being with me, like she said she was?”

Leaping out of the chair, Harris lunged at Brady. He grabbed him by the collar, dragged him up and got in his face. “You son of a bitch. I love her. I’d never do something like that to her.”

Brady let out a heavy breath. There was no way Harris’s reaction was faked. It eased the fist around his heart. “That,” he said, shrugging off the guy’s hold, “makes what I’m doing a lot easier.”

Harris backed up a step and straightened his suit, obviously trying to calm himself. “What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving town.”

“So you said.”

“For good. Clare’s still confused, but I don’t think she’ll take the Cooking Channel deal if I’m in the picture.”

“That would be my guess. So you’re bowing out?”

Brady nodded.

“Why?”

“Because I love her as much as you do.” Brady swallowed hard, his throat convulsing. He loved her more, he was sure, but he didn’t need another ruckus.