92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (35 page)

Eight o’clock rolls around and no friend. Well, I figure, I’ll open the wine and let it breathe. Another hour passes and no Charles. The cuckoo calls me “cuckoo” nine times now. I begin to believe the bird. It is evident Charles isn’t coming. I have been stood up.

The next day Charles called with halfhearted apologies and a semiplausible excuse. His car broke down. “Gee, I’m sorry,” I said. (I wanted to say, “Did Martians capture you? Were you transported to another planet where there were no phones to call me?”

I resisted the sarcasm.) However, he did sound contrite so I was almost willing to forget it. Until his next question.

He obviously wasn’t aware of how he’d slipped in The Great Scorecard in the Sky because, instead of inviting me for linguine with pesto at a fine Italian restaurant to make up for his blooper, he asked, “When can we reschedule at your house?”

Never, Charlie.

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Technique #92

The Gre at Scorec ard in the Sky

Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering

above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate,

but one rule remains: player with lower score pays

deference to player with higher score. The penalty for

not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the

Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.

Your Destiny

We’ve met many people in
How to Talk to Anyone
. A few of their names are changed, but each is very real. Recently, I decided to track down some of the folks with whom I’d crossed paths over the years. I wanted to see what they’re up to now.

Laura, my old friend who dreamed of milkshake millions but ignored the Supermarket Czar’s scorecard, is now back at her day job. Sam, who ruffled me by not revealing he wanted me to speak for his organization, no longer has one. Sonny, who hounded his brother-in-law’s cousin by a too-quick call, is still pumping gas. Tania, who insisted on immediate tit for tat, no longer has that terrific job at the talent agency. Poor Jane, the mail-room clerk who confronted her boss at the Christmas party five years ago, is still wrapping packages. And Dan, who left the prolonged inspirational message on his phone, now has an unlisted number—not a good sign for an aspiring speaker.

Whereas Barry who asks everyone he calls, “What Color Is Your Time?” was recently chosen Broadcaster of the Year by the National Association of Talk Show Hosts. Joe, who keeps note of everyone on his Business Card Dossier, is now a state senator. 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 340

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How to Talk to Anyone

Jimmi, the expert at Eyeball Selling, was recently written up in
Success
magazine. Steve, whose staff insinuates “Oh Wow, It’s You!”

to every caller, is one of the most requested speakers on the cable circuit. Tim, the can-do guy who gets what he wants from workers in every industry by writing Buttercups for Their Boss, now owns the travel agency. And Gloria, my hairdresser who gives the great Nutshell Résumé, recently opened a salon on New York’s fashionable Fifth Avenue.

Does this mean to say that just because the first folks irked me and a few others they were exiled to a humdrum existence?

And the latter group who made people smile would attain great heights? Of course not. Those isolated moments of their lives we examined were but one move of many they made each day.

But consider: if you had been who was ruffled by Laura, Sam, Sonny, Tania, Jane, or Dan and they called you, would you feel like extending yourself for them? Probably not. The memory of their ragged dealing would still smart.

Whereas if you heard from Barry, Joe, Jimmi, Steve, Tim, or Gloria, happy memories of your exchange would flood over you. You’d want to do whatever you could for them.

Multiply your response by many thousands. As we said in the introduction, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, the smooth moves of these big winners have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of people who helped boost them rung by rung to the top of whatever ladder they chose. How does one become an instinctive smooth mover rather

than a ragged rider through life? The answer became blindingly clear one snowy day last winter. Lumbering along a neatly groomed track on cross-country skis, I spotted a Nordic skier swiftly striding toward me in the same trail. I didn’t need to observe his high kick or his snazzy diagonal poling to let me know I was obstructing the path of a pro.

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While mustering the energy to lug my throbbing legs out of the track so Super Skier could soar past, he deftly sidestepped out of the groove, leaving the groomed trail all for me. As he whizzed toward me, he slowed slightly, smiled, nodded, and said, “Good morning, beautiful day for skiing, isn’t it?”

I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were equals on the snow!). I knew he was not thinking “Hey look at me. Here I am!” but “Ahh, there you are. Let me make room for you.”

As I implied in the opening words of this book, the difference in the life success between those two types of thinkers is incalculable.

Why was Super Skier able to pull off his move so gracefully?

Was he born with the skill? No. His was a deliberate move that grew out of practice.

Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves. Excellence is not a single and solitary action. It is the outcome of many years of making small smooth moves, tiny ones like the ninety-two little tricks we’ve explored in
How to Talk to
Anyone
. These moves create your destiny.

Remember, repeating an action makes a habit.

Your habits create your character.

And your character is your destiny.

May success be your destiny.

