183 Times a Year (26 page)

She's still crazy in love with Crazee (I still don't know why he's called Crazee?) mostly via Skype and text as he's had to go back to Australia. But he seems to have had a positive effect on her as she is now simultaneously studying Art at college whilst working as many hours as she can fit in at Goth Shock.

We haven't told Simon yet but she confided in me that she's saving to go to Australia. I'm so torn as to how I feel about this. On the one hand I'm completely full of admiration for her and want her to spread her wings but on the other there's a part of
me
that doesn't want to let go, even though biologically she isn't mine, in every other sense she is. And I wonder if I've done enough. I'm reminded of some of the words from the letters written by Mary Wollstonecraft about Fanny (I can hear all the kids laughing at that name), her infant, illegitimate daughter and companion during her travels around the Nordic countries during the late eighteenth-century.

“You know that as a female I am particularly attached to her – I feel more than a mother's fondness and anxiety, when I reflect on the dependent and oppressed state of her sex. I dread lest she be forced to sacrifice her heart to her principles, or her principles to her heart…I dread to unfold her mind, lest it should render her unfit for the world she is to inhabit – Hapless woman! What fate is thine!”

Of course we live in different times; things have changed, even since my younger years during the 1980's. There's more freedom and opportunity for women than there has ever been. However, those calm, vast waters are still infested with vicious predators. I only have to look at Amber and I'm soberly reminded of the outlook for the new, younger generation. One of dead end jobs, working (if they're lucky) well below their qualifications or potential, the promise of property-owning democracy dead and always at the mercy of private landlords or the state. The Bleak House generation?

Aren't we full of doom and gloom?

Oh god, maybe I should stop reading the news. The girls will be just fine.

Encouragement and guidance is all they need.

I smile to myself. I must have done something right because although Maisy's slightly gothic look and tattoos can be unnerving, to some anyway, I admire her confidence to buck the
trend;
refuse the dictates of conformity and fashion and just be free to be. Anyway, as Dad is always rightly saying, “It's not a life, it's an adventure”.

‘Looking good Lizzie innit,' Raj says behind me, staring at my now half-filled display. He's also managed to hold onto his job.

‘Me or the display?'

‘You always look good Lizzie,' he says. ‘You is a MIL…' he trails off, hints of red permeating his bronzed cheeks. ‘Ahem,' he coughs and clears his throat. ‘You could do with some real crime stories,' he suggests. ‘Young lads love reading that sort of shit. And cars,' he adds. ‘Mix it up with the health and beauty girlie stuff. I'll go and grab a few for you,' he says and disappears upstairs.

Inspired by my own dear Cassie I also throw in a few books about music to the display, including an assortment of biographies about various rock and pop legends. Cassie seems to be settling in at college. She seems to have, thankfully, slightly more confidence than she did at school. Unlike school the playing field at college has levelled somewhat. Status and acceptance isn't limited to the thin, rich, pretty girls doing their thin, rich, pretty thing. Mutual respect is based more on ability, not size, race, gender, sexual preference or money. Although judging by some of the heated discussions that take place at our house during band rehearsals once a week, artistic temperament is definitely alive and kicking. There are certainly a few divas in the making.

Starting the music course with Luke by her side has helped Cassie too I think.

Bless him, I still remember him as the quiet, rather serious little boy in the same class as Cassie at Primary school. I can't quite believe, despite following her around like a love sick puppy, it actually took me to point out to Cassie just how smitten the
lovely
Luke is with her. Cassie seemed genuinely shocked when I suggested it.

‘I've bloody known Luke for bloody years,' she'd shouted in disbelief. ‘Course he doesn't bloody fancy me.'

His guitar strummed serenade (following a drunken walk home from a late night party) alongside the dawn chorus of birds one morning finally convinced Cassie I think. He was, despite Simon's grumpy demeanour at being woken up at the crack of dawn, actually very good, sort of Ed Sheerenish.

Cassie is now of course, despite only being at college for seven weeks, a bona fide music expert and finds me constantly being chastised for listening to, “that crap” which is nearly always “waaaaayyyy too poppy”, or “ridiculously commercial”, or “unforgivably predictable”.

I laugh to myself. I'm still, for the most part, the devil incarnate, the nagging old cow and wicked step-monster that has nothing better to do than interfere and ruin the lives of my teenage daughters. But maybe, just maybe, things are moving in the right direction. The girls are, to a point, maturing. I see light at the end of this tunnel that has at times felt like a perpetual teenage cyclone of raging hormones. I've even managed to convince Amber to apply for work. Maybe, just maybe life is becoming…easier?

I sneak a quick look at my phone ensconced in my pocket to see if Ruby has replied to my text about meeting for coffee later. She has. And she's blown me out, again. She has a meeting apparently. Sounds like a perfectly plausible explanation, but then again so were all the others of late.

‘Lizzie! Lizzie,' a breathless Amira is scurrying over and calling out to me. ‘We've just had a call from the hospital asking if you can please go there as quickly as possible – something to do with Cassie your daughter and an accident with her ear?'

Chapter 22

HOSPITAL

CASSIE

For god bloody sake why does Mum have to make like such a psycho fuss about everything? I can't bloody help it if I had to go to hospital and it's not my fault I didn't know it wasn't bloody serious. You'd think she'd want to be at hospital with her own daughter for god bloody sake. I admit I like overreacted a bit but I didn't want to end up bloody deaf did I? It was all the ear piercer man's fault anyway. He's the one that like dropped the bloody silver ball from my tragus piercing into my bloody ear. Idiot. And he kept my bloody money. Knob head. I daren't tell Mum that though coz she's bound to go into the bloody shop and make like a bloody scene. It's full of pumped up, bearded tattooists for god sake.