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✰ Notes

1. Ekman, Paul. 1985.
Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Mar-
ketplace, Politics, and Marriage.
New York: W. W. Norton Co., Inc. 2. Cheng, Sha, et al. 1990. “Effects of Personality Type on Stress Response.” Acta-Psychologica-Sinica 22(2):197–204. 3. Carnegie, Dale. 1936.
How to Win Friends and Influence Peo-
ple.
New York: Simon & Schuster.

4. Goleman, Daniel. 1989. “Brain’s Design Emerges as a Key to Emotions,” quoting Dr. Joseph LeDoux, psychologist at Center for Neural Science at New York University.
New York Times
, August 15.

5. Kellerman, Joan, et al. 1989. “Looking and Loving: The Effects of Mutual Gaze on Feelings of Romantic Love.” Conducted at the Agoraphobia Treatment & Research Center of New England.
Journal of Research in Personality
23(2):145–161. 6. Argyle, Michael. 1967.
The Psychology of Interpersonal
Behavior.
Baltimore: Pelican Publications.

7. Wellens, A. Rodney. 1987. “Heart-Rate Changes in Response to Shifts in Interpersonal Gaze from Liked and Disliked Others.”
Perceptual and Motor Skills
64(2):595–598. 8. Ibid.

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Notes

9. Zig Ziglar, motivational teacher and author of the bestselling books
See You at the Top
,
Secrets of Closing the Sale
,
Over
the Top
, and
Something to Smile About
.

10. Curtis, Rebecca C., and Miller, Kim. 1986. “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors Making the Beliefs Come True.”
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
51(2):284–290. 11. Hayakawa, S. I. 1941.
Language in Thought and Action
. New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich.

12. Aronson, E., et al. 1966. “The Effect of a Pratfall on Increasing Interpersonal Attractiveness.”
Psychonomic Science
4:227–228.

13. Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching and Carnegie Institute of Technology studies in the 1930s showing that 85 percent of one’s financial success, even in technical fields such as engineering, is due to communications skills. 14. U.S. Census Bureau of Hiring, Training, and Management Practices conducted a survey of 3,000 employers nationwide. The preferred qualities in job candidates were, rated in order of importance, attitude, communications skills, previous work experience, recommendations from current employer, recommendations from previous employer, industry-based credentials, years of schooling completed, score on interview tests, academic performance (grades), reputation of applicant’s school, teacher recommendations.

15. Walsh, Debra G., and Hewitt, Jay. 1985. “Giving Men the Come-On: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.”
Perceptual and Motor Skills
61(3, Part 1): 873–874. 16. Walters, Lilly. 1995.
What to Say When You’re Dying on the
Platform.
New York: McGraw-Hill.

17. Axtell, Roger. 1994.
Do’s and Taboos Around the World.
New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

18. Bosrock, Mary. 1997. Put Your Best Foot Forward series. Minneapolis: International Education Systems.

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19. Nwanna, Gladson. 1998. Do’s and Don’ts Around the World series. Baltimore: World Travel Institute.

20. Byrne, Donn, et al. 1970. “Continuity Between the Experimental Study of Attraction and Real-Life Computer Dating.”

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
1:157–165. 21. Fast, Julius. 1970.
Body Language.
New York: Simon & Schuster.

22. Fast, Julius. 1991.
Subtext: Making Body Language Work in
the Workplace.
New York: Viking.

23. Lewis, David. 1989.
The Secret Language of Success.
New York: Carroll & Graf Publishers, Inc.

24. Nierenberg, Gerard, and Caliero, Henry. 1993.
How to
Read a Person Like a Book.
New York: Barnes & Noble Books. 25. Pease, Allan. 1981. Signals:
How to Use Body Language for
Power, Success and Love.
New York: Bantam Books. 26. Sannito, Thomas, and McGovern, Peter J., 1985.
Court-
room Psychology for Trial Lawyers.
New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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11 (347-348B) about the author 8/14/03 9:20 AM Page 347

✰ About the Author

Leil Lowndes is an internationally acclaimed communications expert who coaches top executives of Fortune 500 companies as well as frontline employees to become more effective communicators. She has spoken in pratically every major U.S. city and conducts communications seminars for the U.S. Peace Corps, foreign governments, and major corporations. In addition to engrossing audiences on hundreds of TV and radio shows, her work has been acclaimed by the
New York Times
, the
Chicago Tribune
, and
Time
magazine. Her articles have appeared in professional journals and popular publications such as
Redbook
,
New Woman
,
Psychology
Today
,
Penthouse
, and
Cosmopolitan
. Based in New York City, she is the author of many books including the topselling
How to Make
Anyone Fall in Love with You
and
How to Be a People Magnet
. If you come across any communications techniques, send them to Leil—so she can share them with others. She would love to hear from you. Her E-mail address is [email protected] Would you like more communications techniques from Leil?

Sign up for her complimentary monthly communications hint. Go to lowndes.com and click on “Subscribe.”

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.