Honey thinks it's like well funny. She thinks Mum's like well cute for caring. It's dead funny watching Mum's confused expression every time Mum sees Honey coz Honey like, always wraps her arms around her and kisses her on the cheek. At first I thought it was coz Mum was like gayest but that didn't make sense coz Mum's not prejudice about anyone, except me of course, and maybe Tabitha, our nosy next-door neighbour. I think Mum feels a bit embarrassed coz I don't even hug her like that, and Mai – I mean Mania – definitely doesn't. I suppose Connor does though, little creep. That's just Honey though; she's just like, well affectionate with everyone.

Anyway, I suppose I did have a bit of a fit coz I had no
bloody
idea what that suction thing was that the stupid bloody Doctor woman was waving next to my ear. Actually she was well nice, better than Mum about it all. She just laughed at me whereas Mum just gave me one of her scowly looks that makes her frown lines look even deeper and told me to stop being so childish. How would she like a huge hoover thing in her ear? Actually it wasn't that big but it was like well noisy. I reckon anyone would scream, even though the doctor woman said her previous patient – a 5-year-old who had pushed sweets in her ear – didn't. I don't believe her. It came out pretty quick though but uggghh no way did I want to keep it when the Doctor asked me if I did. Why would I want to keep something that's been rolling around the inside of my ear for god bloody sake?

Mum was sort of nice afterwards though and has taken me and Honey for a coffee. I'm having a large iced caramel frapp with extra cream on the top. Sorted. Mum is dead embarrassing though and has started asking Honey well loads of questions. Honey doesn't seem to mind though and I was like well shocked when she said her Dad and all his family had disowned her coz she was a lesbian. I didn't think that kind of prejudice existed anymore and had only ever happened in the olden days like when Mum was young. Mum was well nice to Honey about it all.

She can be pretty sick, sometimes.

We've talked well loads about college too. I fessed up to Mum that I was actually well nervous when I started. I felt like the little kid starting big school all over again so it was pretty sick having Luke there with me. I still can't believe he fancies me though. And, like oh my god, serenading me under my bedroom window with his guitar, singing a song he wrote about me was like well cringe, but – I have to secretly admit – kind of sick too.

Joe would
never
do anything like that for me. I can see him now, smirking and ridiculing Luke. He's not even really that
much
into music. In fact, most of the time it feels like he's not really that much into me. So why do I fancy him and not Luke?

I still can't believe what happened to Chelsea. Joe seems to think her Dad has taken all their money and left Chelsea and her Mum and brother without a penny. They've gone up north or something to stay with family. I can't imagine Chelsea living a life without money. It'll be like a well major culture shock for her. I suppose I do feel a little bit sorry for her though, even though she was a complete bitch coz I found out that she actually got off with Joe a couple of times during the summer. Joe says nothing really happened between them, that he was with her more as a favour coz she seemed vulnerable and that the whole time he was with her he couldn't stop thinking about me (a part of me, a really bad part, can't help wondering if he doesn't want to be with her now coz she's not rich anymore?).

And here I was all this time thinking it was Pheebs that had got off with Joe when she had actually got off with Charlie Carmichael. He is a good friend of Joe's, which was why she was talking to and hanging out with Joe to get closer to Charlie. He is like well quiet, nothing like Pheebs and yet she seems to be like madly in love with him? She said she didn't want to tell me about Charlie coz she was afraid I'd laugh at her coz he's not that good looking or clever. She thought I'd be all-judgemental. I was well insulted and told her best friends don't ever judge. I'm glad we've made things up.

I do feel happier at college. Especially being on the music course coz there's like such a mad mix of people and everyone's like reeeaaalllly really talented and they all love music like me. It's like soooo different to school. The girls couldn't be any different. Instead of the verbal put downs and bitchy comments that were an absolute must of the fake brigade who ruled the school with their ridiculous code that despised different, my music friends actually celebrate diversity. No one is punished
for
not being thin enough or side lined for not having enough money or ridiculed for still having pubic hair. Focus is on the talent of the individual, and stuff all the other shit.

Honey and Louisa are the main singers on the course, and they're like well funny when they talk coz Honey's dead common (or street innit she says) and Louisa's dead posh and all her yeah's sound like yah's and her really's sound like rarely's.

Me and Luke play keyboards and there are well loads of guitar players but I think Sam and Justas are particularly brilliant. Justas is from Poland. He seems like well grown up compared to me. He's travelled like loads and never seems to get upset when people shout out things like “go home you Polski bastards”. His nickname is Useless but that's like a joke coz he really is like such an amazing guitar player.

Dannisha is an awesome bass player and is like well stunning, probably more so than Honey actually but I'm really not sure about the blonde weave and blue contact lenses. Her afro – which I have only seen once or twice coz it's kept tightly braided under her blonde wigs most of the time – is like truly striking just like her hazelnut eyes.

Jack is an excellent drummer, as is Simone but I felt well sorry for her when the drum stool she sat on the other day actually collapsed under her weight. Every week she's on a different diet that never seems to work. She said she was bullied at school because of her weight. They said the only diet she was any good at was the see-food (see food and eat it) diet. I've seen her come alive on this course though and she has sooooooo much more confidence than when she started and it's like well mesmerising to watch her play the drums. Now, whenever she sees anyone from her old school that thinks they have a right to shout mean things at her, she laughs at them. She told one boy that he talks so much crap his face is actually starting to look like the arsehole he is and she asked another one “who made
you
the fucking body police?” Then she threatened to wrestle him to the floor and sit on his gobby face, which did a pretty good job of shutting him up actually.